Should I end this friendship?

[Laura76]

I have this long distance friend, don't known her personally, we live in different states, but we've been talking and messaging each other for about 3 years now; we both like cats, we're both alone, we both suffer form depression and anxiety, so that's why we've become close, we listen to each other

 

I've noticed that I'm starting to resent her, and would like your opinion because I don't know if I'm overreacting. While we're both alone, she's better than I am, she has other friends and some family left, I don't... she loves to post about her depression and about her problems, she's more social than I am, and she is always getting help, and by help I mean people who don't know her (just like me) send her money, friends buy her stuff or pay for her medical consults, sometimes I feel she uses her problems to get stuff, and sometimes I feel I'm jealous of all the help she gets. But that's not really the problem, the problem is that even with all the help she gets, she keeps complaining, she keeps feeling miserable, she keeps saying "God hates her", and everytime she gets help she cries and cries because "she is an independent woman and hates depending on people", oh, and everytime she cries about that she apologizes to me because "she knows how awful it must be to hear her cry all the time" She tells me that I'm the only one who understands her, that she can't talk to anyone else (I know she talks to a lot of people about her situation) and that she wouldn't know what to do without me and my advice. This makes me feel tremendous pressure because sometimes I'm not in the mood

 

She has helped me sometimes, I wont deny that, I've called her sometimes when I'm going through a crisis and I don't want to be ungrateful, but she makes a point of saying "I don't understand, but I try", and sometimes while I'm battling serious money, health and emotional issues I find myself talking to her because she couldn't afford some shoes (my salary is miserable!) or because the cat knocked down and broke something and she's having a crisis... she says I give her amazing advice, but I don't really feel she's done anything for me, it has always been more about her. She's also proven to be really ungrateful and selfish, I hate selfish people

 

When I go out with positive people I feel empowered, I feel motivated, I try to transmit that to her, like "wouldn't it be amazing to travel to this or that country?" "Oh no, that's not for me, I'm happy in my house with my cats" or "It would be nice to find a good man" "oh no, I'm happy I don't have to deal with that stuff anymore" It's like she's just waiting to die... really brings me down

 

She has surgery recently, so everything has been about her surgery. About a week ago, she posted that an artist she likes is going to her town but she didn't have money, and someone on Facebook, someone from another country, sent her money for the ticket... that did it for me, I don't know why but it made me SO mad, and I don't feel like talking to her anymore. She messaged me asking how I was, told her I couldn't sleep and had some health issues, she said she was sorry and I haven't heard from her since. I know that everything she does is because she's depressed, and I know what it's like to be dumped by a friend because you're depressed (happened to me years ago) so I feel guilty. Should I distance my self from her, and how?

[Telemachus]

"...I don't really feel she's done anything for me,...I hate selfish people."

 

Other than for this interesting contradiction in your perception of the situation, you seem to have a pretty good relationship.

 

She's never screwed you over, nor you her. It doesn't seem to be the amount of time you spend on your relationship either that troubles you. Honestly, I don't get it.

 

However, if it brings you only grief and no joy, and it isn't enough that you bring her joy, then end it. You get to pick your friends in this life, and people come into and out of our lives, and we theirs.

 

She isn't your boss, or your next-door neighbor. Simply tell her that the friendship has run its course and you won't be in contact any longer. If you don't want to be that direct, just increase the interval between when she reaches out to you and when you get back to her, and decrease the duration of each contact. Eventually, she'll stop contacting you.

[Laura76]

Hi Telemachus. Maybe I didn't explain myself well, when I say I don't feel she has done anything for me, I mean she hasn't enriched my life as she claims I've enriched her, and isn't a friendship supossed to bring something into ones life? I feel she takes more than she gives, and I'm not her therapist, I'm not her mom, I'm a depressed person who also needs help

 

About the selfishness, let me give you an example; she had surgery on her arm, one of her friends bought her a protection thing so she wouldn't get her arm wet during showers, she later learned that her wound would be bigger than she thought, so she had no use for it and she was mad about it. I told her to give it to someone who needed it and couldn't afford it "NO!!! it's MINE!! why should I give it away?? it will stay in my closet or I will give it back to my friend" and this is only one example, it wouldtake me a while to write about all of them

[preraph]

To me, she just sounds like a scam artist who isn't about to quit moaning because if she does, the gravy train will dry up.

[Laura76]

"To me, she just sounds like a scam artist who isn't about to quit moaning because if she does, the gravy train will dry up."

 

I feel the same way sometimes, although I don't know if she's conscious of her behavior; all I know is that it makes me really mad that she doesn't appreciate the help she gets