PieceTablo Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 I have been having this issue with women, namely that it is very hard for me to be friends with them. I basically see women in three camps: 1. The boring ones 2. The ones that are great, but just not relationship material for some reason 3. The ones that I would actively pursue a relationship with I have no problem becoming friends with the first ones (which basically is a friendship where I feel like I am providing all the value). It may sound mean, but I only hang out with those because there is nobody better. Then the second and third group, I feel like we are both seeing if we like each other more than just friends, so that either evolves into a relationship or not. Sometimes I feel that the whole thing is very covert, so it's not like we are obviously dating or anything. But if it doesn't evolve into anything, and I make it clear that I'm not interested (in a subtle way), instead of staying friends, it seems they completely back off. Like "Oh, no romance? Then nothing!". And these are the girls I do want to be friends with, since obviously they had interesting qualities that I liked, otherwise I would not even have considered them. And I imagine it's the same way vice versa. But it always just devolves into them slowly fading away, or suddenly disappearing. Like a concrete example I had some time ago: I was talking to quite a few interesting girls. A bit of flirting sometimes, but we had good conversations, so it seemed to be a solid foundation for a friendship too. Then I state that I'm seeing a girl I like. Then they seem all interested, ask about her, etc. Then they just disappear and I an't get a hold of them anymore. Is there any way to counteract this? I thought about just not flirting at all, but I have a very flirtatious personality, and I don't want to lose out on a future relationship purely because I'm too scared to flirt and endanger a potential friendship. Or am I just unlucky? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Usually women can be friends with guys, but not if they're crushing on you or just not looking for a male friend. My guess is you will keep some of those friendships and others will have to stop before they get their hearts broken. They're smart for taking off once they find out you're not interested in them. As far as how you act that is bringing this on, I would say if you know you are not attracted to someone romantically, then do NOT flirt with that person at all. Because that is very misleading. Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 The issue is this, I'm assuming: You are missing a category. Category #4 should be women who are "one of the guys." Just as those women make awesome and fun friends to guys, so, too does the guy who is accepted as "one of the girls." I have no guy friends. None. Zero. All my friends are women. I go out with little packs of them to clubs and stuff. We do lunches. I help them find Smashbox, Makeup Forever and MAC things. We dance, we party, go to the beach, we enjoy so many things in life. It works because I'm the guy that's accepted as "one of the girls" (they are all early 20's btw). Sure we mess up and hook up by mistake sometimes, but we laugh it off. Your best bet at maintaining solid female friendships is to get on their level. Be accepted as one of them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExtraSpice Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 It works because I'm the guy that's accepted as "one of the girls" (they are all early 20's btw). How did you get to be accepted as one of them? The most resistance, at least that I have noticed is that the approach for friendship may be taken as interest for something more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PieceTablo Posted February 7, 2016 Author Share Posted February 7, 2016 How did you get to be accepted as one of them? The most resistance, at least that I have noticed is that the approach for friendship may be taken as interest for something more. That's what I am wondering too. I honestly have a lot of female 'friends' but like I said in the OP, they're all girls who I do not find interesting (neither romantically, nor as friends). I am on their level they get to complain about their lives to me, and I am decent at making jokes and making them laugh. So it's very much a one-way street. I guess part of the problem for me is that I have high standards. My best friends are still people who I got to know at high school. Link to post Share on other sites
Abby546 Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I don't believe in friendship between men and women as there is a flirt that can break your relationship (if currently you are married or dating someone). If we discuss friends here, do you really believe in friendship? Thanks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vicky4227 Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 With women it can be complicated at times because what works for one will not work for the other. It can be hard to explain most of the time Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I was talking to quite a few interesting girls. A bit of flirting sometimes, but we had good conversations, so it seemed to be a solid foundation for a friendship too. Then I state that I'm seeing a girl I like. Then they seem all interested, ask about her, etc. Then they just disappear and I an't get a hold of them anymore. They're being polite, IMO, but the reality is you're seeing someone, admit that, after having flirted with them. That tends to rub women the wrong way. Imagine conjuring up every memory of a guy who's screwed them over blazing around that ball of wire and shooting lightning bolts out their eyes. Is there any way to counteract this? I thought about just not flirting at all, but I have a very flirtatious personality, and I don't want to lose out on a future relationship purely because I'm too scared to flirt and endanger a potential friendship. Or am I just unlucky? If you want to be friends with women, be friends, like you are with your male friends, and focus on shared interests. If you want to date women, ask them on dates. Be unambiguous. In any event, if you want to date a woman, for a healthy relationship, don't talk about other women. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I can be friends - and only that - even with women I find very attractive. If there is a reason or boundary to keep it platonic, I can and will. It's simply a choice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Got any female cousins? Sisters? The women I'm friends with mentally fall into that category. I look at them as family. That usually does the trick 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 How did you get to be accepted as one of them? The most resistance, at least that I have noticed is that the approach for friendship may be taken as interest for something more. Sorry for the late response. I've been traveling and very busy. The way to be accepted as one of the girls is to: Be nice, friendly and talkative. Don't talk about stupid guy stuff. Have manners and hygiene. But... most importantly, friend zone every one of them like they are your own sister. Do not think of them in a sexualized manner at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer3 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 I don't believe in friendship between men and women as there is a flirt that can break your relationship (if currently you are married or dating someone). If we discuss friends here, do you really believe in friendship? Thanks I agree with you Abby. I can chat on the forum with men but I can't be friends with men in real life. First off I'm not into guy stuff, cars, sports, etc. and if a man wants to be friends with me it's usually because they find me attractive. In fact, I don't remember any man wanting to talk to me for any length of time unless they wanted to look at me. It's OK. It's normal. If I found a guy attractive and he made me laugh then I'd get aroused and that would be uncomfortable. IRL all my friends are female. It's easier. Link to post Share on other sites
candycane82 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 What's this "be one of the girls" or "be one of the guys" bs? I don't know who you people hang out with but I have male and female friends (I'm female) and have more guy friends solely because my job is majority male. I was also raised with four brothers. But I don't "act like one of the guys" to be around guys. I'm just me. If they like me, they do. If not, oh well. Not my problem. And NONE of my male friends ever "act like one of the girls" to hang out with me or other girls. Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 What's this "be one of the girls" or "be one of the guys" bs? I don't know who you people hang out with but I have male and female friends (I'm female) and have more guy friends solely because my job is majority male. I was also raised with four brothers. But I don't "act like one of the guys" to be around guys. I'm just me. If they like me, they do. If not, oh well. Not my problem. And NONE of my male friends ever "act like one of the girls" to hang out with me or other girls. There is a subtle distinct between being one of the girls and acting like a girl. I don't act like a girl. I am one of the girls though when with them. It's basically a gender neutral thing. it's a friend zone thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Summer3 Posted February 12, 2016 Share Posted February 12, 2016 There is a subtle distinct between being one of the girls and acting like a girl. I don't act like a girl. I am one of the girls though when with them. It's basically a gender neutral thing. it's a friend zone thing. That sounds nice. But my friend zone thing never worked. When I clicked with a male there was always sexual tension underneath. What can I say? I'm too sexy. Link to post Share on other sites
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