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I'm surrounded by judgmental people! Help!


90s kid

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I’ve been working on being a more vulnerable person. I want to establish closer friendships and have people in my life that I can turn to when I need someone to talk to. However, I’ve been burned recently with peoplethat I told something to and then they turned around and judged me or criticized me for what I told them. That makes me never want to confide in them again. If they can be so judgmental about the small, insignificant things thatI tell them, I can’t imagine how judgmental they would be if I told them something really big.

 

 

 

  • Friend #1- Takes the simplest thing or even a positive thing and makes me feel bad about it. If I tell her that I like to organize my closet or create itineraries when I travel, she tells me that I’m OCD and that it’s ridiculous and over the top to be that organized. When I told her that I never want to own a pet, she tells me that I “have no heart” and that I’m an animal hater. I’ve told her many times that I don’t hate animals at all, I just don’t want the responsibility of owning one, she shrugs that off and continues to make “jokes” but how cruel and unloving I am.

  • Friend #2- Notices every little detail about the people around her—what you’re wearing, how you wear your hair, the car you drive, etc… She told to me the other day about her co-worker who wears the same shoes every day. She even snapped a picture of her co-worker when she wasn’t looking so she could make fun of her behind her back. This “friend” is constantly commenting on the attractiveness level of other people-calling them fat or ugly. She feels like as long as the person doesn’t hear her say it, then it’s not mean. Ironically, this “friend” is very overweight herself.

  • Friend #3- She’s a nice person but very rigid and conservative in the way she runs her life and has a superiority complex over people who don’t have the same attitudes and beliefs. She’s very proud of the fact that she exercises regularly, eats extremely healthy, never watchesTV, only watches documentaries, never listens to the radio, she only listens to emo singer/songwriters and obscure bands. I feel like I can’t be myself around her because if I eat a slice of pizza in front of her or watch TV, she makes snarky comments about it.
     

It’s probably no coincidence that all of those friends have told me that they are EXTREMELY insecure people with low self-esteem.

Thankfully, I have a few people in my life that I feel comfortable sharing with, but the list is getting smaller and smaller. As I’ve started to open up to people, the judgmental people have really revealed themselves.

 

 

Has anyone else experienced this? I’m struggling withwhether I should cut these people out of my life or if I should continue to befriends with them but be careful about confiding in them.

Edited by 90s kid
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People are flawed. Stand up to any that are out of line. But if you were very secure yourself, what they think wouldn't bother you quite as much. If you're never told them that what they say even about other people bothers you, then they think you approve, so tell them in a nonconfrontational manner and right then when they say something you disagree with.

 

Like the overweight one criticizing how someone dresses, I mean, just because she's overweight doesn't mean she doesn't get to have an opinion on that, but if you find it offensive, tell her you think she's too judgmental and that none of us, including her, is perfect.

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People are flawed. Stand up to any that are out of line. But if you were very secure yourself, what they think wouldn't bother you quite as much. If you're never told them that what they say even about other people bothers you, then they think you approve, so tell them in a nonconfrontational manner and right then when they say something you disagree with.

 

Like the overweight one criticizing how someone dresses, I mean, just because she's overweight doesn't mean she doesn't get to have an opinion on that, but if you find it offensive, tell her you think she's too judgmental and that none of us, including her, is perfect.

 

Thanks for your response. I definitely let people know when they say something to me that I find insulting or judgmental. Usually they back pedal or apologize, but it happens again next time.

 

I pointed out the friend who calls people ugly and fat when she herself is overweight because I think it's hypocritical. I'm sure it would hurt her feelings if someone said those things about her. She should empathize. It goes far beyond her just giving an opinion about how others dress, she can be malicious and mean. I have told her that I disagree with the way she talks about people. She thinks that as long as that person can't hear her, it's fine.

 

I think of myself as a fairly secure person. My concern is that I'm opening myself up to people that aren't truly my friends and that they're more interested in judging me than they are supporting or encouraging me. I don't want to be friends with people like that.

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Well, just pick and choose your friends. Generally, people who frequently find fault with others have some self-esteem issues themselves and they are tearing people down so they can momentarily feel better about themselves.

 

I don't know how long your friend has been fat, but if it's been since childhood, she will have had a lot of bullying about it. When bullied or abused, people will either have empathy and decide they'll never do that to another person OR they learn not to have empathy because no one had it with them and they themselves become a bully or abuser.

