Questioning friendship: My Best-friends Ex-Boyfriend Called me [names]

[mssweet]

My best friend and I were out at a local bar two weekends ago. Her ex-boyfriend happened to show up, and they bumped into each other in the parking lot outside of the bar as we were leaving.

 

When he saw her, they got into a confrontation (long story). Basically, he didn’t want her to drive home by herself because he thought she was drunk (she wasn’t). He just wanted to be in control.

 

He aggressively took her car keys away. My friend was hysterical crying and I told him that I didn’t trust him driving her home the way he was acting (plus on top of that, he’s been battling heroin addiction (he’s been to rehab) and he has been physically and verbally abusive to her in the past). Anyway, he flipped out on me when I said that, screaming at me in the parking lot, calling me a [name] to my face several times. I’ve never felt so disrespected in my life. My friend slapped him in the face. After that, my friend and I went straight home.

 

So, this is what makes this situation extra ****ty. My best friend and this guy have a 2-year-old daughter together, so there is really no escaping him. Since that night she said that they are not together anymore, (but she has broken up and got back together with him many times). However, I saw on Facebook that she spent the day with him and their daughter at an amusement park just a few days after the incident at the bar. They are suddenly on friendly terms, I see her tagging him on funny Facebook posts and what not. I’m so turned off to this, that I’m starting to question my friendship with her. If the tables were turned, I would have been mortified if the father of my child called one of my friends or anyone close to me [such names].

 

Am I overacting? I never want to be around her ex again, and I know that might be hard to avoid because they have a child. But how can I continue a friendship (of 18 years ) with her when she so easily forgives him for being so verbally aggressive/abusive to not only herself but ME as well. I feel I'll always have that in the back of my mind when we hangout.

Edited September 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[pteromom]

She isn't thinking rationally. Abusers manipulate their victims...that's why she stays. He has her convinced somehow that she can't be without him. Could be financial, or that he "loves her and promises to be better" or that he's taught her to not trust her own perception of reality.

 

So her going back to him isn't an attack on YOU. It's not choosing him over you. He's just got her fooled.

 

There's no right or wrong answer here. It would be understandable if she goes back that you tell her that you love her and simply can't watch her mess up her whole life for this jerk, and you have to let go to protect your own sanity. It would also be understandable to refuse to stop fighting for your friend and to try to get her to leave once and for all.

 

It depends on you and what is best for you.

[darkmoon]

the life of a single mom, day by day, is not that great, she might want him back, they might get together for the child, stay quiet, she might just prefer him to you, as seems the case

[stillafool]

She did slap him in the face when he called you that name. Are you saying because he called you [names] she should bar him from seeing her and their child ever again?

Edited September 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JewelD]

Drop her. If she's okay with being with a man who disrespects her and her friends, you don't want to be a part of that.

 

Him being the father of her child is irrelevant. There's plenty of people who co-parent without having outings and relationships with their ex. The reasons why she's decided to do this are irrelevant. You're not going to change her mind and she's probably not going to give up on him for a long time, if ever.

 

Just tell her she can reach out to you when she gets her life together. You don't have to fight her battles for her but if you continue being friends, there's a good chance you will encounter her ex again and things might get worse. You don't want to get in the middle of a dysfunctional couple. If it comes down to you or him, she's going to choose him.

[preraph]

He's mad at you because in his mind, you're all that's standing between him and getting next to her again. He's vile and a heroin addict has no business telling a drunk what to do, but she's been putting up with this for years, and you probably can't change that because she's like that, plus has a child. He will try as hard as he can to push all her friends out of her life so he can control her. And if she just lets him, not much you can do. Be sure she knows how strongly you feel about how stupid she's being before you bow out, if it comes to that.