How to Court a Shy and/or Socially Awkward Guy

[chloe17]

Hi. So I'm in a slight pickle here and I'd really appreciate any insight and advice.

 

I really like this guy in my class, and I want to get to know him better. But it's been a frustrating and confusing process so far due to his being awkward and/or shy and my own anxieties and the ease with which I become discouraged.

 

Shy guys, I think, are harder to read because, if they like you, they don't make it as obvious. I first started noticing my crush when he came and sat beside me on the second day of class. Since then till now I have, from the corner of my eye, seen him glance or stare at me a few times during each class. And I noticed that he liked being near me. When we would wait outside class, he would come and stand beside me, or directly opposite me. Moreover, when class was over, he wouldn't just leave. He would either sit in his chair or stand by his seat, as if waiting for something to happen. And whenever I got up and started moving, then he would start moving. It was rather odd, but cute. Twice he ended up behind me as we exited the classroom.

 

Also, whenever my friend and I would talk, he would turn to us, as if he was interested in hearing our conversation. And we could tell he wanted to join in, but that he was probably too shy to do so. Finally, a few weeks ago, I got the nerve to initiate conversation with him. It went well, I was very delighted when I made him laugh.

 

However, I was quite shocked to find out he was even more socially awkward than I thought. I found this out when my friend -- who knows that I like him -- and I invited him to lunch one day. He was fidgety, jumpy, talked fast, and at times seemed like he was looking for an escape route from us. Nonetheless, he was very entertaining, he told us a lot about himself, and was very animated.

 

What I want to do is get him comfortable enough with me so that he knows he can be open with me and trust me. Right now, conversations between the two of us are still very awkward, and it frustrates and discourages me. I know I have to be patient with him, and I will be. I myself am shy, so I understand how debilitating extreme social awkwardness can be. Except, I can't help feeling that maybe I have a completely wrong read on him. Does he want me to approach him?

 

One last problem. Ever since I've started talking to him, I've become less and less certain of him liking me. Here's why:

1. He hardly makes eye contact with me. If he does, it's fleeting.

2. He doesn't contribute to the conversation when it's me talking. I do not know if it's because he likes me and so he's nervous, or if it's because he's not interested in me.

3. The one time we had lunch together -- him, my friend, and I -- my crafty and clever friend left us alone twice. The first time it got a bit too intense for me because for once we were making prolonged eye contact (haha). The second time, he left. He got up and said he had to get going. Normally I would take this as a sign of disinterest, but it's possible that he wanted to avoid being alone with me because of his nerves/lack of confidence, something. Now, perhaps this is just me in denial, so if you think so, please let me know.

 

That being said, I still think he might like me:

1. He has earrings, which prior to the day following the aforementioned lunch he had worn to class only once. At the lunch, I had told him I noticed his earrings. And so...I found it interesting when he wore them to class the next day. Do you catch my drift? Before I had told him that I noticed his earrings, he had worn them to class only once. But immediately following the day I comment on them, he wears them to class. Could be pure coincidence, I guess.

2. I still catch him looking at me sometimes. Once, I turned my head in his direction, and caught him hurriedly looking away from me.

3. The whole fleeting-eye-contact and stealing-glances-at-me and not-comfortable-talking-with-me etc. behavior makes sense when you take into account his being shy. Am I right?

 

So basically, I want to ask you guys, how do I go about charming him? And do you think he might like me?

 

I'm so sorry for this lengthy post, but I didn't want to omit any information I thought necessary for an appropriate analysis -- and therefore, appropriate response. Any help is appreciated. Thank you all and have a nice day.

[norajane]

Sounds like he's nervous. Just be friendly to him all the time, smile at him when you see him, joke around with him, and keep inviting him to join you for lunch. Ask his opinion on things, flirt with him a little, give him small compliments when they're due. You could even work your way up to small touches on his arm, once he eases up around you a little.

 

You really have nothing to lose by doing that, even if he's not interested. And if he is interested, eventually, he'll get comfortable enough around you to ask you out on a date.

[Chesleyfan]

Oh man, this guy is totally me in high school.

 

The short of it: yes, he probably likes you. He's probably just intimidated. Good thing is, he'll probably jump at any chance to spend more time with you, so you'll plenty of time to get to know him. The downside is it's gonna be awkward for a while until you can get him to realize your only human too, and not just some object of his affection. Ultimately, you might need to make the first move.

 

He will come around; I know I did, and now I'm the social butterfly. A little patience and persistence will win out.

[Timberlane]

I honestly don't see why you would want to approach a guy that can't even make eye contact or hold a conversation with you, but here's the deal. If you are assured that he is attracted to you, then you need to do all of the driving. Invite him out to have coffee or diner. Touch his hand, compliment him, etc. Don't expect him to do the same, right, because he's a social clod. But you'll teach him how you like to be spoken to, or at the very least he'll get comfortable at SOME point, relax, and throw you a "You look pretty today."

 

Now when you are interested in getting physical, you have to corner him at the door or invite him in. Lean in to the moron and brush your face against his. Kiss him. Pry his hesitant little mouth open with your tongue. Show him you mean business.

 

Anything less is going to leave you wondering, frustrated, and annoyed. Two hot women I know basically had to do these exact things to land these nerd guys that they liked and worked with. Sheeesh. Like they deserved it!

 

Good luck.

[Saxis]

Haha.. yeah this was me too, and still is to some degree. I have no problems talking to the girls I'm not attracted to or have no interest in though. I get the same way; break eye contact, fidgety, nervous, not being able to speak or finding something to say. I've gotten alot better. Yeah, you'll probably have to force your way into him a little bit at first, but he should at least open up to YOU after that. He'll probably still be awkward with others, but you WILL help him there too...

