afraid my bf is going to leave

[lexi29]

My bf and I recently got back together after he left me for an ex. Their relationship lasted only three weeks then he left her. We are trying to work things out and at first everything was great. he really worked hard at earning my trust again (calling all the time, being open, letting me know where he was etc) I have been so happy lately (with the exception of christmas) and he's been very loving (so has his son) and sweet to me. It felt like we were stronger now that we realized how much we missed eachother. I've had no reasons to doubt anything he's told me.

 

Until now

Started last sat- my bf had to work and he normally calls me on his way home (I stay at his apartment). I was out shopping and he called saying he was home. I asked why he didn't call before he got home (so I could be there) and he said he thought he'd check up on me to make sure I didn't have a guy at his apartment (what!! I"m not the one who left him before) So that was weird cause he was halfway serious about that. He also kept asking who I went shopping with (No one) So that kind of threw me off and ever since he's been making little comments about me and other guys. Just joking but at the time time as if he's digging to see if there is any truth to them.

 

New years eve I spent with him and his son's obnoxious friend came over and started demanding that my bf had his playstation game. My bf said "no I sent it home" son's friend started yelling no you didnt' its here! my bf said "ask your mom" ask your mom". son's friend kept yelling and saying "how would she know?" bf just said its not here go home and ask your mom."

 

I asked bf who he sent the game home with and he said the boy's sister (who used to come over all the time and borrow movies from my bf- but she hasnt' been here in about a month- but it is possible she stopped over). I got suspicious and asked why didn't you tell him to ask his sister then instead of his mom?? how would his mom (hot neighbor) know? my bf said well i coudl have told him to ask his mom or his sister. I just figured his mom would know where everything is. Well that set off alarm bells cause if a friend of mine picked something up from my house I"m not going to say "ask her husband" if someone wants to know what she did with it. So I"m wondering if the boy's mom was actually at my bf's house (supposedly she hasn't been there since Oct. ) and I wouldn't get mad at my bf is she was there AS LONG AS HE TOlD ME ABOUT IT. I asked him all kinds of questions about the sister being here and what movie she borrowed (he didnt' know but thats believable too cause she will just take something and not say what it is)

 

Still to this day I am suspicious about this and feel he may be lying to me. I"ve become obsessed with catching him lying to me. everything he says I analzye it to see if it could be false. For ex. last night his son asked if I"d seen this paintball home movie. I said no and he put it on for me. They acted like they'd seen it before and I just asked when he'd gotten it (cause two days ago he was saying he wondered when he'd get it) my bf said he just got it today. my bf's son said he 'd only seen half of it before. (which made me think he got it earlier than that day) also the dvd was laying out of the case on top of the entertainment center. My bf got home after I did (I didn't see the dvd till I was looking for another one and it was after my bf got home) he said he just threw it on top of the tv and didn't know why it wasn't in the case.

 

also new years day I went to see my bf and had to leave to see my parents. He said him and his son were going to go out to eat later and I told him to call me and I'd go. Well he called when they got back from dinner. I was suspicious that he'd gone with someone else instead. I asked why didn't he tell me when they went so I could go and he siad he figured I was sick of the restaurant's food (fast food) cause I'd brought him that same thing to eat new years eve. and last night he wouldn't say "I Love you' like he normally does to me in front of his son (or thats how I am taking it. His son has been gone for a week and his son told me he loves me last ngiht when I left but my bf didn't say anything. Now when he called me later (and his son was asleep he said I love you) the day before (first day his son was back) he didn't even kiss me in front of him adn didn't say I love you when I left (though he did say it on the phone in front of his son. I am just suspicious of EVERYTHING. I really need to talk to him about this but have no idea how to bring it up.

 

I have no idea what triggered all of this but I am just convinced he is lying to me about something. When he called me yesterday morning at 7am to tell me his son had to go to the ER at 2am I was terrified he calling me to tell me it was over and to come get my stuff (as he did when he left me for his ex) every time he calls me I am scared that is why he is calling (the last few days) When I went over to his place last night I half expected to see my stuff packed up in bags sitting on his couch (same thing that happened when he left me before) I have no idea what is wrong with me, why I am feeling this way but my imagination is going wild to the point I'm starting to wonder if he actually had to work those few saturdays or if he was just out with someone else from 5am to 1pm. How can I talk to him about this? Why am I feeling so insecure

[shockandawed]

You know, I saw this posting and had to read it...kind of like knowing the Titanic is going to sink but you have to watch the movie anyhow...

 

 

Lexi, I am going to be very blunt here. If all of your postings are in fact true, then you are one screwed up chick. Sorry, not trying to be mean but it is very apparent. You want advice, then we are going to have to take off the gloves and talk about it.

 

Let's make sure I am understanding the main points here.

