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How do I handle co-workers who always hit on my boyfriend?


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Old 29th November 2007, 1:56 PM   #1
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Arrow How do I handle co-workers who always hit on my boyfriend?

Hello,
This is my first post here. I'd really appreciate a response as this is truly exhausting me...and it really shouldn't, it really isn't even worth my time - I know that.
I am 35 and my boyfriend of 6 months is 23.
Our age difference really doesn't matter at all, I look about 26 and he looks older than his age, too.
We get along fabulously and we really love each other.
I know he loves me, without a doubt.
I do trust him, but I don't at all trust the girls with whom we work.
My boyfriend and I both work in a strip club part time for extra cash.
I am a cocktail waitress and he is a bouncer.
We are very much alike in that we both have big egos - only I have learned to tone mine down...heh heh.
I get attention from men and always have, on a daily basis but I don't go around pointing it out all the time - he always tells me about it when it happens to him. I don't quite understand why.
What bothers me most though is the fact that we work together in this club and all the girls know we are together and yet they STILL flirt with him!!!
I suppose I am somewhat concerned as the environment is just a BAD place for a relationship - what with drunk strippers all around and what not. I guess most of those grls have no morals.
I find it extremely disrespectful when they flirt with him so outrageously every day. I have discussed this with him and have told him it is really not my position to say anything as I will only come off looking like a possessive girlfriend - I've told him he should be the one to say something, but he says he can't say anything as they tip him out every night and he doesn't want to make any enemies.

What do you all think about that?

Also, he will tell me over and over about what girl flirted with him and what she said and he will ask me (as though he really has no idea) - "Do you think she likes me or something?"
Which makes me wonder why the heck he's asking me that question.

Or he'll ask really stupid things like "Who do you think is the hottest girl there, besides you?"
Of course, I tell him to stop asking me such ridiculous questions and refuse to answer him.

If I tell him I already have noticed a girl who is flirting with him, he thinks it is because I feel threatened by her...
This really irks me, since again, it is less about the girl and more about the fact that I am being direspected.

Now, I am extremely confident and I know I look good and I am not normally jealous, but this is really pissing me off because I am unable to DO anything!!!
I just have to sit there and watch these girls do this stuff right in front of me!!
The same ones will do things over and over.
They'll grab his ass, kiss him on the cheek when they tip him out, caress his abs, hug him...they don't care.
One girl even comes in to hang out there when she's not working!
She'll hang around him all night and follow him around like a little puppy!!
He never gives them anything back and again, I DO trust him but they still don't stop.
I am kind of worried because he has admitted he likes the attention and I am worried because they are closer to his age and certainly make it no secret what they would like to do with him.

I am used to dating very good looking men, so it is not that I am extraordinarily insecure or anything but for some reason this one is really emotionally taxing.
What can I do to relax and how should I handle it at work?
This is really stressing me out.



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Old 29th November 2007, 2:16 PM   #2
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Problem number one - he is 23.

Problem number two - you work in a strip club.

Problem number three - he enjoys telling you about women hitting on him, to the point of asking you if you think they are interested.

Problem number four - he's still 23. And working in a strip club.

Well, I don't know if you can see the recipe for disaster, but it's pretty obvious to me. I don't believe his is as trust-worthy as you may have convinced yourself. I mean, he's 23 and working in a strip club, which is kinda like the holy grail for a manchild of this tender age, with naked women flirting with him and touching him, and he loves it, plays it up, and even wants your opinion on who is hot and who might like him. These women do it because they know they CAN. Because he allows it, and encourages it.

I'm not going to judge you here, but at 35, I would think (perhaps) you'd be interested in someone more stable, mature, and able to offer you a relationship. If not, then certainly stick with the boy toy, because at 23, that's all he's ever going to be to you. And I think he proves that over and over again by showing you how little respect he has for you and your relationship, and by acting on his impulses in front of you.

I dated a guy last year for the whole year who was 15 years younger. Hotter than hell, but I was not foolish enough to think the relationship was going to grow into anything more. Oh, and he was/is also a bouncer at a very popular club in our town.

