Brittanyjean06 Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 I have this personal relationship with a friend, who used to be best friends with my ex.. we all used to hang out He had a girlfriend for over a year, and I was with my ex for over 2 years... Me and my friend, are in the same boat... I went to waffle house with him last night, to discover he had feelings for me and wanted to pursue a little more...considering the circumstances on both our parts, It would be perfect? But, being around him gives me some memories of my ex...and I do not see him that way...I can't date someone who is in connection with my past...I'm sorry but thats too much And, i simply do not feel that way, Not even rebound feelings...I love him as a friend...hes writing this girl a note, to tell her he doesn't like her like that...this girl yes is my friend, not a good friend...but I still would not do that to her at all! On his away message, it says "i hope i did not make i huge mistake....:-\ ".... which i think meens he thinks it might have been a mistake to teling me, because now he doesn't want things to be awkward as friends... I coulden't blog about this, lol that would have been a bit too much information... I was just sharing my thoughts Link to post Share on other sites
sazzya1987 Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Well if you don't want a relationship with this guy and you know that for sure then whats the problem? Just tell him, since he is your friend and you shoudl be able to tell your friends anything, just tell him you only want to be friends nothing more right now as you do not feel the same way he feels, you only love him as a friend, maybe in time the longer you two are friends feelings may slowly progess, but for now just tell him you like the friendship, let him down gently and carry on the way things have been going as the friendship, pick up on the friendship where it left off Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brittanyjean06 Posted February 20, 2006 Author Share Posted February 20, 2006 Thanks! perfect advice...im sure it might be a tad bit awkward at first..but its allright I meen, things don't always start out as crushes right? Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 It would be awkward; the relationship has already changed by him telling you where he stands. Some guys can maintain a friendship and some can't. Not everything starts off as a crush, some start of as friendships and them bam! one gets a spark. I would suggest telling him where you stand but both of you have to understand that being friends is not easy when one has feelings. Once the cat is out of the bag, it is not easy to put it back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brittanyjean06 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Share Posted February 21, 2006 Yeah, he knows where i stand. It's been a long time since I've ever really rejected any one...and now all the feelings are like " you feel bad"...you want to just give it a try... but I'm in no position for what he wants... I am fine for dating, but there are too many circumstances to as why i won't with him thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 Hi brittanyjean, I think you can help me out with something as my situation relates to your thread. I told about my feelings for one of my female friends (we knew each other for 4 months) and she said she didn't have any feelings for me. After getting rejected I stepped back a little but she pulled me in harder than before and so badly wants to remain friends with me. She puts in a lot of effort to keep the friendship alive. I find this puzzling. Not really sure why she is doing this. I initially thought she is getting her attention fill but i do not compliment her, spend for her, she never ever talks about other guys, doesn't talk about any of her problems.... we just have fun whenever we meet. Any thoughts about what's going on and what i can possibly do? Thanks, NC Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 I am fine for dating, but there are too many circumstances to as why i won't with him thank you! The dreaded friend zone... Noclobber: I'm in the same situation, she started to talk to me but so far I told her I can't be friends because I have feelings for her. She promised to not cross the line. I told her if she has to promise to not cross the line, then she is not herself; which is still a no to friendship or relationship. I told her if she is crossing the line, there is something there and I'm doing something right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brittanyjean06 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Share Posted February 21, 2006 I have known my friend for 5 years, you only 4 months! so it would feel a little bit more weird for me.. If she is trying to remain friends with you, than take it as that!... If she said she didn't have feelings for you, go on with your friendship. She will be the one to tell you if she wants more:) good luck Link to post Share on other sites
