My ex-bestfriend's dad passed away, I didn't know if I should reach out to him or not

[Emily_Umpire]

I had a best friend for around 17 years, we go way back since school, through college, work,etc. we hung out in the same group for years, had lots of fun times, went of holidays together, were super close.

 

I say in my thread title 'ex-bestfriend' because in the last couple of years we had sadly dramatically drifted apart- life unfortunately just got in the way as things change in your late twenties i guess- people get 'real' jobs, settle down with partners, move out of town etc. we never fell out or had a fight, just drifted apart and the last couple of years went by with minimal contact.

 

I was upset that we had drifted but afew times recently when I'd tried to get the old gang together and initiate meeting/reunions, etc. it proved unsuccessful and they didn't seem to want to know. our only recent contact in the last year was through facebook and it seemed that when i reached out to him, he had moved on with his life.

 

i'm quite a private person so I actually dislike social media but ironically it was through social media that i then recently found out that my ex-best friend's dad had passed away. i really wanted to reach out again to him and express condolences as i'd known his dad and my friend and i practically grew up together so i'd met him loads of times when i was a fixture in my friends life over the years.

 

However, i didn't want it to look like i was 'stalking' my old friends facebook as we aren't that close anymore or- more specifically- i didn't want him to think i was using his dad's death to try to re-ignite our friendship!! as i had recently tried to do that before his dad passed away. (this would be totatally inapprpriate in learning of his dads death and was not my intention at all- i simply wanted to express sympathy) ....so i left it for a few days to think what i should do. Basically just BEFORE his dad died I had tried to contact him and he snubbed me.

 

as i don't like social media i don't find it an appropriate way of expressing condolences (it seems a little insencere) and i'd have preferred to have posted a card rather than a facebook message but as we weren't close for the last couple of years I didn't have my friends new address.

 

one thing that really bothered me was that i wasn't personally told of his father's passing from the other members of our old gang (mutual friends) the last time something like this happened they lifted the phone and told me personally (even after a long time of not speaking) and another time it happened very recently when another 'mutual friend's' mother died they'd sent a text and I in turn then sent flowers but this time no one thought to inform me and i was a little hurt by that!! (this sounds selfish but i am just being honest)

 

i wanted so badly to reach out to my ex best friend but I wasn't sure what to say. anyway, in my few days of not knowing what to do- i noticed that my ex best friend then suddenly deleted me from his facebook and i was gutted. i am assuming this was because i hadn't reached out to him about his fathers death as we were once so close. i am the only person he has deleted (he keeps people on there he met once 12 years ago- but deleted me) i am sure he is devastated at his fathers passing and i think i know him well enough to know he probably deleted me because i didn't write to him about it. but then, he has no way of knowing if i knew his dad had died, no one told me, i just happened to see on facebook when i was being nosey that he had

 

did i completely f*ck this up and do the wrong thing?

 

should i now just leave it with my old friend and not try to reach out again?

 

has anyone here been in a simlar situation?

Edited November 18, 2015 by Emily_Umpire

[FeelingFireworks]

Firstly, Sorry about your friends dad.

 

There may be reasons unbeknownst to you that your friend cut you off...a secret grudge, jealousy, or maybe something that happened that you thought was minor/dealt with that he actually holds onto? Or he simply feels you have no place in his present life, regardless of anything that may/may not have happened. Although, the fact mutual friends haven't said anything to you makes me think they may know something you don't. It's a possibility....that being said, I think speculation in this situation is likely to lead to nowhere. The person has to disclose the reason for no contact to you and it looks like he isn't.

 

If it were me, I'd respect the fact he no longer wants you in his life. You tried before the death, he snubbed you. After the death, he deleted you with no provocation. So In a time when he's likely to experience the stages of grieving (anger being one), I'd steer clear. Although it may hurt for you, remember that according to him you 'don't know' about his dad's passing, so don't even try to blame yourself for the fact you haven't sent your condolences as a reason why he deleted you from FB.

 

Maybe after reasonable time has settled and one can assume word has spread to you, you can perhaps reach out. Though If it were me personally I wouldn't...I treat people as they treat me and life goes on. But I don't know how strong your bond was so that is entirely your decision.

 

(And regarding prior experiences, I've had very similar situations and this is what I honestly do. Much like in dating, I don't go over and beyond in my efforts if it's not acknowledged/reciprocated. Tough rule, but one that will give you much freedom. Good luck).

[d0nnivain]

Send a condolence card. If your budget allows, perhaps a small donation to something meaningful in his honor. You are not obligated to do anything else.

[preraph]

If he knows you're on his Facebook, then express condolences. If you are somehow looking at his Facebook without him knowing, then don't unless someone else tells you about it.