Friend has been a celibate for years.

[Shanex]

One of my best friend, a former coworker from a previous job has been single forever. If memory serves for over 6 years now. It is not an issue I am having with him, but he himself is starting to crave for a girlfriend. He turns 40 next month, and has all going for him, a steady job, his own place and car, is in shape, not an alcoholic or a junkie..

 

The last girlfriend he has been with was right around the time we became friends back in 2010, they stayed together for a year. I remember that he liked that woman, but she loved him, being a pretty honest man he eventually found the courage to break up with her, in person, you know these moments are never fun for either party, but I recall that she wanted more commitment, and since she was the same age was wondering if they would ever have children (she never asked him bluntly, but there were undertones)...

 

This friend of mine out of his profession has a social circles, me and other friends he's had for years, too. Since we really open to each other about our lives, past girlfriends etc I gathered that he doesn't want children or marriage but why should that prevent him from finding a woman his age, not interested in commitment either, just a relationship, even a casual one.

 

I suggested he could use online dating without much success and I don't want to bug him with that every time we hang out together. When he go out with coworkers, or me for drinks, he's the super introvert timid type. He's a great guy, but maybe need space, otoh, he would be certainly happy with a woman for a while.

 

I've run out of options, and I realize that maybe he's happy alone and this might not be my business after all, some of us are like that. And the thought of ending as a bachelor cross our minds often, we joke about it a bit..

 

There's the odd adage that 'it happens when you least expect it', the woman he was with for a year was a beautiful encounter during a vacation, but despite the nice and romantic start of this relationship, he could not see himself with her for moving in together or having children, the whole thing.

 

Hell, from my point of view it won't change a thing about our friendship if he finds someone, I'd instead be happy for him..

 

Also, the longest someone has been single and honest about it the tougher it is to meet someone ie ''there must be something wrong with him'' when honestly I can't find him much flaws, at least not more than other people I know who are married..

 

Are some people just meant to be alone?

[Buddhist]

Are some people just meant to be alone?

 

Yes. Some people just have a low motivation to pair up. I'm one of them. If I happen to meet someone that I hit it off with, fine. But I'll never go looking for it nor even notice very much the absence of someone. For me, it could come down to a low drive for children (I have none) and really if you're not wanting kids then the last thing in the world you need in your life is someone who desperately does. It's a fundamental mismatch. It's also quite annoying when your friends, family acquaintances all insist you need a partner when you might feel a very low need for that, or none at all.

 

I know it's incomprehensible to some people that a person will not feel the same desire to pair up as they do. Someone people feel it's a need equivalent to housing or food. But it's actually not. In the old days if you were a person like this you became a monk, priest, druid or whatever. In every society, throughout the entire history of mankind there have always been a certain subset of individuals who never engaged in the breeding program for their societies. The only difference now is, there isn't a defined job out there for those people anymore. Instead you're just seen as dysfunctional by the majority who do have a mating drive and like to judge you for it.

[Shanex]

Buddhist, yes. I'm talking about a close friend of mine here but this is also somehow related to my situation, and also yours as you aptly put it. Through different period of history I think however that life-long celibate like me (well I've been in relationship but never marriage and I am also childless) have always been judged in a way by others for being bachelor or Bachelorette or the most idiotic people assuming we were ''gay'' (like it would be a bad thing).

 

Now, it is clear that I am aging too and I am having less and less in common with people married with children even though we still text every other months. Personally, I don't hate either children or women at all. But the realization to put it simply that it may not be something for me is established.

[loverboy69]

For all you know he might be soliciting sex every night on Craigslist.

 

Sometimes men with sexual addictions are never successful with relationships.

 

I'm not saying he leads a double life but most men need physical sex with another person. Masturbating to porn gets old.

 

Does he ever talk about an active sex life despite not having a SO?

[Shanex]

For all you know he might be soliciting sex every night on Craigslist.

 

Sometimes men with sexual addictions are never successful with relationships.

 

I'm not saying he leads a double life but most men need physical sex with another person. Masturbating to porn gets old.

 

Does he ever talk about an active sex life despite not having a SO?

 

I can't tell if he has a sex addiction but like any long celibate, yes he's into porn every other evening. We have also discussed this a bit. Not much taboos between us.

 

However, no maybe this is TMI, but as he told me he hasn't had any sexual activity since all these years, and I know he isn't lying. So I agree that masturbation and porn after a while is terribly redundant.