 

Less than a month ago, you were posting about dating and not having any feelings for any recent exes.

 

He dumped you for another ex, only to dump her and come back to you three weeks later.

 

In less than two weeks, you are obsessing about what gift he got you for Christmas.

 

In the three or so weeks you have been back together, you have already moved into his apartment?

 

He is paranoid already about you having other men

 

You are paranoid already about him

 

His son and his friends are a source of constant drama

 

I'm sure I am leaving some other gems out. The fact you post on here and appear to legitimately be asking for advise scares the heck out of me. I am curious why you don't feel that this is a complete disaster? What in the world is even remotely enjoyable and beneficial about this relationship?

[lexi29]

#1 no I don't live with him and have no idea where you got that idea.

 

#2 his son is NOT a source of drama.

 

 

Other than the break up this guy and his son have been in my life in some capacity for the last six years. Its not like I met him a month ago or something.

 

Obviously there are good parts to the relationship or I wouldn't be in it. I post about problems because this is what the site is for.

[compassion42]

You mentioned right in your post that you "stay at his apartment" which sounds like you are living together. You also mentioned that New Years was spent with the son and his obnoxious friend which maybe is being confused with the son being the obnoxious one?

Anyway, I think that you sense that something is not right. Even though your boyfriend has been better and more loving, there are still many red flags being waved that justifuy your suspision that something isn't right.

Go with your gut. Talk to him if you want to but unfortunately it seems like he may be cheating again. Often times when a cheater is cheating....he or she accuses his non cheating partner to kind of take the focus off his own actions.

[lexi29]

You mentioned right in your post that you "stay at his apartment" which sounds like you are living together. You also mentioned that New Years was spent with the son and his obnoxious friend which maybe is being confused with the son being the obnoxious one?

Anyway, I think that you sense that something is not right. Even though your boyfriend has been better and more loving, there are still many red flags being waved that justifuy your suspision that something isn't right.

Go with your gut. Talk to him if you want to but unfortunately it seems like he may be cheating again. Often times when a cheater is cheating....he or she accuses his non cheating partner to kind of take the focus off his own actions.

 

 

I don't live with him- I live with a roommate. I stay at my bf's apartment on weekends (as in stay overnight) and I have a key so I can stop over whenever. But I don't live with him.

 

I did find out that he was lying to me. It was about a stupid playstation game. his son accidently let it slip and I confronted my bf about it and he LIED again. he finally confessed after I told him I don't care if he talked to the neighbor woman (he took her son's game back to HER when he said her daughter came over and picked it up) He said he lied because he thought I would be upset that he talked to her. Because I am insecure about him talking to other women since he left for his ex. I told him that no I dont' care if he talks to her but LYING about it is what the problem is. We had a long talk and my gut was telling me he wasn't lying to me about anything else. (He went over to her house and knocked on the door and she answered and he gave her the game. HE said she didn't even really talk to him except to ask what he wanted. This all happened about ten minutes before I got to his apartment this weekend (I had stayed that night, he had to work so I went shopping, he called to tell me he was home and I was on my way back to his place.

 

I'm glad I can trust my gut feelings and that I"m not crazy. I just KNEW he was lying to me- the feeling wouldn't let up! I dont get the feeling he's lying about anything else. I have NO idea why he would lie to me about anything so stupid!! I am very upset with him and told him I need a few days to think things over. Its sad cause last night before this all went down his son and my bf and i were sitting on the couch and out of nowhere his son said "are you and my dad going to get married?" I said I don't know too soon to tell. He said "PLease!! I want you to marry my dad my dad loves you why don't you love him?" I told him I love both of them. It was so sweet that his son said that.

 

Almost every single guy I"ve dated has lied about something- from small things that blow my mind why anyone would even lie about them to big things (Cheating) I just dont' get why people can't be honest. I mean why would he lie about something so stupid? Didn't he think it would do MORE damage to lie to me rather than him being questioned or me being upset about why he went over there to personally deliver the game? Yes, it would have bothered me that he went to her house (they live right next door) but it bothers me ten times more that he LIED. So we are taking a break right now while I sort out my thoughts.

[sunshinegirl]

You don't trust him with regard to other women; he doesn't trust you to be able to handle it if he tells the truth about talking to the neighbor lady.

 

What kind of relationship can you possibly have if you don't trust each other?

[lexi29]

The thing is- my trust for him was getting better- he was building trust. The trust was badly shaken when someone just leaves you out of the blue and you find out it was for an ex that he swore he was just friends with. So I have trust issues- go figure. I would have been ok with him talking to the neighbor lady. The fact is he LIED to me about it. Having to hide something one is doing seems like that person is doing something bad. Why lie about a seeminly innocent event just to avoid a few questions? I mean if the situation was as innocent as it sounds all he had to do was say (when I got back to his apartment probably ten minutes after this happened) that he was cleaning and found play station game that belonged to neighbor kid (his son's friend) and that he went next door to return it. he could have told me that neighbor lady answered the door when he knocked and took the game. End of story and I wouldn't have cared. But the fact that he lied to me about it on two occassions and made up a story that neighbor lady's daughter came over to his apartment and he gave HER the game and even after I told him his own son said he returned the game to neighbor lady herself he still LIED about it.

