i have no friends

[carys]

im serious

 

ive been through seventeen years of life and i dont have one friend to account for it.

 

at weekends i sit in and watch tv or surf the net, i dont have one person i can call to even chat to

 

i dont even have one best mate i can rely on.

 

i have massive issues with trusting people, and now im seriously alone, all other people my age have tons of mates, and theyre all out with them right now i expect

 

i dont know why i did this post, its not a question orplea for advice i just needed to say it i think. i dont know what my problem is

[blind_otter]

You are unhappy with a specific aspect of your life. You have identified the potential source for this - your trust issues. Now you have a choice. Continue to be unhappy, or do something about it.

 

I hope you do the latter.

[luvtoto]

I can completely relate with what you are saying, carys. I have a very difficult time trusting people and making friends as well. Besides, LS, I have only a couple coworker friends. Having no husband/boyfriend, no family...makes for a lonely life.

 

The tough thing is that I have a coworker that makes friends like CRAZY!! Makes me sick. Maybe, I am giving off some kind of vibe that just makes me unapproachable.

 

Things have improved for me in the last two years, though. I have been studying my very popular coworker. Her secret is that she makes people feel good about themselves...by laughing at their jokes...asking them open-ended questions...doing favors for them...complimenting them. People LOVE that!! She is genuinely interested in them. She really listens too...cause the first thing she'll say to me on Monday morning is,"well...how did your so and so plans turn out?" I just love being around her...because of her genuine interest in me.

 

I have been returning the favors to her as well. I go out of my way to go get her an iced tea from Casey's...I bring her hand lotion to use at the office...I bought her a nice Bday cake for her BD...I ask her about her weekend (if she told me something on Friday she was gonna do). I run errands to help her out if she's having a busy day. Nothing she wouldn't do for me.

 

Now, normally, a person might think...'hey! that's just common sense to do those things for someone'. But, not to some people. I was never treated greatly by my parents and never really learned how to treat another person like you would want to be treated yourself.

 

So, in your quest to meet new people...start with coworkers or classmates (not sure your situation)...remember, little gestures go along way.

 

Tonight, we are going to a BB game. So, there's hope for even me.

 

So...Goodluck!

[whats wrong with me]

In all reality most people dont have friends (true friends). And I'm guessing but as for someone to rely on?...i'm sure many people have been in a situation where they needed someone to rely on and no one was there.

 

As for your trust issues, if you just want to go out and have a good time, try being friendly with people for that reason. You can have a "friend" without sharing your trust with them. If there is something you dont want someone to know or share dont tell them.

[whichwayisup]

Carys, it's time to consider going to talk to a therapist so you can sort out your trust issues. You need people in your life, you need to make friends and put yourself out there too.

 

You sound depressed too, so I can tell you talking to a therapist will make you feel better and you'll gain confidence too.

[Sassy84]

My Dad is in the Air Force so I moved at least every four years my whole life. Therefore, I have no friends to show the first 21 years of my life. I would like to believe that nothing is wrong with us (the people who find it hard to make friends), but it is hard to believe that sometimes. I know I have faults like everyone else, but why doesn't anybody but my sister and my boyfriend want to be around me? I don't trust many people, heck...I am in a sorority and still don't have any friends. I sometimes even think that my boyfriend doesn't want to be with me and that I don't deserve him. So, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Hang in there and try to find things you enjoy doing alone, or taking part in other activities that forces you to be around people. I have tried that, and it has been mildly successful for me. Keep your chin up.

[Guest]

For some reason, I don't have any friends either. I meet potential friends all the time. But I never found anyone within the last like 4 years of my life to actually call a "Female friend." I don't trust girls at all.

 

For example, I bring one girl around my boyfriend and within five minutes she starts touching his hair saying how she could do so much better than his aunt, blah blah, its so pretty ... harmless flirting, but it's like, "BITCH, get your own man and don't even think about it." Nevertheless, I never called her again to hang-out with us.

