I am no longer a social butterfly.

[princesssockhead]

So I've been going through some rough times this past year and am feeling really lonely right now. I have a committed boyfriend who does a good job most of the time of helping me through problems but I've pushed him too far. He feels overwhelmed by my problems/feelings and has told me many times that he doesn't want to be my therapist. Nor do I want him to be! But because I have codependent tendencies and I've lost touch with a lot of my friends by relying on him.

 

Now I am trying to be pro-active and work through these problems on my own but it can be very lonely feeling sometimes.

 

I wish I had a gf I could talk to or in essence "rant" and sound off my problems with but I don't. Never have been good with making friends of the same sex anyhow but that doesn't mean I don't long to have a gf to share with and go shopping with.

 

Is it stupid to say that I don't remember how to make friends? I feel scared and shy about putting myself back out into the world to make friends. I get annoyed with the thought of having to maintain a close friendship by planning out things to do and talking on the phone. I just don't know how to get from point A (where I'm at) to point B (which would be having a few new friends).

 

Has anyone had a similar experience to this? What do I need to do to make new friends? Your advice is much appreciated.

[loveinlife]

Hi Princessockhead,

 

It is hard to make friends. I know because I have only a few. However, I always keep the ones that are valuable to me, ones that'll make me happy when I am sad. The ones that give me words of wisdom.

 

About meeting new people, sometimes it just clicks. I say just be yourself and not look at all. Sometimes all it takes is a lil chat, like a comment about something to another person. This could generate a lot more dialog if the other person feels like chatting with you too. There's a lot of people out there who wants to talk to someone also.

 

I've heard its hard for a girl to meet someone than a guy. I wish you the best.

 

Do you have any gf that you still keep in contact?

[Jane Doe]

I wish I had a gf I could talk to or in essence "rant" and sound off my problems with but I don't..........

 

.............I get annoyed with the thought of having to maintain a close friendship by planning out things to do and talking on the phone.

 

It sounds like to me you don't really want a friend in the true sense of the word, but instead a counselor. If the thought of maintaining a friendship annoys you, that could be the reason why you don't have close friends. They've picked up on that.

[tearful_soul22]

Making friends require quite a lot of proportion of your time and both need to be enthusiastic in order for friendship to grow. Yes it's hard to make friends sometimes..but there are lots of activities out there you might consider joining to get things started. Just be yourself and don't limit yourself to just one particular area. Take care and good luck!!!

[Meg_77]

Hi Princessockhead (! - what a great name) it reminds me of a short poem I wrote ages ago -

 

i - hate - you

you've just got one of those faces

i'd like to hit you with a brick in a sock

in various painful places!

 

that poem is the darker but funny side of me coming out. it appeared from nowhere once when I was contemplating how is that sometimes when you meet someone you can just have this awful hateful feeling towards them. which is kinda relevant.... kinda

 

you sound a bit like me. i have spent way too much of my life being dependant on bf's. always having a mutual social circle with my bf and only a coulpe of friends of my own. I have 3 friends. 1 lives miles away who I see only a few times a year, one who has no job and doesn't enjoy going out, and the third one I have only known for a year and has just had a baby. not looking good on the socialising front is it? i have just recently split with my fiance and I know one of the many reasons he wanted it to end was because I didn't have enough interests of my own and I didn't really have much independance outside of the relationship. And now I am on my ass and lonely. I was aware that if ever we split up that I would be lonely but I still didn't move my butt about it. But I can see that who I was when he first met me was because of all the good unique things about me, even things I like about me. They over time went to the back burner whilst I got comfortable with him, forgot about those good things about me and just worried about eveything that came along. I can see how that can't have been worth staying for.

 

Talking about your problems all the time is - I guess - because you constantly are worrying about stuff. Everything being on the negative side. And I bet you get frustrated with yourself over it too thinking that way. But all that is is a habit. Did you know that? I am so used to being this way where I worry about everything that I often convince myself that that is just how I am and always will be. Get out the violins! But I know that that is NOT true.

 

I have been here before - with no friends. It was years ago but I do know that the part of me that talks about what is wrong all the time needs to shut up if I am to make any friends. And amazingly it makes you feel better too because you aren't focused on the 'issues' when you are talking about mundane day-to-day stuff or things you like. I remember eventually turning into this positive person and being unrecognisable to myself.

 

One defining moment that kicked me up the butt was my mum saying to me that people were avoiding me because I was miserable. OMG - I couldn't believe my mother would say such a thing when I was so down, it hurt sooo much - but you what - it bloody worked. I didn't want people to see me like that. I knew that inside that wasn't me, that I was a nice person with lots to offer.

 

My advice is to actually see a therapist and be pro-active about solving your issues be it via a therpaist, writing it down, chatting in here, reading self-help books about particular issues and talk yourself or write yourself into being a positive person, set yourself small goals, dare yourself, take risks! what is the worst that can happen? Tell yourself how you would like you to be and all the time remember - that you are normal. I know that might sound an odd thing to say but you are not weird, not weak for feeling the way you do - it's normal and these are feeling everyone has.

 

I am one of those people who doesn't make friends with people of the same sex easily. I am always suprised when I make a female friend or make the time an effort to see one of my 2 girlfriends and realise just how much fun I have with them - I forget you see because I do it so rarely. But there is something so fantastic about being able to chat about men and things with girlfriends - that it is what helps women survive! I always feel so great when I am seeing them.

 

I have heard men say "women are weird" when talking about how much women can b***h about each other. oooo we can be catty. but it's all about self esteem and feeling threatened and comparing ourselves against each other. alot of us want to be better in various ways - looks, fitness, confidence etc. and the constant comparing (which I think is natural) can overtake us if we are feeling low. think about a time when you have been really happy to chat with other girls - where was it, what was going on in your life, what where you talking about - maybe you should arrange that type of thing again. soon!

 

Now the 'maintaining' a friendship thing. I am rubbish at it - and so are my 3 (lol) friends! We all are. All of us rarely "chat" on the phone because we all know our moods vary so much. But the great thing is, is that we can all be assertive with each other. We can say I don't want to talk and make up a crappy excuse why we can't. But none of us mind that because we all want our own personal space. But then - there is the other side. The side that I need to work on. The side that has to MAKE AN EFFORT, the side that HAS TO MAKE AN EFFORT (I say twice to reinforce!) to make some friends that I need for ME. For example: No matter how much it is going to kill me, this weekend I am going round to a new 'friend's' house. Well, he share's the house with 2 other people - 1 male and one female. I hardly know any of them, but they are a year above me in the course i am studying at uni, and I like them all alot - even though I have never spent more than ...say.... 5 minutes at any one time talking to any of them! They have all graduated now (I have a year left) and the thought of facing 3 people I hardly know is terrifying! But - I know we all have stuff in common and I also know that the stuff we have in common is the type of stuff that made my ex fall for me because he thought I was so creative. So - my plan is to work on my creative stuff because I love it, it is the very core of me and I am just starting to make a living from it- after years! I want my life to be different. I want friends and in order to do that I have to dare myself into situations.... I will let you know how it goes shall I?

 

I know this is long - I hope I haven't gone off on a mad tangent! and that you can take something from it. I really feel for you and would love to know how you get on. I think the most important thing is to decide what you want and think about how you can get it. i bet there are things about yourself you like and things you want to try or pursue like ... god knows... painting... yoga... ( i just sound like a right hippy now!), so go on - do it! Dare yourself! And look after yourself too.

 

good luck princessockhead *giggle* x