My best friend got a boyfriend and keeps ditching me

[ConnieAllen]

Okay, so here's the dreaded story that everyone's already heard, but I need a bit of advice on my own unique situation.

 

I have some trouble making friends, mainly because of my somewhat... abrasive personality. I have no qualms with telling someone I don't like them and exactly what it is about them I don't like and a lot of people don't really like that trait in a person apparently. So naturally, I have very few friends and only one really close friend who went through all of the trouble of getting past my less than pleasing exterior to the person I really am and I totally love her for it - platonically though, this isn't one of those stories.

 

Anywho, we've been best of friends for the past 6 years now and we've been virtually inseparable. She's my only friend and I'm her only friend and that's how we've always been and how we've always liked it. Until she got a boyfriend.

 

Now first, let me say, this came out of absolutely f*cking no where. One day we're sitting around b*tching about the a**holes she works with and the next she's dating one of them! I was completely blindsided but, alas, this isn't one of those stories either.

 

Initially I was thrilled. No, really, I was. I'm not remotely interested in dating anyone so this isn't a case of the jellies, and despite the fact that she essentially lied to me for months about not liking anyone, I was very happy about anything that would make her happy so we did our happy dance and life went on.

 

For her.

 

For me, however, it seemed like my whole life came to a complete halt where suddenly, I'm never doing anything because my only friend is too busy f*cking her new boyfriend and when she's not doing that, she's hanging out with him and her "work friends" - you know, those same people she couldn't stand 2 months ago.

 

Now I know that she can't spend every waking moment with me and I hardly expect her to, but a part of me - all of me - thinks that it couldn't be all that f*cking hard to make some time for your best friend every now and then at least. But nooo, for her it's totally fine to ditch me to get drunk with her cool new friends and it half pisses me off that she thinks she can just expect me to be waiting around for her to come do something with when it works to her advantage and half makes me want to cry because this is my best friend, who I've spent years with and who I love very much.

 

So I guess the real dilemma is either she's being a b*tch, I'm a big f*cking drama queen who needs to make more friends or a combination of the two. Either way, I feel like total sh*t all the time because she's never around even just to talk to and it's making me want to punch her in the face and cry like a little baby.

 

So now I guess if anyone has any advice that would be dandy.

[Satu]

After reading your post it's easy to understand why you only have one friend.

 

You come over as being antisocial.

 

Learn to get along with people in a peaceful and harmonious way and your life will be much better.

[RaRa89]

I am kind of going through the same thing and have been in similar situations in the past. The thing is, when you have just one friend, it feels like you are in a relationship with that person. When they then ditch you to hang out with someone else, it feels like an ultimate betrayal. The thing is, it is not healthy. Even if it is hard to make new friends, you have to try and find companionship elsewhere, be it dating other people or trying to go to group functions and being a bit friendly with lots of people. Your friend is breaking free and making new connections... if she's that good a friend, she will still come back to you. Try giving her a breather, then message her in a few weeks and ask how she is and whether she wants to do something (cinema, drinks).. if her reply is cold or she shrugs you off, then let her go. You can't rely on one person only, you will get hurt.

[preraph]

We've all been through losing our friends to them dating. It can be very aggravating. I remember my friend had finally broken up with her overly possessive guy and so she was free for NY Eve with me, and we had plans and everything, and he came over and found her and literally carried her away, and she just let him. That's just stupid. They broke up for a reason, and that WAS the reason, but she let him screw up my NY Eve. So I do get it.

 

Now, I was also too honest and blunt when younger (and probably somewhat today) because my mother was like that, so I thought it was normal. Then as I got older, I realized my mother being critical of everything and things about me wasn't really a good thing and I saw her what seemed like just picking on her sisters for no reason. I started trying to temper myself. I have come a long way, but I am still too direct for anyone who needs subtlety and to be handled with kid gloves.

 

I can tell you your directness will not benefit you in the workplace. You need to learn to zip it, because first of all, not everyone is even interested in your opinion, much less if it's being delivered in a careless abrasive way. And you need to realize that people do not change just because you tell them you don't like something about them. People only even listen if you first show them that you are listening, you are empathetic and trying to see their side of things (which you let them know by rephrasing back what they are telling you) and connect with them at that point by making sure they know you understand where they are coming from. Only then can you lead them forward because only then do you have any credibility. And if you're not nice to them, there's literally no reason for them to care about you.

 

I recommend you take a verbal communications course to help you improve your communications skills. And always ask yourself how you'd react if someone came at you in that same manner.

