8 months later and still a mess

[An0nymiss666]

So I was an idiot and ignored the NC rule. We broke up in January and after a month he came back but just texting and talking, etc. He doesn't live here now so no seeing him.

 

Over all of these months he drew me in and pushed me away over and over but I knew he didn't really want me back so I have no idea how I became so intoxicated over the nice things he'd say. How gorgeous, smart and funny he thought I was yet it still "isn't what he wants right now."

 

I did go to visit him and was fooled when he said we might be on our way to reconciling. Yeah right. I was dumb again and hung out with him last time he was in town to no avail, even though he's so good at making me feel wanted when it's not true at all.

 

A week ago he's calling me worried about me getting out of work so late walking to my car in the dark, and telling me how pretty I look (sent him pictures), etc. and this week he blocks me and threatens a restraining order if I ever somehow contact him. Wow.

 

Whatever. So I totally blocked him, too.

 

So I guess this is my own fault. I'm not spending every day crying or anything like when we first split. But I almost feel as if I'm back at square one. I'm just emotionally exhausted from it all.

 

I don't know what more I can do. I work and I'm finally going back to college near home shortly so I really won't have much spare time. I feel fine, but at the same time I don't. There isn't anybody else I want and I can't imagine life without him. I've already tried going on dates over time and whatnot and it's just not what I want. I'm not necessarily letting grass grow under my feet but I still can't imagine life without him.

 

I don't know what else to do. I'm OK. But I guess I'll just have to be alone. I can't help but feel like there was something I could've done to prevent this so we could've actually been back together.

[La.Primavera]

From what you have described, you are not back to square one, you never really left. There has been too much contact and connection to allow you to truly grieve the loss of the relationship and move on. That is why no contact is so important when you breakup. Hindsight is great but right now you need to finally come to terms with the fact it is over. He has been feeding you breadcrumbs for months with no honest intentions, it is no wonder you felt the way you did. It was unfair and selfish of him to do that.

 

Frankly, when you look at his behavior and how he has treated you, you have to think you deserve so much better than this. The timing and circumstances of his blocking and threatening a restraining order sounds like a reaction to a girlfriend finding your texts and flipping out, leading him to blame it all on you and blocking you. That makes him even more of an untrustworthy jerk. It may not feel like it now but one day you will look back and realize how lucky you were not to end up with this guy.

 

For now you need to keep focused on your goals and enjoying yourself. If you don't feel ready to date yet then don't rush into it. When the timing is right you'll know. Don't feel bad for how you are feeling at the moment. It is going to take time but it will get easier.

 

All the best.