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Guilt-tripping 'friend'.


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

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Old 9th July 2017, 1:19 PM   #16
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hello vensa, just so you know I am only really going to comment on the original issue: as you are already addressing those other issues professionally and I have no case to go into that private area of your life and have not intent to either; but I appreciate you sharing that insight, however in my own way - I'm not sure it does your case all that many favours when thinking back to your original post if I'm honest! the last bit of your post has made me return to my original concerns in this: and I feel...

regardless of what you wrote originally; I still think people deserve a second chance.

I'm not suggesting you should be friends as you say you don't want that and don't have the strength, but I feel everyone deserves a right to hear what they have done wrong to offer the chance for them to put it right; and in a matter such as this from what you have said; where it is not gravely serious then apologies are helpful to both parties and could in this case also play a part in putting a small part of your troubled spirits to rest for a while.

ignoring this woman is just feeding the problem!!!!!!!! and is not helping anyone move forward in this matter; but i suspect you also know that is the case too!!!

whether you admit this or not this is a situation that is also adding to your current distress, so maybe it might be helpful to deal with the small issue (this) is so you can give more attention and focus to the bigger issues facing you that are not so easy for you to shun or put aside.

what would happen if your therapist suddenly decided he'd/she'd heard all you had to say and were bored by it all???.... or that despite you wish to talk on a deeper more private level about things that bothered you they just turned round and told you " just grow a pair"!!! i wonder if one of your issues surrounding this is really about you not being able to empathize with this girl and that hardness you display is nothing more than a defence mechanism for the hurt and escape you are running from somewhere in your personal life?!!!

whatever the true sentiment behind your words, suggesting someone grow a pair is pure negativity (and you accuse her of negativity) so i dont see how it is helping anyone other than hiding what is really going on for you!

part of the problems today are that people are hard faced and proud of it, they don't want to talk things through unless it suits them or they can get what they want so they just block others at the drop of a hat, they muddle through with half facts and and trash others without thinking or caring because they can and because they have a safety network that doesn't have to deal with the responsibility or consequences of how others are made to feel because they feed off and secretly love the drama of it all.

so many people that could help don't wish too because they feel I'm alright jack, I'm ok or I had to struggle so you can struggle too! that's surely hypocritical and just downright selfish. also there are the cowards who gather round others and put in their snipe and gossip and then stand by and watch as others suffer even though they can help but wont or daren't because their mates wouldn't like to see them go soft - despite knowing that they are doing harm or and are blatantly bullying others by their immature and dumb actions.

I really think if you can see the bigger picture here and address this with her it will ultimately help your to help yourself with other matters you say are going on for you.

if you don't feel like suggesting that exercise would help her fair enough, but I really think if you are really serious in your reflected thoughts that sounded as though you might like to try or at least contemplate thinking whether it was possible to sort things with this woman then you have to be prepared to talk and address this.

health problems can only start to heal with love, care, understanding, communication and release. if you are closed off to this with her (just as you say your brother is in dealing with his issues) - then all you have in that situation you have posted about is denial!!!!!!!!!! and suffering!!! and I believe you and this person "are" suffering - whether you'd admit to that or not!

from what little you've said there are a few signs in this woman that maybe similar to elements of you!!!! and if that is the case, then perhaps that is part of the reason you maybe feel a sense of hostility towards her and about what has gone on, (maybe you are reacting to things about her that you see in yourself???!!!!!), you already said early on that you saw 5 traits in her behaviours that you identified.....I'm not saying you have those 5 traits, but you clearly know where she is coming from at times and based on that factor, i really find it hard to know how you can seem to reject her endlessly in her wanting to clear this matter up with you. what is so special about you that you can't offer closure to someone who is making an effort to sort things out with you?

maybe there is some sort of reflection and recognition of ongoing pain somewhere in her story that rings a bell with you also but in a more complicated subtle way and maybe that is why you feel the way you do!! you see it but are rejecting it because you cannot deal with it or admit it fully yet.

I can hear very clearly that you are accountable for your own recovery! but not everyone is that fortunate or is able to find the people that you managed to that can offer trust or support!!!!

if i didnt know any better i could almost think theres an almost bragging sense to that sentiment of ive found support and she is so weak that she hasnt then i detest that so i wont give her anything, she is beneath me....is she? is that what you think? i hope it isnt, even if it comes across that way. there is a hardness to your words that i just cant figure out here, as its so unessesary considering the smallness of this origional issue (in comparrison to your later posts).

all i can do is to congratulate your progress on those other issues it must have been a rough jouney, but if its true, thats why i find it hard to hear your hard sentiments.

maybe if you reach out once more you will be able to put one more problem behind you and focus on the things that will provide other closures for elements of you own past that are still very much with you!

