Wedding Gift for Cheap Groom

[Kitchen]

So one of my close friends is getting married, and I'm a groomsman. I'm conflicted on how much to spend for his wedding gift. The groomsmen did give him a bachelor party that included drinks, dinner, lap dances. However, this person is cheap. For instance, the groomsmen gift that he got for us is worth about $15. Whereas we spent $30-40 on him per groomsman on his party.

 

He's always been this way, in all instances of life. He does have good qualities of course, and that's why we are close friends. I guess not everyone is perfect though. And no, it's not that he's poor. I know for a fact he's very well off.

 

My question is: do I have to spend the custom $100 or him, or can I go less? Should I just give him the full $100 for the sake of not making things awkward?

 

And do I have to make him a groomsman when I get married? I have no plans of getting married yet, but when it does happen, I intend on spending good money on gifts for them, and I know for sure he would spend the minimum possible on my bachelor party.

 

All this is so stressful

[BelleSkye]

Get him a $20 gift. It is more than $15 and within your budget after the bachelor spree. Also - women / brides are mostly interested in the gifts. Not sure how men / grooms feel about presents.

 

And no - you don't have to make him your best man when you get married. My so called friend made me Maid of Honour and I didn't return the 'favour'. Best decision ever. If you say he is a good guy, he wil surely understand. If he makes a fuss out of such a petty issue, then he is as cheap as his gift giving.

[Arieswoman]

Some suggestions here;

 

Cheap Gifts for Men | Find Me A Gift

[GunslingerRoland]

I agree $15 is cheap for a groomsmen gift, but if you only spent $40 on his bachelors party that is cheap too. (how do you get dinner, drinks and a lap dance for $40? )

 

 

Are you bringing a guest (or your family?) to the wedding? I'd say $100 would be the bare minimum to give at a wedding, especially if you are a groomsman.

[GunslingerRoland]

And don't listen to the people in the post talking about giving "gifts", you give money.

[Kitchen]

I agree $15 is cheap for a groomsmen gift, but if you only spent $40 on his bachelors party that is cheap too. (how do you get dinner, drinks and a lap dance for $40? )

 

 

Are you bringing a guest (or your family?) to the wedding? I'd say $100 would be the bare minimum to give at a wedding, especially if you are a groomsman.

 

I'm only bringing myself.

 

And I said $40 per groomsman. $40 was my share of his drinks, dinner, lap dance.

 

And idk whether $40 is cheap for a party. But $40 > $15 for sure. And this person is chronically like this...so I hate the idea of giving $100.

[GunslingerRoland]

So the average bachelor party costs, what a few hundred per person? So unless he has 10 groomsmen, I'd say $40 each is pretty cheap. It would be very rare for the groomsman gift to match the amount the groomsman spends on the bachelor party to be honest.

 

 

Also let's not forget he's the one paying the big expense. The actual wedding, that ~$20,000 party that you're going to. That'll you'll probably drink a hundred dollars of liquor at, and eat a $50 meal.

 

 

Bottom line is that if you don't want to buy someone a wedding gift you shouldn't go to their wedding, let alone agree to be a groomsman.

[Kitchen]

So the average bachelor party costs, what a few hundred per person? So unless he has 10 groomsmen, I'd say $40 each is pretty cheap. It would be very rare for the groomsman gift to match the amount the groomsman spends on the bachelor party to be honest.

 

 

Also let's not forget he's the one paying the big expense. The actual wedding, that ~$20,000 party that you're going to. That'll you'll probably drink a hundred dollars of liquor at, and eat a $50 meal.

 

 

Bottom line is that if you don't want to buy someone a wedding gift you shouldn't go to their wedding, let alone agree to be a groomsman.

 

I don't know why this is so hard to get:

 

$40 was not the "cost of the bachelor party". It was the share of the groom's costs that each groomsman put in.

 

There were 5 groomsmen, which makes it $200 for his share. Which means it's $200 cost per person. Which means the cost of the party was $1,200. And that means I put in $200 + $40 = $240

 

Yes, the groomsmen gift shouldn't match what each groomsman spends on the party. But it should at least match what each groomsmen spends on the groom during the party.

Edited July 25, 2016 by Kitchen

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't know why this is so hard to get:

 

$40 was not the "cost of the bachelor party". It was the share of the groom's costs that each groomsman put in.

