Selfish or not?

[Elif]

So Im studying abroad in Asia and came here with another girl from my country. We became pretty good friends and we have a rather good fit.

 

Anyway a month ago I heard about a really cool traditional festival with illumination show, fireworks, food stands etc. Since her bf has a car and the place isnt accessible with public transport in the evenings I suggested we go there with the car. She thought it was a good idea... and we even bought traditional clothes to wear for the event.

 

So a few days ago I asked her about the plans for the day of the event and then she told me her bf has no interest in going there. (30-40 min car ride, 17km away) She said the would ask again. So on the next day, on the day of the event I asked her again and she said we are going there for the first half of it and not the main fireworks at night. Then I started discussing the time it starts and she just stopped replying and I didnt hear from her again for the whole day. During this time I could have biked there with another friend for 2 hours on crappy unlit roads in heat, but at least i wouldnt have gotten there.

 

However she just disappeared on me and reappeared when the event had already started. She told me to get ready ( the traditional clothes are a bother to put on) and when I was ready she said they changed their minds and are going for the last fireworks only.... so I waited another 1,5 hours.

When we met they were late and when we got there the event had ended and the last fireworks were over, people were leaving...

 

I felt so sad because I had been waiting for this even for a long time. She said that they had gone to the beach (which is a pretty long car ride away) and that she didnt disappear on me in the morning because what we had was not a conversation.. "we just exchanged a few sentences".

 

I feel like we had made these plans a long time ago and she just made other plans with her boyfriend on the same day and didnt have the courtesy to let me know about our plans at all so I also didnt get a chance to make new plans for myself and just relied on her whim.

 

I feel like I cannot rely on her, trust her and Im reluctant to make any other travelling plans with her again (which we actually have). I also feel like she acted selfishly. Am I overreacting or did she act normally?

[La.Primavera]

If she can do it once with no consideration for your feelings, she will absolutely do it again. I wouldn't waste my time.

[elaine567]

Plans "with the bf" are seen by some women as being very important and so they can ditch other friends and other plans at a moments notice, if HE doesn't want to play ball.

Here HE didn't want to go there, HE wanted to go to the beach and she just went along with it, but that left you high and dry.

 

DO NOT rely on her any longer for your social life.

Her priorities are now focussed on keeping the bf happy, he may be jealous of you and deliberately ruined your plans, or he may be innocent here. The plans here involved the use of the bfs car, he many not have been aware of that till late on. He may have already made plans for his day.

IF my bf and his mate suddenly announced at the last minute that I was to drive them miles to a football game for instance that I had no interest in, then I would probably carry on with what I had already planned for the day and tell them no. No-one likes to be used as a taxi service.

 

If you want to do something arrange to do it alone or find new friend(s) to hang out with. This friend doesn't sound reliable and she kept you waiting around, when if she had had just told you " Sorry, my bf has made other plans", then you could have salvaged your day.

Also if the plans involve a third party make sure they are well on board before you assume anything.

[Elif]

Plans "with the bf" are seen by some women as being very important and so they can ditch other friends and other plans at a moments notice, if HE doesn't want to play ball.

Here HE didn't want to go there, HE wanted to go to the beach and she just went along with it, but that left you high and dry.

 

DO NOT rely on her any longer for your social life.

Her priorities are now focussed on keeping the bf happy, he may be jealous of you and deliberately ruined your plans, or he may be innocent here. The plans here involved the use of the bfs car, he many not have been aware of that till late on. He may have already made plans for his day.

IF my bf and his mate suddenly announced at the last minute that I was to drive them miles to a football game for instance that I had no interest in, then I would probably carry on with what I had already planned for the day and tell them no. No-one likes to be used as a taxi service.

 

If you want to do something arrange to do it alone or find new friend(s) to hang out with. This friend doesn't sound reliable and she kept you waiting around, when if she had had just told you " Sorry, my bf has made other plans", then you could have salvaged your day.

Also if the plans involve a third party make sure they are well on board before you assume anything.

