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Friendship over after 3,5 years...


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Old 7th January 2017, 7:32 AM   #1
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Unhappy Friendship over after 3,5 years...

Apologies in advance for the long story. I just need to rant and some words of wisdom are appreciated.


I made a friend 3,5 years ago. We met on a meet up app (i had just moved here and knew nobody), although he had interest in me in the beginning, we met as platonic friends and never had any sexual or romantic relationship. When we met, he soon thereafter confided in me that HE was in a gay relationship for 5 years and they lived together. It was almost like he was embarassed to tell. Anyway, after a few months they broke up because he decided he wanted to be with women.

I find him to be quite a weird person, always have. He is bi, but has only dated couples and women since that break up, so for 3 years that I have known him, he has focused on dating women.
He is a serial dater and always has one or more that he is dating at once, and they never seem to really be 'it' for him. They never stick. He has high standards and is very arrogant in many regards.
He has no humor and does never joke about things.
He also seems to be lacking any sensitivity.
For example, I have cats, whenever he was over, he'd never be sweet with them, doesn't even pet them or anything.

The reason we sort of became friends was that we both are interested in the same causes (human rights - weird, because he seems to be lacking so much empathy, yet works in this field) and like same movies, music, etc. So he is a very cultured person and that's hard to come by around here.

Anyway, last summer, he dated a girl who had Aspergers. I have Aspergers too, but let it be known that Aspie girls can be the most empathetic persons you ever meet. The little boy Autism stigma does not apply to most grown Aspie girls. She was very sensitive and empathetic with him. He always emphasized that. He, however, didnt understand a lot of her quirks and so he would always come to me for advice, knowing I also am an Aspie girl, and he wanted to know how he should 'deal' with her. There were days where I spent hours upon hours talking with him, giving him advice on how to approach the relationship, how to show her he cares, etc. But he EFFED IT UP. Because HE could not deal with HER quirks, he blamed it on her for being ''impossible", then he actually showed me text exchanges they had, where he was cussing at her, calling her terribly bad names, 'eff you you slut' and other things. I had no idea he had this in him. It scared me. I judged him harshly for it and told him so. He didn't see it, blamed everything on her.

That's when i wondered, who is this guy? I mean, I always though he was sort of a good guy, I never knew he had something like that in him. I felt really bad for the girl he was seeing, because she seemed helpless in that situation (she was REALLY in love with him). I wanted to reach out to her but I didn't.

Anyway, shortly thereafter he was already dating the next girl, and so it went on.

Two weeks ago we went out for drinks and I paid for our drinks.
It was then, when he told me he will be moving away for two years (to the Middle East for work, we live in Western Europe). He said he will leave January 9th.
Whoa, I thought, that's intense.
Then, a few days ago, I texted him and asked if we can hang out again before he leaves. After all, we were good friends over the past years and it would be nice to say goodbye. He said yes, maybe the next day.
The next day I texted him and he said he couldn't cause he was on a date.

I asked him, why are you going on dates if you are moving away?
He didn't even reply, later just wrote "I don't need to justify to you who i go out with". I was shocked and stumped. I was simply just asking a question, because truth be told, if I were to move to the Middle East for two years, I would not start dating new people. I'd probably delete my dating apps and start packing, then trying to see everyone dear to me before I left.

Anyway, so I texted again a few days later and he said sure we can meet. That was three days ago. We met at a Pizza place. I asked him how his preparations for the move were going etc. And then when we sat down I said "this one's on you, right?" with a smirk. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, he started yelling at me. "I am not going to pay for your dinner, don't even think that, you have been nothing but rude to me lately."

I had to grin, I couldn't believe what i heard.
I said "Are you sure? I have been rude? To you?"
He went on "Decide what you want to eat already, I dont have all night"
I said "you know what, if you dont want to have dinner, why do you agree to meet?"
And he said "I didn't want to meet, you wanted to meet"
and I said "Ok, ok, so you are saying you didnt want to see me before your departure, for whatever reason, some resentment, some grudge you have but won't vocalize, go ahead, I am all ears"
And he said "You are just rude, I wont pay for your meal, and yeah, i wanted to see you, but i wasn't sure you wanted to see me"
IT DID NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. It was almost like he was on some weird drug or something.
I wasn't sure if I didn't recognize him, or if he had always been like this to some extent, and I just didn't realize.

The waiter came, and he placed his order.
I said "You know, with all that back and forth, and I have to admit I'm confused, I haven't been able to pick what I want to eat, just yet"

And he said "Hurry up, this is not my fault"

That's when I had enough. I stood up, in tears, and I said "After three years of friendship, after always being there for you, this is what I get. What's wrong with you? Do you hear yourself. Enjoy your dinner"
And I left.

