How to be happy and supportive of your friend whose life is a lie

[amkxoxo]

It's hard for me to be supportive of my friend and happy for her.

 

We are both turning 25 and have been friends for a many years. We've had great times together. We used to go out all the time and laugh and have fun, drink, meet people, be social, but since we've both been out dating men, I've found it a lot harder to support her. She is a love crazed, home body.

 

I think my friend is extremely attention seeking and almost wants all these accolades for being in a relationship. She likes people to think she’s cool for being in a relationship.

 

She claims she goes searching on all these online dating sites "just for fun to see what is out there, not looking for anyone right now. " For not looking for anyone serious, she was on Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid. But then she always ends up with boyfriends. What is so wrong with coming out and saying "I would love to meet someone nice and be in a relationship." I appreciate people who can just be themselves. If I went online dating, I would be open to people that I am just looking to find someone.

 

She meets these guys and then she gets all crazy talking about soulmates, marriage, children, right away. A month into their relationship she will claim she loves him, and they are soulmates, and their families just think they are perfect. She has done this many times where it is a pattern. She preaches to everyone how perfect he is etc... She literally preaches to people that they have no issues whatsoever. Like no relationship is perfection.

 

It’s almost so fake that its annoying. I think she over exaggerates everything. Like with her boyfriend now, she is claiming he wants to marry her as soon as he can. They have only been together for a few months. I don't know many guys at 26 who would be like that. Also, he barely makes a living, doesn't know what he wants to do as a career, and still lives with his parents. Doesn't sound to me, like he is claiming that he wants to walk down the aisle, if he can't even pick a profession. How can he get her a ring, when he can’t even move out of his parents’ house?

 

It’s also hard for me to support her and be happy for her, when she doesn't pick these men for herself. She sort of just sticks with whomever sticks with her. She will date a guy for a few weeks, and then they ghost her and she preaches that she knew all along they weren't the one for her. That is a lie. She was obsessed with them and they left her.

 

If that guy from three months ago didn't leave her, she would be in a relationship with him. The only reason she is still with this current guy, is because he stuck with dating her and talking to her. She told me his ex’s were slutty and provocative woman, whom had threesomes and were very sexual and cheaters. No wonder he is sticking with my friend, she is practically a turtle neck wearing, church going saint who will never leave him.

 

I don't know, but I like to choose the person I am with. I like to date them to see if we have commonalities, chemistry, passion, similar values, and then if you do, you continue dating or you break up. She doesn't choose, she just settles, and then talks them up when they aren't all that great, like they are just the perfect one for her. She settles for low income men, with no life plan, living with mom and dad. I am all about men’s personality and how they treat me overall as the most important factor. I would date anyone who I liked, whom was good to me, but I am attracted to successful driven men with a future, as I myself want more out of life. We are so young and have so much we can do together and apart to accomplish life goals and be complete as people and as a couple.

 

She makes me laugh because last year she was in a relationship with someone, and she was in love after a month, married bound, etc... I cannot even count the amount of times she would tell me that “People think we are newlyweds.” and he dumped her. Now she talks like she knew all along he wasn't the one for her and talks like he is so below the guy she is with now. She preaches how her current guy works so hard etc... She literally just told me how her boyfriend now isn’t working at all. In his line of work, handy man/landscaping, he doesn’t work for about three months. I would not be able to marry someone who wasn’t working.

 

The guy from last year has a better, more stable adult job than this new guy. He worked 40+ hours a week, with benefits etc… He dumped her because she became such a lazy home body once she had him and was very clingy. One time he literally told her to stop texting him

 

She keeps preaching how she wants to get married by the time she is 25. Which is this year. I think she would marry anyone, just because she wants to be married. And she likes the attention, and being first. Like I don't care if I am the first, last, of my friends. I don't care if I am popping out babies right now. I am focused on my career, my life, having fun, and being me. If someone comes along and I choose them and they choose me, then we can be great together and see how it goes.

