I'm just... so angry. Best friend breakup.

[Tanyasinclair]

Yeah, apparently I'm on a roll in different areas of this forum venting about a lot of different, pent-up issues I haven't really been discussing before or dealing with properly. (Or maybe I'm just finding this a refreshing avenue... it really, really has been helpful, and I cherish each response I've gotten to each of my threads, and each one has already helped more than I can say, plus it just helps a lot to get this stuff outta my system.)

 

It's just....

 

Have you ever been in a situation where you knew someone for a full decade, to some extent you even "grew up" with the person, (that is, both of you went through a lot of storms together in a way, and the simple fact that you'd known each other for such a lengthy amount of time meant there was a bond and a significant attachment) It's just................

 

Well, you know, in order to understand why I did some of the whacky things I did and chose some of the people I did, I already wrote some stuff about my upbringing in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/612661-infatuation-one-sided-crushes-obsession-losses-etc

 

But with that out of the way....

 

Basically, this friendship.... the one that I am gonna discuss in this thread, it was definitely not your average friendship from the start. It basically started in 2006, where I was 19 and I joined a Star Wars fanboard and one of the many individuals I met there... let's just call her Amanda. Not her real name, but the names are changed to protect the innocent.

 

Amanda was 10 when I first met her. Thing is, the website was PG-13 soooo she did lie about her age, so to be fair, I did think she was at least a teenager when I first met her, and back then, I kinda considered myself in the same age demographic as teenagers and I didn't know much of anything anyway.

 

The thing is.... somehow or other, I can't even explain how, she really, really took a liking to me. I think she started to see me in a sisterly way. But I started to go through a snit-phase a couple months after I met her, I was angry, I was acting like a rebellious 13-year-old (largely due to my parents sheltering and over-controlling of me), and... that was the first time I kinda cut off contact with her.

 

And I sorta went back and forth a while, especially since she was kinda on and off the forums herself. Eventually though, after she turned 11, she and I started talking again (we both got msn, so that made this easier) and she confided her age in me. And I kept it secret.

 

I think a big reason why we clicked was because.... as strange as this may sound, I did look up to her, especially since... at that point in time, even such a young kid had been far more worldly and somewhat more social than my 19-year-olds' worth of experiences had been.

 

Plus we both had some stuff in common. Over-controlling, unstable parents who apparently had martial problems.

 

But... over the course of the years, it was kinda like... bad stuff kept happening. I guess part of this was to be expected, considering our age difference and how... unusual that friendship must have been, plus both of us were immature even if it was for different reasons. (Nevertheless, I guess you could say we were on the same wavelength.)

 

The thing is.... for some reason, things just kept happening where we would both just keep getting so angry at each other. i think even back then, we had highly incompatible personlities and different ways of doing things, and I think part of what it was was just... clashing.

 

She always did say upfront that if she was presented with a problem, she just wanted to hear it and then take action. With me, I wanted to sit there and analyze it forever and have all of my feelings acknowledged and maybe have somebody go "bawwww poor thing" or some such. (Though bear in mind, I had also never really opened up to anyone about my honest feelings before and I had also never talked about any of my problems with anyone whatsoever before... perhaps it just felt like a treat to get attention and to talk to anyone who would listen.) I think.... me and my depression and my melodrama even had a negative effect on her, and I think she may have soaked up too much of it at that time, because I did get scolded by one of her RL peers at one time, when she was around 12 or so, because Amanda had apparently been cutting herself, and her RL friend got after me for being so depressing and making her worry about me.

 

Anyway... time went by. There were a couple of times where I was still dealing with depression to the extent where... there were actually a couple of times, (I think once during 2007 and again in 2009 or so) where I basically got freaked out and upset over everything and bailed, closing accounts and leaving behind all of my friends on the internet and attempting to return to isolation, and... each time, Amanda wanted to know where I was and where I had gone, and even asked others about me.

 

After I pulled that crap the second time, she got really angry when she found out that I had started hiding out someplace else with a new friend, and that she felt used and dumped, like she hadn't even been worth saying goodbye to. The thing is... I was also keeping in touch with a mutual friend of both of ours, and he was telling me everything that she was saying, and I did get upset and overdramatic about it all, and then Amanda got angry at him for telling me what she had said in confidence.

