Keslove Posted November 2, 2007 Share Posted November 2, 2007 Been dating an older woman for close to a year now and the discussion of our future regarding kids, marriage and co-habitation have come up. I love her to death and I could see myself settling down and having kids with her. I highly doubt I could find someone better in life. Everything has been fine up until we discussed these things more seriously and talked about our future time frame. Problem is I can't guarantee I will want to have kids in the next 3 or so years. I just can't be sure right now.... I've told her several times I'd be ready, but now since we've talked more seriously about it, it's freaking me out. I've told her I don't want to put pressure or a time table on us or our future, just to let things happen naturally, and she agrees (but it still doesn't escape the fact that she's older and has a biological time clock when it's best for her to have kids). I'll spend a day/night with her, and everything is fine, but then I'm at work and this anxiety about the future sets in. Like being trapped... I don't want to break up with her, but every time I think I've cleansed these feelings they come back. Link to post Share on other sites
spookie Posted November 2, 2007 Share Posted November 2, 2007 How old is she and how much is the age gap? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Keslove Posted November 2, 2007 Author Share Posted November 2, 2007 I'm 24. She's 32. Link to post Share on other sites
spookie Posted November 2, 2007 Share Posted November 2, 2007 If she was seriously pushing her forties, I'd say she was valid in wanting a firm and immediate commitment to children from you, but at 32 she still has many healthy years ahead in which to procreate. At 24, it's completely understandable that you are not ready to think about kids in your immediate future. You've barely exited adolescence and are only starting to define yourself as an adult... it's likely that having children now would be too soon. I dunno... your age gap doesn't seem that large to me. It just sounds like you're on different pages where commitment is concerned. But, she has more room to compromise IMO. There's no reason for her not to be able to wait for several years until you are ready... whereas it would be unfair of her to ask you to have children when you are not. I think you need to stand your ground on this one. Tell her you want kids, with her, someday, but you are not ready. Explain to her that the pressure is begining to affect your relationship. Then, hope that she backs off... Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 2, 2007 Share Posted November 2, 2007 I think your gf is just concerned that she is going to run out her biological clock waiting for you to be ready to have children. This is a valid concern, and although she does have time to have children, she is probably freaking out just as much as you are. I think you guys need to have a very serious talk (i'm assuming you already have) but like spookie said you are going to have to lay the cards out on the table. You are going to have to tell her that you arent going to be ready any time soon and although you love her very much, the pressure is really hard on you. Hopefully she'll back off, but honestly if she is pressuring you after only a year and you guys aren't even married, I highly doubt she is just going to be able to wait patiently for you. Do you have a timetable for marriage or is this just about children? I hope you guys can work things out and come up with a compromise. When couples aren't on the same page about things it causes rifts in the relationship, and it's just hard to work out, one person usually ends up resenting the other. Link to post Share on other sites
JCD Posted November 4, 2007 Share Posted November 4, 2007 See, this is the reason why you never date older or younger woman. You need to date a woman same age as you are so that both of you are same maturity and at same point in life to want to have kids. I'm 32 and am ready for kids but when I was 24 I wasn't. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 4, 2007 Share Posted November 4, 2007 I think your gf is just concerned that she is going to run out her biological clock waiting for you to be ready to have children. This is a valid concern, and although she does have time to have children, she is probably freaking out just as much as you are. That's it exactly. What if in 3 years, you still aren't anywhere near ready? Then she'll be 35 and after that it becomes harder to get pregnant, and the risks increase for birth defects. If you're still not ready, then she's going to have to start over trying to meet a man she can fall in love with and who loves her and who wants kids...and it's harder to meet single men as you get older as well. She needs to feel secure that you're in this with her, and if you can't offer that, it's best to move on now. Link to post Share on other sites
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