 

Meanwhile, your girlfriend has a bf. Your best hope for her wanting to make time for you is if you are willing to cheerfully and eagerly listen without criticism to her talk about it. Otherwise, she's not going to want to hear it or be with you. Your choice.

[d0nnivain]

Taker her out to lunch or something & explain that whil eyou are happy for her, you miss her & ask if she can set aside one weeknight per week to do something with you & maybe one weekend night per month. Yes, I realize it's not a lot but it's something.

 

Then the other nights you need to do something to make a new friend.

[IamJustGrace]

My thoughts are that you should give your best friend some time while you take out time to work on your interpersonal relationship skills. If she’s genuine and really cares about you as much as you do, she will get back to you. While you try to study some materials that will help you improve on your interpersonal relationship skills, get involved with other things and people… in the process you might even end up meeting and making friend(s) in the true sense of it.

 

Look, I had a similar experience where the person I call my best friend got into a serious relationship and was eventually married before me. That affected our friendship and that bothered me; but after several attempts to connect as we used to failed, I moved on. It took more than a year for her to notice that we’ve not talked for a long time. So one day she sent a text asking what’s going on. Told her how I felt about she ditching me after she met her husband and some specific attitudes that made me say maybe it was time to let the friendship go. She apologized and promised to change; but it took a while before that promise reflected in her attitude.

 

Once in a long time, she would drop me a text or call to check on me and my school work; I also did the same and gradually we started talking a little more often and about more personal stuff… eventually we’ve reconnected in more meaningful ways. Now we feel much closer and relate more like sisters. We and especially myself have learnt to give each other space when need be. The truth is I tried to get over her during our supposedly silent period by attempting to have someone else as my best friend; but wasn’t able to connect with any of the people I met as I used to connect with her. That was why it was easy for us to hit it off as we reconnected. Now we are both more mature and our relationship is a lot better. She refers to me as her best friend and I know she is my best friend because our friendship has evolved overtime and we’ve gotten to that point where we are no longer threatened by our busy or silent periods. We got each other’s back and we make precious sacrifices for each other.

 

True friendship takes time to develop; and sometimes, it just takes giving each other a break to sort themselves and their feelings. If they feel you are worth it, they will look for you. And if you also feel they are worth it, you keep at it. I know it's quite tough to all of a sudden not have the person that used to be there for you; but you can get over it with a better attitude and lessons. So my dear, try get yourself busy with other people/things and let time take care of the rest. You might want to take some classes, read an interesting book, hang out more with other people, sign up with a gym near you, travel more often, pursue your hobbies and learn to enjoy being by yourself. Just do your own thing and once in a while, you can still reach out to her with simple greetings, inquiry of how she’s doing and assurance that she can still talk to you if she feels like. It’s either you both reconnect or you later connect with another friend who’d be there for you as much as you are there for her.

[CC12]

So naturally, I have very few friends and only one really close friend who went through all of the trouble of getting past my less than pleasing exterior to the person I really am

 

Does that mean you're nice to her now that she's your friend, or are you still abrasive with her? Maybe you said or did something that offended her. You should ask.

 

It's really very natural for friends to spend less time together when one of them gains a romantic partner. It sucks, but surely you didn't expect to be inseparable for the rest of your lives? For a lot of people who are "left behind" by friends who begin relationships, the change isn't so jarring because 1) they have other friends to hang out with and 2) they're usually invited to spend time with the new boyfriend or new groups of friends. It seems your friend can't bring you along to meet her new friends because you have "no qualms" about offending people.

 

You seem almost proud of the fact that you tell people what you don't like about them and if they don't like it, it's their problem. It's not, it's a problem with you. You clearly want friendship and companionship, so there are some things you should work on to get along with people more easily.

 

First is your negativity. Your post is full of negativity and I understand you're upset but I really get the impression that you can be negative much of the time. It is draining for people to be around someone who is consistently negative.

 

Also you can work on your tactfulness. There's really no reason to tell people what you don't like about them. Even if someone asks you point blank what you don't like about them, you can still use tact. Such as "You come across as very negative and I think you'd look better with brown hair" rather than "You act like a huge bitch and your red hair is ugly."

 

Quite a few people now have shared their thoughts on your situation. What do you think of the advice you've been given so far?

[casey.lives]

grow up. friendship is not a job.

[nouedis]

If she's ditching you for her boyfriend then she's not a true friend at all.

 

I have a girlfriend who bails on me to hang out with her friends, yet I don't care. Let that stuff go.