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Not sure how to handle this ......


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 27th January 2018, 7:28 AM   #1
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Not sure how to handle this ......

I have been in good friendship with a man for a while, basically we exchange books and professional conversations. I know he has some feelings for me, but not strong not clear, since he already has a gf , that girl is very beautiful. so I feel very safe staying as a friend, cos I m elder and not as beautiful as her.

when he gets to know more about me, he feels more and tries to get into a male-female thing with me a few times, I stopped that, don't want to get into a mud.
recently , actually during the Christmas eve, he told me he had some very intimate thought in dream about me, which means sexual stuff, also asked me if wanted to see his new picture showing his muscles bla bla.....he is a very mature and intelligent man, got two Master degrees, it is a shock he is talking such way.
two days later, he apologized , but I didn't want to talk to him anymore.
I feel hurt.

after new year, he told me that he hadn't told any other women in that way, and he didn't mean anything dirty, his feeling is pure romantic towards me.
and he hasn't had sex with his gf for over one year. he already wants to dump that girl, but since for 5 years she has been staying by his side, he can't cut off too quickly. he doesn't love her anymore but still care her as a sister. the reason he doesn't love her anymore cos they have different goal for their life and future. I ask why, he says his goal is his work and the girl is total goal is about serving him.

I don't know his words r true or not. I just don't know how to handle this situation.

I don't feel romantically with him , and I told him he shouldn't say those stuff to me when a woman not in that same mood, that day he back to apologize but also attacked me with something, like.. it was my fault to not accept his romantic/sexual feeling, I was rude to refuse his feeling etc.
I don't understand why it was my fault??

he has been very helpful in profession.
he is working on a project which I m going to be on that direction, too.
if I stop this friendship, I need to seek a new one to be helpful in profession.....(not easy.)
but if I stay in this friendship, it is confused and not easy, either .

..................
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Old 27th January 2018, 8:00 AM   #2
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No unit it's not your fault his just twisting things up and around to get himself off the hook and cover his ass at work.

lt doesn't sound like you did anything at all to lead him on either or to invite anything romantically or sexual advances.
Don't listen to that garbage.
l don't believe his bs about the gf either ,some people make that crap up as an excuse to chase someone else or get a bit on the side.

Not sure how to save the professional side of things or what to do there, Hopefully someone will have some idea.

Good luck.
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Old 27th January 2018, 9:31 AM   #3
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He was the rude one

Telling a female colleague that you would like to pursue a romance with her is not a bad thing in & of itself. It happens. Making a pass at her when you have a GF paints him as a cad. When you said that you did not want a romance with him, he was rude for continuing to press the issue & offering you sexy photos.

Now you have to put some distance in here. Be polite but cool & professional around him. Nothing more.

I have a colleague I have known for 25 years. We lost touch & hadn't seen each other for a while. Last year my husband & I attended a Christmas party in his home. My friend, the host, was very drunk & extremely inappropriate with all of his female guests. At one point, I assured him that if he touched me one more time, I'd break his hands. He apologized & stopped. After Christmas, he sincerely apologized. The reason I didn't react more harshly at the party was I new this was only his 2nd Christmas after his divorce & he was missing his kids. His behavior at the party was out of character. My husband only has that impression of him & therefore thinks very poorly of the guy.

You need to draw & enforce your own boundaries especially if the guy is a colleague you will have to deal with.
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Old 27th January 2018, 1:40 PM   #4
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You need to get out of this. The way he has come on to you is the classic way to do it when you're already in a relationship and looking to cheat and have sex on the side. They ALWAYS say they don't love their partner anymore (true, never did most likely) and always cast blame their way (No sex anymore or they're crazy or weak or sick) and so they can't leave them. They don't WANT to leave them. They want to have two or more women to have sex with. So don't fall for his cheating crap.

You need to stop using him professionally and be a big girl and get OUT of this relationship now. He's mad now and he's not going to do anything else for you because you won't sleep with him, so it's over. He leveraged his position to sleep with you. When it didn't happen so easy because you were making false assumptions about what a nice ethical guy he was, he tried to appeal to your sympathy, not realizing, I guess, that not many women's sympathy kicks in simply because they say they're not getting any at home. Not your problem. And probably not at all true either.

Cut it off with him. In the end this is going to hurt you, not help you. Get out and get out now. If he gets nasty, tell him to shut it or you'll spew about him trying to leverage his position to get you to have sex.
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Old 27th January 2018, 9:51 PM   #5
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You need to get out of this. The way he has come on to you is the classic way to do it when you're already in a relationship and looking to cheat and have sex on the side. They ALWAYS say they don't love their partner anymore (true, never did most likely) and always cast blame their way (No sex anymore or they're crazy or weak or sick) and so they can't leave them. They don't WANT to leave them. They want to have two or more women to have sex with. So don't fall for his cheating crap.

