Overbearing friend

[persephone28]

The background to this story is I have recently moved to Yorkshire and renting a room from an older lady. I recently qualified as a barrister, suffered a severe amount of stress in the job and now in the process of starting my own business (not in the legal profession) and working odd jobs. The room rental is temporary but I can't afford to get my own place at the moment. I do actually know this lady, as I rented a room from her a few years ago when I was in a similar situation. She was OK before, a bit of a 'me me me' person, and yes, nosy, but I had my own space - bigger house also she was married at the time. I obviously liked her enough to feel comfortable renting from her again - I found it a positive experience living with her before, it was a nice, family sort of environment and we got along pretty well. However, she has recently split with her husband and things have changed. 3 guys also rent rooms in the house and I get on with them fine. However, this landlady, lets call her Paula, is really making my life a misery at the moment.

 

First and foremost, she likes to know your schedule. A typical conversation with her - and this happens pretty much daily - is 'what are you up to today?', 'what time are you leaving', 'what time will you be back'. If I'm working a shift she'll ask 'how long is the shift' or 'is it a full day or a half day'. She'll ask what I've got planned for the following day. Then she'll say 'Oh, and on Saturday you're at so and so, right?'. And then she might go on to tell me what the other housemates schedules are. She asks the same thing almost every day, even if you've just been over it the day before. It is getting to the point where I feel genuinely anxious about going into the communal areas because I don't want to be interrogated. Sometimes, she'll ask me (and others in the house) if you're doing anything at a certain time, and if you say no, she'll say 'oh great because I was wondering if you'd be able to help me do X'. Sometimes she just wants to know what you're up to out of pure nosiness. If you go out without saying goodbye, or having a 'chat' first, (basically if she doesn't know where you've gone) when you get in she is sure to make a massive deal out of it and make you feel awkward by saying something like 'oh, and where did you rush off to this morning?' or 'god, you were running around like a headless chicken this morning!'. Even if you weren't actually in a rush, you might have just left quickly and not lingered around long enough to endure her line of questioning. A classic example - one morning recently, the first thing she said to me (even before my coffee) was 'do you know where Phil went this morning? Well, he left the house very early. I hope everything was alright. He hadn't told me he would be leaving early this morning'. Then told the other housemate when he got up. Turns out Phil was just picking his mum up from the airport.

 

Another thing is, she tends to be nosy, controlling and interfering under the guise of help and care and in a way which is patronising and actually quite undermining. I was talking about my business, and attending biker events. She said 'of course, you'll need me to go with you to those because, of course, I know how to deal with the bikers whereas you don't'. Note, she is in no way involved in my business (as far as I am concerned - she might have other ideas). Shes also not a biker!! Just fancies herself able to deal with anyone. She made a similar comment saying 'of course you wouldn't know what a clutch on it's way out would sound like, so you'd need someone to help you with choosing a van'. She has offered to come to business meetings with me because people might not take me seriously, being a young female. I've had a couple of chats with her about my business idea (mistake - I realise that now!) and mid way through, she has said 'ah! I know someone who can help with that!' made a phone call to someone she knows and told them 'I have a referral for you' giving them my contact details. Without asking me.

 

She constantly talks about herself and has to be the centre of attention all of the time. Mostly everything she says is a sentence starting with 'I' this and 'I' that. A really extreme example was when my housemate Phil said he knew someone in the same business as what I want to go into and he could put me in touch - the guy might even have a bit of work for me. Paula butt in and said 'and I am also available if he has any work for me!'.

 

One thing I have noticed about her is that with lots of people she knows, she focuses on their problems when she talks about them as if it's all just one big drama and they NEED her to survive. She seems fixated on terminal or serious illness, controlling abusive relationships, child abuse, etc.etc. For example, there is her friend with MS who 'cant cope with anything because her brain can't process it and she gets all confused so she needs my help'; there's someone she does work for with terminal cancer, who Paula advised because she knows all about it; there's her ex husband who is clinically depressed; there's Phil with a drink problem; I can't remember any more, but it's constant. It's quite tiring and negative and sometimes quite distressing to listen to, but she seems to get energy from other people's problems and suffering. Especially when she is 'helping' in some way. But then, I think it is highly inappropriate for her to tell me these things, and wonder what on earth she must be telling people about me!