 

There were 5 groomsmen, which makes it $200 for his share. Which means it's $200 cost per person. Which means the cost of the party was $1,200. And that means I put in $200 + $40 = $240

 

Yes, the groomsmen gift shouldn't match what each groomsman spends on the party. But it should at least match what each groomsmen spends on the groom during the party.

 

 

I know and I'm saying that is still a super cheap bachelors party.

[Kitchen]

I know and I'm saying that is still a super cheap bachelors party.

 

So if the bachelor party wasn't so "super cheap", then I would be allowed to spend less on the gift?

 

And what do you think of the $15 groomsman gift, isn't it also super cheap?

[rester]

I've always spent $200 minimum for a gift, plus $500-$900 on travel, plus a couple hundred on bachelor party. If I couldn't afford that, I have declined to participate and sent a gift only. I usually only choose one wedding like this each year and don't go to the other ones unless they are local.

[GunslingerRoland]

So if the bachelor party wasn't so "super cheap", then I would be allowed to spend less on the gift?

 

And what do you think of the $15 groomsman gift, isn't it also super cheap?

 

You spent a couple of dollars more on his bachelors party than he spent on your gift. I'd say that is normal. It seems proportionate to me.

 

 

If you had paid to fly him to Vegas for the weekend, and he bought you a $15 gift, I'd be like screw him! But you had a relatively low key stag for him, that didn't cost that much and he bought you guys small gifts.

[PegNosePete]

do I have to spend

...

And do I have to

No. You do not have to do anything you don't want to.

[devilish innocent]

Reading this thread is making my head spin.

 

1. There is no rule that says groomsmen are owed any gifts. It is supposed to be considered a nice favor from the groom.

 

2. There is no rule that says you need to spend $100 on a gift. You give based on what you can afford and what your heart is telling you that you want to spend. Just as the groomsmen should not feel like they are owed anything, the bride and groom should be gracious about anything they receive and not feel like they are owed anything.

 

3. No, you don't have to make him a groomsman when you get married.

 

4. You are not owed a bachelor party when you get married. You pick the people who are closest to you to stand beside you. The only requirement is that they buy the outfit and show up to stand beside you. It is nice if they want to throw you a party, but no adult should feel as though they are owed a party in their honor.

 

5. There is no minimum amount of how much you should have to spend for a bachelor or bachelorette party. See #4 for the explanation as to why.

 

6. There is no rule that says you have to give money. Money is what most brides and grooms prefer to receive. A lot of people like to give gifts, because they feel it's more person, which is fine as well. Also, it's not uncommon for people to give gifts when they don't feel like spending a lot.

 

7. A wedding gift is not pay back for your plate at the wedding! You are their guest which they presumably wanted their. If the bride and groom only invited you because they wanted a gift in exchange, then THEY are the ones being incredibly tacky. Besides a cake and punch reception at the park is perfectly fine. If a couple wants to spend more to have fancy a wedding, then that's on them, not on their guests.

[basil67]

Reading this thread is making my head spin.

 

1. There is no rule that says groomsmen are owed any gifts. It is supposed to be considered a nice favor from the groom.

 

2. There is no rule that says you need to spend $100 on a gift. You give based on what you can afford and what your heart is telling you that you want to spend. Just as the groomsmen should not feel like they are owed anything, the bride and groom should be gracious about anything they receive and not feel like they are owed anything.

 

3. No, you don't have to make him a groomsman when you get married.

 

4. You are not owed a bachelor party when you get married. You pick the people who are closest to you to stand beside you. The only requirement is that they buy the outfit and show up to stand beside you. It is nice if they want to throw you a party, but no adult should feel as though they are owed a party in their honor.

 

5. There is no minimum amount of how much you should have to spend for a bachelor or bachelorette party. See #4 for the explanation as to why.

 

6. There is no rule that says you have to give money. Money is what most brides and grooms prefer to receive. A lot of people like to give gifts, because they feel it's more person, which is fine as well. Also, it's not uncommon for people to give gifts when they don't feel like spending a lot.

 

7. A wedding gift is not pay back for your plate at the wedding! You are their guest which they presumably wanted their. If the bride and groom only invited you because they wanted a gift in exchange, then THEY are the ones being incredibly tacky. Besides a cake and punch reception at the park is perfectly fine. If a couple wants to spend more to have fancy a wedding, then that's on them, not on their guests.

 

After reading this thread, my head was spinning too. All this money, money, money....and who should spend what. It's all too hard.