PlentyLV007 Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 That is a hard place to be in the "friend zone". I hope that I would never have to be in that position but, I have in my past. Then we ended up being toghether for 5 years. Yet with most people it doesn't seem to turn out that way. I had a friend who really liked me and really wanted to be with me. Clobber you've read my post you know what I'm talking about. I care so much about him and loved his company but as a friend and nothing more. I loved hanging out with him and going out with him w/ no worry of a committment and plus I wasn't attracted to him in that way. I tried greatly not to lead him on or hurt his feelings. I would always try to introduce him to other females and so on. I wanted him to be happy. =) Just accept it for what it is. Would you rather have her as a friend or not have her at all? What will you lose or gain from being her friend? Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 That is a hard place to be in the "friend zone". I hope that I would never have to be in that position but, I have in my past. Then we ended up being toghether for 5 years. Yet with most people it doesn't seem to turn out that way. I had a friend who really liked me and really wanted to be with me. Clobber you've read my post you know what I'm talking about. I care so much about him and loved his company but as a friend and nothing more. I loved hanging out with him and going out with him w/ no worry of a committment and plus I wasn't attracted to him in that way. I tried greatly not to lead him on or hurt his feelings. I would always try to introduce him to other females and so on. I wanted him to be happy. =) Just accept it for what it is. Would you rather have her as a friend or not have her at all? What will you lose or gain from being her friend? Good luck! Thank you so much for this post! This is something that I really need now. I actually started backing off from my friend in a subtle way. I am damn sure that she will make a big hue and cry if i cut off the friendship explicitly. So I am just giving excuses and moving away slowly. She has been asking me for a movie for the past couple of weeks and i gave her some excuses but she is still waiting and is asking me whether we can go this weekend. Yesterday she asked me for a basketball game and i declined. Today as usual she asked me for lunch and again i said 'sorry'. She is kinda sensing something and is now asking me whether we can atleast meet for coffee. God, I just don't know what I am supposed to do. If its a girlfriend I can "break-up" with her and be done with it but this woman is my friend and i don't know what to do.. Can you please help? Link to post Share on other sites
PlentyLV007 Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 BE HONEST! Tell her the truth and don't reject her in that way cause it's hurtful. My old friend did that to me and I respected his decision of backing away from me but he told me he had feelings for me. I told him I loved being his friend...he said that he couldn't just be my friend. He backed off ,and yes I missed him and yes I thought about him. Till he called me and we met and he told me he had a girlfriend and I was happy. Yet of course other problems came about but, you know that..... In your case just let her know why your distancing yourself. If she's a great friend she will understand and give you your space. Then you won't feel so aquard and won't have to give her excuses. Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 BE HONEST! Tell her the truth and don't reject her in that way cause it's hurtful. My old friend did that to me and I respected his decision of backing away from me but he told me he had feelings for me. I told him I loved being his friend...he said that he couldn't just be my friend. He backed off ,and yes I missed him and yes I thought about him. Till he called me and we met and he told me he had a girlfriend and I was happy. Yet of course other problems came about but, you know that..... In your case just let her know why your distancing yourself. If she's a great friend she will understand and give you your space. Then you won't feel so aquard and won't have to give her excuses. well i don't have feelings for her anymore! now if she says she wants to be with me i doubt whether i can take her as a girlfriend. the reason i am trying back away is i am wondering whether i am being used by this person. i mean, why would she want to be with me so much and yet not willing to date me? why does she have to hound me in the name of friendship? i think there is something that i am not able to put a finger on. if she is hanging out with me b'cos of the attention and her ego is getting stroked then this is not even a friendship. but i am not sure what exactly is the case. and obviously i cannot ask her "hey do you really like me and that's why you are my friend OR you are hanging out with me b'cos you are getting an ego-boost?" Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Clobber you've read my post you know what I'm talking about. I care so much about him and loved his company but as a friend and nothing more. I loved hanging out with him and going out with him w/ no worry of a committment and plus I wasn't attracted to him in that way. even my friend said she didn't have feelings for me. she didn't want me as anything more than a friend and may be she was not attracted to me. i find this very very insulting and humiliating!! my self-esteem has taken a plunge.... rejection hurts.... it hurts like hell Link to post Share on other sites
