To leave or not to leave: the sex thing

[insomnie]

After many ups and downs last year (not hing majorly awful though), my boyfriend and I have reached some understandings about each other and are finally in a really great place in our relationship in all ways but one: he is not interested in sex.

 

He's never had a very high libido, but it's gotten to the point where we might have sex once a week, and even then it feels like obligatory pity sex to me. I've talked to him about it and he's offered a lot of excuses/reasons: he says I feel more like his best friend, that it's boring and he simply prefers to do other things, that he just doens't feel like it, etcetc. I don't really know what to do. I don't want to initiate anything spicy becuase I have tried in the past many times only to get shot down...and that hurts. He doens't offer any input on what he wants/ what his fantasies are either... I don't think he even knows. Nor does HE make any attempt to figure out what is wrong and to fix the problem... last time I talked to him about this he suggested that I have sex with someone on the side and stay with him =(. He doens't watch porn (I've encouraged him to so that he could get a feel for what turns him on) and he doens't masturbate.

 

For the record we are both 21, have been togehter 3 years.

 

I just don't know what to do, don't know whether it's smart to stay in a relationship where I am never going to feel sexy or desired. He wants to get engaged this summer and married in a year or two but I am worried that a couple of years down the line we'll stop having sex altogether, and one or both of us will become embittered and seek divorce. I jsut don't wnat to head down that path.

 

On the other hand...I love him so much, he is my best friend, we share all of our life goals and aspirations....disregarding the issue of sex, we have a fantastic relationship and I don't want to leave. I don't think it will be that easy to find someone who loves me as uncondtionally as he does whom I love back, either.

 

I just don't know what to do....

[LucreziaBorgia]

It doesn't sound like an emotional problem, so much as it does a physical one. When is the last time your boyfriend had a physical and bloodwork done? I would definitely be looking at testosterone levels. It sounds like his is likely very low.

 

A possible, but not likely explanation is that he could be asexual (or reached an asexual plateau in your relationship). Another long shot would be repressed homosexuality, but I would definately not be taking shots in the dark like that until you can rule out physical causes like chemical or hormonal imbalances.

[umbo]

SEX,sex, Learn from your boyfriend relationships are so much more than sex,sex,sex. As your mother and father would say wait until you are married. Get a hobby get a degree get new interests.

[Herzen]

A t 21 you're complaining about the "no sex" thing! That's very scary.

 

The reasons for your asymmetric sexual drives are secondary. After 3 years, I don't imagine any quick medical fix. It sounds like your BF can function, but he doesn't "function" nearly as often as you'd prefer. (I won't even go to the latent Gay possibility thing).

 

I don't see an easy solution. You're both young, you're both soul mates. Still, the sex thing will remain in your relationship like an 800 lb gorilla, and he won't go away--until you do.

 

And you will, at some point.

 

Meanwhile, keep trying. But there is one other possibility: He may not be that in to you, sexually. As painful as that sounds, that's a distinct possibility.

 

Good luck, and keep your opportunities open.

[dropdeadlegs]

A physical exam, specifically noting his lack of libido, is indeed in order.

 

Personally when I lost libido, I just wasn't in love with him "like that" anymore. I probably never was, but I was too young to really understand the complexities of love. I married at 20 because I was pregnant and I lost sexual interest pretty quickly. A baby didn't help matters. Since I cared about the man, but didn't feel a sexual attraction, I didn't seek help. I didn't want help because physical attraction is something I feel or don't. I didn't think any amount of therapy was going to change that, and there wasn't anything physically wrong with me. I did the obligatory act every few weeks, and he told me that it made him feel just like you are feeling now. We even had another child. Eventually I cheated and we divorced after 8 years together. It should not have lasted that long, it was dead by two years.

 

A friend of mine has been married for 25 years, His wife rarely has sex and he is constantly miserable about that, but truly loves her. He has considered sex on the side, and his wife says she's fine with that, too. I think it's his morals that stop him. I don't think he could contribute in emotionless sex, either. I don't think they will divorce even though their youngest child is now in college, but I don't see their sex life getting any better either.

 

I share these two stories as possibilities for your future. If he doesn't see the lack of sex as a problem, he may not be inclined to have it checked out. Sometimes relationships evolve into more of a "best friends" mode. You can't imagine your life without your partner, but the physical attraction sparks have died. You said that he has stated you are more like his best friend and that he has not attempted to fix this. I would not suggest a sexless life as the way to go. For many, marriage compounds the problem. If it can be overcome, great, but don't opt for a lifetime of not feeling sexy and desired. Be best friends and find someone who can fulfill your relationship more completely. Sex is important to me, and it sounds like it's important to you, too.

[lovelorcet]

SEX,sex, Learn from your boyfriend relationships are so much more than sex,sex,sex. As your mother and father would say wait until you are married. Get a hobby get a degree get new interests.

 

 

I completely disagree...

 

A relationship is not all about sex but it is a major part of a relationship. Maybe the OP is just finding out that she is not sexually compatible with her bf. On the other hand you guys met young and maybe he just isn't that into you. Like he said, you are like a good friend and not like a lover.

