itisdanielle Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 Mostly about friendship, kinda about dating so I hope it's okay posting in this section. One of my male friends has recently started ignoring me. We have been friends for around 7 years and have always gotten on really well. I last saw him a couple of months ago and he told me he had feelings for me and wanted us to go on a date. I have had feelings for him in the past too, though we have never been single at the same time and it never got in the way of our friendship, and currently feel the same way. I told him that I had feelings, yet I wasn't quite ready to date. I went through a tough break up at the end of last year and although I did want to go on a date with him, I was concerned that I might say yes and then when we went out it might be too soon and it could potentially mess up the friendship. I feel saying yes to the date at the time was the right decision. I explained the situation to him and he seemed to understand and reacted really well. After that night seeing him, we spoke as normal through text. However, after a week or so he stopped responding to me. I didn't really think anything of it at the time - things like that can always happen with friends if something is going on and eventually they will text and things are normal. Yet it went on for a month of hearing nothing. So I sent a text asking if everything is okay as I hadn't heard from him in a while. Again, no response. I left things again for a couple weeks then sent him a message a few days ago and again heard nothing. Now, normally if I rejected a date with a guy I would kinda expect him to not want to carry on talking and wouldn't normally send so many texts. But we have been friends for so long that I'm kind of baffled as to what's going on? I know I said no to a date, but it wasn't really a hard no, more of a not right now, which he seemed to totally understand. I've sent 3 unanswered texts, so I don't intend to say anything else to him now. But I am upset that he's acting this way, and although I do have feelings and would have hoped something would happen eventually, it's the friendship that I'm most concerned about right now. One thing that I've been thinking is that he has mentioned a couple of times in the past that friends of his have been mad at him as he goes through phases of ignoring them, though he's never done that to me so I'm not really sure of the circumstances - whether he was mad so ignored them, or going through a hard time etc. I also considered that he might be dating someone (which I still don't accept as an excuse to ignore a friend) but I saw some mutual friends yesterday and apparently this isn't the case. What are your thoughts? Is it something that I did, or would you say that this behaviour on his part is odd? Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 Assuming he's not dead or sth, it's certainly self-centered. And it's obvs about the rejection - don't fall into that trap of searching for excuses on his behalf. Just let him wear his big boy pants now and deal w/the reality of the non-date as well as the reality of spurning friends. He called his shot, you tried to help, he's refused. Let it be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 He probably read some of the stupid game-playing online pickup advice that is so prevalent online and on this board as well. He may think to get your attention, he has to ignore you. Or he may be dating and you are not on his mind or he's ethical and doesn't want to contact you while dating someone else who might not like that. Either way, all you do now is nothing. Don't play into it. Stop asking his friends about him. That's a little creepy. Just stop everything. If he values your friendship and wants just friendship, he'll reappear. If he doesn't want just friendship, he may give you more time and show up later if he doesn't find somoene he likes better. Do NOT reward him for bad behavior by continuing to contact him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Offspring Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 sent him a message Pick up the phone and call him! That way, you can have a decent, adult conversation and clear up any misunderstandings without making assumptions. I've said it before and I'll say it again: phonecall > text (new form of communication makes us "lazy", and creates more hassle than it's worth due to the indirectness of it all). Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 He probably read some of the stupid game-playing online pickup advice that is so prevalent online and on this board as well. He may think to get your attention, he has to ignore you. That's what I was thinking. Or he'll have asked a friend for advice and been given the kind of relationship-sabotaging advice people like to give others, but wouldn't actually follow themselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kamani Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 How old are you two? If he has feelings for you,wants more than friendship seriously, and if you are not ready for that, he definitely has to end the friendship. It's as simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author itisdanielle Posted May 10, 2016 Author Share Posted May 10, 2016 Thanks for the advice everyone Jen and preraph - that was my thought too, not to reach out again. Ignoring me once is one thing, could easily be accidental/not mean anything, but doing it repeatedly feels like a pretty strong message. Taramere - if he was doing it to get my attention, I would have thought that me messaging him a couple of times would have gotten a response? Offspring - I feel a bit uncomfortable calling at this point. In the past I wouldn't have, but I feel like I've reached out a lot already. But then I don't want this to be the end of us ever speaking, yet if he was really my friend surely he wouldn't have let it get to that point. kamani - we are 25. Maybe his silence is his way of ending the friendship? Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 Seven years is a long time to be friends with someone and then toss it aside bc you were gently let down with a valid explanation. A true friend, even if he was butt hurt at the time, would have responded to your texts. You've reached out several times already. Leave him be. The ball is in his court. Maybe he isn't the kind of friend you thought he was . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 Taramere - if he was doing it to get my attention, I would have thought that me messaging him a couple of times would have gotten a response? Not necessarily. Some dysfunctional/immature ppl like to keep repentant ppl (or ppl who seem to be extending an olive branch) in the penalty box as a bizarre form of self-validation. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 danielle, So I sent a text asking if everything is okay as I hadn't heard from him in a while. Again, no response. I left things again for a couple weeks then sent him a message a few days ago and again heard nothing. This is just plain bad manners. Move on. Sorry x Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted May 10, 2016 Share Posted May 10, 2016 I have a friend like this. He made it clear that he wanted to date me but I have never been interested in him. He has tried these strange tactics that must be about trying to get my attention. I'm just simply not attracted to him. Period. No tactic on earth is going to change that. The last contact was me calling him to wish him a happy birthday, which he ignored. A few months later, he called me on my birthday. Everything seemed fairly normal. After that, nothing. I figure if he wants to play those games, then fine. I don't waste my time trying to figure out games. Link to post Share on other sites
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