PlentyLV007 Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 it's not an ego trip. Trust me! I'm telling u the truth. I loved hanging around him. We had good times....Your making it sound like her frienship is hounding you like in a bad way. Your lucky to have one really good and loyal friend, rather than having none. Don't you know how hard it is to find good, loyal, honest and truthworthy people like yourself. Trust me....she'd rather have you as a friend than mess up that great frienship you guys have. Somtimes your just better off being friends. I know it sucks, but it's true. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Trust me....she'd rather have you as a friend than mess up that great frienship you guys have. Somtimes your just better off being friends. I know it sucks, but it's true. Good friends are hard to find, already hard to keep and occassionally one will cross the line unconsciencously. It is hard to have a friendship when there are ingredients for a spark, let alone a flame. Not easy backing off for either party; both need to have some time apart. It does suck big time. Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Thanks! Can you guys tell me how you take rejection? I feel burnt, insulted, and humiliated by this woman's rejection. She rejected me late last year and its still seeting inside of me. Link to post Share on other sites
PlentyLV007 Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 When I told my friend about me not seeing him in that way....months...later out of no where he told me that it took great effect in his confidence. I felt greatly hurt because I don't want to cause him hurt because I know what it feels like to want someone so bad and they don't want you back. Then after he yelled at me, I let him be. I think it is a good Idea for you guys to have some space with each other.... Just go about your buisness and date....take your mind off things, find a little flame that will take interest in you just as you in her and you'll be fine!!! Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 When I told my friend about me not seeing him in that way....months...later out of no where he told me that it took great effect in his confidence. I felt greatly hurt because I don't want to cause him hurt because I know what it feels like to want someone so bad and they don't want you back. Then after he yelled at me, I let him be. I think it is a good Idea for you guys to have some space with each other.... Just go about your buisness and date....take your mind off things, find a little flame that will take interest in you just as you in her and you'll be fine!!! Thanks PlentyLV007! may be that's what i am trying to do... i dunno. "have some space" -> its easier said than done. i dunno how to go about it. btw, can you tell me what's the best way to deal with rejection? Link to post Share on other sites
PlentyLV007 Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 . btw, can you tell me what's the best way to deal with rejection? Honestly....the only way to go about it is if you think your doing something wrong then change your approach. In your case I don't think your doing anything wrong....my old friend, he wasn't doing anything wrong before, I just wasn't attracted to him. The majority of my friends are guys. One of my guy friends once told me " I can't control other's who are attracted to me". For your friends case you know.... Just be happy for you....do things for you to make you feel good! Always think....What can I do to make "me" happy, stronger, better, and for myself. U must first love yourself to allow another to love you as well!!! That's why I'm saying...date, go out, mingle, chat, make new friends and never have expectations. Go about life every day like it's your last.... things happen when you least expect them to. =) Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Can you guys tell me how you take rejection? I feel burnt, insulted, and humiliated by this woman's rejection. She rejected me late last year and its still seeting inside of me. She was seeing a guy and I stood up say he was a jerk and I was the better man and why; and I didn't know about it for almost 3 months. I noticed something but didn't do a thing. Sometimes you just have to stand up and fight. I got a hair cut, dressed nice, jeans with sport coat. She liked the way I look plus dressed, commented a few times. How I handled it was about to treat it like any relationship, including romantic ones. Take time away, move one, NC, etc... When I first got the rejection I wished her the best of luck. She called the next day saying she was interested in older men, sorry, never saw me that way, we would have been romantic, etc... Week later we chatted and I told her how I really REALLY felt and things about her that she was surprised that she crossed the line unconsciencously then she said wanted space. Only to call me the next day asking for help. I blew her off then called her the next day to help her. She was very upset that I blew her off. I told her she initiated space & time and will call me when you feel better. Well less than 24 hours? She wants to marry a guy who she can't live without and feels I will exceed her oneday. Well I told her that if she calls within 24 hours