 

Your post was grounding and sensible.

[Kitchen]

Reading this thread is making my head spin.

 

1. There is no rule that says groomsmen are owed any gifts. It is supposed to be considered a nice favor from the groom.

 

2. There is no rule that says you need to spend $100 on a gift. You give based on what you can afford and what your heart is telling you that you want to spend. Just as the groomsmen should not feel like they are owed anything, the bride and groom should be gracious about anything they receive and not feel like they are owed anything.

 

3. No, you don't have to make him a groomsman when you get married.

 

4. You are not owed a bachelor party when you get married. You pick the people who are closest to you to stand beside you. The only requirement is that they buy the outfit and show up to stand beside you. It is nice if they want to throw you a party, but no adult should feel as though they are owed a party in their honor.

 

5. There is no minimum amount of how much you should have to spend for a bachelor or bachelorette party. See #4 for the explanation as to why.

 

6. There is no rule that says you have to give money. Money is what most brides and grooms prefer to receive. A lot of people like to give gifts, because they feel it's more person, which is fine as well. Also, it's not uncommon for people to give gifts when they don't feel like spending a lot.

 

7. A wedding gift is not pay back for your plate at the wedding! You are their guest which they presumably wanted their. If the bride and groom only invited you because they wanted a gift in exchange, then THEY are the ones being incredibly tacky. Besides a cake and punch reception at the park is perfectly fine. If a couple wants to spend more to have fancy a wedding, then that's on them, not on their guests.

 

You know, I really like your post, and thanks for taking the time to reply to a stranger on the internet - much appreciated.

 

I wish it was so simple for me though. Allow me to explain.

 

You see, as I said in the OP, this friend is chronically like this. If it was just a one time thing with the groomsmen gift, then I wouldn't think twice about it - and would give him the "socially acceptable" $100 gift.

 

But as I say, he's chronically cheap - with the smallest things, so that you can't even make a big deal out of it when it happens: cab rides, buying rounds of drinks, splitting a tip, driving (taking his car or mine), etc.

 

What makes this worse is that the our mutual friends are either foolish or spineless. Not only do they not care, for the most part they don't even notice his cheapness. Like I said, it's with little things here and there, and he's a very smooth and charming guy. So it's not noticeable for those who are overly generous by nature, which happens to be everyone else in the group.

 

Being friends with him is stressful. Sure, I'd love to cut him off, but that means I cut off everyone else for the most part. We're mutual friends, and I don't want to lose the mutual friends.

 

So then I can underspend on his gift, and create resentment (he'll compare my cheaper gift vs. the more expensive gifts of the other groomsmen). Or, I can just go ahead and spend the full $100 (or whatever the number is that everyone else will put in). I can underspend, but then what happens at my wedding? 2-3 years down the line I get married, and now it's him and his wife I have to invite - and I get stuck with a cheap gift. Or I can spend $100 - but at my wedding he certainly wouldn't give me $200 (if you count him and his wife).

 

And yea, I can always not invite him - but see above, w/mutual friends, is that relationship worth breaking? I can already imagine problems at my bachelor party when I don't invite him/or make him a groomsman. Because, I certainly plan on buying much better gifts for my guys! So then what, I have to do the same for him?

 

So stressful. Life is so complicated sometimes. Yes, I don't HAVE TO do anything. I don't have to even give a gift - but then there are consequences, and I hate that.

 

And no, I can't sit down and have a chat with him about it, because he either has no insight or just tries to move the conversation to make himself look good - as I said he's a smooth talker.

 

Sigh

Edited July 27, 2016 by Kitchen

[ChatroomHero]

I think I can make this very, very easy for you. If you are trying to make a point to him to tell him he is cheap without saying it to his face, as you are implying you want to send a message with your gift....give him $25.

 

 

If you are not trying to send him a message give him $100.

 

 

What else is there to think about, are you sending a message or not?

[quankanne]

give him something meaningful, not necessarily something expensive. The best bridal shower gift I saw was a photo my goddaughter gave her friend of the two of them when they were five or six, and pretty much living out of each other's back pockets. It meant a lot, and it only cost to print and frame (under $20, I'm guessing). You shouldn't have to sink a lot of money on a gift, but *most* people appreciate when someone's being genuinely considerate when they give that gift. If he's an ass about it, well ... let him be an ass, then move along.