 

They are currently living together so they are together all the time. (Which she has told me has caused them problems and the bf cant wait to stop living together)

 

She told me from the beginning that its ok for the BF to get us there. She however never told me he was unsure till the very last minute (day before). I feel like its a pretty big thing to leave unsaid. She knows very well its not possible to get there with public transportation.

 

Even if they made plans to go to the beach in the morning I feel like this is something she should have told me especially since for me she disappeared in the middle of the conversation for the whole day. We made the plans for the festival already a month ago. None of this was sudden at all! we got our clothes for the festival like a few weeks ago.

 

She is also a friend I have hung out the most here since we are from the same country. I considered her to be my best friends here and perhaps even in general. Im not sure at all now... and thats sad.

[elaine567]

She avoided the conflict instead of addressing the issue and it all landed up worse than it may have done, had she said the day before "Elif, my bf is not happy here about our plans, I will have to cancel." Then fine, you would have been disappointed but you would have made your own way there and you would have been able to enjoy the day and you would still see her as a friend.

As it is, you feel you can no longer make any plans with her, as you do not trust her not to leave you high and dry.

It IS sad.

Edited August 16, 2015 by elaine567
removed quote

[truthtripper]

Am I overreacting or did she act normally?

 

Elif, do you deserve this kind of treament from your friends? NO!! Don't put up with it from anyone. I feel for you as I have been stood up by so-called "friends" again and again throughout my life. When you respect yourself, you naturally attract people who will respect you too.

[Elif]

 

Elif, do you deserve this kind of treament from your friends? NO!! Don't put up with it from anyone. I feel for you as I have been stood up by so-called "friends" again and again throughout my life. When you respect yourself, you naturally attract people who will respect you too.

 

Well, once when I made plans to go out with someone here and they forgot and made other plans instead.. when I showed the person my disappointment they got frustrated and said I rely on her too much. (not the same as in the OP)

 

So Im thinking maybe from her point of view there were no real plans.. just a maybe we will see a kind of a thing... and I should be more chill with the time and planning and such... I dont know. Maybe Im just surrounded by a lot of airheads?

 

Its hard to understand because Im always on time, I never forget plans made with others etc but.. somehow it seems that other people are not like this?

[truthtripper]

... and we even bought traditional clothes to wear for the event.

 

She's an "airhead" as you describe. She made plans with you to go to this event and she also let you down. There's no point trying to perceive things from an airhead's point of view. Complete waste of your precious time!

 

 

...what we had was not a conversation.. "we just exchanged a few sentences".

 

Exchanging sentences is talking, communicating, conversation!!! She is also a manipulative bully.

 

But if you look at the positive side of the situation, she is offering you the chance to tap into your own strengths, to be independant, do things for yourself and not wait for others to make up their minds for you. Think for yourself, Elif and believe in your own opinions. In fact, you mentioned this yourself "I could have biked there..." Next time a similar situation arises, use the latter thought processes instead.

[CC12]

She told me from the beginning that its ok for the BF to get us there. She however never told me he was unsure till the very last minute (day before).

 

I get the feeling that he was the one who left it until the very last minute to say he was unsure. Your friend wanted to go and was prepared to go, since she bought the outfit or whatever. She was depending on her boyfriend to drive and when he flaked out, it put her in an awkward position with you.

 

Even if they made plans to go to the beach in the morning I feel like this is something she should have told me especially since for me she disappeared in the middle of the conversation for the whole day.

 

I don't think she planned to go to the beach that morning. I think she disappeared because she couldn't give you an answer as to when they'd be picking you up. She couldn't give you an answer because her boyfriend wouldn't give her an answer because he was jerking her around all day. She should have told you what was going on, but to be fair, it's embarrassing to tell a friend, "Sorry, my boyfriend is being a huge dick to me and to you and he now wants to go to the beach instead of following through with the plans we agreed to a month ago."