 

It wasnt' until I told him I was going to be more p**sed off if I found out he was lying then if he actually gave the game to neighbor lady instead of her daughter that he told me that yes, he did do what his son said.

[compassion42]

I think it is wise of you to take a break and sort things out. You will need to decide if you can be with him while feeling like you can't trust him to be honest with you. What does he think about the break?

[lexi29]

He is upset by the break- he wanted me to spend the weekend with him. he says its not a big deal-that he didn't mean to lie to me but was more worried by my reaction to him going to the neighbor's house. He just figured it wasn't a big deal and I wouldn't find out. He said he thought if he told me he went over there that I'd start thinking he likes her or is sleeping with her or that he's going to leave me for her. that I would ask him a million questions etc. Actually if he told me he went there (and it was as innocent as he makes it out to be- just handing her the game and leaving- I probably would have asked if he talked to her and what they talked about and thats it) but as it stands now- yes its going thru my mind (since he LIED about the whole thing) that maybe its not as innocent as he says. Maybe he DID go over there to strike up a conversation, maybe he does want to hang out with her, maybe he did sleep with her at some point. Who knows. I just hate being lied to.

 

He doesnt' understand why I'm so upset and just wants me to let it go.

[shockandawed]

There is no need for you to apologize for being upset about him lying to you. I have found if they lie about the petty stuff, that can be in fact a bigger red flag. Like you said, no reason for him to say that.

 

It is understandable why you are mixed up about him. Obviously, you weren't over him when he came crawling back. What he did was unexcuseable in my book. You had a long term relationship which he cast aside for another ex. After she probably sent him packing, he came crawling back to you. I am sure his version is somewhat different but regardless, he obviously does not deserve your trust.

 

I truly hope you are serious about this break and that you don't have any contact with him during that time. You need to get yourself a little stronger and try to look at this objectively.

 

And no, all men don't lie just like all women don't lie. Once you raise your standards and expectations of people, you will begin to find these types.

Edited January 4, 2008 by shockandawed

[lexi29]

No, you are right I wasn't over him when he came crawling back. He's been in my life is some form for the last six years (as a friend first) I've been like an aunt to his son since he was two years old. His ex (that he left me for didn't give him the boot, he left her and I know this for a fact because she called me accusing me of breaking them up. He told her that he would not stop all contact with me (she requested that he never speak to me again) and that he would let his son contact me if he wanted to. She flipped out and argued with him for two days and he told her it was over. I know he was the one who ended it. Their "relationship" only lasted about two weeks. He came begging me back in Oct but I didn't start dating him again till last month.

 

And I do have expectations that I don't want people to lie to me. Otherwise I wouldn't have left two guys who lied to me about big things and I wouldn't have told my bf I want a break because he lied. I just don't get why guys (or women) feel the need to lie? I mean if I am lying about something it is either- because I am doing something I shouldn't be doing and dont' want to get caught

or -because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. (as in they have a bad hair cut and you say it looks nice)

[serialgf]

I mean if I am lying about something it is either- because I am doing something I shouldn't be doing and dont' want to get caught

or -because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings. (as in they have a bad hair cut and you say it looks nice)

you said it yourself lexi - your BF lied to you because he didn't want to hurt your feelings (i.e. getting you upset over seeing the neighbor lady)... this is total guy logic

 

i only say this because my ex would totally lie about little things because he didn't want to get me upset and honestly he mostly just didn't want to deal with me being upset - i.e. the time its going to take for me to get mad, us to have a fight over it, and me to get over it. I learned from him that to him it seemed worth the risk of lying to me if it could potentially prevent a sh*t fit on my end. Also, you said if he hadn't lied to you about seeing the woman you would have gotten upset, but are ten times more upset that he lied... but i would argue that how upset you are is relative and subjective - i.e. what you perceive as "not that upset" and "ten times more upset" is all UPSET to him!

 

Anyway, in that relationship i finally realized that i had two options.... i could:

1. continue investigating his lies therefore creating bigger fights

or

2. even though i knew he was lying, not even get upset about it because that showed him that i wasn't going to freak out even when i knew he was lying

 

i chose #2 and amazingly enough it definitely helped our relationship as far as him being less shady.... just thought this might offer you some insight ... good luck with the NC - be strong!