 

If your wondering why that bothered me:

 

Some black men have a complex about who braids their hair. In some cases the girl who braids their hair once every few weeks wants sex in return for doing his hair, or he may want to sleep with her just on ground principle. This is crazy listen: I know alot of men who pay salons or have family members braid it cuz of the sexual connection between women and men with long pretty hair. A man with his head right in front of a females crotch for hours at time while she runs her fingers through your hair can create a sexual tension. My own boyfriend told me this and Ive heard it over and over.........

 

That is why I have trust issues. Because not so much what I have seen, but the fears that friends will do you wrong...

 

I also had a bestfriend of 10 years who I havent hung out with in 4 years cuz she got a boyfriend and moved to the country with him. Its hard to trust....

[stephInDaDistrict]

For some reason, I dont have any friends either. I meet potential friends all the time. But I never found anyone within the last like 4 years of my life to actually call a "Female friend". I dont trust girls at all. For example, I bring one girl around my boyfriend and within five minutes she starts touching his hair saying how she could do so much better than his aunt, blah blah, its so pretty..... Harmless flirting, but its like BITCH get your own man and dont even think about it. Nevertheless, I never called her again to hang-out with us.

 

If your wondering why that bothered me:

 

Some black men have a complex about who braids their hair. In some cases the girl who braids their hair once every few weeks wants sex in return for doing his hair, or he may want to sleep with her just on ground principle. This is crazy listen: I know alot of men who pay salons or have family members braid it cuz of the sexual connection between women and men with long pretty hair. A man with his head right in front of a females crotch for hours at time while she runs her fingers through your hair can create a sexual tension. My own boyfriend told me this and Ive heard it over and over.........

 

That is why I have trust issues. Because not so much what I have seen, but the fears that friends will do you wrong...

 

I also had a bestfriend of 10 years who I havent hung out with in 4 years cuz she got a boyfriend and moved to the country with him. Its hard to trust....

[Guest]

Hey Guys,

 

Well, I'm another with no friends. I think my problem isn't so much trusting other people but I have issues with my past.

 

From grade 3 to grade 9 I had no friends and was teased and picked on all the time. My pencils would be broken every day. People made up rude jokes all the time. Everytime someone knew came to the class I said hello and they replied. By the end of the day they didn't want to know me because other people had told them things.

 

I made one friend in grade 10 and the group grew so by the time I left school I hung out with a group of about 10 people, but we didn't stay in contact afterwards.

 

When I first started working I had major problems (I had an inept ability at hiding them), things like if a few of my colleagues got together and were talking quietly, or I couldn't hear what they were saying. My mind immediately thought that it had something to do with me and I started going backwards over everything I'd done in my head, looking for something I may have done wrong that would explain their conversation.

 

Thankfully that has been minimized. That was four years ago. Now even if I hear my name in a conversation I'm more curious than worried.

 

In the last year I've improved my conversation skills very slightly, but not to a level I'm happy with. I'm at the stage where I can start an 'okay' conversation with colleagues, but a lot of the colleagues my age don't yet initiate conversations with me.

 

But I have another major problem in my conversation skills, due to not having any practice in my school years. My friends in the last few years, we didn't get into any in-depth chatting. If I want to change the topic then I'll wait until the absolute perfect time appears, which rarely happens.

 

My problem is that I have no idea what to say or do, and I end up analysing the best way to talk and usually never do.

 

What frustrates me is the two big successes I've had in recent months. An attractive girl started on front counter. She had a partner but that didn't bother me. We started off with awkward conversation (this is where I would escape if I can) and it got better until we were basically talking about everything and anything.

 

I didn't have any problems bringing up embarrasing things, we were both laughing constantly (I had a sore jaw at the end of the day), joking and hitting each other. The conversation went extremely smoothly. Even when she made fun of me, only once or twice a little voice in my head wondered if she was serious, but the voice was acknowleged and disappeared. It's the first time I've been 100% relaxed in a conversation with anyone.