 

This is exactly the reason why it is a mistake to wait until marriage to find these kinds of things out.

[Davis]

I would have to agree with Lucrezia: have his testosterone checked and rule that out. Sorry, but I can't help but think "he's not that into you". But let me ask you: if you stayed with him long term or married him, would this low sexual activity be acceptable to you? I don't think so. I think you would be just "settling" because of the other parts of the relationship and you would end up being very unhappy.

 

I'm not bragging, but at 40, I have typically had sex with my last gf at least once a day! With my current "date" sometimes it's even twice a day. I don't think I'm any kind of sex fiend either. And he's 21?? Scarey. You might check out Dr. Laura's website (I know many of you detest her) because she has covered this topic many times on the air. Sorry to say, but if I were you, I would be looking for a new guy that makes you feel good about yourself, wants you and matches your sexual desire. Good luck.

[RecordProducer]

It doesn't sound like an emotional problem, so much as it does a physical one. When is the last time your boyfriend had a physical and bloodwork done? I would definitely be looking at testosterone levels. It sounds like his is likely very low.

 

A possible, but not likely explanation is that he could be asexual (or reached an asexual plateau in your relationship). Another long shot would be repressed homosexuality, but I would definately not be taking shots in the dark like that until you can rule out physical causes like chemical or hormonal imbalances.

I was going to post the very same thing. testosterone seems to be his problem, IMO.

 

SEX,sex, Learn from your boyfriend relationships are so much more than sex,sex,sex. As your mother and father would say wait until you are married. Get a hobby get a degree get new interests.

Yeah, right, run away from the problem, get frustrated, and end up cheating later down the road!

[orangehose]

I agree with the others - possible low testosterone, or maybe he's just not that sexual a person, or perhaps his feelings for you are more brotherly than horny.

 

My first boyfriend either had an innately low sex drive, or just wasn't ALL that attracted to me, and it was one reason why I broke up with him. I didn't want to face a lifetime of rejection or mismatched drives since that's fairly important. I've since dated a guy who has much more physical interest in me, and it's been pretty different. No guarantee things will work out for the long run with him either, but I'm glad I didn't just resign myself to a life with the first guy without checking out other possibilities.

 

Plus, there are TONS of guys out there with women who have very little interest in sex - it would be kind of a waste of your sex drive to be with a guy who wasn't interested...

[RecordProducer]

I am confused with all these abbreviations:

 

BS= betrayed spouse or bullshyt

NC=no contact

OW=other woman

 

Can anyone remind me what SEX stands for?

[fallendisguise]

SEX,sex, Learn from your boyfriend relationships are so much more than sex,sex,sex. As your mother and father would say wait until you are married. Get a hobby get a degree get new interests.

 

No offense, but I think that is BS. And by that I mean "bullshyt".

 

Sure, that may apply if you're going through life having nothing but sex and never forming a meaningful relationship. But when you're in a meaningful relationship that is something that strengthens your bond... intimacy. But relationships should not be all about sex, sex, sex.

 

I agree that he should have some tests done. However, I also agree that it might be that he sees you as more of a bestfriend in a brotherly way, but realizes what the two of you have and is willing to go without. The fact that he says it would be okay if you have sex on the side throws up a HUGE red flag for me. Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way. But if you are romantically invested in someone you aren't going to be ok with them having sex with other people. You would check out what is causing the problem ASAP.

 

I don't think you should settle for his lack of performance so to speak. It's already making you feel un-sexy and undesirable. That is not good. Eventually, it will wear down your self-esteem all together and then cause resentment, no matter how great things are. I can say that from personal experience. This is important to you, so it should be to him too and if it's not then you will find someone else that you have a similar connection with (if not better) who makes you feel sexy and desirable on top of that. Don't ever cheat yourself. Just because you move on doesn't mean that you can't be best friends or have to cut each other out of your lives.

 

It makes me wonder how he is in regards to being affectionate? Is it something he only does when you do? Is it sincere? I just wonder. If he isn't then you're depriving yourself in more ways than one.

 

Sorry for the long post!

[dropdeadlegs]

insomnie,

 

You stated that his libido has never been very high, but has it dropped suddenly, say in the last 4 months or so? I think you know where I'm going with this. Just a thought.

[Reckless]

All I can say is read the sexless marriage threads on this site. Read the misery, pain years of feeling unattractive, confustion, self-doubt. Read about the men and women that looked for 'sex on the side' some discovered passion and left, others felt cheated.. most felt hurt that they HAD to look for sexual fulfilment with someone other than their partners.

 

Sex is the physical expression of the love that bonds a man and a woman together. Although no two people are perfectly matched a happy marriage long-term requires that both compromise and reach a point were they can feel fulfilled and desired. The sexless marriage you are contemplating is a burden that will weigh you down and finally crush your spirit. It will take years, you will have some children to try and fill the gap. They won't but they WILL be affected by the vibes of frustration or the eventual divorce.

 

Sure marriage and love is more than sex. Sickness and incapacity may eventually limit a couples sexlife, but sex is an important and beautiful part of a healthy marriage and at such a young age think LONG and HARD (no pun intended) before you willingly make such a committment.