[shockandawed]

Lexi,

 

Let's see, he told you the "new, ex gf" freaked out when he wanted to continue contact with you and now you are freaking out because he is sneaking contact with the neighbor lady. Do you see a pattern here? I am kind of getting a visual of him whispering to the neighbor lady, I have to be low key because Lexi will freak out.

 

You have to take his son and the feelings for him out of it. This isn't fair to you at all. When he walked away from a long term relationship with you for his ex, that should have ended any contact. I see why the "new, ex-gf" was upset. He used his son as an excuse to keep you in his grasp in case this jump didn't work out. I understand you developed feelings for his son, but to ask you to remain in contact with them after he kicked you to the curb is totally selfish on his part. Once he did what he did to you, he should not have had any right to any contact from you.

[lexi29]

you said it yourself lexi - your BF lied to you because he didn't want to hurt your feelings (i.e. getting you upset over seeing the neighbor lady)... this is total guy logic

 

i only say this because my ex would totally lie about little things because he didn't want to get me upset and honestly he mostly just didn't want to deal with me being upset - i.e. the time its going to take for me to get mad, us to have a fight over it, and me to get over it. I learned from him that to him it seemed worth the risk of lying to me if it could potentially prevent a sh*t fit on my end. Also, you said if he hadn't lied to you about seeing the woman you would have gotten upset, but are ten times more upset that he lied... but i would argue that how upset you are is relative and subjective - i.e. what you perceive as "not that upset" and "ten times more upset" is all UPSET to him!

 

 

thanks for sharing your story. It does provide some insight. But I still feel he shouldn't have lied. if he thought talking to the neighbor lady was going to hurt my feelings or make me upset with him- HE SHOULD HAVE AVOIDED THE SITUATION ALL TOGETHER AND NOT HAVE DONE IT. True he might have gone over there thinking one of her daughters would answer the door but her car was parked out front and thats a sure sign she is home. We dont have a rule that he can't talk to the neighbor and she's never done anything to me so its not that I have any reason to dislike her. its just that I am insecure with him talking to any females that I haven't met (he's never introduced me to her although I have gone to her house once with him to take something out of her yard (my bf set up his son's trampoline there and we took it down recently)and she obviously knows we are dating. If he would have just told me "I went to Ann's house and dropped off her son's game" ok yes, I might have asked how long he was there or what they talked about- depends on my mood at the time.

 

But by him LYING about going and making up a whole story about it and even saying that he doesnt' know why his son is saying (the truth) it just seems like there was some reason to hide it from me other than not to hurt my feelings or cause grief for himself. I was going to be at his place maybe 20 minutes after he went to her house. he could have waited for me to come home and then went over there either with me or by himself. I know it was probably a spur of the moment thing but still he could have avoided the whole situation if he would have thought about it. Or he could have just waited for the neighbor kid to come pick up the damn game himself. He said the only thing the neighbor said to him was "what do YOU want?" kind of rudely. I have no idea why she would be rude to him especially if he hasnt' talked to her since Oct. I mean he lets her kids come over and borrow movies and her son plays with his son all the time and his son goes to her house too to play. We were just there about two weeks ago taking down a trampoline from her yard and she opened the window and said something to him (and me I guess since I was right there) laughing saying she was glad the trampoline was getting taken down cause now all the neighbor kids would have to play in someone else's yard. So she didnt seem mad at him then. Just doesn't make sense to me.

[lexi29]

Lexi,

 

Let's see, he told you the "new, ex gf" freaked out when he wanted to continue contact with you and now you are freaking out because he is sneaking contact with the neighbor lady. Do you see a pattern here? I am kind of getting a visual of him whispering to the neighbor lady, I have to be low key because Lexi will freak out.

 

Well actually I was the one who wanted to keep contact with his son- I've known him since he was two and literally one day I was playing with him and he was telling me he loves me (and vice versa) and the next I was getting my stuff from my bf's apartment. There was no cooling off period.

 

I don't think he is sneaking contact with the neighbor lady. He would have no reason to. As for his ex freaking out- she expected him to pretend like I never existed- she didn't want his son every saying my name, didn't want my bf ever having any contact with me. Thats unrealistic especially after we'd known eachother for 6 yrs. Not that we had much contact (he called me twice, I NEVER called him) since I became aware he was dating her.

 

I understand you developed feelings for his son, but to ask you to remain in contact with them after he kicked you to the curb is totally selfish on his part. Once he did what he did to you, he should not have had any right to any contact from you.

 

 

I was the one who wanted to keep contact with his son. He didnt ask me to. I asked him if I could see him occassionally (like maybe once every few months)

 

I'm not trying to defend him. Obviously I think what he did was wrong. But I do believe in 2nd chances and it seemed to be working out well. We actually both had stronger feelings for one another than we ever did when we were dating before. I'm just very upset that he lied to me when he was supposed to be building trust back.