 

This went on for about a week but then I decided I wanted to stay friends afterwards and it took me half an hour of cursing myself, gritting my teeth and opening and closing my mouth a few times before I finally managed to ask the question. God that was painful.

 

Then a few weeks back I decided to ask one of my female colleagues on a date which she declined but we ended up talking for close to an hour. And I was slightly relaxed here.

 

I find that I have a 'survival mechanism' in my brain. If I'm thrown in the deep end (forced into a conversation, say a new colleague), sometimes I can get to the surface, but not always. If I'm training someone I usually stutter and forget things, I think I put too much pressure on myself to get everything right.

 

 

Any suggestions on what I should do next to improve myself more?

 

Thanks

J

[Magnatolia]

Hi guys,

 

I have the same problem with making good friends. It's not a trust issue though but an issue with my past. From grade 3 to grade 9 I had no friends and was picked on and teased a lot. This shattered my confidence and self-esteem and gave me no opportunity to learn social skills.

 

When I first started work 4 years ago I was pretty bad. If a few of my colleages got together and started talking amongst themselves I would immediately go over everythinng I've done in my head to see if I've done something wrong that could explain the conversation.

 

Over the last year I've improved my conversation skills slightly but not to the level I want to achieve. I can start okay conversations but people my age generally don't initiate them by themselves. I've started sending personal emails to a couple of people I used to work with (I'm a relief officer so I usually spend a couple of months in different departments - I'm always meeting new people).

 

I'm getting into the habit of starting personal emails with people who I've had a good vibe with.

 

A couple of months ago an agency girl was hired for a week for front counter. I was training her and we ended up talking about everything and anything. We were laughing for the whole time. I've never felt that relaxed in a conversation in my entire life. It made me realise how much I love chatting, which makes my problem even worse. This went on for about a week. Then I spent half an hour trying to get the courage to ask her to be friends. I gritted my teeth, cursed myself. God it was painful.

 

Then there was a female colleague who I asked out and she declined, but we spent about an hour chatting. I was slightly nervous, but handled it.

 

I seem to have this survival mechanism in my head in that if Im thrown in the deep end, I can often get to the surface.

 

However, I still have conversation problems such as when a conversation is going and I want to change the topic I wait for the absolute perfect opportunity which usually never arrives so I keep it to myself.

 

When I was in school with no friends, people used to ask me to sit on a seat next to some girls because they knew the girls would get up. They then sent me on my way, with stupid me thinking that I might have been accepted by somebody. If somebody ever said hello to me, the first thing I thought was 'what do you want?' This I think has left me with the problem of assuming the worst, if I'm talking to somebody or in someone's vicinity I take the smallest things and take it to mean they don't like me, which is often bad.

 

There was this girl I work with who for some reason I can't explain I thought she didn't like me but now we have decent conversations.

 

A couple of weeks ago I was on a shopping tour in Melbourne and there was this girl in front of me who didn't pay me any attention for most of the day so I assumed she didn't think much of me but a few hours into the trip she said something about being tired, just out of the blue. Then when we got back on the bus, she was talking to some people about some shirt, I was listening to the convo but not really paying too much attention and then I heard her say 'it's for a friend of mine. You're a guy. What do you think? That wasn't her words but it was the general gist. We exchanged a couple of lines but I felt so foolish.

 

Does anyone have these sort of problems? Any suggestions on how I can improve myself?

 

Thanks

J

[catgirl1927]

I'm older and I have trouble making friends as well. I'm very shy, but very nice and polite. I'll make friends at work, but we never end up hanging out after work.

 

My boyfriend's friends all work in bars and hang out all the time, and his closest friends all have steady girlfriends, and I know he would like me to be friends with them. But even though they are really nice to me we just don't have anything in common. The only thing that would make us be friends is our association through my boyfriend, which is fine for parties but I don't have anyone that I hang out with on my own.