 

And... she was probably correct at the time, that I had done a lot of talking and not really listening to her at all, and one of her gripes was that she had been in the process of moving from the only home she'd ever known and she could have used a friend. I just feel like.... I think.... maybe because I had dumped so much onto her, she felt we had a bond and therefore she (understandably so) expected me to do the same for her.

 

Anyway... somehow, we just had ways of setting each other off. She would say something really blunt, or make it clear she had a certain expectation, and I'd either blow up or I'd get mad and back off from her. And she'd get upset because she felt I was overreacting or being defensive. We just... we liked each other, we had grown attached to each other, but we had ways of continously setting each other off.

 

Anyway... yeah we had our second breakup or fallout or whatever in 2009, (another overdramatic thing, which I didn't help any), and... we ended up getting back together again in 2010, after she heard from our mutual friend that I had started playing a game that she herself adored. Even then, when we first started talking, I managed to get on her nerves and she hurt my feelings, but we pressed on anyway.

 

Basically.... we started doing a fanfiction project together, the first one we'd really done and gotten into since we first met back in 2006. And the mutual friend joined in as well. And for the most part... I'd have to say it was an enjoyable experience, and... little did I know, the last great project we would have together.

 

But personality clashes still happened, I got angry whenever it felt like she wouldn't listen to my ideas or acknowledge my feelings, and if it seemed like she wouldn't really listen to me if I had a problem with her, I would just go complain about her to our mutual friend behind her back, and he always kept it to himself and let me rave.

 

Either way... things really changed and came to blows in 2012. I was still angry at her for everything she had done or said at previous times that ticked me off, I had a lot of pent-up emotion from miscommunications that occured in the fanfiction project, and I was also stressed by my job and various family crap, so... once again, she and I came to blows, especially since she was going through her own crap with her own family, plus she was dealing with her first broken heart and other problems.

 

So we came to blows, and... while we didn't part ways, it was a bit nasty. And I was still left feeling like.... any and all issues were still unresolved. And I guess part of my problem was that I was still waiting for this magical day to come when we'd talk everything out like in some sitcom, and then everything would be totally okay.

 

Plus.... somehow we just never seemed to have too much in common, I guess. Oh we had the same childish tendencies for a while, and we loved the same fandoms, and we loved writing for a time, and we were kinda into sci-fi, but....

 

In retrospect, it also seemed like... we were never into the same things. And at the risk of sounding disrespectful and selfish, every single time she started talking about band, her music practices, her homework, her martial arts, her sports, etc.... I got very bored and disinterested. Perhaps it was also due to a bit of jealousy considering I had been homeschooled and I was getting to see this girl growing up in what was considered the normal/usual setting that I never got to be much a part of, but.... I think it was also because it was hard to relate to someone who spoke of things I was just never really into.

 

Anyway... in 2013, during one of the crazy moves my family went through, I actually got to meet her in RL. And she was perfectly fine, she was really sweet, and she and I did several nice things together, and she did her best to help. She was an absolute angel. But since I was only in that area for a few days, we quickly parted ways.

 

And... I don't know. For a long time, I still had family problems, I was still dealing with other crap, and.... I just still never got over what happened between me and her in the past, even though she apparently had, and...

 

In 2014, when I finally got situated and life began to settle down, I guess you could say she and I began to resume (more or less) regular communication, as much as her new and busy schedule allowed, as she was a grown woman now with her own bills, she was attending college, and had work and other responsibilities.

 

And... I don't know, even though life had settled down for me, the grudges remained, and... it also seemed like everybody in my old internet entourage had grown up or at least changed so much. I found myself in a strange new state with a family that was just starting to get our crap together, and... everybody online I had sorta "Grown up with" had become strangers.

 

Either way... I still can't exactly explain what happened or why things turned out the way they did, especially since Amanda and one other person kept saying that Amanda and I were "best friends". And she kept trying to find ways to help me, as much as one can when limited by the distance factor and such over the internet, but....

