Crushed by guilt and anxiety

[fands]

I am in a similar situation to a friend. My friend has, say, 6 months left on this journey, and I have, say, 12 months.

 

My friend has been through a much rougher time than me. She feels betrayed because she's worked so hard, yet her advisor (PhD) has not shown anywhere near as much interest, or invested nearly as much time, as other "favourites" in the lab. Consequently, near the end of her PhD, with little to show for it (publicly, in terms of academic papers), she is enduring a string of rejections when seeking a way to follow her passion in the seemingly simple quest to do scientific work that interests her.

 

I have a mountain of guilt on my shoulders. Did I cause the problems? Well, not directly, I guess. However, as her flatmate, I have not been understanding. I have also been extremely grumpy and borderline abusive because I have my own set of issues. This just added to the misery. For years!

 

I have apologised, and she says she forgives me. But, hey, that doesn't just magically melt away the guilt.

 

I obviously have some serious issues, because I am really panicking at the thought of having to finish my journey without her. My anxiety is out of control. I see her upset and crying at the next wave of rejections, and my guilt flips into overdrive. Beyond that, I feel helpless.

 

You know what? I thought I actually had a question.

 

Anyway, from a selfish point of view, I am panicking when I think about her leaving before me (or after me, for that matter). I also feel helpless as a friend, and residual guilt from my past (inexcusable) behaviour towards her.

 

We also have to move from our current accommodation in three months, which just adds stress to an already unbearable situation. Especially for her, seeing that she's close to finishing, and has expressed some desperation to leave this place (as she associates it with screwing her life up).

 

My anxiety is making it difficult to sleep or concentrate, and obviously my flight or fight response is favouring crazy thoughts. But I feel that I can't leave before she's finished (I don't know if she needs me, but I'm consumed by a protective instinct). If she does leave before me, then it probably makes sense to try to summon some strength to finish, because abandoning something close to completion when I'm in a state of high anxiety may not be the fruit of clear thinking. Of course, this assumes that I can function on some level to actually get the remaining work done, which feels close to impossible.

 

The loss of day-to-day contact with my friend is one major source of anxiety. Another source is (don't laugh) my pet goldfish that I've had for 7.5 years. If I don't finish, then my visa expires, and I must leave the country. So I am effectively mourning the loss of my friend and my pet before it's actually happened...

 

I am trying to be strong for my friend. There's not much I can do for her except just be "around" (she doesn't want to talk much to me, possibly because of my past behaviour). If the move to other accommodation turns out to be easier to do together, then that might be another thing I can help with.

 

What is my best strategy for coping? Should I be writing down a list of things that are "problems" so I can try to search for possible solutions? I am so anxious I feel like I am frozen in a combination of procrastination, denial, and fear.

 

I wish I could comfort my friend, but it appears that she doesn't want to talk, or be hugged, or to brainstorm about the future. My anxiety seems unbearable, but I guess it's just one day at a time. I might be better off dead, except that if I can get my crap together, I might be of some use to her. Maybe.

[carhill]

While admirable, IMO, one, don't lose yourself in the care for others. Two, take one day at a time. The issues you outline are common when we're young because all this social stuff, and school, and career, and living independently, is new and often overwhelming. With time and immersion, stuff moderates.

 

Your friend will be OK. You'll be OK. Things will go and life will continue.

 

Oh, lastly, guard against apologizing too much. Some is OK. You're entitled and allowed some stress, venting and a bit of mood. It's human. We all experience it. Kudos to you for apologizing for what you viewed as abusive. That's cool. Social interactions aren't perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Think about how often, or not, people apologize to you. Work that out.

 

I'd say have a joint and mellow out but that's a bit 70's

[Scarlett.O'hara]

It sounds like you need some therapy and support. Are there any services available at your university? Ask for some help. Don't just suffer in silence.

 

You and you friend are on separate life journeys. Try not to take on their burdens when you are dealing with your own. A good friend can be there for there for a bit of encouragement and a laugh, if you can do that, great!

 

Try not to think about having to part with your pet, those thoughts aren't going to do anything but upset you more. When you have those thoughts try and distract yourself. (We all love them regardless of their species)

 

Stay focused on your goal, you are almost there!

[fands]

While admirable, IMO, one, don't lose yourself in the care for others.

Good point. To be honest, I'm barely functioning myself, so I can't see myself being much help. I may have to untangle my feelings a little to try to understand why I feel so responsible.

Two, take one day at a time.

Salute! It's kind of hard, though, with so much adrenaline flowing through the system. I really can't stand the feeling of being perpetually tired yet continuously amped-up with anxiety.