for help and that I will oneday exceed her (she is a small business owner) she should take me off the market. She was not happy, said she will always care about me, send me emails and call once in awhile, then hung up. She called me after 30 days of NC, I almost broke down a few times and contacted her but held. I said no friendship because I have feelings, can't be a true friend if I have to fake it. She called the next day saying she promises not to cross the line, I said then no because you are not yourself. We're talking now but she is on a 1 week vacation to find herself and get her head out of her a$$. She is 10 yrs older than me and I feel and told her that I'm the better mate. She knows my timeframes as in I'm getting a MS degree and my jobs are not in her area which she wants me to move to. I'm expecting the worse, hoping for the better; but staying the course and going with plan B (moving on, job) w/o her. I can always stop plan B and go back to plan A. I will keep you guys posted. She and I are supposed to chat next week but I might go to UK for a personal / business trip. Right now we have limited chatting via email and I kept my distance because she is on vacation to find herself. Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Thanks, that was wonderful Honestly....the only way to go about it is if you think your doing something wrong then change your approach. In your case I don't think your doing anything wrong....my old friend, he wasn't doing anything wrong before, I just wasn't attracted to him. The majority of my friends are guys. One of my guy friends once told me " I can't control other's who are attracted to me". For your friends case you know.... Just be happy for you....do things for you to make you feel good! Always think....What can I do to make "me" happy, stronger, better, and for myself. U must first love yourself to allow another to love you as well!!! That's why I'm saying...date, go out, mingle, chat, make new friends and never have expectations. Go about life every day like it's your last.... things happen when you least expect them to. =) Link to post Share on other sites
noclobber Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 jerbear, if she has clearly told you that she doesn't want you as more than friends and also requests for some space then i think its better for you to move away from her. my situation is very similar to yours but its just that i need space but she keeps hounding me Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 jerbear, if she has clearly told you that she doesn't want you as more than friends and also requests for some space then i think its better for you to move away from her. my situation is very similar to yours but its just that i need space but she keeps hounding me When she called me back and talked about promising not to cross the line, just the tone of her voice was not normal. She was crying out for something. I was her safety net, her confidante to start a business, good friend, one of two best experiences from business school; she knew I liked her and chases her. I found out later that her best 2 friends intervened on my behalf; that she was throwing away a great guy; so what he is younger, asian, and a good friend. both she and I have interests in each other along the way; just never really crossed. I'm 30, she's 40. I'm fine now. I'm not definately not the old jerbear. Besides, you don't take naps with friends or spend the night. Those hugs and kisses on the cheek are a little to tight and close to the lips. Her actions and words don't match up. Said yes to a date then backed away, wanted to go on a date (she said it) and broke it off. I asked a few times in the past, she was ok then backed off for legit reasons (9/11, business issue, sudden court case, breaking a leg, etc...) In the past asked what I wanted, lover or friendship; I said both (she was quiet and looked confused) Asked what I wanted for this Christmas, I said her; didn't push away and didn't pull me closer. So she is wishy washy, scared who knows. She knows how I feel and I know where she stands. The other day she called to say "Barbie looking for Jerbear; happy friday!" Why would she call me by my pet name, crossing the line? Honestly I have a timeframe and refocused my attentions, that was my plan B, finish classes (FT + 1 extra class), get the MS degree, MOVE ON, get back into politics, get a govt job (hidden govt agencies and never be found again). She wanted me to go into investment banking (her choice & my initial choice) I gave her two pockets, she rejected the left pocket of cutting ties (backoff and say goodbye) and wanted some time away but didn't say anything about the right pocket (diamond ring to say I was not f***ing around) Who knows... I'm still contining with plan B So I guess I understand a friend wanting more? :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
carmaenforcer Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 One more example of how mena dn women can't be friends. I guess that's just me though because when I was single I didn't like to stay friends with a girl once she told me she wanted to hook up. I eventually just stopped trying to have girls as friends. Link to post Share on other sites
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