What is going on with this person???????

[anne1208]

I had a friend for about 7 years who seemed nice and happy go lucky at first but then over time i noticed she seemed to kind of hate everyone. She said her college sorority people would all judge her too harshly for her promiscuity/drug habits in college. She got married to some guy shortly thereafter and I met her in 2008 when she and her husband moved to my city. She would complain constantly about her mother being crazy. Also, complain that her stepmom was too overbearing in that she wanted to visit and talk on the phone often. Her inlaws live in Europe and would visit twice a year and it was a huge dramatic deal and she couldnt stop complaining about how awful they were and how much she hated them. When i finally met them they were the nicest, most easy going people (like my friend's husband). She even was on twitter a few days into their staying at her 3000 s.f. house in the guest room, saying that these people were overwhelming her and "needed to be taken out with the trash". When we visited her when they were in town she pulled me and two other gfs in another room to go off about them, complaining they "just wanted to sit around and watch TV," they "made the guest bath smell when they took poops", etc. I was struggling to find a real issue with these people.

 

She also lived in the same neighborhood for seven years, and hated all her neighbors. She always felt they were against her - judging her for working versus being a stay at home wife, etc.. She'd say they were all crazy and meddling. she hated all her coworkers, too. i heard about them all constantly.

 

Then she had a baby in winter, 2015 and her one non-mutual friend Theresa came over (one of the few friends of hers outside of me and my two other close gfs), and gave her some really mild tip about the diaper genie. When theresa left, my friend texted me that she HATED this woman for trying to tell her how to parent and she never wants to speak to her again. in fall, 2015 i was busy/sick and had to miss a couple things this friend and our other two gfs went to together. Apparently my friend was getting increasingly nasty toward my friend Sarah, being snotty, making snide comments, etc. Then somehow she had some huge blowout with Sarah and told her she never wanted to speak to her again. I found out what it was all about and it was nothing that was a big deal, it seemed like a disproportionate reaction to Sarah who really is the nicest person.

 

So then my friend stopped coming to all the group parties/events my mutual friends and I were doing together through the fall and winter, and would always make up excuses, though I knew she was avoiding Sarah. I really figured it would blow over and she would start showing up again. In the meantime, she just kind of disappeared and never invited or reached out to me or my other friend Kaitlen either.

 

When her inlaws visited in the fall she wouldnt let them hold her child bc she was afraid they would drop him. Her husband is kind of a pushover so rather than overriding her opinion he merely looked at his mom and dad and said "sorry". The mother in law, in front of my friend goes, "it's okay she is who she is." My friend went upstairs and texted me that she couldnt believe her MIL said THAT. (i.e. she is who she is). shes like what does THAT MEAN?! and went off about how her MIL is a huge "C**t". She then proceeded to avoid and not speak to her in laws for the remaining three days they were in town before they flew back to europe.

 

She would talk to me on snapchat in the fall constantly about her problems, and i stopped responding after she went to a neighborhood christmas party and texted me that the women there were "so friendly and dont even know me" and said, "i cant trust people who are THIS friendly to someone they dont even know." I was so irritated/creeped out by that comment that at that point i figured okay im gonna stop being her sounding board, i want to hang out with her in person but ive had enough of her snapchat convos, so i deleted snapchat. Since that was the only thing where she talked to me, once i deleted it we stopped with the chit chat.

 

Finally when i invited her to my housewarming party in the winter over text message, i gave her 6 dates and the option of evenings or daytime, and was literally going to pick the time she and her husband/son could make it and then plan around that. She said "none" of those worked but she would be happy to hang out another time. So after that I gave up and just had my other friends over.

 

Fast forward to june, she texts me one day asking why i avoid her and never speak to her. I said i have been, and mentioned the seven events i invited her to between october and March, and said it was she i hadnt heard from, but that she should come out with all of us soon - we were going to the waterpark one of the upcoming weekends (me, kaitlen, sarah). She didnt respond for awhile and then finally sends me this novel saying okay find heres the thing Sarah did XYZ to me and its "so traumatic i can barely even type it." she is an "awful, shady person, and i hate her and i regfuse to be around her."

 

I explained that i knew about what she was talking about and that level of reaction made no sense to me, that our friend didnt mean to upset her and truly didnt betray her in any way. She finally admitted that she may have misunderstood the situation. So i go okay great so do you want to go out with us? she said no, she still hates Sarah and sarah mistreats her and tells her how to parent (she literally saw sarah twice in 2015 between having a baby and telling her never to speak to her again).

 

So then this friend told me that I was "starting drama" and "why are you bringing sarah into this i just wanted to see what you were up to" to which i pointed out i hadnt heard from her in like 7, 8 months, and SHE texted ME and quickly brought up sarah when i was just trying to get her to hang out with us, that i had NO interest in hearing about or talking about her issues with yet another person. She stopped responding.

 

Later that day I opened Pinterest and noticed in my "newsfeed" of pins from pinners I follow that this friend after our convo pinned a slew of quotes about people mistreating you, about someone making everything about themselves, about remembering to stay away from people that arent open minded and peaceful, etc. - like, all these quotes that made it seem like she seems like this peaceful, nice person who's been victimized. I then opened her quotes board and realized shes been pinning quotes like this since september - the exact week she and my friend Sarah had their falling out. Literally, like, 300 quotes.

 

Since then i havent heard from her and not two, almost three months later shes still pinning quotes about being mistreated and we haven't spoken.