 

She may be reaching to find something she can pride herself on. Since it can't be her body, then maybe she likes to think she dresses better than someone. Petty? Yes. But if she grew up fat and bullied, she also deserves some empathy. I agree with her a little bit in that as long as she's not saying mean things to people or that will get back to them, it's not as bad as if she were. There is no doubt that a lot of people enjoy gossiping about other people to their friends. But if it offends you, just let her know you don't like that side of her and don't want any part of it.

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I’ve been working on being a more vulnerable person. I want to establish closer friendships and have people in my life that I can turn to when I need someone to talk to. However, I’ve been burned recently with peoplethat I told something to and then they turned around and judged me or criticized me for what I told them. That makes me never want to confide in them again. If they can be so judgmental about the small, insignificant things thatI tell them, I can’t imagine how judgmental they would be if I told them something really big.

 

 

 

  • Friend #1- Takes the simplest thing or even a positive thing and makes me feel bad about it. If I tell her that I like to organize my closet or create itineraries when I travel, she tells me that I’m OCD and that it’s ridiculous and over the top to be that organized. When I told her that I never want to own a pet, she tells me that I “have no heart” and that I’m an animal hater. I’ve told her many times that I don’t hate animals at all, I just don’t want the responsibility of owning one, she shrugs that off and continues to make “jokes” but how cruel and unloving I am.

  • Friend #2- Notices every little detail about the people around her—what you’re wearing, how you wear your hair, the car you drive, etc… She told to me the other day about her co-worker who wears the same shoes every day. She even snapped a picture of her co-worker when she wasn’t looking so she could make fun of her behind her back. This “friend” is constantly commenting on the attractiveness level of other people-calling them fat or ugly. She feels like as long as the person doesn’t hear her say it, then it’s not mean. Ironically, this “friend” is very overweight herself.

  • Friend #3- She’s a nice person but very rigid and conservative in the way she runs her life and has a superiority complex over people who don’t have the same attitudes and beliefs. She’s very proud of the fact that she exercises regularly, eats extremely healthy, never watchesTV, only watches documentaries, never listens to the radio, she only listens to emo singer/songwriters and obscure bands. I feel like I can’t be myself around her because if I eat a slice of pizza in front of her or watch TV, she makes snarky comments about it.
     

It’s probably no coincidence that all of those friends have told me that they are EXTREMELY insecure people with low self-esteem.

Thankfully, I have a few people in my life that I feel comfortable sharing with, but the list is getting smaller and smaller. As I’ve started to open up to people, the judgmental people have really revealed themselves.

 

 

Has anyone else experienced this? I’m struggling withwhether I should cut these people out of my life or if I should continue to befriends with them but be careful about confiding in them.

 

Just from this brief post, it sounds like you are a bit of a wounded bird magnet. To feel better about themselves, they have to be critical of others or make you feel there is something *wrong* with you. I've had too many friends like that. One former friend has many issues, but she was in special education classes all through school and this made her feel inferior to everyone. She always had to have a leg up on people, to somehow be better than the ones she was with. Most of her friends were also special ed and they were always struggling for money since they are stuck with minimum wage or just a touch more than minimum wage jobs. My former friend has a trust fund. She would be over the top generous with everyone else, but me she would nickel and dime. She always had time for everyone else, but me she would ignore calls and text from.

 

I'm smarter than she is, I'm more educated than she is, I've traveled more than she has, I make more money than she does and I spend it wiser than she does. After her third divorce and poaching her supposed best friend's husband she lost the last bit of leverage - she had always held herself above me as a "better" Christian" because she attended church much more frequently than I did. She kicked me to the curb to woo her new man. Eventually she startd texting me and I knew it was to gloat about her new man. I shut her down, burned that bridge and told her I was done.

 

Several years ago I had another friend who had spent most of her teens and adult life being awful with money. Her parents always bailed her out. We were mid 30s and she was forced to move back home and I had just purchased a house that was more than a starter, but 40 years old and needed some work. She came over once or twice a week. EVERY time she came over she had to comment, "God, I just hate the color of your kitchen." Or "That's just awful, when are you going to paint that." My respnses were usually short and non comittal. Finally after about 20 times, I snapped. I asked her what color the kitchen was in her house. She told me the color of her parents house. I reminded her that wasn't her house and she had told me PLENTY of times how she didn't like the color. I also explained to her there were more pressing matters with a 40 year old house than the paint in one room.

 

It sounds to me that these three friends aren't making your life better and they make you question yourself.

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