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Old 10th March 2008, 3:49 PM   #1
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jobless

i have been dating a wonderful guy for over a year now, he was fresh out of college he's 25, and when i first met him he was so motivated, about what he wanted to do with his life, and how our lives will be easier.....well

lets just say he has become totally lazy, no job, it's been months upon months now, and i'm at my breaking point, i love him yes, but him having no income, no responsiblities really weigh our relationship down, it actually gives us limitations.

we used to live together, but he couldn't pull his weight so i asked him to move back home...he did w/o a problem, but that just made his situation even easier, he has no reason to get up and work, doesn't pay rent, bills, etc.....being home is easy we've all been there.

he recently has been studying to get his license for financial advisor, which is great, but the test isnt' until april, and he has no motivation in the mean time to get a job, just something quick, simple, i'm always suggesting things to him, and sometiems i feel as though i am a mother more then a g/f.....so i'm fed up. so fed up, and i don't know how to give him a wake up call.

he's all talk, no action......i don't want to leave him, but i want him to realize i am not putting up with having a non working b/f anymore. i am a 31 year old women, who gets up day in/day out, cuz i have responsibilities, he just isnt' seeing what i have been trying to tell him.

i need someones feedback please......
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Old 10th March 2008, 4:00 PM   #2
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You can't motivate someone who isn't motivated on his own. You'd have an easier time finding someone whose goals and values match yours.
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Old 10th March 2008, 4:24 PM   #3
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I would heed the saying well.....

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut after marriage."

I had a friend who was doing good after college and had a good job. While he was dating he lost that job and went a different direction. Then he lost that job. His GF stuck by him and they were married while he was jobless.

But he kept getting jobs and losing them. While this was not the only problem, it certainly was a big one. After almost fifteen years of marriage, they divorced. His job history never improved.

It is highly possible that your BF is depressed about his job loss and future career. However, you are in the position of seeking a longterm commitment from a man who can hold his own. If you think you can fix him, then leave now. If you can accept him as he is, then be prepared for the worst.

Make a decision now before you have children and commitments.
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Old 10th March 2008, 4:27 PM   #4
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James, I didn't read that he had a job and lost it. It seemed he never got a job after college, and he didn't seem all that concerned about it.
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Old 10th March 2008, 4:30 PM   #5
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Yeah my first question is - did he ever have a job while you dated?

IMO you have every right to demand certain things from a partner. Having a job and a place of his own are two things on my list.

It may take you leaving him for him to get motivated, or he may never be motivated at all....ultimately only you can decide what you can and cannot tolerate.

Personally I would not be able to handle that.
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Old 10th March 2008, 4:33 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by norajane View Post
James, I didn't read that he had a job and lost it. It seemed he never got a job after college, and he didn't seem all that concerned about it.

You are right. I thought he had a job after college and lost it.

Quote:
he's all talk, no action......i don't want to leave him, but i want him to realize i am not putting up with having a non working b/f anymore.
This would worry me the most if I were you.

I think the scenario is similar to my friend. He also talked about a great future when he had each new job, but each job either proved a disappointment or he failed at it. But as optimistic as he was, the next one was always going to be the job that propelled him into the Forbes Rich list. I think he is still aiming for that list.

Point is....when dating, the rule is that if you cannot accept the person today as he or she is, then you should not consider marrying that person.
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Old 11th March 2008, 9:29 AM   #7
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blind otter...he did have a couple jobs while we were dating, one was seasonal, and the other didn't work out, once he does have a job, he gets up day in a day out and goes, it's just getting him to see that i need security and he's not giving it to me, so i question my future with him.
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Old 11th March 2008, 10:11 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by rosebud6712 View Post
blind otter...he did have a couple jobs while we were dating, one was seasonal, and the other didn't work out, once he does have a job, he gets up day in a day out and goes, it's just getting him to see that i need security and he's not giving it to me, so i question my future with him.
Truth be told, this isn't just about providing you with security. IMO, this is also about how he takes care of himself. Most people have enough pride to have the desire to want to work and earn money to survive.

And also, how do you know about his work ethic? He only had a seasonal job and another job that "didn't work out". that's not much information to go on.