 

She almost makes me feel like I am in a lower stage of life than her for wanting to dress up and go out once in a while to drink and dance. She practically said it last night how “well I am just in a different stage of life, the marriage and children stage.” I'm not a party girl, by any means. She and I used to go out and have fun. We were partners in crime. She has become a boring homebody. I was talking about dressing up nice and going to a bar this week for our friends birthday. I don’t go out a lot at all. But I am 25, and I like to be social, have fun, and feel sexy sometimes. My friend was all “Well I just don’t enjoy doing that anymore. I would rather dress casual and drink water.” I want to shake her. Like she doesn’t wear makeup anymore, fix her hair, and barely wears pants, always leggings. Most of the guys I know, like their girlfriends to look sexy once in a while, not lazy.

 

She also takes on whatever lifestyle the person she dates has. She dated someone in the summer with a lot of money, and then was acting and talking like her life would be extravagant to everyone almost bragging about it. Now because that guy dumped her she claims she knew all along he wasn’t the one for her, and she was not at all interested in his expensive lifestyle. That wasn’t the case when she was telling me constantly about his boat, pool, and car.

 

Now because her and her current boyfriend are poor, she preaches to us how money means very little and she was never one to need nor want that. I’m sorry, but what modern woman settles for not wanting much in life? None that I know. Money means little to me. But I am self-sufficient and take pride in my life and work. I do well and want to meet a man who is at my level or better. Just for security, comfort reasons. Plus to know that if you had children or your car broke down, or you have a tough life moment, you can get through it together. She hasn’t even been through a fight with this guy, a death in the family, anything, and she literally said she thinks they will be married or at least engaged this year.

 

Anyone know how to combat not being able to support your friend? I just have a hard time doing so, because I think she can do so much better if she didn't just settle and rush. What's wrong with waiting for a good person to come into your life and let it happen naturally? I love her as a person, but when she's in a relationship, she is insane.

[anika99]

Wow. You are way too invested in your friend's dating life. She does sound rather desperate to find a guy to marry, but that doesn't make her a bad person nor does it mean that her life is a lie, it's just her life.

 

If she is a good friend to you, if she is supportive and nonjudgmental of you, then you should try to be the same for her. If you are concerned about some of her choices you can talk about that with her without coming across as judgmental and unkind. There is a loving way to express concern but in this post it mostly sounds like you want to judge her. You keep saying what you would do and what you think about indicating that you think your way is the right way to think and act.

 

If you have a good friendship with her then don't sweat the small stuff. Who your friend dates, how quickly she gets involved or how soon she thinks she's in love isn't really anything you should be upset about unless you are genuinely worried for her, in which case you can raise those concerns with her in a kind and caring way.

[amkxoxo]

I know, you are right. I don't mean to judge her. Its so hard not to with her crazy expressions of love after knowing someone for a few weeks. Its literally insane. She makes crazy things up like when he met her parents for the first time, how her parents loved him and could see him being in their family.

 

That is insanity. No family meets someone you date for the first time and is on marriage street with you. Like my cousin has brought home guy after guy and we never think that unless they have been together for a long time and are very serious/live together.

 

I love her as a person, but she doesn't act like my awesome, fun friend when she is in a relationship.

 

To be honest, I secretly think she is a little bit jealous of me. When we used to go out, I would always get asked out and hit on, opposed to her. I tend to find smart, talented, successful men, and she doesn't attract those types of guys. I think it hit her hard, thus she turned to online dating so she could feel special and brag about all the men she had eating out of the palm of her hand. It isn't a competition. I think she likes to flaunt her "perfect" relationship in people's, my face like a dangling carrot.

[d0nnivain]

She is insecure. She is worried about so much. . . how others perceive her; being alone; being seen as popular & desirable. It must be exhausting to be her.

 

 

You be a dear friend by standing with her & not judging. Show by your actions that you care about her & you will be there through thick and thin.

 

 

Unsolicited advice rarely works so you can't fix this chameleon. However, when the latest guy dumps her ask some probing Qs. Does she see a pattern? Does she think being pickier or slowing down will help? Don't give her any advice but ask her some Qs designed to help her figure out what went wrong & how to prevent those same mistakes in the future.