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MicroManaging Friend


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 28th July 2017, 12:40 AM   #1
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MicroManaging Friend

I've agreed to help host a bridal shower with six other ladies for one of our friend's son's fiancee.

The friend, Paisley, who is hosting it at her house is pleasant but not easy for any of us to work with as she micromanages everything she does. We all attend the same church and Paisley has a reputation for being hard to work with because of being very controlling and micromanaging. So to her consternation she never gets to be in charge of anything at church which she hates since she loves to be in charge of things.

She volunteered early on to host this shower and because she has an enormous, beautiful home and spends money lavishly our other friend was eager for her to host the shower there.

Being creative, I was asked to, among other things, make a type of decoration which I agreed to do. However, after I agreed Paisley began detailing to me how to make the decoration. What she wanted me to do I began to realize is not nearly as nice as the way I want to do it, but she insisted on her way down to the little details. I know my way is far more tasteful (that's why I was chosen to do the job) and the things she wants are borderline tacky. Not only was being limited driving me nuts but also I didn't want everyone to see the decoration done the way she wanted it and to be told I created it!

Finally seeing no way around it, I told her I couldn't make the decoration because I'm having many creative ideas I want to incorporate and I know she will be disappointed that the decoration is not done exactly the way she wants it to be.

I told her in a very nice way in the group text we all use to communicate but she was pretty snarky with me in her response. Still, I was let off the hook and will be making food for the shower instead.

Anyway, now I'm feeling as if I let her down though, rationally, I know she was overbearing. The shower is in three weeks so she still has time to make the decoration herself. But, I can tell in the group text that she is upset about my decision not to create the decoration.

I'd like opinions on this situation.
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Old 28th July 2017, 10:41 AM   #2
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Guess I didn't mess up too badly or someone would have "taken me to the woodshed" by now, lol! Just feeling that I let her down...but guess not...?
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Old 28th July 2017, 10:44 AM   #3
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You didn't let her down. She stepped on your toes. You were as nice as possible, and I am certain the rest of the text group members know EXACTLY what is going on.

She's upset because she lost someone to control, basically.
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Old 28th July 2017, 10:54 AM   #4
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A group text may not have been the best way to approach it as she may have felt like you were calling her to task. It may have been better to approach her and tell her that she should take over the decorating herself if she had something more specific in mind and then tap out.

You were asked to do the decorating so you should have the leeway to get the job done without having someone peering over your shoulder. It is a waste of your time and energy to have your work tossed to the side because someone has something else in mind.
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Old 28th July 2017, 12:23 PM   #5
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I think since she's hosting, she gets to call the shots. Someone has to be in charge. All six of you can't be in charge. It's her home and her deal so try to cooperate with her. If something is too hard tell her I think this is too hard for me but try to just cooperate with her.
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Old 28th July 2017, 2:56 PM   #6
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You didn't let her down. She stepped on your toes. You were as nice as possible, and I am certain the rest of the text group members know EXACTLY what is going on.

She's upset because she lost someone to control, basically.
Thanks, knabe! You don't know how helpful your response was for me and it makes my day easier. I believe you hit the nail on the head and also as far as the others in the text group, too. I really took a lot of time to fashion the texts in as humble a way as possible.

What I didn't write is that I've had a good career in a creative field (she's never worked in a creative field) and it was a concern of mine that folks would see what she wanted me to produce and judge my work by it. I never criticized her poor choices but just told her I wanted to do what she said but my brain was driving me in another direction and I didn't want her to be disappointed when the project turned out differently.

She replied,"I've never heard of a brain that wouldn't conform to the will. Are you able to follow a recipe?" Of course I didn't address that remark just told her I'd be glad to make food.

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Originally Posted by OatsAndHall View Post
A group text may not have been the best way to approach it as she may have felt like you were calling her to task. It may have been better to approach her and tell her that she should take over the decorating herself if she had something more specific in mind and then tap out.

You were asked to do the decorating so you should have the leeway to get the job done without having someone peering over your shoulder. It is a waste of your time and energy to have your work tossed to the side because someone has something else in mind.
Thank you so much, OatsAndHall! I agree about it being better to address the matter privately with her rather than in the group text. My first text to her about it was to her alone and she pulled it into the group text and answered me there, rather than replying privately, not sure why. The snarky remark she made asking me if I could follow a recipe was done in the group text.

Yes, usually when we do these parties no one is peering over anyone's shoulders. I've worked with others in the group when they were in charge and was given artistic license so to speak!

Thank you for your response. It's so helpful for me!

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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
I think since she's hosting, she gets to call the shots. Someone has to be in charge. All six of you can't be in charge. It's her home and her deal so try to cooperate with her. If something is too hard tell her I think this is too hard for me but try to just cooperate with her.
Thank you, preraph! I know this thread isn't very interesting given the subject matter so it really means a lot for each of you to take the time to read and reply.