 

I have made the fatal mistake of telling her I had a troubled relationship with my mum. Well, she loves that of course. Now and again she makes scathing remarks about my mum and it makes me feel really uncomfortable, upset and actually quite defensive of my mum even if they are true. It's OK for me to slag her off, not you! Except it isn't OK for me to slag off my mum, and now I feel incredibly guilty. I really miss my mum at the moment, love her so, so much and really desperately want to repair our relationship. Paula sees me as a little project. Her daughter has even said to me that she is my 'surrogate mum' which I actually find rather creepy. Paula knows I have anxiety at the moment, and keeps suggesting I have hypnotherapy to treat it. I cant afford hypnotherapy - I work 12 hours a week at a bloody cafe. I've told her this. She keeps suggesting it. She has actually proceeded to obtain details about a hypnotherapist from a notice board and pass them to me. I don't actually WANT hypnotherapy or believe it will work, even if I could afford to pay for it. I haven't told her this.

Now, the thing is, she has started to get increasingly overbearing in that I feel like she is really starting to step into my personal space. She has actually, on two occasions, answered questions on my behalf when I was talking to Phil. Once, I told Phil I was going to this nature reserve place nearby. He said 'what are you going there for?' and Paula said, without even blinking 'just a walk'. She reacted as though he was talking to her, except she wasn't even in the conversation. I laughed, looked at her and said 'are you me??'. Tried to make a joke out of it whilst making it clear how outrageous it was! She just chuckled and looked down, a bit embarrassingly I should add. It happened again a few days later, I can't remember what was said now. She has wrapped up and frozen food I have made, without asking me; hung out my washing (underwear etc); let herself into my room to tell me something completely irrelevant and unnecessary; talked to me through my bedroom door; stood at the dinner table talking incessantly while I am eating my dinner; talked to me through the bathroom door; asked if she can come in and get her phone while I am in the bathroom, taking a poo.

From the moment I wake up and go downstairs to the kitchen to make my morning coffee, or the moment she walks in the door, I just feel completely bombarded by her. I can't even sit on the toilet without fear of her invading my space, or shut myself in the sanctuary of my bedroom when I just need to be on my own.

I feel as though I can't show any emotion, or tell her anything about my life, without getting 20 questions about it, her interfering, making phonecalls on my behalf, trying to 'network'. I can see the little cogs going round in her head, thinking 'how can I get involved in this situation?'. So, I just try not to talk to her anymore, but she gets offended if I don't seem in the mood to chat, asking me if she has offended me and am I alright. She is not easy to fob off with general answers because of the level of detail she needs - she'll carry on questioning until she gets it.

 

Obviously, I need to move out. The problem is I can't really afford it at the moment (desperately working on that) and I am also really quite anxious about telling her when the time comes that I will be moving out. I am very worried about that conversation, that she will take offence and that it will be awkward.

 

It might seem from this post that I am a bit of a weakling - I suppose I can be a bit of a yes person and don't like confrontation - Paula is also very domineering and actually I am a little intimidated by her. Mainly her general demeanour, but also what she is capable of actually doing - she is not the sort of person I really want to get on the wrong side of, as she told me that she once ruined someone's business, who had spread a rumour about her.

 

Despite the negative focus of this post on Paula, actually, we have been friends, had some laughs: she has given me some good insights, told me some interesting stories, helped me out a few times. I do like her, but in very, very small doses. I think she genuinely cares about me, but is so self absorbed that it is difficult for her to express it in a way that does not also serve her ego somehow. I do think this is also an unfortunate situation, in that her husband has recently left her, leaving a gaping hole in her life - being a naturally nosy and overbearing person, she is filling that hole by needing to know even more of everyone's business than she does normally. I think she is very insecure and she needs to feel needed - at a low point in her life this trait is completely exacerbated. I feel bad for her, and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I feel that I have brought this situation on because I started by telling Paula a lot of my problems. She is the kind of person who asks and I suppose I just needed someone to talk to and a sort of a mother figure. So, perhaps I'm unfair to suddenly change my feelings. However, I have found that her nosiness and need to know the ins and outs of my life is starting to get too much and actually, the relationship has changed. Maybe I have changed. I need a way out of this situation, but I'm not sure exactly how to go about it.

 

Any ideas, insights, suggestions, anything that I may be doing or approaching wrong? Similar experiences?

 

Thank you in advance!!