 

I just wish somebody could explain to me what this is. She literally pushes everyone away. She runs extremely hot and cold with people, and it's NEVER her fault. Simple "people are different" type dynamics cause her to look at a situation as if that person is terrible and mistreating her and intolerable. she doesnt seem to want to get along with people, except for a bare minimum to keep from people completely alone. My friend Kaitlen who she never really tried much with in our 6, 7 years of friendship? Suddenly she is calling and texting her and laying it on really thick with her, and kaitlen is a very nice, compassionate person and feels bad for her so shes been hanging out with her. Why is she acting like this? I dont think i could salvage this friendship with this person bc its just been one thing after another with her. She seems to want to sabotage every relationship and chalk it up to the other person being a jerk. I dont get it!!!!

[Downtown]

I just wish somebody could explain to me what this is.

Anne, the psychiatric community has developed names for all types of human behaviors, including those you are describing. Specifically, you seem to be describing the behavioral symptoms (i.e., warning signs) for STPD (Schizotypal Personality Disorder), AvPD (Avoidant PD), and BPD (Borderline PD). Because these labels describe only behaviors -- not separate diseases -- it is common for a person exhibiting one PD to exhibit others as well. Indeed, a recent large-scale study found that the vast majority of folks having one PD also suffer from one or two other PDs too.

 

I caution that STPD, AvPD, and BPD are not something (like chickenpox) that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, they are spectrum disorders, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of these PD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your friend exhibits PD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong PD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list of behavioral symptoms. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

Why is she acting like this?

If your friend really does exhibit strong PD traits, her emotional development likely was frozen in early childhood. Nobody knows, however, what caused that to occur. The psychiatric community is still unable to truly "diagnose" a PD -- not in the way that term is used in all other scientific fields. When a psychologist claims to have "diagnosed" someone as having a PD, he only means he has determined that the behavioral symptoms are severe and persistent.

 

In every field of the medical sciences, however, "diagnosis" does NOT occur by simply telling you the severity or persistence of your symptoms. On the contrary, whenever you visit a medical doctor, he almost always will rely on YOU to provide that information. This is why the very first thing he will ask you is what symptoms you've been experiencing, how severe they are, and how long they have been occurring.

 

Hence, when a medical doctor gives you a diagnosis, he is not describing your symptoms. Likewise, when an auto mechanic is diagnosing your car's problems, he is not describing symptoms. Rather, those professionals are telling you what CAUSES the symptoms you described to them.

 

For several decades, psychologists tried unsuccessfully to diagnose like the rest of the scientific community but, in 1980, they gave up and adopted a new approach (DSM-III) which identifies only the symptoms themselves. The current theory, which remains unproven, is that these PDs likely arise from some combination of genetics and early childhood environment.

 

She literally pushes everyone away. She runs extremely hot and cold with people, and it's NEVER her fault.

You describe a woman who categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and who will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other in just ten seconds, based solely on a minor comment. This behavior is called "black-white thinking." Significantly, this is how ALL people behave when they are young children.

 

I mention this because, if your friend exhibits strong and persistent traits of the 3 PDs I mentioned, her emotional development likely was frozen at the level of a four year old. She therefore is fully reliant on the ego defenses available to your children: e.g., denial, projection, black-white thinking, magical thinking, and temper tantrums.

 

She seems to want to sabotage every relationship and chalk it up to the other person being a jerk. I don't get it!!!!

If your friend has strong traits of one of those 3 PDs, she does not consciously want to push friends away. The "sabotage," as you call it, likely occurs entirely at the subconscious level. With STPD, AvPD and BPD, the result will be that she pushes all her friends away eventually.

 

With STPD, that push-away stems primarily from paranoia. With AvPD and BPD, however, that push-away primarily arises from negative judgments about one's own self (i.e., low self esteem or self loathing). I also note that, with strong BPD traits, you would be seeing strong emotional instability and an inability to regulate her own emotions. If you did not see such instability over the past 7 years, you were NOT seeing a strong pattern of BPD behavior. If you would like to read about BPD traits, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs.

Edited August 27, 2016 by Downtown

[anne1208]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and your thorough and thoughtful reply. I had seen signs of this instability in my friend over the years, as it infiltrated ever aspect of her life with the exception of our close friend circle of four women. I was actually quietly waiting and wondering if I or another of us would ever get on her bad side. When my friend Sarah came to me and told me what happened in the fall, she was very careful not to badmouth the friend and told me she was shocked at how shes been frozen out. I told her that admittedly I had seen signs of this sort of behavior in our friend over the years and was kind of waiting for it to happen but hoping it wouldn't. I also told her that hopefully she will get over it and calm down, but obviously she stood strong in her position and now niether sarah nor I speak to the friend.

 

Kaitlen I think feels bad for her a bit, and also being not as close with her over the years doesnt probably understand the tumultuous emotional history of our friend as much, so she is making an effort with the woman still. I believe our (now ex) friend still needs support, though i am not sure what kind, so it's good that kaitlen is being there for her. I feel so sad and disappointed it went this way, though i am not the least bit surprised. I had to unfollow her on Pinterest bc the constant pinning of woe is me/im so mistreated-themed quotes was driving me crazy.

 

Thanks again, I will look into some of the PD stuff you mentioned to see if it could shed a little more light on everything for me. I doubt ill ever feel up for rekindling the friendship but I'd still like to understand what the heck may be going on.

[SpiralOut]

She sounds extremely insecure. She's not likely to consider changing (if she ever does) until or unless she has pushed away everyone, and she ends up alone... and that's because she won't tolerate people who disagree with anything she says or does.

Edited August 31, 2016 by SpiralOut