i don't want to be her friend. what to say?

[kanga]

Over the holiday, a really good friend and I caught up with a gal who we were once friends with in high school (about 10 years ago).

 

She was depressed in high school and then we all lost touch. About two months ago, she contacted me (found my work phone number on google) and I obliged in making plans with her. My friend and I thought she would be beyond her depression and related issues by now. But after spending the whole day with her, she started sharing about how she's been diagnosed with bipolar depression, her job issues, her guy issues, etc.

 

It was kind of a killjoy.

 

So she wants my IM name now. And she has been calling my cell at least twice a day. She's left two messages. I haven't returned them.

 

I know ignoring her is the wrong thing to do. Especially now that I see she is taking my noncommunication as a hint. But I really, really, really don't want to rekindle our friendship. I feel like a horrible person for saying this -- But I don't want to be a support for her. I live in another state now. I have my own life and friends who much closer whom I have to care about.

 

I know it's not wrong of me to not want to be a part of her life right now. I just don't know how to tell her this.

 

What can I say? Is it OK to just send her an email? Or do I owe her a phone call?

[JayKay]

That's really tough. I had a similar situation with an ex college room-mate.

 

She was always depressed and always obsessing about one guy or another. The guy would always do her wrong, somehow, and then she'd do nothing but harp on it and harp on it.

Of course, she'd dump all her issues on me. It was exhausting to be around her and as I got older I got tired of dealing with it. I stopped returning her calls and would always be 'busy' when she wanted to get together once we were no longer roommates.

 

I think it was about 5 years down the road when she contacted me wanting to get together again. I thought she might have changed and welcomed the chance to visit and catch up but......ugh....after 30 minutes with her I realized she was exactly the same.

 

SHe called me several times after that and I never returned the calls.

 

I guess avoidance is not the most mature way to handle things. but it's awfully hard to break up with a friend.

 

If you do feel like you want to talk to her, maybe call and say as tactfully as you can, "Sweetie, you need to get treatment for your depression. I realize it's a very serious illness and I hope you do better once you're working with a good therapist. You need the support of trained professionals and perhaps a support group for people with your issues. My life is so busy with work and other committments I don't think I'd be a good support person for you."

 

I felt terrible about it too.

[justagirliegirl]

I agree with what JayKay says. Sometimes you just have to tell them and give them a little hint as to why.

[Jadey]

t's true, you just have to be totally honest here. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind i'm afraid!

[kanga]

yes, you are all right. JayKay, thanks for the story.

 

she hasn't called today. ugh. so difficult.

[Bunnylove]

That is a tricky situation. I had a similar thing happen..met up with freind hadnt seen in years and started to hang out again. However she was more depressed when I first met her but she was back on her feet this last time. Unfortunetly I can't blame getting annoyed at her for a mental illness. She was just...annoying!!!...She would tell us the most unfunny things and then laugh hysterically at herself with loud horrid gasping noises. The things she would talk about were not interesting to listen to. She seemed at least 10 years younger than me and my current freinds. I guess she just didnt fit in with what me and my mates were lookig for in a freind. We just didnt 'get' eachother anymore.

 

So she began sending txt's and call and come in for us. It was painfull spending time with her and we felt awfull. We wanted to get on with her but the chemistry or whatever wasnt right. But she was still clearly a nice girl and we didnt want to hurt her feelings. We did the awfull move of just ignoring her calls etc. Eventually she got the message and I havent seen her since. Wish her all the best though.

 

Funny I'm talking about this 'cause I JUST fell out with my best freind this eveing. We were very close until she got a boyfreind. Its all changed now and we tryed to sort things out. But I'm too angry at her for many things and I have been wondering lately if she can be trusted. Thats not good. We tried to talk it out but she asked me to leave so I did. Its weird and upsetting but at least were had the respect to be honest with eachother.

 

People sometimes say that boyfreinds come and go but your mates will always be there. Sometimes I find I go through just as many freinds as boyfreinds. They are relationships too after all. And if its just not working and you cant fix it, then you have to say goodbye.