What to expect from my friend in this situation? GOSSIP KILLS!

[Winterina]

Its been a few of us for a few years, and I noticed that one of our friends always talks things behind others' backs. He seems to be jealous of anyone's relationship because he is single and not happy about it. He is never happy for any of our friends, when they find a job that pays well it gets on his nerves that they have a big apartment and lifestyle, when our friends engage he starts thinking how it is impossible that it was groom's idea and that she must have pressured him into it... how it must have all been due to her getting pregnant, etc. In front of bride he speaks only the most positive things and acts very positive chilled out guy. I know better. About groom he has been telling me in the past that he is sick of him because "he always pretends to be a nice guy, where is his dark side and why doesn't he show it?" I had to explain to him that not all people are the same and that our friend does not have a dark side that is dominant. I always defend people from him. I had to defend a girl who is my friend and he was interested in her... he put his own spin on every story to make her look like a careless jerk and him like a victim of her mentality.

I had to defend myself too from him. Once he told me that he does not consider me a friend, than came around a month later and said how I must have understood him wrongly. I did not. But I let it go and we went back to being friends.

Until I found out he was spreading rumours about me too (surprise, surprise). It is always something that he thinks is happening in other peoples' relationships and then he makes it into an actual thing and starts spreading his theories on his friends' personal lives. According to him, "I am not allowing my bf to stay out with them even when he begs me to". This never happened. According to him, it is his business and not just our own because he likes the guy but can never get to hang with him, etc... For information, they met maybe 5-10 times in a company of other people, that's it. When my bf heard about this he sent him a really bad text to thank him for spreading lies, he also said that he did not move to this country so that he can hang with him but to be with me, and that he does not deserve me as a friend.

So we broke it off with him. We are also a bit older and want to go home earlier than they, but together... they are 30-31 and we are 36 and 39 yrs old. So we are over drinking till dawn and usually go home together around midnight to catch the last public transport so we don't have to pay for the cab. I do not know how this could have been construed into such a mean little lie that I am "not allowing my bf to stay while he is begging me". Jesus.

 

 

I don't have what it takes to tell my other friends what he was talking about them. I just said that he was spreading lies about me apparently trying to ruin my reputation or something (I cannot figure out for the life of it what could be his motive)... and not to invite me where he is being invited because I do not want to be under his spying eyes. I want to relax when I go out and not fear to make a wrong move that can possibly be interpreted as something, that can be turned into something else...

 

 

None of my friends took any position in relation to this. I take it they want to be playing on both teams. That's ok, and would be ok for most of the people, but one friend's lack of any reaction pushed me away from him. I took care of him when he was sick for a week, both me and my bf did, I defended him against accusations of our gossiping friend, and in general thought we had something more... I would be ready to do anything for a friend.

I gathered that he doesn't want to get involved. But sometimes, not getting involved is actually taking sides. The gossiper tried to hurt me, and he as my friend is not going to even tell him "hey man wtf... stop with that nonsense." Not a word.

 

 

I would not ask for anything more. He does not need to stop talking to or being friends with him as long as he would make his opinion known, do something to protect me from his malicious lies.

 

 

So I have just been disappointed enough to block my friend on Skype, and just separate from the entire company. He kind of knows about the dark side comment gossiper made about him but did not take it seriously at all. So I am not taking this personally, he is a kind of person that avoids conflicts and I need a friend that is going to do what is right and have a bit more attitude about these things. Seems like we are not really compatible friends after all.

 

 

Is this too much to expect from a friend? Just to say a few words to the gossiping guy that spreads lies?

 

 

Maybe it is me and my deep disgust with personalities of gossipers... Maybe I like too much that saying "the hottest places in hell are reserved for those who stay neutral in the face of injustice". I don't really know. I know it does not feel right any more.

Some friendships simply have expiry date on them...

[whichwayisup]

and I noticed that one of our friends always talks things behind others' backs.

 

This guy talks about EVERYONE behind their backs, distance yourself from him and if anybody notices just say I'm sick of hearing him complain and gossip about people and he's not fun to hang out with. If he confronts you/asks you, just be up front about it, that you know he has talked behind your back, you hear him talking shi.t about others and you don't want listen to it anymore.

[preraph]

Why don't you just sever your relationship with him? He's not anybody'd real friend. It's not up to you to save the others from him. Let them find out for themselves, but meanwhile, you don't have to be friends with him. Tell him you're sick of him finding fault with people and being two-faced.

[Winterina]

Oh no, I did not explain it in the best way... Of course I got rid of the guy who gossiped and stopped talking to him.

 

 

The friend that I am asking about is our common friend, who stays neutral throughout this situation. I wish he told the gossiper at least something on my behalf, to protect me from his lies which are obviously designed to hurt me in some way. And he is succeeding in hurting me because he is still hanging with everyone, and I have withdrawn as I feel kind of betrayed by that common friend.

 

 

Seems like people really don't give a damn about right and wrong as long as they don't get hurt directly. The common friend still asks me out to hang and all that, but I would rather he told something to that gossiper so at least he knows that his ways are not approved by my friends.