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How do you deal with a friend that disappears with a new relationship?

Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 10th August 2017, 2:57 PM   #16
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I agree with Bastile and Donnivain. I guess we've all had it happen. I had a friend who was so close that we were roommates at different places in our early 20s and just did a lot of exploring together and, and I never saw it coming until it happened. First she dated a guy and he was overly jealous and I thought she was doing the right thing getting away from him, and thought it was over. Then on NY Eve she and I were planning on doing something together, and he showed up out of the blue and literally carried her out of the house and took her with him and she just went along with it like an idiot. Then a couple years after that she had kids with a guy who was an alcoholic possessive idiot who immediately began isolating her by being ugly to her friends or causing trouble if she went and did anything not with him -- and that was it. Never saw her again.

Another friend who I wasn't as close to but I was kind of a big sister to disappeared on everyone when she moved in with a guy and then showed up in a panic when it turned violent between them (her too) after all they did was sit around and get high together holed up. So I advised her, but then she of course went back to him.

So I do think it's codependence but also women getting in abusive relationships and then trying to make them work.

I really can only think of one friend who bothers to keep up the friendship who is married with kids, and I know she has to make the effort but she does appreciate what friends she has left.

Recently one of my lunch buddies I've known for 40 years got a boyfriend and fell off the map. She will write occasionally, but he wants more time with her than she has energy for and has nothing left over for friends, I guess. She will email occasionally. That's not codependence. It's having no time and energy for everything and everyone. She's pretty introverted so she likes a lot of time to herself and he is always "tricking" her into letting him in on days she's asked to be left alone. I can't help wonder if they're now mated for life or if she will get tired of it eventually.
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Old 10th August 2017, 3:53 PM   #17
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I am the person who does not have a lot of time and energy for alot of people and friends. . .so I can relate.

I have been in seriously co-dependant relationships too, and see that they are un-healthy. I hate them. I like everything to be equal, and I like to be able to do as I please.

I am not the type of person who goes out alot, but I do appreciate alone time. I have been in relationships where I was having issues with that. It was because I did not go out with my friends alot, and so said person had to find something to pick on. Like what I was wearing, or because I spent too long in the bathroom.

I think we should worry about co-dependancy a little bit, but I think it is too soon to tell.
If it becomes an ongoing problem, I would say something if it were important enough.
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Old 11th August 2017, 1:32 PM   #18
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For most people, there is such a thing as spending too much time with each other, and you get sick of each other and their little habits and start fighting. Think back when you were just a kid and how excited to have a friend sleep over, but then maybe by the next day, you were getting on each other's nerves and glad they were going. I've heard this called "cabin fever" because some of my old, old crowd were holed up in Colorado for the winters and so that's what we all ended up calling it.

It's not great to end up with NO boundaries with each other and to end up with NO privacy from each other. Most people can't deal with that for very long and need their own time and space to best appreciate the other.
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