Is something wrong with me? Why can't I develop friendships??

[Lolita_Sky]

Ever since I was a child I've had problems making friends and establishing long lasting friendships.

 

I remember being soooo excited to start school and make new friends. Only to find out NOBODY liked me and wanted to play with me. I remember so vividly crying on the playground because no one wanted to be my friend. The teacher made this girl play with me. We wound up being I guess you could call friends. I later found our though that she hated me and didn't want to be my friend.

 

That hurt me SO much. I guess that really stuck with me because she was the only friend I had. To find out she hated me really hurt. I didn't have any real positive reinforcement back then. No one really listened to me and all I really wanted was some attention. No one gave it yo me though.

 

I became the kid others picked on. Not only did I have to deal with negativity at school but I dealt with it at home as well. I was ALWAYS doing or saying the wrong thing. No one ever understood me. When I cried out of frustration because I was upset or misunderstood I was scolded for it. I was told to stop "feeling sorry for myself."

 

 

My only refuge were books I could live and imagine through books. It got so bad that the teacher would have to confiscate my books in class.

 

So over the years I just stopped. I stopped being my bubbly outgoing self because I was afraid others would judge me. I was then considered the quiet loner. Which in actuality I didn't want to be. I didn't want to be. No one took an interest in me. I can truly say I was invisible...and no one saw my loneliness. It hurts a lot to think about it. Because I truly missed out on a pivotal part of my social development.

 

I'm SO self conscious of people judging me because every time I put myself out there I'm rejected.

 

I'm more out going now but I still don't have any friends. No one is really interested in me. And I can honestly say this because I've been in situations where a group of people who don't even know each other eventually connect and become good friends.

 

I have never connected with ANYONE. These people just aren't interested in me. I just feel so awkward and weird.

 

 

Let me not get started on ex boyfriends. All of my exes hate me for some reason. I never cheated. We argued yes, but I never cheated on them disrespected them in public, I never betrayed them in any way.

 

When I felt I wasn't being appreciated or valued they took the high road. I remember one of my exes grew to hate my voice. I'd never done a thing to that man! From what he told me about his exes they seemed to have treated him way worst.

 

I just don't get it.

 

I feel like people naturally repel me.

 

The more I try the harder they push me away.

Edited June 19, 2016 by Lolita_Sky

[preraph]

I think your last line, "The more I try the harder they push me away," says it all. I think you are trying too hard, demanding too much attention and probably not going about it in a natural way. I imagine if I could see you in action for 5 minutes I could tell you what it is about you that's repelling people, but going only from what you've said, I did notice that in your narrative, you twice talked about crying and about feeling sorry for yourself and then later said you guessed you wouldn't be bubbly anymore. What you described with the crying and self-pity is the opposite of bubbly. I can only guess that when you think you're being bubbly, you are in fact just trying too hard for attention and making people pull away, and then you react by feeling sorry for yourself and crying, also an attention bid.

 

You get boyfriends, so maybe it isn't hopeless, but I would be sincerely listening to any frank criticism any friend has about you and then see if you can change your personality to something more people can digest.

 

From what you've said, you want a lot of attention and will go to extremes to get it.

[Offspring]

Do you have a job? Are you a busy person?

 

Sometimes it seems the harder we try, the more we repel people. Or, maybe it"s because our expectations are so high ("I'm ready to be their friend, why don't they want to be mine?"). My aunty and i were having a similiar conversation recently where she said when she relocated, she tried to connect with people, a lot. She realised that she needed to back off and let them come to her.

 

I'm of the mind these days that making friends is as more about social skills, than luck. I too, have suffered a lot of disappointments lately, but i figure those people were just not in the headspace to be my friend ar this stage. Sometimes you just have to put it out there and back off (but, be open to it, incase they come back and want more).

 

I doubt whether you are a people repellent, you just think you are. How is your image? How is your body language? Are you open to the world? Try to let a lot of stuff go, and focus yourself on the future and your dreams. Start making YOUR dreams come true, and it will lighten you up.

