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Male/Female Friendship Oddness


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 19th October 2017, 12:10 AM   #1
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Male/Female Friendship Oddness

I have been friends with JC a woman, for 5 yrs. We are 10 yrs apart in age. We get together 4/5 times a yr.

So we are supposed to get together soon. She wrote me this.

" Hey Mysterio. I've been thinking it over. I think I'd be more confrotable if you met my new BF-D prior to our doing a dinner ( out of respect with for him). Plus I think it would be cool if h could come along for the dinner too. I might plan a group thing so everyone can meet".


So in my mind. I don't get why she would say this to me in a txt. I am not a ex or even a romantic prospect. On my end. I would not be relaying any type of thing like that to her. If I have a GF. Eventually she will meet my friends if we last beyond 6 months.

Am I missing something here. Its not like JC and I are on a regular daily/weekly monthly basis.

Is there a big differnce between Men and Women as frineds, as opposed to Sam e Sex friends when meeting their new BF/GF.
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Old 19th October 2017, 1:33 AM   #2
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Is there a big differnce between Men and Women as frineds, as opposed to Sam e Sex friends when meeting their new BF/GF.
Yeah, a lot of people have really strong opinions about having/keeping opposite sex friends while being in a committed relationship. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with having opposite sex friends, but there are boundaries that should be kept out of respect for your partner.

Would you not find it a little uncomfortable for a new girlfriend of yours to go out alone with a guy you don't know? She's just trying to keep everything on the up and up.

I mean, she even told you that it's just out of respect for him. What do you find confusing about that? (Serious question, not sarcasm.)
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Old 19th October 2017, 3:16 AM   #3
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My thing with JC is that I should be more on par with her female friends. If I was a female. I don't think she would have sent me this style of txt.

I could see if we had a dating thing or have been intimate with her. Its never been that. All we do is go for Dinner at a local cafe for the most part. 5 Times a yr. No Movies or lat nights out.

I just thought it was odd. I could maybe see if we were new friends to each other. Then it would be something.

If I get a GF. I will go through my list and there are. DD who is my x. AG lives in the states. AM lives in Australia. DS in town. JC herself in town. SO in town.

I guess the dynamics with Men/Women will always be at play. If she needed to move. I and her other male friends would help her. Not the female friends.
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Old 19th October 2017, 3:22 AM   #4
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Once again. If I was new to her life. Then I guess so. 5 yrs in. I just don't see how the BF would be unerved by her and I going out for our usual dinner 4 times a year would rattle him.

When I have a GF. I can't see her getting edgy if I go out with one of my female friends.

Bottom line is that male/female friends I guess can't be on par with same sex friends.

Last edited by Mysterio; 19th October 2017 at 3:25 AM..
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Old 19th October 2017, 10:11 AM   #5
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I completely understand it.

It doesn't matter how long you've been her friend. Opposite sex friendships change when you are involved in a relationship.

I am 57, I have a friend, female, I've known for over 30 years. We lived in the same apt. complex when we were in our 20's. We've never dated, never had sex, and never even kissed. A tight hug is about it. We used to hang out quite a lot, then I got married, and it died off and we lost touch for a while. Then i got divorced and about 5 years ago, we reconnected (ain't social media grand) . Again, as friends, never anything sexual.

Now that I am seriously involved again, the relationship is going back to occasional communication, mostly on social media, and I made it a point to let my GF know about this friend in particular. Why? Because this friend is female, my others are male. This make her different and stand out. And I know there would be questions about it.

They haven't met yet, but, neither have I seen my friend in about a year. And I won't go see or visit her alone. She understands this. She had extended invitations to me, and always says to bring my girlfriend along. So far, just due to timing, we've declined.

As your friend said, you do this out of respect for your BF/GF. Especially if things are serious. I tell my GF pretty much everything I do, including if I go visit a friend. We talk every day. It would seem very wrong to me not to include introducing her to my opposite sex friend.
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Old 19th October 2017, 1:35 PM   #6
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I am not going to fight her wishes. I just found it odd. I won't be doing that. My GF when it happens will meet my female friends like my male friends. No heavy preperation.