The issues you outline are common when we're young because all this social stuff, and school, and career, and living independently, is new and often overwhelming. With time and immersion, stuff moderates.

Yes, I have experienced some of that in the past. I may never find my way, but a bit of stability would be most welcome. And I mean stability of emotion, not any other kind of stability, which is definitely beyond reach.

Your friend will be OK. You'll be OK.

Thank you. Sometimes I see that. Or at least hope that.

Things will go and life will continue.

That's what I'm afraid of. I'm petrified of losing access to my friend on a face-to-face basis. Maybe it's the fear of being alone. She's my only friend round these parts.

Oh, lastly, guard against apologizing too much.

Sorry!

Some is OK. You're entitled and allowed some stress, venting and a bit of mood. It's human. We all experience it. Kudos to you for apologizing for what you viewed as abusive. That's cool. Social interactions aren't perfect. Everyone makes mistakes.

I will hopefully learn from my mistakes. Still, one has to live with them and accept the past. I'm trying.

Think about how often, or not, people apologize to you.

That's a very interesting perspective. Then again, I'm a bit of a recluse, so maybe I have a limited set of interactions to draw from.

I'd say have a joint and mellow out but that's a bit 70's

I think that would definitely help with the anxiety. I'm surprised that I don't smoke or drink, because I really feel like I need chemical help. Maybe it's because I am cash strapped.

[fands]

It sounds like you need some therapy and support.

I may come across as a basket case, but in reality I am much worse. Just kidding, but I take your point about talking to somebody. Obviously it's no magic bullet, and it may take some time to get any concrete results/benefit.

You and you friend are on separate life journeys.

I think I need to accept that. There's something about being on a journey alone that scares me to death. In fact, any kind of change in my current situation scares me.

A good friend can be there for there for a bit of encouragement and a laugh, if you can do that, great!

It is very difficult not to be needy myself right now. I'll try to keep my distance, yet be available if my friend wants to talk. I am certainly not that much fun to be around because of the constant exhaustion, stress, and anxiety conjured up by my mind...although at least some of it seems grounded in reality.

(We all love them regardless of their species)

My goldfish sure means the world to me.

Stay focused on your goal, you are almost there!

Thank you! I don't think it's much of a goal, because my heart clearly isn't in it. But then I don't have a viable alternative, so proceeding with the status quo would seem much more sensible than self-destructing and hoping for a phoenix. A reliable source told me that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, probably because it's full of s...

[Scarlett.O'hara]

If you needed work done on a car to make it run properly you would get it fixed, so why should your mind be any different? Our mind and are health are the most important things we have. You need to be able to cope with all these challenges and changes facing you or you will break down. It happens to a lot of people, they become so overwhelmed they can't cope any more. The earlier you can get on top of things the better. I see no shame in seeking help.

 

Just because you aren't passionate about it doesn't mean it isn't a goal. I mean, you want to finish, right? If not then perhaps that is something you should talk to someone about, they might have another alternative you haven't considered. You should have positive things to look forward and immerse yourself in, otherwise life will be unbearable. You deserve more than that.

 

We don't always know where life is going to take us, so we need to try and have as much fun as possible along the way.

[Orion39]

I think too often we get focused on the fact that if we make something about us or are too inwardly focused then we are selfish and don't care about others. It is important we take care of ourselves first, if we are not healthy there is no way for us to be able to reach out to our friends and care for them. I found grad school for a Masters to be stressful and it impacted those around me, add in having to move plus doing a Doctoral program would add to the frustration. Maybe find some time when you and your flatmate can unwind and destress together.

[fands]

The earlier you can get on top of things the better.

Good point. Having a "pity party" just isn't helping at best, and is probably making it worse.

Just because you aren't passionate about it doesn't mean it isn't a goal. I mean, you want to finish, right?

Again, thank you. It is the investment of about a year, so it wouldn't be a good idea to wish away that time for an outcome that may be "ornamental." However, I don't know for sure if I can do this, so it's a challenge that has the potential to develop my character...and perhaps I will do this because I don't have a concrete alternative that is more promising.

You should have positive things to look forward and immerse yourself in, otherwise life will be unbearable.

Haha, I need a good distraction.

[fands]

, if we are not healthy there is no way for us to be able to reach out to our friends and care for them.

True enough.

Maybe find some time when you and your flatmate can unwind and destress together.

Thank you for sharing your experience. My flatmate doesn't appear to favour my company right now, but I will just be there for her if this changes. I probably need to either be doing something to improve my situation, or taking time to relax...instead of wallowing in perpetual anxiety (actually it does feel both overwhelming and paralysing at times).