My best friend is scaring all other friends away

[amkxoxo]

I have talked before about my friend Kelly on here. But I just need to rant. I met Kelly while I was in college. She and I got really close last year. I am now graduated and living on my own. Kelly, who is originally from the area still lives with her parents and has been going to school for 5 years with no degree to show for it. She works dead end jobs and seems maybe a little hesitant to be out in the real world. I would never say this to her. But who goes 5 years and gets no degree to show for it, and now she has decided she needs a break from school because she is sick of it. A little ridiculous since we are 23 years old. But she has a kind heart and I appreciate her friendship.

 

About 9 months back Kelly introduced me to some of her high school friends who are also locals in the area. I hit it off with them and have continued to meet new people through them who have now become friends of mine. They all seem to like me a lot and I feel very included in the group. As time has passed Kelly seems less and less affiliated with the group. I notice them not inviting her as much and not bothering with her. I get invited a week beforehand to something and she gets invited the night before or the day of. I feel bad. But it seems they just like me better.

 

This also could be her new lifestyle choices of not drinking alcohol and being a very obnoxious vegetarian that have made people less wanting her around. I support her in her lifestyle choices but sometimes she can be annoying about her beliefs. We will all go out and drink and she does't drink a thing and can almost be a little judgmental about it. We are all responsible and laugh together and have fun. No harm in that.

 

Then she constantly wants to talk about her organic vegetarian lifestyle with anyone and everyone which can get annoying. We all eat meat and live how we want. She acts almost appalled when people don't remember her lifestyle, which flip flops constantly as she cheats all the time. She wants people to fawn over her for it, but they don't because its not a big deal. Lastly, she brings some questionable friends around. Kelly introduced me to one of her girlfriends a while back. This girl wasn't associated with our current group and I immediately didn't care for her personality. I was polite and nice because she was Kelly's friend.

 

This girl was bold, outspoken, and drank a ton without care. I wasn't a fan. I found out a little while ago that one night when Kelly brought her out with our group that she said rude things to one of the guys in our group. He doesn't like this rude girl at all, and it made him weary of Kelly because of what the girl said to him must have been something Kelly mentioned to her.

 

I felt bad for my guy friend and that is why Kelly has been less invited to functions pertaining to the group. What I feel horrible about is that I am fully aware and included in things more than she is and she is the one that got me to be friends with these people to begin with.

 

One of Kelly's really strange flaws that I think is contributing to her driving our friends away is that she talks about the past a lot. At first when we were friends I found it nice, but now its very annoying and crazy. She brings up things that happened in grammar, middle, and high school like they were yesterday. She goes on to compare these old things to occurrences that are happening in our adult life. Its annoying. I will talk about an adult romantic boy issue and she has to bring up her middle school alleged "boyfriend" as comparison. This was over ten years ago. She will even tell people about her first real relationship that she had....in fifth grade. She says how she went to his house all the time. Yeah, she went there to play on his backyard swing set. She talks like they were truly and seriously dating. She talks about 8th grade school relationships as this thing you would think was last week, but it was over ten years ago. She acts like it was such a serious thing. You would have thought she met this guy last year. I think the guys get annoyed because she brings up high school all the time with them. It was so long ago. They don't care any longer. We are all grown ups. I feel bad, but at the same time I didn't even go to high school with her and I get annoyed because she tells me these long drawn out stories that have no relevance to me. She talks about a guy from high school that was like the "one that got away". Its unbelievable. It was such a long time ago. I think its because she has nothing else. No current men, no interesting stuff to talk about.

 

I'm worried if she continues on this path about talking about high school with the group that they will resent her. I think they get annoyed because she tells me all stuff they did in high school. They know me now, and I know them now. They don't want me knowing them way back then. Its apart of Kelly's personality and I don't want to tell her its annoying. But she is ruining her friendships for herself by being this way.

Edited June 1, 2015 by amkxoxo

[SpiralOut]

It sounds like she's not doing too well for herself. I think when people talk about the past like that it's because those are some of the best memories they have. Maybe her time spent in school wasn't that great so that's why she doesn't talk about more recent things.

 

 

I don't think you should comment on the relationship she has with her high school friends unless she happens to ask for your opinion. She is going down a different life path from the rest of you. Yes, it's possible that she will drift apart from these people. It's also possible that she doesn't feel good about herself so she is choosing new friends who aren't very nice. Is this the same girl you mentioned in another thread where she talked badly about her guy friend and then her girl friend told him about it?