 

One other thing... You'll probably have to push him a little into situations that he's uncomfortable with, but if he's interested, he will do it.

[Green]

Do you think you're an ugly person or something... why are you into such a loser? Why don't you talk to some one more attractive

[chloe17]

norajane, I agree, that's what I'm going to do, or at the very least attempt to do. Not sure if I'll be inviting him to lunch again any time soon

though, but I'll definitely be friendlier, more open with him.

 

And yes, you're right, even if he's not interested, that doesn't

mean it's not worth getting to know him.

 

Chesleyfan, "a little patience and persistence" is my current motto,

haha. I actually don't really mind now whether he likes me or not. At this point,

I just want to be friends with him and help him be more comfortable

and less awkward.

 

Timberlane, before I got to know him, I didn't know he was this

awkward. I thought he was just reserved, and I'm attracted

to reserved guys because there's this certain air of mystery about them.

Yes, I also thought he seemed a bit shy, but no where as awkward as he actually

is. He's gotten better at making eye contact with me, and today he even

initiated conversation with me, which he never did until today, so I think

things are improving.

 

Do shy guys like aggressive girls, though? Does it not intimidate them

and only push them further away? See, right now, since I sense his awkwardness,

I'm giving him space and am not being agressive with him at all. I'm

actually not sure what I want with him right now. I don't know him well enough

to know if I want us to become more than friends, so I'm just working on

getting to know him right now. When I get to know him better, and decide that I'd

like to be more than friends with him, then I'll be more aggressive. I'm glad things worked

out for the two women you know and their respective men. That's certainly encouraging, if a little

daunting. Being THAT aggressive will be something new for me, heh.

 

Thanks, things are looking up already.

 

Saxis, yay for your getting a lot better. Good for you. I hope to help him do that. When I

look at him -- and this may sound corny but whatever - I see this great guy with so much potential,

but he either doesn't have enough self-confidence to let it show, or isn't very comfortable sharing that

part of him with others. I guess the two could be related. And maybe I'm having delusional romantic notions,

but until I get to know him better and am able to better understand him, this is how I'm going to see him. I want

to help him because I used to be that awkward with guys, and it really sucked and kept me from making some really great

guy friends. So my "goal" right now is just to get him to open up to me.

 

KMT, haha, that's a rather blunt way to put it. No, I do not think I am ugly. Nor do I think he's a loser. Granted,

I sometimes wish he was less awkward, but in some ways his awkwardness is part of his charm. It's him, you know.

And I'm willing to see beyond that. Right now I can tell he's trying - he's talking more, eye contact is improving, and today he started a conversation

with me for the first time - and so I am encouraged to keep trying. Oh, and you mentioned someone more attractive. This guy

is actually pretty cute, I love his eyes, there's something gentle about them.

 

Anyway, thanks to all of you for giving advice and sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate it. Will keep you posted.

[monkey00]

Wow I have to say though...If every girl out there was like you, there wouldn't be women craving jerks and/or losers.

 

But anyway it sounds like he's desperately afraid of rejection because he lacks confidence. Since he's such a shy guy I suggest being friends with him and getting to know him - get him to be comfortable around you so that it doesnt have to be awkward. However that could also be bad, if you guys wind up getting too close as friends either or both of you might be too afraid to take it further and risk losing the friendship.

 

Invite him out to do stuff with you and/or your friends, it would probably help

[Green]

Wow I have to say though...If every girl out there was like you, there wouldn't be women craving jerks and/or losers.

 

But anyway it sounds like he's desperately afraid of rejection because he lacks confidence. Since he's such a shy guy I suggest being friends with him and getting to know him - get him to be comfortable around you so that it doesnt have to be awkward. However that could also be bad, if you guys wind up getting too close as friends either or both of you might be too afraid to take it further and risk losing the friendship.

 

Invite him out to do stuff with you and/or your friends, it would probably help

 

this guy might be the ultimate jerk think about it

[norajane]

this guy might be the ultimate jerk think about it

 

What exactly makes you think that? Because he's young and shy and he's not all about banging every hot girl within his vicinity, like you KMT?

 

Come on, give the guy a break!

[monkey00]

this guy might be the ultimate jerk think about it

 

If you're talking about me, I'm wholeheartedly flattered KMT .

A guy like me can only hope , but enough of ego talk. Let's talk about KMT

[Green]

I've actualy turned many women down for sex b4, he could be the ultimate jerk because quite socially bankrupt guys can also be super violent insane...... the loner profile

[loverboy69]

Hi Chloe:

 

Although I don't exhibit all the awkward signs your man of interest does, I am a shy male when it comes to those I'm attracted to and I can relate.

 

When I'm around those I'm NOT sexually attracted to, I'm outgoing and friendly. I look everyone in the eyes and smile. I even have no problem facing an extremely good looking person assuming I don't have any feelings for them.

 

Bring in someone I'm crushing on and forget it. Direct eye contact is very difficult for me. The longer I let my feelings simmer and the longer I avoid close contact with this person of interest, the harder it gets for me.

 

To make things worse, I'm a gay male. Not only do I have the regular dating issues everyone has to deal with, I have the added burden of weeding through the very complex and sometimes stressful gay dating scene. There are a lot of gay men like me. We're all afraid to make the first move and we're never 100% sure that the guys we are after share our passion (orientation) The stakes are high.

 

It's so easy to get laid for me if I want a one night stand. I'm good looking, dress well and take care of my health. But when I really start to have genuine feelings for someone, that's when it gets hard for me.

 

I think you are doing the right thing. Take things slow and I'm glad things are starting to blossom. Even if the friendship is purely platonic, nothing beats a great friend so more power to you.

 

Let us know how it turns out. I'm always rooting for the underdog (shy guy)!! Good stories like this give us all hope.