Veryconfused12345 Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 Hi Everyone, I'm feeling quite anxious and depressed about a pretty dramatic falling out with someone and thought you lovely people might be able to help with perspective... My friend, or perhaps ex-friend now, who I will refer to as Jon here came by my house about 5 days ago asking to talk because he was upset that his boyfriend was impinging on his sense of independence and that he was feeling trapped. I gave as much support as I could (the dynamic is very much one where I support him and reassure him as he's quite a depressive person and his entire family has passed away in the last few years, so perhaps I serve more of a mother figure role.) At any rate I gave him some tough love and told him to discuss these things with his partner. He seemed fairly receptive at the time of conversation. However that same night I got a series of very aggressive messages from his partner accusing me of being "abusive" to Jon which would never be my attention. This also implies came straight home and told his partner what I said, apparently while twisting my words. To make matters worse, I as a favour and to help them both out as they were struggling financially, had given Jon's partner a big contract for website design. However after these abusive messages he ended the conversation by saying that he's resigned, leaving me without a web designer 3 weeks before the launch of the site at a big event. My job has been jeopardised as a result. I then received a series of vitriolic emails from Jon accusing me of not having enough life experience or turbulence in my own life to be able to comment on how he leads his life. He said I had greatly hurt his partner - despite I having only spoken to Jon in the car and not saying anything about his partner or their relationship. I didn't answer as I was a) confused as to what I had said to start this off b) panicked about my job c) really hurt. I wrote him saying I was "still hurt and my job was in jeopardy and that I would appreciate a bit of space right now." To which Jon sent yet another email saying I was immature and that they chose to keep me in their life despite my "vicious comments." When I asked him what I had said to instigate all of this, I got no response. I haven't heard from him since and frankly I'm a bit shell-shocked and profoundly confused. We are not young kids - I'm a woman in my late 20s and he's in his early 30s - I would have thought this could be resolved with a calm conversation between two adults. I have known and trusted this guy for 4 years and considered him my closest confidant and most loyal friend. This all frankly, seems crazy. He has had a tough life as has his partner and they're both quite prone to anxiety and depression which of course I'm sympathetic to but still, I genuinely don't even know how to resolve this or move forward. Any insights in to what I might have missed would be really appreciated right now. Thank you so much 1 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 (edited) Learn to have boundaries and mind your own business.a friend tells their friend to sort it out between themselves....... your not his "mother" and even mothers make children solve their own interpersonal problems for the future. Mothers also step back for kids to self soothe. YOU'RE NOT HIS MOTHER!! you're a self righteous friend" Mind your own BUSINESS!! Edited October 3, 2015 by casey.lives Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 Learn to have boundaries and mind your own business.a friend tells their friend to sort it out between themselves....... your not his "mother" and even mothers make children solve their own interpersonal problems for the future. Mothers also step back for kids to self soothe. YOU'RE NOT HIS MOTHER!! you're a self righteous friend" Mind your own BUSINESS!! Did you even bother too read the OP's post? She did tell her friend to discuss his issues with his partner. I saw nothing in that post to warrant your comment. OP I'm sorry for you that this has happened. It seems that somehow your friend and his partner have decided to bond with each other by making you their common enemy. They are the ones who are being childish and immature by reneging on the business deal. Now here's what I think happened. Your friend Jon is controlled by his partner and he is not good at standing up to him. After he talked to you he went home and tried to express himself but because he is weak and doesn't know how to assert himself, he told his partner things that he really wanted to say but then attributed his words to you so that he would not be held responsible. His partner, who is maybe controlling, freaked out and started blaming you and Jon went along with it to appease his partner and take the heat off himself. Basically you got dragged into their dysfunctional relationship without warning. I say distance yourself from both of them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 Now here's what I think happened. Your friend Jon is controlled by his partner and he is not good at standing up to him. After he talked to you he went home and tried to express himself but because he is weak and doesn't know how to assert himself, he told his partner things that he really wanted to say but then attributed his words to you so that he would not be held responsible. His partner, who is maybe controlling, freaked out and started blaming you and Jon went along with it to appease his partner and take the heat off himself. Basically you got dragged into their dysfunctional relationship without warning. I say distance yourself from both of them. Some version of this sounds right to me. Jon may not even fully realize what he did. Also, the OP may have said a few harsh things in confidence to Jon about his partner, in trying to empathize with him, and instead of Jon just taking them and considering them or understanding the intent, dumped them out to his partner. OP, do the best you can to straighten it out with work, but these folks are toxic. Sometimes you don't find out how toxic your friends are until it blows up like this. It's not always predictable, but sometimes there are signs in seeing how they treat others. From what you write, it doesn't sound as though you did anything wrong. But always be careful when giving relationship advice to friends, because it can come back like this where they bond with each other against any advice you have given. Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 In addition to what anika posted, it's a common and *normal* human reaction; it's why people are typically advised to NOT get involved and tell the betrayed spouse when their SO is cheating on them. People - including the one who was seeking the advice to begin with - have a tendency to 'blame the messenger' when things don't turn out as they'd hoped. Reads like "Jon" would rather throw you under the bus than stand up for himself. I, too, would let the friendship go...if for no other reason than the lack of mutual respect shown when providing the services of being a sounding board for my "friend". Best of luck, OP... Link to post Share on other sites
applej4 Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 OP, sorry about what happened. But you need to let this be a learning experience: Don’t get involved in other people’s relationship problems. Even if asked/begged for advice do not comment. In fact it’s better not to even listen….”Sorry, I have a policy not to get in the middle of relationship issues and fights.” Walk away if necessary. When they kiss and make up, YOU will always be the bad guy. Always. Drop Jon like a hot potato. Block him from contacting you in any form. Don't reply to anymore texts or emails from either of these whackjobs. Delete then from your life. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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