glamtran Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I have been best friends with another woman I met at work for over 4 years now but her and I are growing apart. I'm single she's common law with an abusive man who has gradually started becoming more and more violent. She pays his bills, they are always yelling and he never wants to take her out or do anything. Two nights ago I call her and she's wailing on the phone, again. He kicked down the door of their rented house and he was grabbing her and breaking things to the point where neighbors and the police had to be involved. All cause she asked him if he's cheating cause he didnt want to take her for breakfast that morning. I don't know why she bothers. This affects me because I always hear about this, and it is affecting her ability to be a good friend to me. I can only lend an ear so many times especially when she says she'll never leave him. That same night when she was telling me about what happened she was worried she wouldn't be able to host my birthday party there at the end of the month. We were also supposed to go on a trip last month but she canceled because of stress and money issues which she brings in herself. Oh, and my bday was supposed to be a surprise, she blabbed when she paniced cause she was thinking of leaving or shed be kicked out by the landlord. I get this isnt about me, but in this case is it bad to just be done with her, or at least back off? There's no benefit to this anymore and I appreciate her effort but I can't rely on her for Aanything anymore. Input please! Link to post Share on other sites
StalwartMind Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 It's a difficult situation, none of us can control others or how they choose to act. This is probably for the better, but I do wish she could realize that being in an abusive relationship is only going to keep her in misery forever. This is no way to live life, alas some see it as their only option, or perhaps they simply just fear the alternative. There is nothing more devastating than an abusive partner, especially because if you leave them, they might do something unthinkable, even if it's in a moment of madness and rage. I don't now what the best advice is for someone in such a situation, but a professional opinion would be the best, even if it doesn't guarantee anything. We all have different levels of patience and tolerance, I've listened to someone for years prolonging their own misery, but being alone really is a very frighting experience for some people. I don't know why your friend insists on staying with him, clearly he doesn't treat her very good, and I would of been long gone if I had been in that situation. I don't have any real encouraging words beside you did more than what many others would of, it's not your responsibility, and while it feels sad, you need to accept that some things are just outside your control. Personally I'm too persistent to give up, even if one should perhaps have done a long time ago, maybe that's because I believe that eventually some people will see sense, especially if they keep repeating mistakes over and over, but the truth is, some just never will. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 As long as she's in a controlling abusive relationship, she can't be a good friend. She's enabling his behavior and she should be just packing her bags and leaving, but you can't make her do that. Anytime you are on the phone and you hear what might be a violent fight, call 911 on them. If she won't call the police, you do it. I don't care if it makes her mad, and it will. You don't stand by when someone is being violently abused. Maybe if the police come enough times, she finally figure out her living like that is not normal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author glamtran Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 Calling the cops when I see or hear things is all fine and dandy, but my struggle is that I don't want to even call her anymore to get to the point where I have to call them. And I'm wondering if thats a bad thing of me to say. And the best part is that she got together with him cause she was the other woman with his ex wife. I just don't enjoy her anymore cause her life is a huge mess and it's only getting worse and disappointing me. Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 she's not worried about you and how this is affecting you ... i wouldn't worry about her personal private problems. tell her that if she want to be friends, she needs to keep her private life to herself because you are not her emotional dumping ground... you are simply a friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Well, you really can't help her with her relationship, so if it's wearing on you, by all means, drop her. Tell her why. Tell her "I can't sit by and watch you repeatedly jumping in front of the bus." When you leave him, call me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 How good of friends were you before all of this? If she was really a good friend at any point, I don't think you would be questioning whether or not you want to be there for her. There's levels. I had a friend who was a complete nitwit and would use her abusive relationship to make people feel sorry for her. She even asked me if they could both stay in my room bc her roommate didn't want him there. Of course she didn't mention WHY the roommate didn't want him there. She was never a good friend to me so I just stopped talking to her. If it was the opposite situation, she probly would have done the same to me as well. But with my best friend, my real friend? I'm in it for the long haul. If she's engaging in behavior that's bad for her, I'd be pissed and annoyed after awhile, but I wouldn't just say "you're not fun to be around. can't handle your issues. bye". If you don't want to be around it, you may as well end it. But if she's usually a good friend who is just going through something, you don't wanna bail on her. One day you might be going through something for a long time too. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 tell her there is nothing you can do though you pity her, or tell her to stop whining, i got told off once like that she most likely moans at anybody who says hello to her having lived hru two such moany freindships one year each, and seen them shrug at my problems later down the road, i doubt that she would give a hoot about you Link to post Share on other sites
nouedis Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 You shouldn't let that get to you. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 (edited) Calling the cops when I see or hear things is all fine and dandy, but my struggle is that I don't want to even call her anymore to get to the point where I have to call them. And I'm wondering if thats a bad thing of me to say. That's not a bad thing of you to say. You can tell her that if she needs help she can call you. After that stop calling her. Leave the ball in her court. Edited July 20, 2015 by SpiralOut Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 glamtran, This is a difficult one. I understand you have a loyalty to your friend and you want the best for her, however this friendship isn't doing you any favours. In the past I've known girls like this who either seemed hell-bent on f***ing up their lives or who just didn't learn from their mistakes. I am no longer in contact with any of them. I think you should take a deep breath and then tell yourself that you aren't responsible for how your friend runs her life. It's her business, but unfortunately it's impacting on you, because it's stating to wear you down. I would tell her that you're sorry but you really can't take any more of her drama and to contact you when she's in a stable situation. You need to surround yourself with good supportive friends who will uplift you, not drag you down. It's always sad when a friendship ends, but in this situation you have to put your own psychological well-being first. Sorry x Link to post Share on other sites
Author glamtran Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 You shouldn't let that get to you. How can I not? Like I said earlier, I make plans with her and she can't follow through with ANYTHING cause something goes up with him. Then she gets mad cause I seem distant. So you mean I should just put up with that kind of unreliable friendship? Link to post Share on other sites
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