I still think you need to be the bigger person here and offer closure and a chance for healing for you and her, and for your own health,

forgiveness is a powerful thing. but courage is something that is even greater!!!!!!!!

maybe you also need to grow a pair and just talk to her!!!!! what is stopping you wanting to try to sort this out with her?

10 years of therapy and running on fumes must be totally exhausting, but surely 20 or 30 minutes of your time to put an end to this situation could be the start of you also taking control of your life and looking to other areas of help as well.

you say you have a life in an earlier message, but your life: like hers - doesn't sound that happy to me if I'm honest!!!!

if you never see her again then you will know you've tried. but surely you also know about rejection, hurt, loss emotion and reaching out and withdrawing. if this lady is crushing your spirit then take control and face your fear and talk to her. it's easy to dismiss and not face the fear of her, but facing things is something that therapy has surely enabled you to learn to cope with.

from what you are saying this situation has a lot of complicated issues and deep trauma. all I am saying is give yourself a breathing space by meeting her and talking, then you might have more time to clear this up for good (but in a positive and constructive way).

I still feel that there are elements of this situation that don't fit together, for example I'm not sure where the "exaltation" is coming from you speak of!!!! or the feeling of being humbled and then suggesting someone deal with their own issues because you have managed to or that the she should grow a pair and deal with her own ****!!! it just doesn't sound healthy or that balanced to me i'm afraid, it's just sounds like you releasing your pent up emotions and venting - which is what you also accused her of.

The craziest thing in this is that the real person in this situation you originally wrote about is the same person and is the ONLY person that you should be releasing your emotions to regarding this issue (aside from a therapist if youve spoken about this lady) as this lady that has CLEARLY got under your skin!!!!!!)

you talk about you being emotionally self-sufficient...but I am not hearing that or reading that in all of this!!!!!

you are asking for questions about her but the only person that can truly give you answers on this problem is the woman herself.

but look, I've said all I am going to on this matter. I wish you well even if it may not sound like it i really do, but i just think that "IF" you are truly humbled by what has been offered in our posts to try to assist in this issue and you genuinely feel what has been offered by the posters here and are telling us all that it is as valid as you claim - then hopefully you will see the only way forward is to address this matter full on with her and do the right thing in talking to her.

in doing that I feel you may be on a better route to beginning to clear a better space for you mentally so you can focus on the more troubled areas of your life you are already addressing with professional help.

take care and think about what has been suggested regarding this issue, I am not in a position to comment on the other personal issues you have raised; and I feel I have done my best to advise on the issue you "originally" posted in about.

if you act on that then that's your choice BUT I STRONGLY FEEL THAT UNTIL YOU TALK TO HER ABOUT WHAT HAS GONE ON AND "WHY" IN THIS MATTER, YOU WONT SOLVE A SINGLE THING!!!!

if you are not part of the solution as they say; you are part of the problem. and in terms of seriousness, this is a "light" problem (annoying for you but light in terms of what has gone on in the past for you) and it is because of that lightness and common respect for another troubled human being like yourself that I feel you probably ought to deal with this now if you really want to be free of this person.

there is nothing to be gained from ignoring people, hiding behind false security or throwing out hard vibes for a problem that has the potential to be sorted in comparison the rest of the health issues brought into this story.

good luck, i have answered as best I can to think of any ideas I had for your original problem. I will leave it there for others.

we all could do with a bit of thoughtfulness, kindness and understanding at times, but if you don't know or care how your behaviours are affecting others, do you really have a right to pull them up on their own failings and so publically too?, particularly if elements of those hard times they are being got at for have in parts shown a reflection of the things that also trouble you.

mental health is a growing issue whatever the depth or wealth of problems it brings, your own story is no less valid than hers and you are carrying your own baggage just as she is, the only difference is she is asking you to help her, face to face - as she realises there is a growing issue that is affecting her further.

I don't understand your rejection of her and her simple and honest request for help. is your hardened stance fuelled by your own need and desire for self protection, or is it that the people around you that you cling to have also added their negative input and so now the truth and proportion of this situation has been lost COMPLETELY!

ignore her if you wish, but it you take that option it could end up coming at cost to your own health, not to mention hers!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't believe this is the way to treat others just cutting them off without a chance to explain or discuss things.

you tell us she is 40....but I wonder.... how old are you???? something tells me you are not that young either!!!!!