[VirtualInsanity]

Skimed your threads & wonder if you still are, if being pregnant has anything to do w/ it?

[Trialbyfire]

A guy at 21 should be in high drive like a bunny on steroids...

 

Do have him checked out physically. You can't marry your best friend. You need a lover who if you're lucky, will also be your best friend.

[tommyr]

Trust me when I say you do NOT want to be married to someone with a much lower sex drive and who will not even work on the issue for your sake.

[insomnie]

Heh. Reading over my responses, the consensus (as I thought) is that I shouldn't settle. I knew that's what people would say. That's what I would say.

 

It's just so hard when the perosn is your best friend, when you love him so much and the attraction from YOUR side is still all there. Especially after 3 very formative years. I mean, I met him on the first day of college. I haven't even been alone as an adult =(. He's a part of me...and breaking up would be like ripping a giant part of myself out and throwing it away.

 

I think I am going to give it some more time, see if thigns don't improve of their own accord. A couple of things I didn't mention (but shoudl have) is that he is a regular pot smoker and claims that weed lowers his libido, and that he also gets absolutley no exercise ever. I'm going to try to decrease my own smoking and start exercising and see if he doens't follow suit and if that doens't help things. If it doesn't I'll see about the bloodwork... if he's getting two orgasms a week it might just be that there is somethign wrong physically. And if those efforts fail to provide some insight or a soluation...I am going to leave.

[pelagicsands]

It's just so hard

I'm happy to hear that everything is fixed.

[dropdeadlegs]

I'm not a man, but pot increases my libido. Maybe I should ask my many pot smoking male friends how it affects them. I'll be back with a report.

[pelagicsands]

Maybe I should ask my many pot smoking male friends how it affects them.

Be careful with that randy bunch. They might ask you to smoke them.

[Teddy and Jane]

It's definitely the pot smoking. I was dating a guy who smoked about 4 times a week, he didn't care either way if he had sex or not. I dumped him after 2 months, forget that crap.

Now, if someone does it once in a while, then yes, it does enhance the libido, but regular potsmoking like I described, well, being high is like his orgasm, the high he gets from the pot is as fun for him as sex, more fun actually, so that explains his ambivalence. Get him to stop smoking pot altogether or dump his ass.

[dropdeadlegs]

Be careful with that randy bunch. They might ask you to smoke them.

They always do, but I haven't revealed the libido aspect.

 

Answer my PM!

 

Insomnie,

Any regular drug use can affect libido. Some in positive ways, some in negative ways. I haven't come across this problem with pot, but people react differently. I have found the drugs that that would be considered "uppers" (cocaine, crystal meth, and to a lesser extent amphetamines) to be the worst culprits where libido, or maybe ability, is concerned. The "downer" family hasn't had that affect, assuming you can keep your partner awake.

 

Pot has been good to me, but I think you may already understand that. It could have a very different affect on your BF, but I really believe that it's deeper than that. Do what it takes to bring answers or closure.

[insomnie]

Hey ddl....

 

Pot definitely increased my libido as well. That's why it was so confusing to me when my BF and I started smoking pot together and he didn't want to have sex when we were high. But, I think it has different effects on everyone/guys. My bf wnats to think abotu strategy games and play the guitar when we're high, not have sex =(. On the other hand, when he's drunk, he can't keep his hands off me....but he's not that muc of a drinker =(. He has something against alcohol for some reason. I can't get him to drink more than once or twice a year (not that I'm trying to make him an alcholic or anything.)

 

Anyway.... I'm going to do what I said. Actually right now we're having bigger problems than just the sex thing. Our other ghost has resurfaced....he is feeling smohtered and has asked for space =(. This happens every couple of months - I am getting sick of it - every couple of months he just decides to take a week off having a relationship. He'll do something o piss me off (somethign REALLY rude) and when I talk to him about it he'll tell me about alllll the problems he's been having with ME (which consist of me smothering him by spending time togheter every weekend and having the same itnerests as him) and refuse to see me that weekend. It drives me insane - it is sooo unfair to me IMO for me to jsut hang around at home or whatever while he has a blast with his friends while refusing to see me =(. I'm pretty upset. In fact I'm trahsed and contemplating leaving for good tomorrow morning =(.

 

Thanks for the responses yall. One more question. Would you rahter pick our best friend in opposite-sex form for life partner, or a lover? If you also had occasional sex with the friend. I was just wondering.

[Trialbyfire]

Since I tend to date guys who I've known as friends first, who through their continued interest have tweaked my interest, I'd rather have the lover or romantic who has the potential to become my best friend.

 

Maybe that's why the combination of intellect, sense of humour and similar interests are so important to me.

[Star Gazer]

It drives me insane - it is sooo unfair to me IMO for me to jsut hang around at home or whatever while he has a blast with his friends while refusing to see me =(

 

No, what's "sooo unfair" is that you expect him to be your sole form of entertainment. Please don't take offense to this, but you need to get a life that involves something other than your sexless BF and pot.