 

As for the ex boyfriends, they an ex for a reason! Of course they'll say stupid stuff, but just be releived they are not in your life anymore if they're going to behave like that. I read this great thing on Facebook recently that said "i know you've been hurt hand have had crappy relationships, but i'm glad they let you go... Cos you're my baby now, and i'm going to spend the rest of my life making sure you're happy" (not verbatum, but similiar!).

 

If you think people aren't seeing you, make them see you!

Edited June 19, 2016 by Offspring

[basil67]

You've just made a fairly good description of how Asperger's Syndrome affects socialising. Not being able to make friends, not getting social cues, upsetting people when you've got no idea what you did wrong etc. I'm not saying that you have it, but it may be worth at least reading up on it to see if it fits.

 

Here is a link to a fantastic podcast talking about aspie girls. Dr Tony Attwood turns his focus to women and girls with Asperger's - ABC Conversations with Richard Fidler

 

I've got a couple of aspie girlfriends and finding out *why* they've struggled all along has given them great peace. The diagnosis also helped them to link up with people who really get them.

[Offspring]

No, i don't know about Asperger's Syndrome. An Aspie person probably wouldn't care, the OP does, and clearly takes an emotional response. Aspie people aren't that emotional, more pragmatic.

 

I get the feeling that love and support was not readily available to the OP during her childhood.

 

OP: you need to address these issues. You need to love yourself.. Go and see a counsellor, seriously, it will be the best thing you could do.

 

In your corner. From an older woman who has gone through similiar, and wishes she could take some ducklings under her wing

[Satu]

OP:

 

I also think you should get some counselling.

 

Not because there's something wrong with you, but to help you heal the pain and disappointment that you've been through.

 

Once you've healed of those, you can look at new ways of connecting with people.

 

 

Take care.

[basil67]

No, i don't know about Asperger's Syndrome. An Aspie person probably wouldn't care, the OP does, and clearly takes an emotional response. Aspie people aren't that emotional, more pragmatic.

 

What you write here is false stereotype.

 

Are you aware of the really high levels of depression suffered by aspie individuals who are incredibly lonely because they can't get socialisation right and therefore can't make friends? Hate to disillusion you, but most DO care. My son is autistic and has been acutely aware and dismayed about his lack of friends.

 

One of my dearest friends is an aspie woman (yes, properly diagnosed) who talks about aspies having too many emotions rather than not having many.

 

Meanwhile, at the work training my son attends, a teacher is helping the isolated and lonely young aspie adults connect with each other and make the friendships they crave. I can't begin to tell you what an amazing difference this has made to their lives. There is one aspie boy in particular who's level of caring and empathy would put the average person to shame. Quite the opposite to the stereotype, eh?

 

Most humans have an innate desire to connect and be included. Aspies and Auties are no different. Aspies and Auties hurt just as much as "normal" folks when they are shunned.

Edited June 20, 2016 by basil67

[basil67]

I also want to say that the OP hasn't given nearly enough info for me to confidently suggest aspergers. She's just given a few clues which would make me suggest she does a bit of research and see if it may fit.

[Aedra]

I can relate so much. You don't strike me as a person who has Aspergers like some are saying though. I have an acquaintance that does, I feel I'm quite familiar with it. I just think you're alot like me. Your parents probably weren't emotionally there for you and you couldn't find a place to get support and help. Over time the social rejection became too much and it became a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy; you give off unconfident, negative vibes due to pain of the past and it puts people off in some way.

 

Highschool was hell for me and college pretty much unbearable socializing wise. I even had people ask to hang out with me which was a shock, but I rejected them every time. I was too afraid they'd not like the real me and my personal issues were all consuming. The people I did try to hang out with...showed no interest and seemed to avoid me even. The loneliness these days is crippling and due to my somewhat niche interests and its very difficult to feel I can relate to most people. I get listless, afraid and I can't bear going through that awkward thing where you have nothing to say and the other person gets uncomfortable. I have a few online friends...but I'm realizing I'm still fearing rejection from them and they are pretty shallow friendships at best.

 

Either way I think you need good counseling like me. It can be a bit of a hit and miss...I've yet to find a place where I feel comfortable and can open up properly....ones I went to I was made to feel like I was wasting their time but I'm trying to figure it out. I hope you have a much better time then me with that.

Edited July 7, 2016 by Aedra