.
Why does man do that?
it makes me look down man more.....I already had an issue with most males....
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Old 28th January 2018, 5:30 AM   #6
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He was the rude one


I have a colleague I have known for 25 years. We lost touch & hadn't seen each other for a while. Last year my husband & I attended a Christmas party in his home. My friend, the host, was very drunk & extremely inappropriate with all of his female guests. At one point, I assured him that if he touched me one more time, I'd break his hands. He apologized & stopped. After Christmas, he sincerely apologized. The reason I didn't react more harshly at the party was I new this was only his 2nd Christmas after his divorce & he was missing his kids. His behavior at the party was out of character. My husband only has that impression of him & therefore thinks very poorly of the guy.
I hope one day I can do the same as u did, no problem did to a stranger, but to a friend who has been so familiar, I tend to be to kind and nice to a friend , I only have a few, and I see them like family......
and thus they sometimes use my weakness....

actually today I met another thing with another new guy , not friend yet, but talked a lot on some topics, he already caught my weakness....I feel so many men r so smart, ...although this man is very much elder and he is a coach, I guess he knows about women .

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Old 28th January 2018, 6:17 AM   #7
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hey unit....weakness can be your strength be kind to him when you tell him goodbye and end the friendship because it is not a true friendship he has a gf who he is unfaithful to by crossing boundaries with you.....end the "friendship" for her....if not yourself....he deserves no loyalty from you because he is quite disloyal....no matter how many years you have been friends ..its over now....



he actually hasnt been helpful to you in a professional way because he acts very unprofessional..he treats you with disrespect.....

men are definitely smart as you have stated ..for sure.... but...women are smarter.....that's fact....

listen to this belafonte has it right


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JPKZefbYG4


if you have issues with men dont look to men to mentor you .....find a sister in your profession.....these days its not only men in top positions or who are able to teach and instruct and guide........women fit the bill just as well.........why do you have issues with men?...deb
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Old 28th January 2018, 8:58 AM   #8
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hey unit....weakness can be your strength be kind to him when you tell him goodbye and end the friendship because it is not a true friendship he has a gf who he is unfaithful to by crossing boundaries with you.....end the "friendship" for her....if not yourself....he deserves no loyalty from you because he is quite disloyal....no matter how many years you have been friends ..its over now....



he actually hasnt been helpful to you in a professional way because he acts very unprofessional..he treats you with disrespect.....

men are definitely smart as you have stated ..for sure.... but...women are smarter.....that's fact....

listen to this belafonte has it right


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JPKZefbYG4


if you have issues with men dont look to men to mentor you .....find a sister in your profession.....these days its not only men in top positions or who are able to teach and instruct and guide........women fit the bill just as well.........why do you have issues with men?...deb
oh God, I love this music! , haha....
thank u so much , sister.

why do I have issues with men?
I joined this site and read lots threads, I feel maybe it comes from my previous failed relationships, then now I feel it still rooted in childhood, then I feel it also rooted in karma......its so complicated.
I searched the threads here on "abuse, abusive , ..."etc, but people don't go deeper with that topic yet.
I used to fall in love with a man pretty fast actually, I was passionate girl when younger.
but now Its weird I m totally changed.
if its not for work reason, I can't/won't really make friends with that man/most men for the beginning, later we become closer friends, that is later.......then I see him slowly as brother etc.

but I m still on the dating pool, it means deep down I still need a mate, right?
but I need to know why I m this odd awful way.....
men r so alien to me.
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Old 28th January 2018, 1:41 PM   #9
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There are exceptions, but for the most part, men are not all that interested in just being friends with a woman. So you can kind of assume they're hoping for more. In this case, he's really trying to use his position in an unethical way and I'm sure other men and women in the company or wherever you are are also aware of it, and that is why you should visibly distance yourself. Otherwise, they'll think you're going along.
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Old 28th January 2018, 10:11 PM   #10
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There are exceptions, but for the most part, men are not all that interested in just being friends with a woman. So you can kind of assume they're hoping for more. In this case, he's really trying to use his position in an unethical way and I'm sure other men and women in the company or wherever you are are also aware of it, and that is why you should visibly distance yourself. Otherwise, they'll think you're going along.
I see.....thank u
I also feel so hard to find a real friendship with men.
but I know a girl who successfully being friends with several men, she is a wild gorgeous woman, every man will feel her very sexy, I wonder how she made it?
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Old 28th January 2018, 10:35 PM   #11
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A professional doesn't cross those boundaries.

He obviously has a character flaw.

Keep him at a civil professional distance but be prepared for fallout.

He's the type who will not take rejection well so be on your guard
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Old 29th January 2018, 2:30 AM   #12
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A professional doesn't cross those boundaries.

He obviously has a character flaw.

Keep him at a civil professional distance but be prepared for fallout.

He's the type who will not take rejection well so be on your guard
yes, he has a character flaw.
I discussed this with him days ago he admitted but I doubt he would ever change .
his profession is physics, and another, he is really good at his own field.
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