Edited January 27, 2016 by persephone28

[preraph]

She's taken a maternal role with you. I guess if she was alright before when you rented from her and has changed this much, maybe she misses the interaction of her family or husband. I really think you need to sit her down and see if she can understand that while you consider her a friend, you do not view her as your mother and that even though you have a weird relationship with your mother, you are not wanting to live with any mother figure who is keeping tabs on you. Maybe a good way to start is, Please don't take offense, but I need more privacy. I know your intentions are good, but I don't want anyone keeping tabs on me. I'm a full grown woman. If she takes deep offense to this and won't back off, it doesn't sound like you should stay there. I can't imagine why the men put up with it.

[whichwayisup]

This woman has serious control issues and also has no respect for anybody's privacy and has no boundaries. You and your roommates need to talk together as a group, figure out a respectful way to talk to her calmly and set up rules and boundaries. It's NONE of her business if someone gets up early and goes out. Nor is it her business to know such details and feeling the need to go with you or anybody else to certain functions. She sounds toxic and overbearing!

 

Don't feel too bad about moving out. Save your money, start looking asap. Don't worry so much about offending her, this is your life and your peace of mind at stake, you can't NOT go on in fear of what she may or may not feel and how she'll react. if she is a true and real friend she'll respect your desire to move, and who knows maybe the friendship will be better without her being your landlord.

[SpiralOut]

I read halfway through your post and figured out pretty quickly that this woman needs to feel important. That's why she acts the way that she does. She needs some other activity to keep her busy, maybe volunteer work of some kind. If you happen to know of someone or someplace that needs help, you could work it into the conversation and see how she reacts.

 

 

When you are able to move out, don't worry about offending her. She doesn't know you are leaving because of her. Have a line ready in case she asks why you're moving... that you just feel it is time to move on and you're thankful for her help.

[privategal]

Woah. I am so private I could not handle it, even my husband doesnt question me like that.

This is a stressful awful way of life and you'd really be better off getting out.

This is a business agreement not a friendship. I wonder if she snoops in your rooms.

Either way its very concerning to walk on eggshells to go to the kitchen and you might as well have moved home with your parents.

I think you should just leave, discussing with her is pointless it will just be awkward.

Aren't you tempted to say "NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS"?

[persephone28]

Spiralgal: I agree she needs something to fill a gap in her life, but I think it is more of an emotional need than an actual time on her hands issue. She's always 'busy', talking on the phone with people, going out, working. When she gets back she can't stop telling you everything she's done, the things she's bought, every little exchange that happened, reads out her texts to me. And it's really boring, banal stuff too. Then she starts on me. It's like she can't switch off, she's insatiable. So, I see what you're saying about her volunteering or something, but it's not really like that. What she needs is validation which will never happen because it's really about how she feels about herself, I think. I agree she needs to feel important. I've been looking at places, rooms, etc anything to get out. I've been trying to be extra nice to her so that she has no idea I'm moving out because of her. Yes, I will definitely just have to think of an excuse. Thanks for the advice.

 

Privategal - YES!! Thing is she's a bit of an intimidating person. She got a bit shirty with me last night and it made me feel really quite uncomfortable.

 

As a result, I don't think me and my roomates will be getting together and talking to her. It's her house, see. It just feels wrong.

 

I've been trying to keep away from the house but, Ive hardly got any money right now and I have loads of stuff to do on my computer with starting my business so I need to be at home. Sigh. Just got to try and grin and bear it until I can move out.

 

It was really good to be able to vent and thanks to everyone for your feedback!

[SpiralOut]

Ah okay, well in that case I agree that nothing can be done to really help her.

 

Are there any libraries in your area where you could do your computer work? Perhaps a local college or university with study areas? Nobody should notice or care that you're not a student there, or at least not here they wouldn't.

 

Good luck with your situation.

[persephone28]

yeah - will try that. Probably less likely to get side tracked too! Thank you.

[privategal]

On craigslist theres like 200 places you can rent a room. Im serious do you know what that kind of energy and stress does to you long term? It raises cortisol levels and makes you sick. Plus its draining. Your just zapped of energy and happiness. I really feel for you and hope you can escape soon.

[persephone28]

You know, you're absolutely right privategal. I have been feeling really, quite low lately, particularly since I broke up with a guy I was seeing and as a result been in the house more. I was out all the time when I first moved in. But things have really intensified in the house since I have been home more and Paula has been really mega on my case. Strangely I didn't really realise that my feeling depressed and low might have to do with her. I have been looking at places, nothing quite right yet, but I am looking at a place on Sunday which looks really promising. I'm desperate to move now.