 

It really sucks because I never have "girl's night out", and if we eventually get married I won't get to have a bachelorette party. I've never even been to one, because I've never had a close network of girlfriends.

 

I would really like to know how to make friends. I mean, it's nice if you have a lot in common with people, but is it really necessary? It's hard for me to explain, but what I mean is, I suck at small talk and that sort of thing. It all comes from my childhood, but I'm so old that really those things shouldn't matter any more.

[luvtoto]

I can relate to everything you are all saying. I think it all boils down to trust issues from our childhood. A couple of years ago, a married couple reached out to me and showed interest in being my friend. The very first time I had someone to go to the bar with...BBQ parties at their house...shopping partner...I even had them come over to my house a couple times. The husband even stopped over at my house to fix my car once. They even tried to set me up with a guy they knew.

 

I was in heaven for awhile but then my insecurities flooded in. I found myself thinking why me?! What do they want from me?! They have lots of other friends...I don't understand what their interest in me is. I ended the friendship with both of them, because I couldn't get past my trust issues or feeling like I deserved what they had to offer. It just felt more comfortable to be without friends...at least I knew where I stood. If that makes ANY sense. Let me just say, I am still puzzled to this day why those two reached out to me sooo much. Hmmm....

[7on]

I don't have problems with friends... it's more trying to start romantic relationships. It's odd but friends are no problem. I can talk about anything and be completely comfortable. Though talking about relationships, marriage, sex, etc. can upset me. Not in the rage kinda way, I just draw back and don't comment. I've been trying to improve myself the same way I've done in the past by forcing myself to be able to handle those questions. More like I'm pretending to play a part where the character doesn't mind the conversation. Or pretend it's a conversation about vegetables or something.

 

Anyhoo, I think I remember why I've had this problem. In kindergarten I kinda remember telling this girl that I liked her and he laughed. I pretty much avoided women until 11th grade - then I took someone to prom, and this girl didn't even want to dance with me. She spent the whole time groping around this other guy she had a crush on. Oh well, Trying to fix myself.

 

I do have few friends that I'd hang out with. I'm the kind of guy after a hard day in class/work I just sorta veg out till sleep.

[RubixCube28]

Friends are over rated and just like most relashionships a compleate waist of time.. The only person you need is you belive me friends are usualy just along for the ride.. But when you need them there no were to be found.. I don't have any eather any more and I like it that way yeah I usta miss human contact.. But now my phone never rings and I love it.. Trust me its bliss get a dog or a cat there great companey and actualy.. Give uncondishional love with no strings attatched..

[luvtoto]

I don't have problems with friends... it's more trying to start romantic relationships. It's odd but friends are no problem. I can talk about anything and be completely comfortable. Though talking about relationships, marriage, sex, etc. can upset me. Not in the rage kinda way, I just draw back and don't comment. I've been trying to improve myself the same way I've done in the past by forcing myself to be able to handle those questions. More like I'm pretending to play a part where the character doesn't mind the conversation. Or pretend it's a conversation about vegetables or something.

 

Anyhoo, I think I remember why I've had this problem. In kindergarten I kinda remember telling this girl that I liked her and he laughed. I pretty much avoided women until 11th grade - then I took someone to prom, and this girl didn't even want to dance with me. She spent the whole time groping around this other guy she had a crush on. Oh well, Trying to fix myself.

 

I do have few friends that I'd hang out with. I'm the kind of guy after a hard day in class/work I just sorta veg out till sleep.

 

It's so unbelievable how one little incident that happened so long ago can have such a big impact on a person's life from that point forward. Unfortunately, it does though. I am the opposite as you, 7on...don't have problems having intimate conversations, but when it comes to just small talk, I usually draw back and just observe/listen. When I first meet people, I pretend that I don't have any problems with small talk...but, I soooon run out of things to say quickly!!! You would think...that a person that has trust issues like myself would not be able to be intimate...I would prefer to keep things at a 'small-talk' level.