I agree on the deal about someone needs to be in charge. The last party we all did together was twice to three times the size of this party. I was in charge of that one along with twelve other hosts and she helped. What I did, though, was to have six or so people be in charge of one part of the party each, e.g. food, decorations, music, photography, choosing and ordering a gift from the hostesses, etc. And then I didn't tell anyone how they should handle theirs, they each chose what they wanted. Then we had several meetings so everyone could share what their committee was doing and adjust accordingly! It worked out beautifully! I was happy with everything that was done and made no suggestions to anyone unless asked.
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Old 28th July 2017, 3:02 PM   #7
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Oh boy... Yeah, I wouldn't take it well if she had dragged my private text in a group message setting and then reply with a snarky comment. This is truly on your friend's head at this point; for being a controlling and for being rude. That's just not mature behavior.
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Old 28th July 2017, 3:08 PM   #8
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Oh boy... Yeah, I wouldn't take it well if she had dragged my private text in a group message setting and then reply with a snarky comment. This is truly on your friend's head at this point; for being a controlling and for being rude. That's just not mature behavior.
Thanks, O&H! So helpful. The bigger issue is why am I so concerned about it, huh?
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Old 28th July 2017, 5:19 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by LivingWaterPlease View Post
Thanks, O&H! So helpful. The bigger issue is why am I so concerned about it, huh?
I wouldn't say it's an "issue", honestly. I actually commend you on being a little bit sensitive towards the situation as it shows that you are patient and empathetic towards your micromanaging friend. I probably would have snapped at her a long time ago and that wouldn't have solved anything.

But, for your own sanity, don't let her take up too much free rent in your head.
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Old 28th July 2017, 6:54 PM   #10
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Thanks, Oats! Good advice!
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Old 30th July 2017, 6:12 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by LivingWaterPlease View Post
Thanks, knabe! You don't know how helpful your response was for me and it makes my day easier. I believe you hit the nail on the head and also as far as the others in the text group, too. I really took a lot of time to fashion the texts in as humble a way as possible.

What I didn't write is that I've had a good career in a creative field (she's never worked in a creative field) and it was a concern of mine that folks would see what she wanted me to produce and judge my work by it. I never criticized her poor choices but just told her I wanted to do what she said but my brain was driving me in another direction and I didn't want her to be disappointed when the project turned out differently.

She replied,"I've never heard of a brain that wouldn't conform to the will. Are you able to follow a recipe?" Of course I didn't address that remark just told her I'd be glad to make food.





Thank you so much, OatsAndHall! I agree about it being better to address the matter privately with her rather than in the group text. My first text to her about it was to her alone and she pulled it into the group text and answered me there, rather than replying privately, not sure why. The snarky remark she made asking me if I could follow a recipe was done in the group text.

Yes, usually when we do these parties no one is peering over anyone's shoulders. I've worked with others in the group when they were in charge and was given artistic license so to speak!

Thank you for your response. It's so helpful for me!



Thank you, preraph! I know this thread isn't very interesting given the subject matter so it really means a lot for each of you to take the time to read and reply.

I agree on the deal about someone needs to be in charge. The last party we all did together was twice to three times the size of this party. I was in charge of that one along with twelve other hosts and she helped. What I did, though, was to have six or so people be in charge of one part of the party each, e.g. food, decorations, music, photography, choosing and ordering a gift from the hostesses, etc. And then I didn't tell anyone how they should handle theirs, they each chose what they wanted. Then we had several meetings so everyone could share what their committee was doing and adjust accordingly! It worked out beautifully! I was happy with everything that was done and made no suggestions to anyone unless asked.
And that was fine when you were in charge of organizing it, but that's not how she chooses to do it. Some people don't want to rely on other people or care so much they want everything to be cohesive and up to their own standards. You just have to go along as much as you can. I mean, you can always say if there's something too hard or too time-consuming, but it will get back to the honoree.
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Old 31st July 2017, 12:10 AM   #12
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And that was fine when you were in charge of organizing it, but that's not how she chooses to do it. Some people don't want to rely on other people or care so much they want everything to be cohesive and up to their own standards. You just have to go along as much as you can. I mean, you can always say if there's something too hard or too time-consuming, but it will get back to the honoree.

It wasn't too hard. Her idea was too tacky and I don't care to create it and have people know I did it. What I would have done would have been lovely and appropriate as she well knew.

As far as being up to her standards, no, it would be below my standards to do it her way and I don't want to embarrass myself. I wanted to make something much nicer for the honoree.
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Last edited by LivingWaterPlease; 31st July 2017 at 1:14 AM..
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Old 31st July 2017, 3:02 PM   #13
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It wasn't too hard. Her idea was too tacky and I don't care to create it and have people know I did it. What I would have done would have been lovely and appropriate as she well knew.

As far as being up to her standards, no, it would be below my standards to do it her way and I don't want to embarrass myself. I wanted to make something much nicer for the honoree.
Sounds like you're jealous she's in charge, honestly. Why not just tell her you no longer want to take part.
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Old 31st July 2017, 5:01 PM   #14
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preraph, thanks so much for taking the time to post but since knabe and OatsandHall nailed it succinctly in their posts right away I don't have a need or time to try to explain the situation further when there's no reason to!

Your suggestion that I'm jealous that she's in charge seems odd to me and seems to indicate you haven't read my previous posts in which I mentioned I was just in charge of a party three times larger than this one and gave everyone free reign to do as they please, making no suggestions. This isn't the behavior of someone who wants to be in charge.

Wishing you a great day!

Last edited by LivingWaterPlease; 31st July 2017 at 5:14 PM..
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Old 31st July 2017, 5:38 PM   #15
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she sounds like a piece of work. it's a shame you have to engage with her at all.
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