consoling a friend in foreclosure?

[d0nnivain]

Just got a teary phone call from a friend who just learned today that she lost her last legal appeal to stop the foreclosure on her house.

 

My heart breaks for her. Unless I win the lottery in the next few days, it's not like I can give her money to fix this before she gets forcibly removed.

 

Because she is not my husband's favorite person, I can't offer to let her stay with us while she finds a new place to live. If I thought that would be a short term fix (less than a week) I'd talk him into it but she had no meaningful prospects.

 

I will take her animals for what little comfort that may offer but I can't put her up long term.

 

Her family all lives out of state.

 

I previously gave her lists of agencies to help prevent homelessness. I also got her a job. She lasted less then a month before getting fired so I'm kinda done trying to help her get back on her feet. She has been chronically unemployed for at least 5 years, hence the foreclosure.

 

I doubt it but can anybody think of anything I could say? I mean words are kind of useless. If there is something concrete I'm not thinking of, I'm open to suggestions.

 

I feel almost mean / cruel / selfish for not offering to let her live with us but seriously from an intellectual perspective, I know that is not a long term solution & her presence would destroy my marriage.

[Methodical]

As you stated in your last sentence, you can't allow someone else's problems to become your own. You helped her obtain a job and she lost it in less than a month. That said, the writing is on the wall - habitually unemployed for what I assume is no good reason. (Fairly good health and abled body.) Also, bc she has no prospective job or housing lined up, I doubt she'd become motivated to move out once she settled in, and if you had to ask her to leave, she'd likely not thank you for your hospitality and, in fact, you'd become the bad guy.

 

You aren't missing anything, imo. You have helped her obtain a job, given her a list of agencies in hopes of preventing this situation and lent an ear. You are offering to take in her pets, which is a great gesture, btw. I think you've exhausted all feasible possibilities.

[SammySammy]

Life is saying all that needs to be said.

[d0nnivain]

There were some valid reasons for her unemployment initially. She does suffer from depression but so do millions of others who go to work every day.

 

I'm just a sucker for wounded birds, I guess.

[d0nnivain]

Life is saying all that needs to be said.

 

 

Huh?

 

Apparently that isn't all that needs to be said because I have no idea what you are talking about. Can you please elaborate?

[SammySammy]

Huh?

 

Apparently that isn't all that needs to be said because I have no idea what you are talking about. Can you please elaborate?

 

I'm saying sometimes life lessons are hard to learn. The importance of getting and keeping a job, paying bills on time, so on and so forth. You tried to help her by getting her a job. I'm quite sure others tried to help her also. She didn't learn. Sometimes life - the consequences of our choices - is our best teacher.

 

Now, she has the opportunity to learn from this and move on. If she chooses to learn the lesson. Whether she learns the lesson or not, it's not necessary for you to say anything. You have been a good friend. That's enough.

[basil67]

Can she go back home to her family? As she doesn't have a job or rental ties, it seems like a logical solution.

[Deirdra]

She's been very lucky to have you as a friend. Getting her a job and offering to take her animals are two huge gestures. She now needs things beyond your scope.

 

A friend of ours went through a rough period that had her couch surfing.

Lost her job, lost her condo and floundered.

 

Friends did what we could. Eventually, she reunited with out-of-state family and moved in with them. It's a good thing too : it's taken her a year to cobble together a life. It's still a work in progress. None of her friends could have sustained her for that long. She needed more on-site, helping hands once she bottomed out to that level. That's something that family can give (provided they're decent) so I second basil's advice.

[preraph]

Well, I'm really glad you took her pets. She might be able to get in a homeless shelter. She really needs to see if she can fix her depression and get back to work. I guess no kids, so not eligible for welfare? There is a terrible gap there for people without kids who have mental illness disability.

 

I think maybe trying to help her get Social Security Disability might be worth a shot, but I don't know how hard that is to accomplish. Then she'd maybe at least be able to afford a place with a roommate.

 

One resource site:

https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Public-Policy/Social-Security-Income-(SSI)-and-Social-Security-D

[preraph]

I should also add this:

 

My sister nearly lost her home due to her being addicted to a video game and detaching from reality. She was all ready to just let it happen, didn't have enough sense to sit and think about another way.

 

I told her she should at least put it up for sale and not let them take it. This may be too late for your friend if foreclosure is a done deal. But if she has any equity at all, at least if she sold, she'd get some money out of it.

 

Don't suppose you and your hubby are looking for a rental property? Nah.

[d0nnivain]

It's not as simple as her not trying.

 

 

The troubles began when her adult daughter died suddenly in the house. My friend's daughter had come home for Mother's Day weekend & announced she was tired. My friend told her daughter to take a nap while she (my friend) took the dogs for a walk. When my friend returned she found her daughter dead in her bed having had a brain aneurism. It was horrible.

 

 

After leaving an abusive marriage my friend has cobbled together a series of contract positions Then after the economy turned those were harder to come by & it was tough for her to concentrate due to her depression over her daughter.

 

 

Because she was never able to get a job her mortgage company approved, they refused to put her in a mortgage forbearance program where she could get reduced monthly payments. With the attorney's fees etc. now the amount to buy the house out of foreclosure is astronomical compared to the value of the house.

 

 

In the last few years, since the foreclosure was filed, she goes on interviews but doesn't get the job. The few employers who told her why said they offered the job to candidates who had better credit ratings. This mortgage is her only debt. She doesn't have credit card debt or even student loans.

 

 

I just feel so awful for her. I was hoping somebody could offer me concrete advice about how to give her some measure of kindness at this point. Tough love would be too harsh.

 

 

I have provided her with contact info for various agencies who could potentially help including the VA because she was in the military in college.