Basically - you need to lay your cards out, I think. Tell him what you desire and expect in a mate. If he doesn't meet those qualifications, maybe you should consider taking a break until he gets up and actually does something with himself.
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Old 11th March 2008, 10:49 AM   #9
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Well, he is taking action if he's studying for a brokers test. If I had just graduated and still had tests to take, I'd not waste time at a $5/hour job. I'd study, get the test over, and go make some real money.
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Old 11th March 2008, 11:21 AM   #10
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Well, he is taking action if he's studying for a brokers test. If I had just graduated and still had tests to take, I'd not waste time at a $5/hour job. I'd study, get the test over, and go make some real money.
IMO that is lazy. My exH studied for the brokers test and worked full time. It's not that difficult. He was only jobless for about 2 months after graduating.
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Old 11th March 2008, 11:48 AM   #11
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i don't agree with that, everyone needs to work nu tu dating, just for the simple responsibilities in life. he was spoiled going to college, having everything paid for, having no worries, except for studying, and doing the work, now he is dating me, and i work every day, and it's true, what is his work ethic? i mean he is used to his mom making things easier, and now this broker test requires him to make payments that will be reimbursed..so what he's not supposed to get a job, and just keep robbing paul to pay mary?

i love him, but i want security, and if he can't even take care of himself, then why am i wasting my time??? will it get better, do i stick it out another month being i've already dealt with this for over a year? idk but i do know that i am fed up, and perhaps it is time for me to put another fire under his ass....get up, get out, get something, or lose me, actions do speak louder then words, and if i take my support away as far as driving him places.....paying, letting him stay with me.....he will see soemthing different?
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Old 11th March 2008, 12:26 PM   #12
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Well, no offence, but you're older and probably more established. he just graduated. I went to work the Monday after I graduated and studied for the CPA exam after hours, and it was a cast iron bitch. Lots of my CPA colleagues got out of school, basically studied for the exam "full time" and then went to work. I, on the other hand, was miserable for 8 months basically working 12 hours a day and studying another 4. My brother backpacked Europe after college and my parents paid for that (I was jealous!)....

Now, I don't know this guy. I don't know what he majored in, and I don't know what his job plans are, obviously. Since I don't know this guy, I can't say what he's doing, I'm just pointing out an alternative case.

And no, not everyone "needs" to work. If you have parents who will support you while you're studying, great. Sometimes it takes college grads a while to "get" the real world.

You're 6 years older than him? People grow up a lot between 25 and 30.

Ultimately, you know him much better than any of us - you're in the best position to judge whether he's lazy or not.
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Old 11th March 2008, 12:32 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rosebud6712 View Post
blind otter...he did have a couple jobs while we were dating, one was seasonal, and the other didn't work out, once he does have a job, he gets up day in a day out and goes, it's just getting him to see that i need security and he's not giving it to me, so i question my future with him.
You don't know what the future holds, there is no such thing as "security". Sorry but that's the way it is. If you had an accident and got crippled... would you expect him to dump you and walk away? What kind of love is that?

Point is that your trying to fix him, and that won't help, because it doesn't seem like you understand the problem. Instead of acting like a mom... be a GF/Wife. Find out what is holding him back emotionally (fear, anxiety... ect), and tackle that. Does that make sense?

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IMO that is lazy. My exH studied for the brokers test and worked full time. It's not that difficult. He was only jobless for about 2 months after graduating.
In my experience guys like this are not particularly lazy. In fact my cousin is kind of like this. He had no idea how to get a job, and he was really just afraid of the whole process. Mostly he FEARED the rejection and failure feeling so much that he just didn't try.

However, with a little encouragement and some information, the kid has been wildly successful. The best part is that he did all of the actual work himself. I proofed his resume a couple times, sent him some job leads, but that's pretty much it.
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Old 11th March 2008, 12:39 PM   #14
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cobra x30 i understand what you are saying, and if i got hurt or crippled he wouldn't leave me, i'm threating this with him, cuz i feel as though i can motivate him in another way.

he knows what he needs to do, and yes's me to death when i ask him if he's done anything as far as inquiring bout jobs, but doesn't follow through.......

i just want the security in knowing that i won't be the supporter throughout my future with him.....even though i understand what you are saying bout security, it's the principal that i'm trying to get him to understand.

so what should be my approach? how can i be different with acting like his g/f instead of his mom?

i feel i've done everything in my nature, for ex: it is noon on a tuesday, and he hasnt' done anything today........except for watching tv, that comes from his own mouth, so please understand my frustration. he graduated over a year ago, there should be no problem!
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Old 11th March 2008, 12:40 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cobra_X30 View Post
In my experience guys like this are not particularly lazy. In fact my cousin is kind of like this. He had no idea how to get a job, and he was really just afraid of the whole process. Mostly he FEARED the rejection and failure feeling so much that he just didn't try.
According to the OP her BF has been jobless for over a year. That's some pretty intense fear he's got, there.
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