[SmoochieFace]

I have never been good at *making friends* and at 37 I don't think I ever will have any... but it's okay.

 

I have my GF and I have my son. And, of course, I have myself.

 

I don't understand the *friends* thing and I never will. All I want is my GF, my son, my books movies and music, and a couple of bunnies hopping around and I'm cool.

[luvtoto]

I live in a small town and sometimes I think it's just who ya know and who wants to be seen with who. Honestly. Just a big game.

[MadameB]

Am 29, have a very much people orientated position at one of the most glamourous addresses in my city, everyone either wants to be there or work there (a very high end club). Travel all the time meeting Clients on a regular basis and do my job quite well and get compliments for it.

 

I am absoloutley weak at making friends ! I have spent Xmases and New Years alone as I have no friends that I want to spend it with, this has been for as long as I remember. I was a rather ugly, much too skinny and way too depressed teen that could not string a sentence together in company and spent most of my time alone listening to music, reading and crying really. I am SO glad that I am no longer anywhere between 14 - 17, no way I want to be that age again.

 

Bizarre and quite sad really. People assume I must be out all the time. Im not. Im in pyjamas and feeling sorry for myself as all I do is work all the hours god gives just to compensate for the fact that Im a sad, lonely git really (this has became apparent to me like a knock on the head with a drill over the last few weeks). I think Im too self obsessed and way tooo depressed. Affairs and relationships I have tend to almost always be with attached men or those who just do not want to "commit".

 

Well, theres always someone worse off eh? Am sure there must be a few out there sadder and sillier than I am.

[jerbear]

I have some pretty good friends from long time ago since junior high, high school, college, and even grad school.. It is the romantic ones that are hard.

 

I never really had trust issues; I just get hurt then brush it off and continue. I have learned that some are "friends" and some are friends. The "friends" are those who for some reaons are out for something, ie car buying; when you have money, everyone is your friend.

 

I guess for me, I was being myself, independent and wasn't after anything, anyone, or money. I had also had ideals (and ideas) which alot of my friends liked. One awhile back said I had some charisma.

 

Some action items i've done:

 

Being able to laugh at ones mistakes. I've made a mistake of breaking someone's computer account and having another friend fix it. They're now married.

 

Learn a few things about the person, their name, their accomplishments, bday, anniversary, likes, dislikes, colors, and alma mater. You get some people who are just wowed by that.

 

Here is a book suggestion, read "How to make friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie.

 

I remember using conversation pieces to strike up conversations. I also hate to eat alone which by chance I invited an aquaintance to lunch to chat and we ended up being friends. This is what I have done in the past. Heck I even got a ONS by hating to eat alone so I invited her to dinner. People like to talk and vent once in awhile.. I had a few friendships that were on a monthly basis where we chatted about anything and everything. During one conversation, I just looked at her and within 5 minutes I said something is wrong, bothering you, you look and sound pregnant. I was right.

 

Maybe it was me being personable by getting up and saying hi.

 

Don't be afraid to say hi and start a conversation Now when they show their fangs, eyes glow red; I think by that time we all know what the response should be... Strict NC and run!

[amerikajin]

Making friends means that you have to open up to people, which is understandably not always an easy thing to do. I'll also say that high school and the realm of 'teenagedom' is a pain in the ass. My advice is to stick it out and wait until you become an adult, because then people begin to take you less at face value and look for someone with more character in total.

 

I, too, have difficulty opening up to people. I'm always amiable; I'll smile and say hello to people around the office, and I'll even involve myself in some of the discussion, but I'm also the kind of guy who gets very comfortable around certain people and finds it hard to break away and find new friends. It takes me a long time to get a feel for someone - maybe too long. I have only recently even identified this in myself.

