My roommate/friend situation has taken a drastic turn for the worst..

[MissTrudy]

Around this time last year, I moved to a new city for work, where a good friend from college lives, and because she was also looking for a roommate, we elected to sign a lease together on an awesome apartment.

 

Overall, she has been a great roommate, but the only problem I have is that all communication is when it's convenient for her, and if I don't ask her something in person, it will take days (even weeks) for her to respond to me, even though we live in the same house. She stays in her room, is always on the phone when she's home, or is always running out of the door.

 

She has been going back and forth about moving out ever since we moved in together. We had two 6 month leases instead of a 12 month lease because of this, and she literally decided to renew the 6 month lease right before I signed the copy that only had my name on it (I called her while she was boarding a plane to let her know I was signing and to check in one last time, at which point she told me that she wanted to stay but forgot to tell me and the landlord earlier). Almost two weeks after she signed the second lease, she started talking about how she was going to move before the lease ends. It has been annoying, but not the end of the world for me as I could afford to rent the whole place out by myself so it's not like I was searching for roommates, and had she moved out, I was intending to live there by myself. Having her as a roommate saves me a lot of money though, and for her sake and mine, I wanted both of us on the lease so that both of our rights to the apartment are protected (this becomes important now...)

 

But now the problems have started. My work requires extended travel abroad so I asked the landlord for a new 1 year lease 2 months before the current lease expires this month (I was going to be out of the country up until the day before the current lease expires so I wanted to make sure I had a place when I came back). She was well aware of this as I included her in all conversations (verbal and email), but she kept telling me that she was going to move back to the city she's from at the end of the summer. I kept making sure before I asked the landlord for the lease and even after I got it I asked her "are you sure" (just as i had the last time) and this time she said she was moving. So I signed the lease and told her if she changed her mind let me know, and went about my life.

 

Well a few weeks after I signed the lease my long distance boyfriend who lives across the country and I had a talk and decided that it was time for us to close the distance. We've been together for a while and decided that this would be a good time to move in together. I talked to my landlord about amending the lease and adding the bf and he said it's fine (note that the bf hasn't been added to the lease yet, but when I get back from my trip we will add him).

 

I was home for less than a week in between work trips, and because this was potentially the last time I'd see her before she moved, I wanted to touch base with her about her move out and if she needed anything from me. I had tried to set up some time to talk via email and that failed. I ended up just catching her one evening after we had both gotten home from work and she told me then that she wasn't sure of her plans (as in, she was thinking about staying now). I told her that I was making arrangements for my bf to move in and she literally laughed, went to her room and shut the door. Obviously that pissed me off but I left it alone. I left for my trip a few days later and I am still abroad.

 

Two nights ago I get an email from her informing me that she is staying. That she told the landlord that she wants to stay, and he told her that he was under the impression that my bf was moving in and she was moving out. That now would be a good time to chat when I get home, because she intends to stay in the apartment for the foreseeable future as her plans have changed, but that she understands if I want to move out because living with my bf is important to me.

 

I was livid. She sometimes acts as if she owns the apartment because she is the one who found it and told me about it, even though we both pay equal rent and are on the lease (and not that it matters, but I am the one who furnished it, because she was planning on moving out 6 months after we moved in) and her email was worded as if it was her place and she was going to stay and I needed to accommodate her and rearrange my life. I immediately responded that legally, I am the only one on the lease and her staying (or anyone else living there) has to be approved by me and the landlord. I told her that I would not amend the lease so that she could stay and that I am not moving so she has to be out either when the lease ends in 2 weeks or i'd be willing to let her sublet an additional month before my boyfriend moves in so that she has more time to find a place (pending landlord approval). I informed my landlord of her email and he is totally on my side, and said he'd also tell her that the lease does not include her, I already made arrangements for someone else to move in, and therefore she has to go.

 

Of course I haven't heard from her. I told her that I was sorry that we were in this situation but it could've been avoided if she had communicated her intentions with me and that we can talk if she wants when I get back, though my mind isn't changing, but perhaps her knowing my perspective will make the conversation less emotional.

 

But I know it's going to be a tough conversation and I don't know how to even broach it. The lease ends the day after I get back, so it's possible that she might try to move out before I get back. I've thought about ending my trip early so that I can come home and deal with it but I don't want my work to get shortchanged by this drama.

 

I also feel absolutely horrible and guilty about essentialy kicking her out even though I was the one trying to get a straight answer out of her about the lease. (i didn't say this to her, but had she signed the lease when I did, my bf moving in would never have been on the table; had she told me that she wanted to stay earlier, my boyfriend would've made other moving arrangements and i would've added her to the lease. I didn't do anything sneaky and I don't feel like I could've done anything better without hurting my own integrity. Her impulse decisions haven't really inconvenienced me previously, but now her indecision is inconveniencing me and other people (my boyfriend). One of my friends made me realize that it doesn't matter that this is my boyfriend moving in and replacing her; it could've been me trying to get a new roommate and her changing her mind after i already started making arrangements with this person. Further, it was her decision not to sign the lease.

 

I doubt that our friendship is salvageable but I want to end on as good of terms as possible and I don't want drama when I get back. She isn't a confrontational person though that might change with this wake-up call. I am definitely the louder and more emotional one so I am trying to be calm and level headed going into this so that nothing escalates. I think having others (including mutual friends) help me realize that I did everything I could to get her to give me a firm answer earlier has helped me come to peace with this and realize that I should stop feeling bad about the situation.

 

But I was wondering if there are any tips on how to go about having a conversation with her when I get back? Should I say something to her right away when I get home? Should I let her bring it up? There are also some utilities that she owes me for the past month and hasn't paid yet (I sent her the invoice a few weeks ago before this drama). It isn't a lot, like $30. Should I leave it alone?

[CC12]

Should I say something to her right away when I get home? Should I let her bring it up?

 

I think you've probably said all you needed to say to her. If she wants to talk about it, keep your calm and don't participate in an argument. There's nothing to be gained by arguing. You can't/won't change what's already been done. Have a few phrases you can repeat if she wants to go at you. "I'm sorry it turned out this way, what's done is done, I hope we can remain friends, etc." Try not to point out her responsibility for anything, like "If you had figured out your plans earlier this could have been avoided." Yeah, it's her own fault it went this way, but just avoid those kinds of statements so you don't start a fight. It would be pointless.

 

Also, I'd probably just forget about the 30 bucks she owes you. It's such a small amount of money, it doesn't seem worth pursuing since things are so awkward right now.

[preraph]

Just get a different apartment or let the landlord make the call which one moves out and gets a new apartment. You have a lease and she doesn't, so seems like she needs to go.

[O'Malley]

Has your landlord sent her a notice of termination of tenancy?

 

There's going to be hard feelings no matter what you course you take. If you do speak, just state that this is a difficult situation but that you want both of you to move on from it as quickly as possible. I wouldn't offer to sublet to her at this point or push for the money she owes you; better that she applies her finances to moving elsewhere rather than you having to start the process of eviction or move to another apt. in the building.