 

I don't know, we just still continued to grate on each other's nerves. I think part of it had to do with her go-getter personality, and she also seemed to take offense whenever I didn't do exactly what she said, and... while I don't think it was her intention to do this, she would sometimes get a little guilt-trippy in some ways, where she'd be kinda like, "You were not grateful for what I tried to do for you." Or, "I tried my best to help you."

 

To be fair, a lot of this was my fault too, because I did spend a considerable amount of time playing myself up to be the poor wittle thing who didn't know how to do anything, who needed help because I was depressed and hadn't even completed school and who's parents were monsters. And... I did do several things for attention, even if some of it was born out of depression or confusion.

 

And since I did keep trying to include her into my life and my personal drama and what was going on with me, and she did care, she did feel that it was her obligation as a friend to try and help and do what she could to push me in what she felt was the correct direction.

 

The only thing is.... I dont' know. I was still getting highly irritated at her personality, the way she talked sometimes, and she was getting more and more angry and upset at the way I talked and the way I was or wasn't doing things.

 

In the end, I finally felt like I had to make a choice between her and my own life and emotional well-being, so I quietly cut contact with her. And to be fair, I have actually found that I have, in some ways, been taking her advice a lot better now that I don't feel like she's worrying about me or checking up on me or holding me to some kind of expectation.

 

I did attempt one final time back in October to say my piece, and she didn't take it very well, she called me a user and said that she felt I didn't care about her as an individual, and that she had been nothing more than a convenient sounding board.....

 

Which is another reason why I still feel so aggravated with her, because she apparently forgets very easily what she herself said sometimes. She was the one who originally made it very clear that if I didn't start doing what she said, she and one other friend would terminate contact with me anyway. In my mind, I was simply making the decision for them, especially since I had to choose my own way, and I also knew enough to know that I had put them through enough crap, too. Apparently they didn't see it this way, they just thought I was being entirely selfish, but I felt I was doing the right thing for everybody's sanity at this point by terminating contact.

 

I am grateful though that I did give her a chance to yell at me, because maybe that gave her some closure she may have needed... I don't know.

 

In the end, I simply blocked her again, and....

 

Frankly, after not having any contact with her for about three months now, I finally had to admit something very terrible to myself, something I had never been able to admit to her, to anyone really, until this point.

 

I actually don't like her. I don't think I ever did. She had always been considered a peer to me, and in the end, perhaps... as something of a role-model, I don't know. But...

 

How exactly can two people spend a decade having bursts of time where they completely aggravate each other, make each other upset beyond measure, hurt each other deeply, annnnnd.... supposedly truck along like they are "best friends"?

 

The weird thing is also just that she seems to have a long line of "best friends". And in each case, each one has either used her in some way, or bullied her, or been the jealous/possessive/bossy type. And I know at least three different cases where each of the "best friends" I know about (including myself) ended up ending very badly.

 

It's just.... I do feel bad about the entire thing, and really... the entire thing was ridiculous, unhealthy, and not... ideal. Just... I don't know.

 

I just feel like... I'm trying to finish dealing with pent-up emotions over the entire thing. And I'm still trying to process everything that happened over the last decade, and....

 

Even so, part of me still sorta feels like... I don't know, like maybe in a few years, she and I could try again. Because.... I still love her, and I know she said several times she loves me. But.... is this really worth it, considering how much crap we seem to put each other through, and nothing ever gets resolved and nothing ever seems to end?

[whichwayisup]

Let the friendship continue to fizzle out and die...Don't try to revive in a few years.

 

You two had a toxic dynamic, it seems like it happened as soon as you two met. It continued for so many years, in fact it sounds like it got worse.

 

You probably feel much better without having to deal with her? If that's a yes then there's your answer. Don't open that door again.

[Tanyasinclair]

Yeah, I do feel much better not having to deal with her.

 

I guess... I don't know. I probably shouldn't be dwelling on it so much, it's just that... well for one thing, it is hard to let go of someone you held in your heart for so many years.

 

But also... I guess I just have this thing where I really wish she could have at least tried to understand where I was coming from, and give me some of what I needed in order to resolve things, but.... I guess that would have meant trying to change her personality, which she cannot do anymore than I can change mine.