My advice? Man up girl, grow a pair, dump his twinkie ass and get a job somewhere else. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for a lot more pain.
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Old 29th November 2007, 5:24 PM   #3
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As far as you saying something to the women i totally agree. I dont think you are in the position to tell these other women not to hit or flirt with him without coming off as confrontational. If his problem is that they tip him at the end of the night, and he dont feel he should say something.. then thats a different story. I have friends whos bf's works as bouncers , bartenders, etc.. and in those positions they have to flirt to get their money. I have told her that she shouldnt take it personal. When someone works those kind of positions their mentality is I dont have a partner. because once your customers know u are involved with someone that wont tip as much. From what Ive seen. He should definately tell these women that they have to respect him as well as you. the touching and grouping has to stop. As far as him telling you who has flirted with him he may just be letting you know for comical reasons. I always ask my bf when he goes out to the lounge or club who flirted with him, how they look, what they say?

But for sure dont confront these women because it will be tension in the air!!!
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Old 29th November 2007, 5:36 PM   #4
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I always ask my bf when he goes out to the lounge or club who flirted with him, how they look, what they say?
EC - don't you think that comes off as a little controlling and insecure? I know when my bf's have gone out, I don't quiz them on their return. Mainly because I don't really care what women he talked to, or what she looked like. Just wondering why you would?
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Old 29th November 2007, 5:47 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Gypsy08 View Post

I am 35 and my boyfriend of 6 months is 23.
Our age difference really doesn't matter at all, I look about 26 and he looks older than his age, too.

I do trust him, but I don't at all trust the girls with whom we work.
why do some people seem to think that difference between ages 'doesn't count' as long as they appear to be older or younger? that's so ridiculous. looks have nothing to do with it.

in any case, i'll tell you what anyone will tell you. if you trust him, then you have no reason to worry about other girls. if you still worry about other girls around your man, then you don't completely trust him either.
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Old 29th November 2007, 6:00 PM   #6
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-Jilly Bean-

abosolutely not!!! i dont think by me asking him who he has talked to and what they look like makes me insecure in the least bit!! We are both friends before anything and I like to talk to him as friedns as well. By me asking him about what he has done or who is spoke with isnt me grilling him.. I am just interested in knowing how women confront men and what they say. I totally trust him!
So in response Im not quizzing him, but wondering what guys talk about and when theres a women in the picture what do the women say!
I dont think there is anything wrong with that, like I stated before purely out of comical reason
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Old 29th November 2007, 6:08 PM   #7
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-Jilly Bean-

abosolutely not!!! i dont think by me asking him who he has talked to and what they look like makes me insecure in the least bit!! We are both friends before anything and I like to talk to him as friedns as well. By me asking him about what he has done or who is spoke with isnt me grilling him.. I am just interested in knowing how women confront men and what they say. I totally trust him!
So in response Im not quizzing him, but wondering what guys talk about and when theres a women in the picture what do the women say!
I dont think there is anything wrong with that, like I stated before purely out of comical reason

I'm sorry, EC, I guess I just don't operate like that. I suppose you can spin it as you like, but I have never asked anyone to regale me with details of conversations they have had when I am not around, what the people looked like, etc. And I am talking about even my friends and family! lol. I guess if you were that curious to know what guys talk about in the presence of women, you would go find your own group of guys to do your research, instead of pumping the man for the deets...

Sorry about the brief hijack - now back to the regular show, and the topic of flirtatious bouncer boyfriends and the strip clubs they work in...
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Old 29th November 2007, 6:23 PM   #8
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If they know you're dating him, it's likely catty jealousy. If you let them know it bothers you, they will only do it more.

If he likes the attention, he will not make them stop and they can probably tell he likes the attention. He is right about one thing; if he doesn't respond favorably, they will tip him less. When your whole day is about getting men to respond favorably to you and one you have to deal with on the regular treats you cold, it is twice the sting to your ego. They will use their wounded ego to justify tipping less.

If he is telling you about their advances and asking the kind of questions you posted, he likes that it bothers you. If it bothers you, that must mean that you worry about HIM leaving YOU. As long as you are worrying about that, he doesn't think he needs to worry about you leaving him. It makes him feel secure. He certainly isn't going to want to give that up.

P.S. Never date someone you work with. If he is this immature and you two break up, everything that got under your skin will be relayed to the dancers and they (him included) will rub it in your face till you quit working there.
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Old 29th November 2007, 6:35 PM   #9
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why do some people seem to think that difference between ages 'doesn't count' as long as they appear to be older or younger? that's so ridiculous. looks have nothing to do with it.
Agreed. You're pretty much old enough to be this guy's mother; he is on a different wavelength than you are.