[Buddhist]

For what it's worth Shanex, I had it in my mind to become a monk from about 8yrs old. I have no idea where that came from but I've had a fascination with that kind of life ever since. I was late to develop a sex life, never really became all that attached to it while it was present. My fascination with it was short-lived. I'm now once again attracted to the celibate lifestyle more keenly than ever.

 

Some of us just don't have the urge that others do. Yes, yes I know all people with a penis are supposed to prize sex above all else. I never saw evidence of that within my relationships at all. Often I think western culture just over-hypes sex, making it out to be far more important than it is. That it's somehow a sign of manhood or not how much you are willing to prioritise sex in your life. The over-sexualisation of our culture is a very unhealthy dynamic that only serves to demean both genders, reducing them both to walking genitals.

[Shanex]

For what it's worth Shanex, I had it in my mind to become a monk from about 8yrs old. I have no idea where that came from but I've had a fascination with that kind of life ever since. I was late to develop a sex life, never really became all that attached to it while it was present. My fascination with it was short-lived. I'm now once again attracted to the celibate lifestyle more keenly than ever.

 

Some of us just don't have the urge that others do. Yes, yes I know all people with a penis are supposed to prize sex above all else. I never saw evidence of that within my relationships at all. Often I think western culture just over-hypes sex, making it out to be far more important than it is. That it's somehow a sign of manhood or not how much you are willing to prioritise sex in your life. The over-sexualisation of our culture is a very unhealthy dynamic that only serves to demean both genders, reducing them both to walking genitals.

 

Unfortunately men can be very sexually driven, and I know that women are too, from experience (had my share of horny women, I'm sure you're shocked, and I know you read the sexual subforum of LS as an evidence)

 

It would make my life much easier to have a lower libido, I don't pursue women a lot, or not at all and neither does my friend who triggered the thread.. but in a way or another I'm hoping for my sex drive to subside a bit, and I know it will later in life. I'm not quite done with the opposite gender, but I don't see them either a walking genitals, I have my own dirty thought in summer when women are light clothed but try to keep a cool head, and move on with my day...

 

Western culture is clearly sex oriented if not obsessed, see any movies, TV series, jokes and entertainment, medias. It's everywhere. Ironically, I'm sure that it is in our decadent societies that we have on average fewer sexual activities.. lower birthrate, and many of us living an isolated life to a degree.

 

I'm wandering a bit now. But thank you for reading and replying.

[Herbalist]

I think casual stuff is easier to find/get when people are younger. As far as if the main interest is sexual pleasure and sharing some laughs, but nothing serious like a deeper emotional connection, living together and commitment etc. Most of us humans become less attractive as we get older. It's just the way it is. So if you are becoming less attractive but only want a FWB (which means that all you have to offer is to be FWB), then it will be that much more difficult to get the type of partner you seek.

 

I don't really see it as a karma sort of thing, like a, "Oh you should have settled down when you were younger and you shouldn't be so shallow, now you are doomed to be Forever Alone and it's all your fault!" sort of thing. I mean to each their own, you know. The only thing that is ethically wrong is being dishonest about your intentions as a way to use people, and your friend was honest about his intentions when the woman he was dating said she wanted a more serious relationship. He didn't lie to her in order to use her for sex or anything. So intentions are not good/bad but being honest about intentions is what is important.

 

But still even we don't pass any kind of uppity judgement on people who just want casual flings, the reality remains that for most, attracting a FWB becomes more difficult as we grow older, if we are only really offering sex for the most part, but we are less sexually attractive. Like Person A has no reason to bother with people they don't find sexually attractive, both more attractive people have better options, etc. It just is what it is.

[Mumbles]

Unfortunately men can be very sexually driven, and I know that women are too, from experience (had my share of horny women, I'm sure you're shocked, and I know you read the sexual subforum of LS as an evidence)

 

For the longest time, historically, women were perceived as being the sexual beings of the two genders. The currently accepted norm, of men being horny beasts with women simply putting up with it is a relatively recent phenomena - perhaps 200-300 years or so. There are myriad historical reasons why we've flipped this notion on its head, but its well worth pondering that the current situation is not at all the norm for us as a species.

 

It would make my life much easier to have a lower libido, I don't pursue women a lot, or not at all and neither does my friend who triggered the thread.. but in a way or another I'm hoping for my sex drive to subside a bit, and I know it will later in life.

 

Don't hold your breath on that one I'm nearly 50 and no sign of things dropping off desire wise. In fact, I've probably a higher libido now than when I was 20. I don't have the same stamina, thats a certainty, but stamina and desire are not the same thing (mores the pity)

[preraph]

If people are really happy with themselves, they are also happy enough alone, enough so that they aren't tempted to settle for less.