 

I just wonder how it is possible that someone can be sweet and a pretty decent person, yet the mere thought of some of the things she said to me and the thought of her personally still makes my blood boil at times. :/

 

I guess it's also just an example of how humans can hold onto something for too long that just isn't good for them.

[whichwayisup]

I agree it's hard to let go of friendships especially ones that have been in your life for a long time. In your case, you've done the right thing. Don't second guess yourself. Grieve the loss because it is a loss and it's sad the friendship didn't work out.

 

One thing you'll continue to learn as you get older, the group of friends you have in your life have to be trustworthy, low key (no drama/bullcrap), people that you can trust and be vulnerable without having to worry about being hurt by them etc..

 

Forgive her. That's how to let go of the anger. She's always had issues and seems like her behavior and they way she processed things weren't healthy. That part of her never changed it only got worse...

 

Life is too short to hang onto bitterness and it serves no purpose in your life now.

[Tanyasinclair]

I love her. I want to understand her, I want to forgive her... I want to take her into my arms one last time, soothe her soul, make her understand how sorry I am, and how I still love her, just.....

 

I also just wish she could understand that the reason why I felt i had to let her go was for her benefit, too, not just some narrowly self-centered thing. And I want to think that, deep down, maybe she does understand that.... I think sometimes she just reacts very badly when she is very upset.

 

I just wish I knew how to grieve and how to let her go properly, especialyl since.... I know she will always be out there somewhere, and one problem with the internet is that, even though she is blocked (and she will stay that way) she will also always be just one email away no matter what.

[Tanyasinclair]

So.... I know that this thread has been dead for a while, and perhaps it would have been best to simply leave it be. Especially since, in a lot of ways, everything that could be said has been said, and.... really, the fact remains that I have been so much better off ever since I cut her out of my life.

 

It's just.... even though I know it is illogical, part of me feels like I would like to give it one final try. To give her a chance to see my side of things, even though I already know that would probably just end in disaster and stir up a hornet's nest that should be left alone, considering it is probably as settled as it is going to be.

 

Especially since, over the years, EVERY SINGLE TIME I tried to get her to listen to me and see my side of things, she never really did. We seemed to go through endless cycles where..... if I sounded like I was agreeing with her, she'd be happy, and then get angry when I backed out of a promise that she pressured me into or didn't do what she wanted me to do. If I was absolutely honest about my feelings on something, she would get very upset or even go into passive-aggressive mode where she wouldn't speak to me until she got over her anger.

 

Frankly, part of me really wants to send her one final email to, if nothing else, just thoroughly chew her out and tell her how she needs to stop making excuses for her controlling and guilt-trippy attitudes, and how, whenever she is confronted on this area, she also needs to stop throwing it at the other person like, "The only reason why my advice is not working for you is because you didn't even try it."

 

.....I'm not even sure why I'm still letting her memory get under my skin so much, and why I'm having such a hard time accepting what has happened and moving on. Rationally, I should just do my best to forget her and move on with my life, something which I've already been doing in some ways, (plus I have found better people whom I click with much more readily) but....

 

I don't know. I guess I feel like.... there have always been specific flaws I have seen over the years in her personality, and in her way of doing things, and maybe it just drives me crazy that SHE NEVER LEARNS. She just never changes. And maybe that is part of the problem, (and it is my problem, not hers,) because I can't accept her as she is, and I have never been able to.

 

I guess in some ways.... I also just feel like I don't understand what happened regarding her and a mutual friend. A few years back, said mutual friend seemed to be fairly understanding of my side and her side, and he would even say things like, "In her mind, you take a problem and beat it up, people like her don't understand that not everyone can do that."

 

Yet somehow, over time, it's almost like that person became a hollowed out shell of what he used to be, much more reserved, and began to almost revere "Amanda" almost like she was some kind of goddess (that's the way it seemed sometimes, at least) and even made it sound like she was right about everything. I'm just.... it's just a bit mind-boggling here, I guess.

 

I honestly think that part of it has to do with the fact that he really tried to be everyone's shoulder to cry on for a long time, and even he himself had admitted that doing that almost completely broke him. There was just once a time when he seemed a lot more adamant to listen to everyone, to understand where each individual was coming from, and make time for each person accordingly. Nowadays, it just seems more like he's somebody extremely boring (no disrespect to him intended) who is doing the right thing by going to therapy for his depression and he does have a job and his own place, which are things to be commended, but otherwise he just seems to spend much of his free time playing games, watching youtube videos, and lurking the social media.