You can always tell when someone who posts her is jealous, because they will go on and on about how they're "not jealous, it's just that..." If you can trust him, you have nothing to worry about. But to be honest, if he's letting girls (who are probably a lot younger than you) kiss and touch and hug him like that, it sounds like you definitely do have something to worry about. Like I said, very different wavelengths.
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Old 30th November 2007, 12:14 AM   #10
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Agreed. You're pretty much old enough to be this guy's mother; he is on a different wavelength than you are.

You can always tell when someone who posts her is jealous, because they will go on and on about how they're "not jealous, it's just that..." If you can trust him, you have nothing to worry about. But to be honest, if he's letting girls (who are probably a lot younger than you) kiss and touch and hug him like that, it sounds like you definitely do have something to worry about. Like I said, very different wavelengths.


Ok, if I am pretty much old enough to be his Mother, than I would have had to have had a kid at 13...yeah, right.
A 13 year age difference is not that big of a deal, so please toss out that "old enough to be his Mother" idea.
Look at Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher - you could say the same thing there but their relationship works, doesn't it?
And no, normally -(key word being normally) I am not the jealous type, but I admit that yes, what is happening currently is making me very jeaolus. Since posting this question, however - I have decided to just let it go and stop worrying about it.
You can't control everything, especially others, so why worry about it?
It's not worth it at all.
And no, he's not the one doing the flirting. I did state that in my post. I understand the part about him not being able to tell them because of the tips...I don't like it but I understand it.
And looks do have a lot to do with an age difference - as does maturity.
He is very mature for his age, more mature than my last boyfriend who was 38. And If I looked my age, I WOULD look like his Mother and thank God I don't!!!!
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Old 30th November 2007, 12:28 AM   #11
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This thread is both comical and sad on so many different levels...it's hard to believe someone could actually make this up, so thus I'm taking this at face value.

My girlfriend's ex was 35 while she was only 21 when they dated, and their relationship ended due to many levels, one being the age difference. Let's face it, with age comes responsibility, and to be frank when there is that much of an age difference, the other individual has experienced things taht the other won't for a least a few years. This of course may cause some friction.

But yes, don't be jealous, as you should realize the situation you have put yourself and your "boyfriend" in.
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Old 30th November 2007, 1:00 AM   #12
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And looks do have a lot to do with an age difference - as does maturity.
okay, you got the second part right, maturity has everything to with the consideration of an age difference.

LOOKS DO NOT. looking older or younger than your age does not change your actual age or maturity level. you have a very childlike outlook for someone who claims to be over 30, and it's going to cause you problems. looks like it already is, actually. good luck.
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Old 30th November 2007, 1:08 AM   #13
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Actually, a 13-year age difference is a HUGE deal (especially at age 23!) and it's sort of creepy that you don't realize that.

And agreed with KenzieAbsolutely, again. You seem very deluded, OP.
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Old 30th November 2007, 1:14 AM   #14
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Well, I don't know if I would say she's deluded. I think we need to consider the world she is living in. They are both working in a strip club - we're not talking about two people being in a corporate executive setting and having a different focus.

I do think she's a bit off the mark in thinking he is very mature, considering his disrespectful comments to her. One thing to rationalize he needs to flirt with strippers and let them touch him for tips (does ANYONE else not see that this guy has fooled her into believing this and he has it MADE? lol. Well done, kid), but a whole other to ask your gf who she thinks is hotter than her or asking if she thinks the girls are flirting with him. But, a 35 year old dating a 23 year old thinking it is more than sex, shows more of a lack of maturity on her part, than anything else in this picture.

So again, just consider the players involved...I am sure to both of them this dynamic is all quite normal. I mean, not to be judgemental here, as I also worked in the sex industry, but once out, you tend to have a different perspective of the people who live in it.
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Old 30th November 2007, 1:16 AM   #15
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If it bothers you, discuss it with your b/f. If he wants to deter them, he will. If he doesn't want to deter them, he won't. If he won't, you decide if you're willing to put up with it. If so, it remains status quo, if not, perhaps it's time to find someone who's not in a job situation that brings them in constant contact with flirtatious women.

You can't control other women or your b/f. You can ask your b/f to respect your boundaries and if he cares enough, he will do so.
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