Help! Am I in love with my friend?

[kjryan]

I'm really stuck here-and I spent my Christmas extremely confused about my situation! I'm engaged to the most romantic guy in the world at the moment and I have no doubts that I want to marry him one day. The only problem is he's living out of town at the moment and won't be able to be here with me until sometime next year!

 

Here's where it gets messy-I think I'm in love with my guy friend! 'Steve' and I used to work together in the same department. He was started the day before I did and when we first met, we actually weren't too fond of each other. He later told me he was jealous b/c I was so good at my job and he wanted to compete with me! It took a while before I wanted to have a civil conversation with him, and that's when things took off! We both realized how great we got along with each other. From then on, we'd spend our breaks and lunches together, even spending time together after work. He wanted to spend more time with me but I told him I had to back off before I got too close. Too late-I really liked this guy!

 

One day on the phone, I blurted out to him how I felt. I couldn't take it anymore, I was so confused! He said he knew how I felt and that he felt the same way but I was planning to get married someday and this wasn't fair to my fiance. Needless to say, I was touched when he said that, but it didn't make things any easier! He asked me what our next step should be, but all I could say was I would keep things professional between us. We left it at that, but there were plenty of silences between us after that.

 

At this time, my fiance and I decided to take a break in our relationship. Long-distance relationships are very hard to deal with at times, and we felt we'd reached one of those difficult moments. I told Steve about this, and he was immediately more eager to spend more time with me. I told him I needed my space since it was a tough time for me. He did offer his support and said he would be there whenever I needed him.

 

There were a couple of weeks after that when we stopped talking and I was miserable. He had made some comments about a fellow co-worker and I got jealous, so I backed off. People at work then started talking, saying we were having a lovers' quarrel! Apparently he hurt himself at work during that time and had to take time off. I called him during that time and told him I missed him and he said he missed me too. I knew he was as happy to hear from me as I was from him. It was his birthday when he returned to work and he was really surprised that I had gotten him a present! He gave a me big hug when I gave it to him. I hadn't expected him to be so moved by it all. People would say we'd make a great couple, we had such great chemistry.

 

About a month after that, I left that job for a better job opportunity. By then, things were better between my fiance and I. After my last day, Steve took me out for a drink and told me how much he was gonna miss my presence and sense of humor. We both agreed to stay in touch. I could tell he was sad to see me go, and before we went our own ways, he gave me the biggest hug I've ever gotten from anyone! He had trouble letting go so I turned and gave a him a big kiss on the cheek.

 

I saw him again later that month, and he said he'd rather stay friends. He also said he only thought of asking me to be more than a friend, that one time I told him on the phone that I liked him. After that, it seemed like friends was all we'd ever be, but at the point I wanted more despite my personal situation!

 

Aside from a couple of calls, I didn't see him again until before Christmas, when he called wanting to see me. We got together and he was very happy to see-happier than I was to see him! He took one look at me and said I looked great, something he had never said before. It was different this time. I didn't have much to say since the past couple of months were hard on me and I was just so happy to see him! There were a few silences during our conversation, and he spent those silences just smiling at me! I realized at that moment that not only did I miss spending time with him, but I really did have intense feelings for this guy! It also scared me! We spent the rest of our time together walking around town and before we left to go home, I gave him another kiss on the cheek. He looked so happy, he gave me another great big bear hug.

 

I've had a couple of days to think, and I truly believe I'm in love with 2 guys! Is it because my fiance is out of town and Steve is here? Should I avoid him for awhile? This is so hard since he said just wants to be friends!

[Greg25]

The danger I see with this situation, like many 'love triangles', is that it is going to end in tragedy. What is your fiance going to say or feel when he finds out your heart seems to be with another guy? I and an ex-g/f had a similar situation (she fell in love with another bloke she worked with back home, it was an LDR) and the result was it destroyed both our relationship and our friendship. I considered her giving her heart to another man while in a relationship with me to be cheating, and your fiance may feel the same way.

 

Your fiance is going to notice this sooner or later, so I think it is best to be honest and tell him you have feelings for someone else. If you can't maintain the engagement, it might be better to break it off and let both of you persue your own different lives so you end up with who you really want to be with.

[amerikajin]

I don't think your story has a happy ending. You must pick one or the other, but you can't have both. You can do your part to make sure this story has an honorable ending but I'm afraid someone's going to get hurt here.

 

Is your fiancee's only problem that he lives far away? Frankly, that's lame. Marriage tests couples in all kinds of ways. I know people who've had to live apart at times and they don't divorce. If you're not committed to him, then you're not committed to him and that's the end of the story, pretty much. You may still be good together as boyfriend and girlfriend but I'd be very careful about the engagement part...this is not a good sign.

 

I think you are attracted to your friend. I also think that you are attracted to the fact that your friend is more available right now than your fiancee, and he can reciprocate your intimacy. But you may well find that things change between your friend and you once things heat up. You at least have a history with your fiancee. It would be one thing if you weren't attracted at all to your fiancee and things were just fizzling out, but you don't seem to be saying that. Personally, I'd wait until he moves.

 

Is your fiancee committed to moving? If he's just dithering back and forth, I could see where the frustration comes from, but if he's got a certain moving time, just let it happen, I say. Having said that, you might want to talk to your fiancee and see if there are ways you can improve the chemistry between you two. More daily contact, or things you can do to spruce up your dating life when you meet.