 

I guess in some ways.... I just don't understand how someone who used to have such a rich and bubbly personality can turn into someone who is much more reserved, and just seems like a boring and hollowed out shell of what he used to be.

 

Or.... it could also be that I just have a thing for boring people, I don't know. It seems like I latch onto what is familiar, even if it's not good for me.

 

I don't know, this post is probably ridiculous and I don't even know if it is coherent or anything. But... I guess it does kinda lead into a very important epiphany I had a couple of days ago, a perspective which has been helping me a lot.

 

Again.... I do seem to veer toward what is familiar, even if it's not really in my best interests. That seems to be a mixture of dramatastic, guilt-trippy and emotionalism that borders on manipulation, and/or boring personalities who are nerdy, introverted, and kind yet very difficult to interact with or find a common basis with.

 

Maybe it's because this is basically what i grew up in. I mean, I'm probably focusing too much on the negative traits here instead of equally acknowledging all of the good things about said people and their personalities, considering there WERE a number of areas where their hearts were in the right place, and in some areas, they really, really did go out on a limb for me, even when they had other stuff going on.

 

It's just that.... Amanda always had a way of being dramatic, getting upset easily, and passive aggressive and guilt-trippy, and trying to pressure you into doing things her way. I was also pretty angry at the fact that she apparently went to her RL friends and talked about me and my issues with them to try and find ways to help me, when I did not give her any permission or authorization to do so. (Though.... this might be my own problem, because.... that kinda makes it sound like I'm upset that she went off and did something beyond my control. I mean, I don't own her, and she's not my pet or anything.) Either way, she was always a very passionate individual.

 

And the other friend (let's just call him Kevin), he would listen, he would try to give advice, and sometimes if I felt bad or if he just felt like being nice, he would buy me a gift. But I also found that, for the most part, even though he apparently didn't mind listening, I found that interacting with him was kinda like talking to a wall, or in some cases, a dry and boring biscuit.

 

So... I'm not sure what my point is here, but I guess I kinda feel like.... I got attached to Kevin because he reminded me so much of my dad. Basically, nerdy introvert with a good heart, yet a grumpy side, who liked showing affection by giving you things without expecting anything in return, yet kinda into himself, sometimes non-responsive, and sometimes more interested in reading, watching videos and playing games than anything else.

 

I guess I got attached to Amanda because we did struggle through a lot of life-storms together, I was a major factor in her life while she was growing up, and... I guess she was like a steady constant, and.... I suppose I also have a flair for the dramatics. Or I really enjoy participating in my own soap operas, I don't know.

 

Either way.... I think another factor that made these interactions so toxic to everyone involved is just.... well....

 

In regards to Kevin, he was so boring to be around, especially when he became less bubbly and a hollowed-out shell of what he used to be, but it was nice to get gifts from him, and... I guess maybe observing him was kinda like waiting for sporadic episodes to happen? Much of the time, he was quiet and I didn't know what was going on with him. Sometimes though, he would say or announce just enough, stating something "juicy" (even if this sounds cruel) about how he'd gotten so depressed he had to quit his job, or how a crippling anxiety attack made him run away from his home and responsibilities one time.

 

I don't know. As awful as this sounds, maybe he was sort of like a source of entertainment for me.... or maybe it was just that he was so boring that whenever something angsty or dramatastic happened (or he bothered to announce it) part of me was thinking like "OMG THIS IS SO JUICY". .............Even though another human being's life and misery is not there for my entertainment. But for some reason, I was always very interested in his online activity and anything he did or said, when I couldn't care less about what anyone else was doing or saying half the time.

 

In regards to Amanda, I think that part of me liked the angsty vibes, and.... maybe in some ways, I just liked the attention, I liked acting out in ways that made her worry about me, even though I was also getting upset whenever she talked about me behind my back (Even if it was out of concern) and I got upset about annoying factors of her personality.