 

She has a ****ty boyfriend and she handled it poorly and she owes you an apology, but I'm quite certain that she wasn't the one calling the shots that day. Ask her what happened. Let her come clean, if she wants. She probably feels badly about letting you down. Hopefully she apologizes. But if she still continues saying dumb things like this:

 

she didnt disappear on me in the morning because what we had was not a conversation.. "we just exchanged a few sentences".

 

Then you might want to rethink the friendship.

[Elif]

... and we even bought traditional clothes to wear for the event.

 

She's an "airhead" as you describe. She made plans with you to go to this event and she also let you down. There's no point trying to perceive things from an airhead's point of view. Complete waste of your precious time!

 

 

...what we had was not a conversation.. "we just exchanged a few sentences".

 

Exchanging sentences is talking, communicating, conversation!!! She is also a manipulative bully.

 

But if you look at the positive side of the situation, she is offering you the chance to tap into your own strengths, to be independant, do things for yourself and not wait for others to make up their minds for you. Think for yourself, Elif and believe in your own opinions. In fact, you mentioned this yourself "I could have biked there..." Next time a similar situation arises, use the latter thought processes instead.

 

Im not really the kind of a person who easily bails and such... I dont know..

Ive travelled alone, Im going on a trip by myself tomorrow for a week, Ive lived alone, worked even studied abroad before. Am I still not yet independent enough? Sometimes you just want to do things with other people.

[Elif]

I get the feeling that he was the one who left it until the very last minute to say he was unsure. Your friend wanted to go and was prepared to go, since she bought the outfit or whatever. She was depending on her boyfriend to drive and when he flaked out, it put her in an awkward position with you.

 

 

 

I don't think she planned to go to the beach that morning. I think she disappeared because she couldn't give you an answer as to when they'd be picking you up. She couldn't give you an answer because her boyfriend wouldn't give her an answer because he was jerking her around all day. She should have told you what was going on, but to be fair, it's embarrassing to tell a friend, "Sorry, my boyfriend is being a huge dick to me and to you and he now wants to go to the beach instead of following through with the plans we agreed to a month ago."

 

She has a ****ty boyfriend and she handled it poorly and she owes you an apology, but I'm quite certain that she wasn't the one calling the shots that day. Ask her what happened. Let her come clean, if she wants. She probably feels badly about letting you down. Hopefully she apologizes. But if she still continues saying dumb things like this:

 

 

 

Then you might want to rethink the friendship.

 

Well, if she was packing her things for the beach and getting ready to go out then obviously she knew she was going to the beach at the time when she was "exchanging a few sentences " with me.

 

I wouldnt hold her BF at fault here,,, actually when I came up the idea she told me that she told her bf that she wants to go there with him.. and then maybe they could also invite me... so the BF probably had a whole different idea of the whole thing. In my opinion she is responsible for every mess made. She has never apologized for anything to me.. so I doubt she will even bring anything up. Im not going to initiate any contact and Im not sure if she will or not. The boyfriend is moving to our country next week and she will probably feel lonely after that and come running to me...

[CC12]

Well, if she was packing her things for the beach and getting ready to go out then obviously she knew she was going to the beach at the time when she was "exchanging a few sentences " with me.

 

I wouldnt hold her BF at fault here,,, actually when I came up the idea she told me that she told her bf that she wants to go there with him.. and then maybe they could also invite me... so the BF probably had a whole different idea of the whole thing. In my opinion she is responsible for every mess made. She has never apologized for anything to me.. so I doubt she will even bring anything up. Im not going to initiate any contact and Im not sure if she will or not. The boyfriend is moving to our country next week and she will probably feel lonely after that and come running to me...

 

Oh, I see you already knew the answer. Good for you. Best of luck.

[truthtripper]

 

Im not really the kind of a person who easily bails and such... I dont know..

Ive travelled alone, Im going on a trip by myself tomorrow for a week, Ive lived alone, worked even studied abroad before. Am I still not yet independent enough? Sometimes you just want to do things with other people.

 

...but if other people are putting you out-you missed the event because of her lack of truthful communication- you're better off alone or with more mature, respectful people with whom you can make valid arrangements.