 

I'm definitely not the kind of person who is mister popularity. I'd rather have a few close friends than to be friends supericially with a gang of ten or twenty. I can't stand flakes. I can't stand people I don't trust or respect.

[luvtoto]

Making friends means that you have to open up to people, which is understandably not always an easy thing to do. I'll also say that high school and the realm of 'teenagedom' is a pain in the ass. My advice is to stick it out and wait until you become an adult, because then people begin to take you less at face value and look for someone with more character in total.

 

I, too, have difficulty opening up to people. I'm always amiable; I'll smile and say hello to people around the office, and I'll even involve myself in some of the discussion, but I'm also the kind of guy who gets very comfortable around certain people and finds it hard to break away and find new friends. It takes me a long time to get a feel for someone - maybe too long. I have only recently even identified this in myself.

 

I'm definitely not the kind of person who is mister popularity. I'd rather have a few close friends than to be friends supericially with a gang of ten or twenty. I can't stand flakes. I can't stand people I don't trust or respect.

 

I agree, amerikajin! I worked as a bartender for roughly 6 months last year. I used to be jealous of the "girls night out"..bar hopping kind of night. Never had girls night out myself...so I took the job to make friends. I witnessed alot of superficial people who was just using other people. Grass ain't always greener on the other side of the fence, that's for sure. These people had so many friends around them...but, they didn't seem any happier or satisfied than friendless-little-me. In fact, they seemed to have waaay more drama. I used to go home thinkin' I'm kinda glad I don't have friends like that.

[jerbear]

I used to go home thinkin' I'm kinda glad I don't have friends like that.

 

very true... I don't hang out at the bar; granted politics is not much better.

[lc45]

You need to seriously boost up your self-confidence. People don't want to start friendships with ones who give off an 'i dont trust people' vibe. You need to open up a little and let others in to see the real you, whom I'm sure they would see great friend qualities in. We all get hurt in our lives when the ones we trust fail us, but its worth the heartbreak when you've made some truly awesome friends who ARE trustworthy.

 

so how do you boost ur confidence? you start talking to people! this sounds scary but think about it: i bet a lot of times you wish people would come to YOU and strike up a conversation and be friendly, right? Well a lot of people feel shy the way you do and are waiting for friends to flock to them! But things don't always work that way, so take some initiative and you might be surprised in yourself. to make friends, you must be yourself and be approachable.

 

you're only 17, friends will come and go, its not like there's no hope for you girl! and remember, you don't need to be miss popularity to be truly happy. as long as u can count the number of TRUE friends on one hand, then ur set for life.

[luvtoto]

very true... I don't hang out at the bar; granted politics is not much better.

 

Bar stool politics even worse!

[luvtoto]

You need to seriously boost up your self-confidence. People don't want to start friendships with ones who give off an 'i dont trust people' vibe. You need to open up a little and let others in to see the real you, whom I'm sure they would see great friend qualities in. We all get hurt in our lives when the ones we trust fail us, but its worth the heartbreak when you've made some truly awesome friends who ARE trustworthy.

 

so how do you boost ur confidence? you start talking to people! this sounds scary but think about it: i bet a lot of times you wish people would come to YOU and strike up a conversation and be friendly, right? Well a lot of people feel shy the way you do and are waiting for friends to flock to them! But things don't always work that way, so take some initiative and you might be surprised in yourself. to make friends, you must be yourself and be approachable.

 

you're only 17, friends will come and go, its not like there's no hope for you girl! and remember, you don't need to be miss popularity to be truly happy. as long as u can count the number of TRUE friends on one hand, then ur set for life.

 

I know this post was geered towards the OP, but may I comment? Once I was told by an XBF that if I just be myself around people that I would have more friends. I make attempts everyday to be a little more friendlier...a little more interested in others lives instead of my own. But, it never gets me longterm friendships...just acqaintences. How does a person turn acquaintences into 'let's go do something together' friends? I have only one of those kind of friends that I trust.