*****Am I expecting too much? *****

[KittyKat67]

I have a childhood girl friend who I have never had a connection with anyone else. She has always made me feel loved when I see her. I have since gone to counseling for my own issues and am getting a better perspective of our friendship. About 10 years ago she moved to hawaii and was in some really bad relationships. She rarely called me and when she did, it was like maybe once every 6 months. I needed her to talk to but eventually realized that I couldn't get a hold of her so it was not possible. She would call me when she needed something to talk about though. So I held on to resentments, eventually told her off and she cut me off for 5 years. Fast forward, we re connected and have picked up with more love for eachother and friendship.

 

Here is where my question lies. I have begun to notice how selfish she is. When she calls she over talks, takes up almost all the conversation about herself, when she asks me about me, if I respond, she makes it about her and again takes control of the conversation. So I just listen. Last week I ws really depressed and called her. When I told her I was having a breakdown, she said she had to go as she was frying fish. WTH? So I texted her and told her how I felt and hurt. She never apologizes but told me she loves me and she had 5 pans of fish frying. OHH KAY.

 

This week I had an abnormal stress test. I am due to speak to a cardiologist next week. I have health anxiety and called her immediatly when I left the hospital. She proceeded to tell me that Im fine and that I'm a hypochondriac. I felt like she was very dismissive and hurt. I had a strong fear that day and needed support. I have since texted her telling her she is being judgemental and non supportive, now she says I[m full of bull**** and told me she needs space. I did tell her that I have been supportive during her times of chronic marijuana use, her being lazy not showing up for work, then listening to her complain about people getting mad at her. She then told me to leave her alone for awhile.

 

What is hurting me more than ever, is I may have a heart condition and any good friend I would think, would put her anger aside and say,, hey maybe I din't like hwat you said, but are you ok? Ihope everything works out...or something like that but nope. I"m getting iced out because I called her on her bullsh*t. I'[ve known her for 20 years and am feeling unsure about if my expectation are too high. Any advice?

[d0nnivain]

I have a friend like her. I stopped expecting her to provide me with support. I rarely call her any more. I texted her for her birthday. I stopped expecting her to be there for me the way I'm there for her. While I still listen to her, I have a lot less stress in my life now that I stopped putting myself in a position where she can hurt me by failing to live up to my expectations because I no longer have expectations concerning her.

[agitatedorange]

I think even just asking the question you did is very wise and is part of your own answer. If we expect something from friends that they can't or won't give us (ever or just anymore), we end up miserable. I learned this 20 years ago when my mother was dying and my best friend checked out of my life. Years later, we reconnected, and I'd love to go sit and have coffee together or chat about whatever, but I can't expect her to actually be there for me when my world is falling apart unless I want to be disappointed.

 

Maybe it sounds cold, but I kind of rank my already small circle of friends based on expectation. I have just 2-3 that I'd expect would be there for me almost no matter what. A small handful that might be there to some degree. And a bigger handful that I just enjoy the interactions we have but wouldn't really count on. The hardest part is when people fall out of that top spot.

 

It sounds like your friend has done that. Maybe she could be there again someday or maybe not, but if you expect her to be that kind of friend, you'll probably only get hurt. I think it's great that you told her honestly how you feel. From there, it's up to her.

 

I'm so sorry. I'm dealing with my own loss of friendship all during a really difficult period in my life, and it's heartbreaking, so I think I get how you feel that way.