Well then. I guess we aren't friends anymore.

[SpiralOut]

So I've been friends for over 20 years with this woman. Growing up, we were next-door neighbours. After highschool, we each moved away from home to different cities for university. We grew distant during that time, but still met up whenever we both came back to our hometown for holidays. After we each graduated from school, we continued to live in different cities. We've visited each other a few times over the past 5 years or so and continued to meet for breakfast during holidays weekends.

 

The visits and the holiday meetups grew less frequent when she got her first serious boyfriend. Before this guy, all her relationships lasted 6 months or less. In fact, she has always been very private about her love life. Our mutual friends/aquaintences have always asked me about it, as they never knew anything about it. I didn't know much either. I just left her alone about it, as I figured she would open up whenever she felt like it. She eventually opened up to me about it maybe 4-5 years ago, around the same time that my serious relationship exploded in my face. She was there for me when I needed to talk to someone. I guess hearing all of that made her feel safe confiding in me.

 

Anyway, I can't help but notice that she has become more and more distant around the same time that she got a serious relationship. At first I figured she was busy with her life and enjoying herself, so I didn't think too much of it. I will admit that it hurt that we didn't talk as much, but I didn't make a big deal about it. She would sometimes initiate text messages around the holidays to see if I would be in town, and we would meet up if we were both home. Sometimes she wouldn't visit because she'd be with her bf and his family, which is understandable. I've met him a couple of times and I'm not a huge fan, but he seems like a decent enough person. Her other friends strongly dislike him.

 

 

I became more concerned when I heard that her bf has a drinking problem. I don't know if he's an alcoholic, but she did want him to drink less because he is a "really mean drunk," as she put it. I also knew they were fighting a lot. She had concerns about moving in with him. I held a neutral position and mostly just listened. They ended up moving in together. At that point, they had been dating about 2 years.

 

The past few holidays we didn't meet up or even bother to try. She would sometimes take 3-4 weeks (or longer!) to respond to text messages that I sent her. And I didn't text her often, in case anyone is wondering. I started putting in less effort. Surprise surprise, I hardly heard from her at all after that. I didn't feel like trying anymore. I left the ball in her court.

 

So for about 1 year they lived together. Then a couple months ago she texted me to say "sorry I took so long to respond to your message. I'm having problems with [bf] right now." They were still fighting all the time. He decided to move out of the house for 1 month so he could think about the relationship and decide if he wanted to continue with it or not. She was really upset, so we talked about it. Afterwards she thanked me for listening.

 

About a week after that conversation, I texted her to ask how she was doing. No response. I waited another 3-4 weeks or however long it was, then texted her again. I thought maybe the text didn't go through. No response to that either. It has now been at least a month since I last messaged her and I haven't received anything from her. I don't know if this means that we have grown apart and that I should let the friendship go. Or does it mean that she has put up her walls again and doesn't want to talk about things?

 

I know that her bf(exbf?) was really mean to his last ex-gf after they had broken up. I hope he's not doing the same thing to my friend. If we even are still friends, I mean. I try to be patient and understanding, but I can only do that up to a certain point. Right now I am just leaving her alone and waiting to see if she initiates contact around Thanksgiving or Christmas. If not, then screw this I'm done. If she does contact me, I'll probably tell her how I feel. I understand being busy, or feeling too overwhelmed to want to talk to people, but it hurts to be completely shut out. I mean is it really so hard to find 5 minutes to say "I'm dealing with a lot of stuff right now, I'll message you in a few months when I feel better"? Or something like that?

 

Hopefully this post is coherent. I just wanted to get that all off my chest. I used to consider her to be one of my best friends, and now I don't know what we are. I don't even want to care anymore, but I do.

Edited August 14, 2016 by SpiralOut

[MomLeslieM]

Wow...I'd be a bit afraid that not only is bf an alcoholic but also controlling of her -- she may not have had access to her phone to text you back or he may have told her not to. Is there anyone near where she now lives that could check on her? Why don't you try to call her directly instead of just texting?

[preraph]

People in abusive relationships often cut off their friends because it's the path of least resistance with their partner. He will get mad about everything, so she avoids everything. She's chosen to stay with an abusive drunk.

 

If you are texting her and you are a male (?), then that's probably putting his antennae up every time, too. Stop texting if she doesn't text back. Let her know you're there if she ever needs you but tell her one last time you're afraid her lack of response isn't good and you don't want to make the situation worse, but to holler if she needs you.

[SpiralOut]

Yes, I am concerned that there is more going on than she is telling me about. She does have two close friends living in her area, so I figure they are looking out for her. I have no idea if he is the controlling type. I know she has kept in touch with her family the entire time she has dated him, so I don't think he has tried to isolate her. This is just speculation, though. I really don't know.

 

I haven't called her because I used to do that, and I almost always got her voicemail. She works crazy hours at her job. I don't want to come across as a drama queen or being overly worried. But maybe I will try to call her anyway.

 

I re-read my first post, and I can see now that I took it all too personally. Still, it is frustrating that she's so difficult to reach. I feel pretty useless.

 

Oh, and I'm a female. And I haven't ever talked badly about her bf. I decided a long time ago that I should stay neutral, otherwise she may avoid telling me anything that happens. And she mentioned that he has anxiety and takes medication for it. She admitted that he wouldn't want her to tell me (or anybody) about it. I guess she needed to talk to someone, and I have my own anxiety/depression issues, so I get it. She has kept it a secret from her two friends because she's worried it will make them dislike him even more. I don't know if that is at all relevant to the situation, but I may as well mention it.

Edited August 16, 2016 by SpiralOut

[SpiralOut]

Just an update to say I heard back from her several months ago. She told me that after breaking up with her bf, they got back together again, then officially broke up. He moved out of the house. She apologized for not responding sooner and said it had been a difficult time. I asked her if there is a good time/day that I could call her so we could catch up over the phone. No response. I haven't heard back from her at all. At Christmas, she didn't text me like she normally does. I didn't text her either, as the ball is obviously in her court.

 

I guess we have just grown apart. Or maybe she is still carrying on with this guy and is too embarrassed to admit it. I know that he can be cruel to his ex-girlfriends (she told me this at the start of their relationship, and I saw it as a big red flag). So yeah, hopefully things are okay. I am done trying. There's nothing else I can do. Just posting this to vent. It hurts to have pretty much lost my oldest and closest friend.

[truthsister]

I have a close friend like that, well what is really close though. Just because you have known someone for that long. You may know of her now, but not know who she is now. And when someone doesn't respond back in a text, its not it didn't go through, they chose not to answer you. If somneone apologize to me they didn't answer and we are supposed to be good friends, that is a huge red flag and the truth is you are not as close as you really think. People grow apart.