I just hope you both get the attention you clearly need from each other (though are too stubborn to see or admit that).

i also hope you appreciate the fact that my commenting on other personal issues although contributory, is not an area I feel I should be addressing with you....and unfortunately again: I feel it is a case of "your issues over hers"!!!!!, which is another example of your selection and representation of her without offering a voice (from her other than as a tool to influence.)..and that is maybe part of the reason things are the way they are between you both now - she hasn't has a voice or listening ear at the time she felt able to speak to you.

who knows what the real truth is behind this situation!!! i only you and her know what that is; but il bet it is not quite the way it is being presented !!!!

the truth is also that neither of you really know each other well enough to judge the other without wanting to talk though the facts together to sort things out before you get stuck blaming each other... and im not sure either of you are going to come together in the way that will enable this matter to stop, - so you will probably go on upsetting each other and running from your issues!!!!!!! "that is unless you both grow a pair!!!! and deal with things as the adults and respected people you ought to be treating the other person with".

its disappointing to read posts like this one sometimes when you think it may go one way but you read further and you realise that all is not what it seems in a sentiment to want to resolve things, but that is life when adults cannot be mature enough to sort things out!!!

i hope you find the courage to talk to her. because what ever has gone in the past regarding her; this is such a mild thing in comparison to the heavier things the world has thrown at people... (you and her included)!!!!

maxi.
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Old 10th July 2017, 9:20 AM   #17
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OP, most people I know have had difficulties in their lives. Yes, it stinks. Yes, they still need to learn social awareness and develop some emotional intelligence.

People like this are emotional vampires, and every time a relationship or friendship ends, they are quick to blame whoever walked away with am acute inability to look at themselves. In fact, the entire world is basically to blame for their problems and SHOULD be accommodating them and all of their behavior.

The BEST thing to do for someone like this is to NOT enable. When we enable, they have no reason to change and learn how to interact and deal with life - even when difficult - like the rest of us. We have social norms, and they need to learn to follow them.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but anyone can learn tact, emotional intelligence, and how not to suck the life out of others.

Her life is not your responsibility. Period. This is not a situation of you being unempathic to a poor lost soul. This is a situation of a soul sucking emotional black hole refusing to address her issues and expecting the world to fill her void.
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Last edited by knabe; 10th July 2017 at 9:23 AM..
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Old 11th July 2017, 5:37 AM   #18
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Knabe, thank you. Thanks everybody.
Maxi, I'm only 51.
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Old 11th July 2017, 10:28 AM   #19
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I haven't read the entire thread but if someone becomes toxic , you HAVE to get rid of them. This person is one of those. You will feel much better later , after a while of course. I wouldn't feel guilty.
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Old 12th July 2017, 8:27 AM   #20
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It seems the majority of answers are in agreement. No need to read the entire thread to see that. Guilt? Nah! If people need to diss a toxic individual then do so. I would rather be alone than have bad friends. To the person who disagrees with me, thanks for the loooooooong dissertations. There were little germs of wisdom in there but my mind is made up. What people think of me is not my business.

There won't be a slow fade. I will remain in NC.
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Old 12th July 2017, 8:28 AM   #21
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Oh pooh, I meant 'gems' of wisdom. Sorry
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Old 17th July 2017, 4:27 AM   #22
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So much for the slow fade. She has spent the best part of her day sending me texts asking "why" and 'Why not." I just told her I don't want to know her and all I received is a barrage of dirty words to describe me. I do not care. Whatever it is she thinks about me is none of my business.
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Old 31st July 2017, 9:54 AM   #23
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This sounds harsh, but cut her loose.

Cray cray almost never gets better. It's just the same patters, behaviours, reactions, accusations etc. over and over and over again, weekly, monthly, yearly.

Those who have family members with BPD, bi-polar disorder etc. will tell you that nothing changes. Drama, drama, drama.

Friends aren't family. You have a choice. You haven't even know this person for very long and it's overwhelming; the texts, the need, the desperation, the texts, and more texts.

A 40 year old woman talking through a puppet, with multiple broken relationships and a criminal charge for assault, who is dominating your time with her need, screams cray cray.

Like I said, it's harsh but I know from having life experience and seeing it first hand, cray cray is like a whirlpool that never ends and sucks down all those who can't swim away (family) or those who won't ("friends, coworkers").
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Old 31st July 2017, 2:55 PM   #24
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She's a mess. No need to read further than her sticking a stuffed monkey in people's faces and talking with it. I confess I did stick a stuffed Mr. Peanuts up a waitress's dress one night one of the two times I drank tequila, but after that I knew never to drink it again. I know I was crazy that night and that's how I know she is crazy on the regular.

Her self-esteem is understandably low at least partly due to her obesity (although sometimes it's a cycle with low self-esteem causing and then perpetuating obesity) and so she knocks people down to make herself feel better for a second. It's called leveling. She feels taking people down a peg make her equal or superior for a moment, but it doesn't last long.

Honestly, she has some real problems and I feel kinda bad for her, but her behavior is inexcusable. I'm obese now and I would never act like that, but I haven't lived with it my whole life. I'm thin inside and my self-esteem is miraculous considering some of the stuff I've coped with.

Bottom line, she isn't any fun so you should just do the fade with her. Be vague so she can't try to investigate your excuses. Just "Sorry I'm busy, and I have to go now."
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