 

 

Have you talked to her about what's going on with her?

Edited June 1, 2015 by SpiralOut

[amkxoxo]

Yes this is the same girl I have mentioned. I just feel bad because I want she and I to still be close, but that is hard when she is drifting away from the group that she originally belonged to.

 

I think she can see that they don't include her as much as they include me. She never says anything about it. I feel the need to censor my life sometimes so that she doesn't find out what I was going with the group. Like for example, one of the guys in the group invited me only to go celebrate a birthday party of his friend. It slipped out when I was talking to her and I felt bad. I felt like I was throwing it in her face. He only invited me. It wasn't an open invite type of thing.

 

Then another time I noticed she was almost trying to mention times she hung out with them when I wasn't around. Almost to show that she gets invited. I felt bad. She was trying so hard to come up with times only she went out with them. I could tell.

 

I like being included in the group. They all seem to really like me. I am so happy to have a good group of friends. We have a lot of fun. I don't want her dragging me down and away from them. I haven't done anything to make them not like me, so to me, it doesn't seem fair for me to reject invited from them just because she didn't get invited. I am going to try and ask her to go more often to things, but at the same time, I get stuck because she is my best friend, but if they don't invite her then they don't want her there and it isn't for me to be asking her.

 

Last week was a good example. One of the guys in the group was having a cookout at his house. He asked me days in advance. I agreed to go. I could tell Kelly wasn't invited because she was telling me I could come to her family's house that day for a cookout. I nonchalantly told her I had been asked somewhere else. I didn't tell her it was one of our friends houses. She made it seem like she had mandatory engagements with her family so I figured she would never know where I was.

 

Halfway through the cookout she starts texting my guy friend, the one whose house it was. He then casually told her she could stop by if she wanted to. She then immediately texted me asking me if I wanted to go with her. I felt so bad. I didn't respond. I was already there. It made things awkward. She skipped out on her family to come hangout with us. When she saw me she was surprised. She then casually asked me how long I had been there. I told her since it began at 11am. I felt so bad, but I didn't want to like to her either. I didn't think it was my decision to invite her to someone else's home. He clearly didn't invite her for a reason.

 

I feel trapped. They are distancing themselves from her because her personality has changed a bit, because of her lifestyle etc...I even find myself frustrated with her sometimes for the same things. But she is a good true friend and I still want her in my life.

 

It also streams back to high school with them. Kelly wasn't even friends with these people in high school. They were all popular and in a group and she was not included in that. I think she desperately wanted to be in the in crowd back then and now she is in with them, and after a little time they don't want her anymore now. They want me. Her random friend from far away. She still doesn't fit in with them. I don't want her to change how she is, but I also think if she doesn't realize her ways she will lose them and it will get awkward for me being in the middle.

[preraph]

She may be having some problems adjusting to adult life. Certainly sounds like she's living TOO far in the past. Have you ever just told her, Hey, you can't really compare a childhood crush to a real adult relationship? Maybe call her on some of this stuff. I might even gently tell her it sounds a little crazy.

 

Certainly she's become a bore about her lifestyle. No one wants to hear all about that more than once. So she's alienating friends by just being judgmental and boring and shoving her lifestyle down their throats. I think I'd tell her about that too. Tell her it's boring to listen to, plus insulting to act superior about it. Or you can just wait and see if she learns her lesson, but she may not if someone doesn't point it out.

 

I've found the best way to tell someone something negative about themselves is to first begin by reciting their thinking on the subject in the most positive light possible so that they know you've been listening and are trying to see it from their perspective. And then once she's convinced you're being open minded about it and have been hearing what she's saying, gently tell her how it can put people off. You might give her an example like how would she feel if, for example, every time she was out with friends all the did was talk about how puritanical it is if a person doesn't have a drink with them or eat meat with them. And what if they said the same thing over and over? Wouldn't she get tired of being around them?

 

You can't just change her, but you might give her something to at least think about. You might see no change for 2 years, but maybe every time she's about to open her mouth, your conversation comes back to her and she at least has to keep thinking about what she's doing. She might at least adjust herself a little.

 

If she just becomes boring and no fun as a friend after you've given her some time to snap out if it, you can always leave her too.