 

and no, you don't have to put anyone in your wedding party that you don't want. It's about having your dearest people stand witness for you. If you feel he must be in the wedding, make him an usher or something.

[GunslingerRoland]

7. A wedding gift is not pay back for your plate at the wedding! You are their guest which they presumably wanted their. If the bride and groom only invited you because they wanted a gift in exchange, then THEY are the ones being incredibly tacky. Besides a cake and punch reception at the park is perfectly fine. If a couple wants to spend more to have fancy a wedding, then that's on them, not on their guests.

 

Look at it like this. If you went to the cheapest restaurant you could find (Olive Garden?) and bought one of their cheaper meals and a soda it would cost you $20. If you went out to a bar that had a happy hour special afterwards and had 5 drinks, that would cost you another $30. So why would you go to a nice dinner and drink all night for free, and not feel guilty only giving $25.

 

 

Sure it's not paying back the plate for the wedding, but come on, why would you give less than the meal and drinks that you specifically ate and drank would cost if you had gone out there instead of to the wedding.

 

 

Sure if you're trying to say screw you to your buddy you can give $25, but it sounds like it's more about other things than the cheap groomsman gift.. so why would you accept being in the party and then be like this.

[todreaminblue]

Some suggestions here;

 

Cheap Gifts for Men | Find Me A Gift

 

i particularly like the inflatable ostrich costume......would make his honeymoon....quite special....deb

[devilish innocent]

So then I can underspend on his gift, and create resentment (he'll compare my cheaper gift vs. the more expensive gifts of the other groomsmen). Or, I can just go ahead and spend the full $100 (or whatever the number is that everyone else will put in). I can underspend, but then what happens at my wedding? 2-3 years down the line I get married, and now it's him and his wife I have to invite - and I get stuck with a cheap gift. Or I can spend $100 - but at my wedding he certainly wouldn't give me $200 (if you count him and his wife).

 

The reason some people choose to purchase gifts rather than give money when they don't want to spend a lot is because then the bride and groom don't have to know how much you spent. You shop off the registry. Look around for something that's on clearance, or that looks like it could be more expensive than it really is. Or your other option is just to overlook the fact that he's cheap, and give him what you would give any other friend.

 

As for inviting him to your wedding or making him a groomsman- if he's part of a group, and everybody else in the group is included, then I'd say include him as well. Otherwise, that could seem like you are singling him out. But if the only reason you'd have to make him a groomsman is because he made you one, then you don't have to do it.

[devilish innocent]

Look at it like this. If you went to the cheapest restaurant you could find (Olive Garden?) and bought one of their cheaper meals and a soda it would cost you $20. If you went out to a bar that had a happy hour special afterwards and had 5 drinks, that would cost you another $30. So why would you go to a nice dinner and drink all night for free, and not feel guilty only giving $25.

 

 

Sure it's not paying back the plate for the wedding, but come on, why would you give less than the meal and drinks that you specifically ate and drank would cost if you had gone out there instead of to the wedding.

 

 

Sure if you're trying to say screw you to your buddy you can give $25, but it sounds like it's more about other things than the cheap groomsman gift.. so why would you accept being in the party and then be like this.

 

The difference is that when I go out to a restaurant, I'm choosing where I want to eat. I'll pick the restaurant based on the amount I would feel comfortable spending on the meal. When I'm going to a wedding, I'm going to celebrate the marriage. I have no say in where the food I'm being served is coming from. If it was just a get together where the food cost that much, I would decline because that is beyond what I would feel comfortable spending for a meal. I usually give a $100 gift for a wedding anyway, but that's because I see weddings as once in a lifetime events. If somebody is a friend or family member, I don't mind gifting them that much for such a special event. But I'll give the same amount regardless of how much they spent on my meal.

 

When I got married, I had a couple of guests who gave us nothing at all. There were a few others who gave us gifts that were worth less than half the cost of their meal. Frankly, I really didn't care. I just appreciated that they made the effort to come out and celebrate with us, even when they got us nothing. It was the people who wouldn't even make an effort to show up that I felt a lot more disappointed with.

[GunslingerRoland]

The difference is that when I go out to a restaurant, I'm choosing where I want to eat. I'll pick the restaurant based on the amount I would feel comfortable spending on the meal.

 

Which is why I compared it to about the cheapest meal and drinks you can get in 2016. And that was just an entrée, god forbid if it included appetizers and dessert.