thecd Posted June 20, 2016 Share Posted June 20, 2016 Hi everybody, I am going through a hard time and am looking for some advice. I have what I thought was a good friend, who agreed to help me work on my house and is now turning around and charging me and my family because he thinks we took advantage of him. Basically I work full time and I am doing home renovations. Most of it I can do myself and other projects I just had a few questions for him, but he ended getting up totally involved in. I think because he doesn't trust my work. He can't work because of his health right now yet on occasion he'd message me stating he's bored and wants to come help. Great! In the past I've asked him to work for some odd jobs and paid him as we agreed, and every penny was delivered as promised. He's sending an invoice now because he feels taken advantage of and it's basically billed out for his time, about $1500 worth. I am not sure what to do. My family and friends tell me just to ignore him because it's just adding fuel to the fire. One thing is for sure and that is we are not paying. He verbally agreed to help us out free of charge. He's upset because one day we were working together, about half way done and I told him I had to go. He insisted on staying, saying it's fine it's fine, and then later sends me a long msg saying he feels taken advantage of and that I owe him money. What's worse is that he knows we don't have any money. I've known him for about a dozen years. His passive aggressive behavior is not new to me. I am coming to the conclusion that he isn't a real friend and I am having trouble burning the bridge, and he doesn't seem to want to talk about it in person. On a last note we used to hang out nearly every day until he moved away in winter. When he moved away I met new people and changed my lifestyles a bit. He had to come back in spring because of surgery and he sent me a msg saying how unimpressed he was with me and that he wasn't going to spend time with me anymore. I let it slide and we eventually hung out again...but basically he consistently thinks his time is more valuable then others and I get the feeling that he really doesn't value my friendship. Thanks! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 One thing is for sure and that is we are not paying. Ok. I probably would have suggested trying to negotiate his "bill" down to a couple hundred bucks or so, because ultimately he did help you and you did gain value from his help and maybe it shouldn't sting so much to just fork over a token amount of money to fix the situation and move on. But if you're sure you don't want to pay him, you should be asking yourself if you still want to be friends. If not, then tell him to go screw himself, quit taking his phone calls, and be done with him. If you do still want to be friends, then write him an email or text saying that you're sorry for the misunderstanding, that you were under the assumption that he was volunteering his time, that you really appreciate him helping you out, and that you value his friendship and his time and that you'd like to take him out to lunch and that you'd also like to return the favor by helping him out with anything you can. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 When you paid him in the past, did you have written contracts or agreements, bills, etc.? If you did and there's no enforceable contract for the current job he's charging you for, you should be fine. But if you used to pay him on handshake deals and you acknowledge that, he could make a better case that this was one of those too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecd Posted June 21, 2016 Author Share Posted June 21, 2016 Yup. He's always been very good with quotes and expectations, so this frankly seems completely immature of him and out of spite. Last night I told him we aren't paying and he called me a POS and so that's that. Lol. I am just not sure why I was holding on for so long Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 21, 2016 Share Posted June 21, 2016 I would email him, "Hey, (name), I'm sorry you feel taken advantage of. That was never my intention. Thanks so much for your help. I really appreciate it. We never had any agreement that I would pay you. I thought I was clear that I couldn't afford to hire labor. Sorry we got crosswise. I'm sure someone out there would be glad to pay for your skills. Hope you find work if you are wanting it. I think I can handle the rest of the house myself now. Let's grab a beer soon and play instead of work." (You buy the beer of course!) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted June 22, 2016 Share Posted June 22, 2016 You could always say something he did on the house failed and caused someone an injury and ask him for information on his liability insurance and tell him you will pay him once that gets cleared up. Then add you are unhappy with his work and he did not deliver what was promised and ask how he is going to rectify the situation, with money back or will he hire another contractor to complete the job the right way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecd Posted June 22, 2016 Author Share Posted June 22, 2016 After we spoke and he called me a bunch of things I just left it at that. He's got stage 3 colon cancer. He might be going through some emotions right now and this may be beyond me. That's the part that upsets me the most. His doctor put him off work, yet he comes over and "helps", although casually, still works when he shouldn't. And it is frustrating for him because really he was working much harder then myself, although it's my house and I am in no rush.... The jobs are all done. Just painting left and I can manage it on my own. Yeah tough situation. In the end I'm just not going to communicate with him until he apologizes for his behavior. It may never happen 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 Tbh neither values the other. One got the house repaired while the other got? ... Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted June 23, 2016 Share Posted June 23, 2016 If he's not supposed to be working for medical reasons, then why did you let him do so? That might be the question he is asking himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Nowty V Posted June 25, 2016 Share Posted June 25, 2016 If he's not supposed to be working for medical reasons, then why did you let him do so? That might be the question he is asking himself. yeah but that is down to him, nobody held a gun to his head Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 (edited) yeah but that is down to him, nobody held a gun to his head No, nobody is holding a gun to his head, but he may not see it that way. People aren't always rational. I'm trying to see things from his perspective, as the OP seemed confused by his behaviour. I'm trying to offer some insight into his thought process (or what I think it might be). Anyway, the real issue is that he won't talk about it. It sounds like he had some resentment/jealousy towards the OP in the first place, so that's probably factoring into it as well. Passive-aggressive people can be tough to deal with. I think the OP made the right call. Edited June 27, 2016 by SpiralOut Link to post Share on other sites
hotgurl Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 I don't know. I mean you got all this house repair for free from a guy that has stage 3 colon cancer. Did you even offer to take him out to dinner. Buy home a gift card anything? Do you know the cost you would have paid if he didn't help you for free. In the past I have had friends do favors but I always give them something, no necessarily money but something they like. To just take take and not even offer anything is rude. Also if you felt he was doing too much you could have said no. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecd Posted June 29, 2016 Author Share Posted June 29, 2016 (edited) I don't know. I mean you got all this house repair for free from a guy that has stage 3 colon cancer. Did you even offer to take him out to dinner. Buy home a gift card anything? Do you know the cost you would have paid if he didn't help you for free. In the past I have had friends do favors but I always give them something, no necessarily money but something they like. To just take take and not even offer anything is rude. Also if you felt he was doing too much you could have said no. I offered him beers and food and to take him out nearly every time he helped. He kindly refused each time. I offered him free weed and he always took that. Yeah, he charges $35 an hour. Again thought, I told him we don't have money and he said to me and my parents that we wouldn't have to pay, and now he changes his mind because he feels taken advantage of. I did say no many times but I never acted on it. He had a key to my place and just came and did things. So I took the key back. Part of the problem is that I know he really enjoys doing this stuff. And when we did work together we had a lot of fun too, and so for him to turn around and charge me when we did it together AND on our birthdays makes 0 sense. Yes have the same birthdays. Maybe he's upset that I didn't get him a gift? I don't know what to get a guy who doesn't want anything. I offered my help with painting or redoing the floors at his place but he didn't answer. He obviously doesn't want my help. I haven't spoken at him since he called me those things. I was really stressed out about this a few weeks ago but now I am ok. It's maybe wrong to compare people, but man my real friends would never do this. My real friends might take forever and be less reliable but they would never hold their volunteer work against me. It kind of pisses me off that he's acting so immature when he's almost 10 years older than me. I thought older people were suppost to be more mature and responsible. I ain't reaching out to him but you know what if he reaches out to me and apologizes for how he acted maybe I will get him a gift card and resume the friendship. I have enough on my plate and he knows that. He knows very well that if I knew I paid we would have. Edited June 29, 2016 by thecd Link to post Share on other sites
Author thecd Posted July 8, 2016 Author Share Posted July 8, 2016 Yesterday I reached out to him to try and make amends by email, offering to pay him in installments or with house work and with an apology and that I am trying to be accountable for it. He proceeded to say he's not interesting in any of that. I replied stating can't blame me for trying, and he just flipped, basically super angry telling me I get no cookies for trying, I revealed "my dark side" and to f-ing deal with it. I replied to him basically affirming things we already said, like he never said I'd have to pay him once and that he went back on his word again, and doesn't even seem to realize nor care. I expressed how angry I was, especially that he always breaks bad news over text instead of in person. He emailed me back, but I don't want to look at it. Frankly he stresses me out and I don't need this. I can almost guarantee it's just angry hate-mail. He is so far out to lunch on what is actually happening that I don't even know where to start. I figure it's best to just delete the unread email then keep the flames going. Is it? I'm pissed that he seems to want the last word. What a child. I talked to my friends and family and they all think he's mental. I need to let this go. Not sure why I am stressing so much about this. He's got anger problems or something. There's really no reason for him to have been so negative and so outraged for me trying to make amends, especially weeks after we last spoke. I really don't know what his problem is. I thought about it. He's always been someone who criticizes others, always "one-uping people" and has always been the anti-social introverted type. Maybe he values his friendships by what he has to gain or lose and if so well, I ain't interested in being friends with someone like that. He's selfish and greedy and frankly just a dick more often then not. He started acting weird when I got a girlfriend. It's possible he's jealous...but I'm done guessing. Any words help folks. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted July 8, 2016 Share Posted July 8, 2016 it is the girlfriend jealousy, keep away from him Link to post Share on other sites
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