 

I don't know, maybe the purpose of this diary-like post is my equivalent of a Catholic confession, and.... I have still been mulling over a discussion I had with someone here on this forum a while back, about how constantly seeking out attention and sympathy for the sake of just getting those two things can become a form of negative attention, especially if they're not being used for constructive self-motivation or self-improvement.

 

I seriously think I used these two people as like a surrogate mommy and daddy, like, "OH I STUBBED MY TOE TODAY, PLEASE MAKE ME FEEL BETTER AMANDA. OH, I SKINNED MY KNEE, I WANT YOU TO KISS IT AND MAKE IT BETTER, KEVIN." Sometimes, I think I created some situations subconsciously, or at least used/exaggerated some incidents or scenarios, just to sort of...... role-play something like that with them, even if it was a bit twisted.

 

Thing is, Kevin had so many qualities so similar to my dad. Introverted, kept to himself a lot, very socially awkward, self-conscious, freely giving, somewhat grumpy, nerdy.

 

I guess Amanda had qualities that were also a bit similar to my dad (in the area of being a tad manipulative, controlling, passive aggressive if she didn't get her way sometimes....) yet also a bit like my mom to a mild extent (when it came to moodiness and being dramatastic) and a bit of my grandmother thrown into the mix (expecting everyone to conform to social norms, you gotta live up to her image of what you should be rather than what you actually are, and being unable to watch her mouth and being tactless, then acting like she didn't have a clue what your problem was when you got upset).

 

I don't know. It could be that, while I was in touch with these individuals, I was trying to.... both consciously and subconsciously recreate something that was similar to what was familiar while I was growing up, mixed with trying to get something that I never really got from my actual parents.

 

I mean, I basically had a nerdy dad who was sometimes more into his computer world than anything else, but would sometimes give you gifts to show affection.

 

And the Mom who was away all the time because she had to work... and because she had to deal with various BS involving my dad and his side of the family, she was often distant and moody.

 

In the end... I have really been trying to knock off the BS in my own attitude and behavior. I'm just....

 

I guess I just sometimes wish I could fix the world. Overall, I like being alone, I like being introverted and somewhat reclusive, and since I actually don't like being around people all that much except for small doses, I'm pretty content to just keep to myself and let the world do its own thing as long as it leaves me alone.

 

And yet, for some reason.... maybe there is something that is deeply ingrained into me that I still haven't identified, but for some reason....... I still feel like I am owed something, and I deeply feel like I have some sort of score to settle and I won't rest, I won't ever feel at peace, and I won't ever feel satisfied until that gets appeased. (And it is something that I have constantly longed for all my life, to the point of obsession and sometimes lying awake at night unable to sleep because the unappeased desire has intensified to the point where I can't relax.)

 

Even though I'm still not exactly sure what "that" is yet.

 

Though.... part of it might go back to my religious upbringing and the way I was taught. That basically the world is fallen, and that the reason why everything bad or uncomfortable in the world is happening is because of man's fallen nature and that we won't truly be at peace or happy until God takes us all home either in death or the rapture and we can be part of a new and perfect kingdom.

 

Thing is..... the only problem with this mindset is that it is also very difficult to really enjoy the world or feel a part of it sometimes. It's so easy to get judgy and instinctively think that the rest of the world NEEDS to conform a certain way, and that also means that anything you don't like in other people needs to be edited and changed, like a story draft or a glitch in a computer program.

 

I don't know.

 

Either way.... I hope this made some kind of sense. If nothing else I feel like it helped me get something out of my system, and maybe it has helped me get my brain just a little more in order.

 

I think I'll try going back to sleep now. And.... if anyone has read this and if you've managed to get something even slightly coherent out of it, bless you. Because I'm not sure if it makes any sense to someone outside of my own head.

[anika99]

I think you should leave things as they are. Frankly I think your friendship with this girl was always highly inappropriate given that it started when you were an adult and she was just a little girl at 10yrs of age. Then you go on to write this long story of all the ways she annoyed you or upset you over the years meanwhile for most of those years she was still just a kid. You complain about her like you expected her to behave as a mature adult when she was just a child. It's kind of creepy to be honest. Don't email her or have any other kind of contact with her. This needs to end forever.