urgent! Not sure what is the best action to take - say nothing?

[Keira1231]

Hello! So I'm in a tricky situation - I have suspected my flatmates boyfriend is a bit awful for a while, and last night he confirmed my suspicions, now I'm unsure whether to mention to her or to keep my mouth shut.

 

I moved in with her and we were both single and became friends. We had some really good times together and I loved living with her. Then about 6 months ago, she started seeing a guy.

 

At first he wasn't very keen on her - only wanted to see her about once every fortnight, he never made an effort with dates - it was always up to her to suggest things etc. She once confessed to me she was worried he was going out with her out of loneliness, because all his friends were off doing their own thing.

 

So gradually she starts integrating him into our friendship group. It has now gotten to the point that, I never see her socially outside the flat without him being there.

 

I've also noticed small things which make me uncomfortable;

1. He has come round to the flat in a mood for some unknown reason (nothing to do with her). She is on tenterhooks around him and is very submissive and timid (which is not how she is usually). I have also heard her on the phone to him sounding very timid and apologetic for having made plans.

 

2. She always seems to be paying for him, or paying his share.

 

3. He makes undermining comments such as "why can't you wear X" or "why don't you do X"

 

4. She went crazy one night trying to go to the bar he was at, because of some girl she felt threatened by that he was with. I suspect he had said something to her that made her insecure. The bouncers couldn't let her in and he saw her waiting outside, but ignored her. She was extremely upset and I have never seen her so insecure or unhappy.

 

At first I thought I was maybe seeing the worst of him because I resented him taking my friend and taking over my living space a bit, so I have said nothing to her about it so far.

 

But then last night they came in from a night out with his friends and I overheard their entire argument (our flat is very small!).

 

It was pretty awful.

 

1.the girl she was insecure about - he was feeding this by comparing my flatmate to her, and she asked him to show her his phone, which showed he had been calling this girl, "by accident". When my flatmate complained about him doing this, he was very dismissive.

 

2. He was having a go at her for making holiday plans with friends instead of him.

 

3. He tried to undermine her friendship with her best friend, because she is moving to a different city ("she's not really your friend, she's deserting you").

 

4. The way he spoke to her was rude( "shut up"), bossing her around in her own home etc.

 

I really dislike him and I have had a bad feeling about him for a while. Not only does he not treat her that well IMO, but he also seems to use her a bit for our flat, as it's quite central, and he has invited HIS friend back to ours before. I have tried to hide my dislike for him and she has never complained about him to me.

 

But now I wonder if I should speak up? Should I let her know I know whats going on? Or should I pretend like I heard nothing and put up with having to spend so much time with him?

 

One consolation I have is that she confronted him about most of the behavior above, but I'm not sure if she'll stick to her guns or let him dismiss it all.

[preraph]

Well, it sounds like she's standing up to him more now and calling him on things, so this probably won't last forever. So I'd support her on the times she stands up for herself. And if she does stay with him, I'd get a new flatmate.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think you've been her friend long enough to ask her if she minds if you're upfront, with an opinion you have, and could you share it, because you care about her?

 

Discuss your opinion with her, but don't put her in the position of having to defend him.

You might like to record a discussion of theirs to demonstrate why - in your view - his behaviour is dysfunctional, controlling and potentially abusive...

 

The amount of TV programmes I've watched about domestic abuse and the fatal consequences, and friends admitting - after the fact - that they knew, suspected or witnessed this going on, did nothing for fear of interfering and deeply regretted it.

 

It's always too late after events, to warn of misgivings....