 

I do know what you mean about long distance relationships, though. I did one, but I'll never do another one again unless I'm married - and that would only be a short-term thing, such as occasional extended business travel or something along those lines. Maybe this is too much for you? Too much time apart? Too much uncertainty? Reality check time.

[kjryan]

Thanks for the replies. It might sound lame that my problem might be my fiance living far away but the truth is the day he was supposed to move here, he suffered a mild stroke as he was getting ready to go to the airport! For most of his life, he's had the worse luck imaginable! He has to do physio to regain full movement of his left side and the hardest part of all (besides him not being here) was sticking by him through all of this. He's not even 30 and he had a stroke-with the worst possible timing ever! I've been his pillar of strength ever since this happened but I feel I'm running of out strength now. It's just been so draining! I couldn't even be at his side when this happened b/c I had started a new job and the people there couldn't seem to care less what happened in my personal life. Then it seemed to get worse-I get a call from my guy friend wanting to see me before Christmas and the whole thing only makes me more confused about my feelings.

 

I know I love my fiance dearly-I wouldn't have accepted his proposal if I wasn't 110% sure of it. But he told me he won't be able to come live here until he gets the green light from his doctors and probably won't be sometime until this summer at least! That seems like a long time to wait and with all the stress I've been put through, I feel it's a lot to ask even if we are in love. Sure, people say if I truly love him, I'll wait but you really have to put yourself in my shoes to see how hard it really is especially after something traumatic like this happens.

 

His lifestyle before the stroke wasn't the greatest and I was begging him to change his ways. All he'd say was "Don't worry, I'll be fine!" and look what it took for him to finally wake up! I told him before that I was in love with him and not the vices he loved as much as me- drugs, smoking, etc. I even told him to watch out b/c it could all come back and bite him in the you-know-what---and look what happened!

 

Meeting 'Steve' again before Christmas was like a breath of fresh air that I so badly needed. At the same time, I believe you guys-it's a collision course I should avoid. I've talked things over with my fiancee and he said he understood that I needed some down time. Last night he said if it made me happier to see someone else than maybe that was best too. He said all he wants is for me to be happy. I just want him to get better so he can finally get here but obviously that will take time-it's not something you wanna rush.

[amerikajin]

Wow! That was a mouthful.

 

Well, I think I can understand why you feel the way you do. I take it your fiancee was engaged in self-destructive behavior beforehand, and he ended up destroying himself (or at least partially so).

 

I think you love your fiancee but you are no longer enthused about the idea of a permanent relationship with him. The reality is, you're not yet married and your not yet obligated to stay with him, so a part of you is seriously thinking about cutting your losses. That might look bad and it might even make you feel guilty, but as politically incorrect as it is I think that this is a perfectly natural feeling. The fact is nobody wants to enter a marriage as a mommy or daddy unless that's the kind of relationship they've been seeking out from the start. Some people actually do - for whatever reason - like playing some sort of parental role. I take it you don't. Fair enough.

 

Enter Steve. He's probably more attractive than someone who's impaired. He's obviously got a personality that's compatible with yours. And what's more, he's available. So Steve's got your man beat in three ways.

 

Basically, what it gets down to is this:

 

If you pick your fiancee, you're going to feel 'good' about yourself but you're probably going to fill very, very unfulfilled.

 

If you pick Steve, you're going to feel like you've made the right choice, but you're going to feel an anvil of guilt dropping on your head.

 

I'm glad I don't have to make that choice.

[kjryan]

There's another problem here-Steve has already said he wants to be friends and only friends! No matter what chemistry I have with him, that's what the most glaringly obvious to me. I don't think there's a chance of Steve and I being anything more than that. It's ironic though-when we're together in person, my fiance and I are just a regular couple to everyone but when I'm with Steve, people (complete strangers) smile at the two of us and we've been told we'd make a great couple! This is so hard! In reality, I can't seem to have either one right now-my fiancee or Steve! How do you tell someone who just wants to be friends that you want something more? I guess the main question is should I even tell Steve how I feel?

[amerikajin]

How do you tell someone who just wants to be friends that you want something more?

 

Actions speak louder than words. You say he's hugging you like there's no tomorrow, so I'd say that's a pretty good sign.

 

I think Steve's afraid of getting hurt by dating someone who's just coming off of a break-up. Steve's heart wants you but his head is telling him 'no, she's with this other guy and even if she breaks up with him, I might be just a rebound.'

 

I don't know if there's anything you can say to convince him that you're for real, but there is something you must do, and that's breaking up with your fiancee. There are no guarantees that Steve will accept you even if you break up with your fiancee but, logically, that's the first step you have to take. I think that's the only way you will ever possibly convince Steve that you are serious about him.

 

The tough part is, that's a difficult first step to take. It means giving up a relatively sure thing in your fiancee, and it means hurting someone you care about, even though you've probably lost romantic feelings for him.

 

Forget Steve for a moment and think about one thing very hard: you have to decide is whether you want a relationship with your fiancee. If you do, then Steve's irrelevant. If you don't, then you're just going to have to break the news to him as gently as you can - and the sooner, the better.

 

But you have to pick one here. You can't have one guy as a plan A and the other as a plan B. That's what you're doing right now, and Steve sees that. I'm assuming your fiancee doesn't know about Steve, but I think he knows there's someone else on your mind. The longer you carry on with your indecision, the more likely it is that this is not going to end so honorably.

 

I guess the main question is should I even tell Steve how I feel?

 

Tell him only after you've made a decision about your fiancee and actually broken up with him. He won't believe you otherwise.