I took a long walk, cried a bunch, and then the texts kept floating in.
He wrote a lot of terrible insults, but the worst one was:

"You are so terribly rude. You don't care about people. No wonder nobody wants to stay friends with you."

I have no idea what that's supposed to mean, to be honest. I wouldn't know what 'friends' he was referring to either.

He also wrote "I don't understand you, and I don't want to"

I ended up blocking him, there was no reasoning. I just told him that I don't need to be bullied out of a friendship.

I blocked him on FB, Instagram, Whatsapp. I deleted his number. I generally don't do things like that, but for a moment, I actually was scared of him.

Nothing from him after that. Gladly.

I am really frustrated and in agony about this. Something like this has never happened to me before. That evening, a friend of mine came over, someone who also knew him a bit (but was not friends with him), and he was so surprised to hear this. We concluded that I had probably just broken friendship with some sort of sociopath. I can't explain this to me otherwise.

Now, let one thing be said, I know I can be blunt, and I know I sometimes overstep my boundaries or say 'rude things' but that does not make me a terrible person or a bad friend. I have a handful of close friends who understand who I am and who accept me for who I am, as they know my flaws and also cherish how wonderful of a friend I can be. Because I am always there for my friends, and I accept them for who they are too. Nobody is perfect.

I know this guy was flawed but I still accepted him, as I saw the benefits of the positive aspects of his personality throughout the three years.

I just don't understand how someone can be like this, and then be so childish and resentful. But maybe I should have known last summer, when he verbally assaulted the girl he supposedly loved so much.

He is leaving to the Middle East on Monday (in 2 days). I actually thought maybe I write a letter and bring it to him or maybe i go to his house and ask if he wants to talk, to see if maybe he realizes he overreacted or so.
In the past, when he has lashed out like that, he always apologized later. But it seems he only did that to save his own ass. Not sure.
Either way, I'd probably only be doing that to have him admit he was wrong, not because I want to continue this friendship. That is definitely over...

I am very hurt.
heavenonearth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th January 2017, 2:55 PM   #2
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When you first meet people, especially ones who might take some interest in each other romantically, everyone is holding back and showing you what they think you want to see, pretending to be better than they are, not being honest.

Even then, he sounded like a messed up person to me, cold and insensitive.

Now he's on his way out of town, he has stopped editing himself and is showing you his true self.

Also, I am getting a whiff that he could be one of those who lets people pay for them and that's why he's with them at all. He could be just a user. Anyway, be glad he's gone. He's not a nice person. And keep him blocked. I was surprised you kept reaching out after he was rude with you before. Set some standards and don't encourage that behavior.
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th January 2017, 3:19 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
When you first meet people, especially ones who might take some interest in each other romantically, everyone is holding back and showing you what they think you want to see, pretending to be better than they are, not being honest.

Even then, he sounded like a messed up person to me, cold and insensitive.

Now he's on his way out of town, he has stopped editing himself and is showing you his true self.

Also, I am getting a whiff that he could be one of those who lets people pay for them and that's why he's with them at all. He could be just a user. Anyway, be glad he's gone. He's not a nice person. And keep him blocked. I was surprised you kept reaching out after he was rude with you before. Set some standards and don't encourage that behavior.

Usually he is the kind of person who insists on each person paying for themselves, although I invited him for drinks a few times, cooked for him at my house, etc. He never invited me, I asked him once in 3 years to pay for my dinner and he brought it up many times after that, even was upset about it, then again boasting himself for that. Anyway, you are right, I should have noted and realized that when he was so awful to the girl he was dating last summer (personally insulting her, telling her to eff off and making her feel bad for the fact that they weren't compatible).

So, for now, I will just try to let it go, but it is hard, because for a good while I trusted that person, and now I am almost scared of them.

It's been very frustrating to just live with the fact that that person is now gone and made such an ugly exit.
heavenonearth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th January 2017, 6:37 PM   #4
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Honestly, the guy just sounds cold, mean and petty. From what you wrote, I see nothing to recommend him.
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Old 7th January 2017, 7:01 PM   #5
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It won't be hard to find a better friend.

His behaviour towards you amounts to emotional violence.

Good riddance.


No contact.


*No direct contact.
*No sending or receiving of messages.
*Block any means he might use to contact you.
*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.
*No indirect contact through third parties.
*De-friend or delete him from all social media.
*No monitoring of him on social media.
*No 'little birds' feeding you news.
*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.


Take care.
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