Chronic copycat friend

[kinney28]

Hi all,

 

 

 

I need advice regarding a friendship that I currently have. I’ve only known this lady for about 4 years but we weren’t really close until the last 1.5 years. We have some common interests and we have gotten very close. She even became a co-maid of honour on my wedding 3 months ago. The problem that I’m having is that it seems she is chronic copying me since the beginning. It started off when she applied to become a travel agent at my previous workplace.

 

She struggled a bit with the application so I thought that I would assist her a bit because I have been there before. When she finally got accepted, she thanked me and told me that the reason why she applied for it was because she wanted to do what I did and that was fine at the time. Quite flattering that I inspired her to do that. Moving on, we hanged out more and more taking note that she is recently engaged so at the time I was on full on planning my wedding all of last year. When I first met her, she told me that they have their heart set on having their wedding date on April 2018 but then she asked me why I was getting married in March, a couple of weeks later she changed her mind and decided that she was also getting married in March. Then follows most of it, she started asking and considering on booking my other suppliers including my photographer, videographer, wedding cake, hair and make-up, the place where our bridal party will get ready, DJ and photo booth.

 

It was our dream wedding that my husband and I planned and the annoying thing for me is that she doesn’t seem to be doing her own research which was what I did for 2 years. I am open if she uses a couple of suppliers but what ruins it for me is that she is insensitive for stealing my ideas. She acknowledged it one time saying that “It seems I’m going the same path as you. Sorry” but she actually just kept on doing it. I thought of confronting her but I also know her well enough to know that she is very sensitive and will take it the wrong way. I don’t want to hurt her feelings because she has been a great friend to me but I also cannot deny that some of her attitude irritates me immensely so I decided on keeping a distance from her.

 

It has been a month since I’ve distanced myself from her but she hasn’t really approached me about it. What should I do from hereon? P.S. I am a bridesmaid at her wedding as well…

 

 

 

Thanks in advance,

 

Kinney28

Edited June 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Has any of this stuff negatively affected YOUR wedding/marriage? I mean besides your feelings/attitude about it?

 

My mom once asked me, (while I was freaking out about something quite minor AT a wedding, by coincidence), "Will this particular thing matter five years from now? If yes, there's reason to stress about it. If no, let it go."

Edited June 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post

[LivingWaterPlease]

Though I agree with CautiouslyOptimistic that you should let it go, I think I'd have a hard time with it if a lot of mutual friends will be at both of our weddings. Just because I'd want to have my wedding be unique, not a wedding where others would be sitting there thinking deja vu!

 

However, if you don't share the same friends I think in your place I could let it go.

[CC12]

I don't think you can address her general copy-catting without really hurting or offending her. Either choose to not be friends with her, or learn to tolerate it. Maybe it would help to think of her in a more sympathetic way. It's really kind of sad that she's like this. She has no ideas or opinions of her own. She just follows. It's probably because she doesn't have much self-esteem or confidence or trust in herself. Pretty sad. And she must think you're really something. Why wouldn't you want to be friends with someone who basically idolizes you? (Kidding, sort of.)

 

Then follows most of it, she started asking and considering on booking my other suppliers including my photographer, videographer, wedding cake, hair and make-up, the place where our bridal party will get ready, DJ and photo booth.

 

Even if she hires every last one of your suppliers, I would bet that she will still want to do the fun parts of planning her own wedding like picking her own colors, cake style, music, etc and that hers will end up looking very different from yours.

 

But I think the wedding planning is something you can gently address with her. "I'm glad you were able to hire the same people who did my wedding, they did a great job and I'm sure you'll be happy with them. I've been thinking about it lately and I'm worried that our weddings might end up looking really similar since you're using the same team. I tried to make our wedding unique to my and my husband's personalities so it would hurt to see someone else do the same thing a year later."

 

Or try meeting up with her to help her plan. Tell her to bring all her binders and bridal magazines or whatever to have a fun lunch where she shows you all the stuff she's planning. It could be completely different to yours, then you can stop worrying about it. If she has stuff that's similar to something you did, you can gently point out that you had the exact same thing. Encourage her to make it more her own.

 

Ultimately, though, her copying you is annoying, but it doesn't have any effect on your life. This is something you can choose to not care about. She can make every last detail of her life and her wedding identical to yours, and it doesn't have to matter to you one bit. It's her life and she can live it however she wants. All you have to do is decide the level of involvement you want with someone who is like that.

 

Sometimes deciding that you no longer care about something is a lot easier than you think it will be, and it makes your life so much better and happier.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I wrote that I'd let it go if you didn't have mutual friends who would attend both.

 

But I'd distance myself from anyone who was copying me that much. I'm pretty independent and while I don't mind someone copying something I do, I wouldn't be comfortable being close with someone who copied a lot of what I do. I'm just not attracted to be close friends with those who don't have their own ideas. Be yourself, and no matter what that self is, as long as a person is authentic it's much more appealing to me than someone who is copying others.

[preraph]

I would hurt her feelings. I'd look annoyed and tell her, Jeez, Mary, can't you think of anything original for your own wedding? Why are you copying mine? Don't you think people will find it odd? I know I do.