Last edited by Mysterio; 19th October 2017 at 1:45 PM..
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Old 19th October 2017, 1:49 PM   #7
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I dont' get where you are seeing heavy preparation though. She's just asking to make a slight adjustment to the plans. To include another person or two.

If one of your male friends asked if another could join an outing, would that bother you as much? OR would you question it?
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Old 2nd November 2017, 2:51 AM   #8
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I don't like the following wording in the TXT. I have been thinking it over. That irks me. There is nothing to think about. All JC should be stating to me is that she wants me to meet her new BF. Cut and dry thats it.

I would be more Comfortable What does comfort have to do with anything. I am a friend. Not a romantic prospect. By implying comfort, she is stating to me that for some reason. Doing our usual dinner thing is somehow not comfortable to her, since she has a new BF. I don't think it should matter. Most people have some opposite sex friends.

Out of respect for my BF How could us going out for our usual dinner thing, which is low key anyways, dis-respectful.

I am going to talk to her about this. Me meeting her new BF should not be this intensive. It should be chill.

What should have been written is this. Hy Mysterio. I would like you to meet my new BF. What time works for you. Once again. I should be on par with her Female friends. She is on par with my male friends. If I have a GF. There is no TXT or message to JC of any major changes. She may meet her in the next 6 month to yr. When I introduce my GF to my friends when I have a GF that is steady. She is meeting all of them and there will be no special prep for any of them.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 12:25 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by Mysterio View Post
I am going to talk to her about this. Me meeting her new BF should not be this intensive. It should be chill.
I think you're the only one making this such a big deal. You're taking this way too personally. It's not about you, it's simply about her introducing her friends to her new boyfriend. Nothing about her text should be offensive to you.

I think it would be a mistake to talk to her about this.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 12:40 AM   #10
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Its just her attempt to show him that shes being transparent with him about her relationship with you (and potentially other men). It doesnt really have anything to do with you, but calming his nerves about her male friends.

And hell be incredibly naive to believe this show means anything at all. Especially that she wont cheat.

Shes playing both of you.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 12:50 AM   #11
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And hell be incredibly naive to believe this show means anything at all. Especially that she wont cheat.
What makes you think she would cheat?
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Old 3rd November 2017, 12:56 AM   #12
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What makes you think she would cheat?
Im saying Mysterio showing up with her man present is not proof that she will or she wont. Its not proof of anything. But, its being portrayed to her man that way.

Shes using Mysterio to establish credibility with her man.

When this meeting will really mean nothing and is no predictor of what she will or will not do with another man.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 1:32 AM   #13
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Me meeting her new BF should not be this intensive. It should be chill.
Then act like it is chill, and let it go.

Your relationship dynamic is clearly different from theirs. She may not be comfortable with him meeting female friends for dinner either, so they had to find a compromise that works for them.

I really don't think this is a reflection on you or your friendship. It is more of a reflection of them and their relationship. If you would rather stay out of it, then cancel dinner. I would just advise you against calling her out about her message. I suspect the message was for his eyes more than yours.

This is just one of the many challenges of opposite sex friendships that most of us will come across in our lives. Try not to hold it against her.
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Old 4th November 2017, 5:09 AM   #14
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I guess the wording if I would be more comfortable irks me. Its like there is some sort of hiearchy in that wording. Like JC has to prep her new BF about me.

We were sort of setting things up before. Then she threw this out at me. I have no problem with meeting him. I just don't like the operatic production in the txt. It should have been I want you to meet my new BF thats it. No -I have been Thinking it over/I would be more comfortable/Out of Respect for my BF.

Something about it irks me. I guess I am hypersnsitive about this lately. Its not a jelousy thing on my part. Its a why make this into a big production. Just be simplistic. Once again. When I have a GF. I am not making it a big deal to my female friends.

JC has another male friend that is actually her Ex dating partner. So I think the txt to me is way more applicable to him than me.

Maybe I should just chill. Its not like her and I are together all the time.
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Old 4th November 2017, 7:56 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by MidKnightDreams View Post
It’s just her attempt to show him that she’s being transparent with him about her relationship with you (and potentially other men). It doesn’t really have anything to do with you, but calming his nerves about her male friends.
This is correct, remember that there is a whole conversation you are not privy to.. that is the conversation of her and her BF.

This is not about you but about them.
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