Is she jealous? Or does she just dislike me?

[isabellemarss]

I have a classmate/friend who I'm always with because we're in the same group of friends. She's not very warm, and she's a bit impatient with people.

 

We're pretty much the same in terms of academic performance and level of leadership, although she's seen as bossier and more fearsome.

 

I've always been a good friend to her. I listen to her problems (I'm the only one in class she "opens up" to), keep her secrets, and express my admiration for her.

 

Lately, I've been reflecting on our friendship and realized something's off. While she's not the nicest person ever, she's been pretty catty with me for a long time! She insults me every chance she gets and passes it off as banter. It just feels so mean-spirited.

 

She never congratulates me. Two times I have been picked for the positions she wanted (she had expressed it herself) in an organization we're both members of. When people vouched for me in these positions, she'd either go quiet or say this certain person should get it instead. She deliberately ignores my posts in our org's Facebook group, but she responds to others.

 

Whenever something exciting happens to me, she's always silent even when our friends say how happy they are for me. On the other hand, I'm very supportive of her. I vouch for her and always encourage her to make use of her opportunities.

 

She's also silent when people say I'm good-looking, but compliments our other girl friends profusely when we're together. By the way, I often give her genuine compliments on her appearance.

 

Lately, she started talking to a guy she knew I was attracted to. Could be just a friendly thing, but idk. She sent me a screenshot of their conversation in which they're jokingly flirting with each other. She told me "He is so gay, hahahaha". Okay? I don't see the point of sending me that message and using "gay" as a negative (albeit in a lighthearted context) term.

 

At first, I ignored her behavior even when it hurt me because I accepted that it was just her personality, but lately it has been too much. What do you think? Am I just being paranoid?

Edited May 26, 2015 by isabellemarss

[preraph]

She's probably jealous and resentful. I don't know why you'd keep someone around who didn't treat you as well as you treat her.

[jakrbbt]

She sounds pretty graceless.

 

Ease off of the friendship, fill your life with a little more/different community where there aren't the same politics (maybe volunteer for something or join a city or local gov't cause)-- and resist the urge to make her realize why you're no longer close friends. She won't, and this will be great practice for you in letting people like that go.

[SpiralOut]

She sounds jealous. I agree with jakrbbt's advice.

[isabellemarss]

She's probably jealous and resentful. I don't know why you'd keep someone around who didn't treat you as well as you treat her.

 

I guess it's because I try not to judge her for being the way that she is. She's not that bad of a friend, after all. I never entertained the idea that she might be jealous of me until now, because I've never been in that situation before.

 

She sounds pretty graceless.

 

Ease off of the friendship, fill your life with a little more/different community where there aren't the same politics (maybe volunteer for something or join a city or local gov't cause)-- and resist the urge to make her realize why you're no longer close friends. She won't, and this will be great practice for you in letting people like that go.

 

I'm planning on spending less time with her during breaks if that helps.

[Ronni_W]

I guess it's because I try not to judge her for being the way that she is.

You don't have to judge her for being the way she is, but we do have to develop healthy/sensible discernment, and be able to accurately assess (judge) people for acting the way they do; for how they treat us and others (and animals).

 

If we don't or won't or can't be honest in labeling some specific type of behaviour (words and/or actions) -- whether 'positive' or 'negative' -- then we will not be able to easily set firm, protective, sensible, loving boundaries.

We will end up giving away our loyalty and love and trust and all good things to people who may not deserve or have not earned it...and thus only be setting-up ourselves for future disappointment and pain...yet with no-one to blame but our own dear self.

 

She's not that bad of a friend, after all.

Yeah...she kind of is. She's treating you crappy but because you don't want to be honest with yourself, about it. It's okay to be kind and nice to yourself, first, especially when dealing with insecure, resentful, envious, unkind, angry and/or selfish people.

 

This is sort of a guess on my part...but, if it feels to fit with your intuition or experience, then you can prepare/protect yourself accordingly. It sounds likely that the older and more accomplished YOU become --because of your own efforts and hard work and positive personality and having a good heart -- the more she will feel "lesser than" and resent your successes ... even though it's not anything that YOU are doing or should be doing differently.

 

Hugs, and best.

[isabellemarss]

You don't have to judge her for being the way she is, but we do have to develop healthy/sensible discernment, and be able to accurately assess (judge) people for acting the way they do; for how they treat us and others (and animals).

 

If we don't or won't or can't be honest in labeling some specific type of behaviour (words and/or actions) -- whether 'positive' or 'negative' -- then we will not be able to easily set firm, protective, sensible, loving boundaries.

We will end up giving away our loyalty and love and trust and all good things to people who may not deserve or have not earned it...and thus only be setting-up ourselves for future disappointment and pain...yet with no-one to blame but our own dear self.

 

Yeah...she kind of is. She's treating you crappy but because you don't want to be honest with yourself, about it. It's okay to be kind and nice to yourself, first, especially when dealing with insecure, resentful, envious, unkind, angry and/or selfish people.

 

This is sort of a guess on my part...but, if it feels to fit with your intuition or experience, then you can prepare/protect yourself accordingly. It sounds likely that the older and more accomplished YOU become --because of your own efforts and hard work and positive personality and having a good heart -- the more she will feel "lesser than" and resent your successes ... even though it's not anything that YOU are doing or should be doing differently.

 

Hugs, and best.

 

Thank you. I've always been the type of person that's disposed to be nice and friendly to everyone and maybe I've overlooked the reality that I don't have to tolerate and try to understand everyone all the time at my expense. Lesson learned.

[jakrbbt]

Also, you don't have to judge someone just because you're deciding not to be around them for now. Friendship isn't a prize bestowed on the" deserving" -- it's a relationship. If the friend relationship doesn't work right now for whatever reason, then you get to ease off of it--- and you don't need some reason like" she was bad."

 

Life is long. People sometimes go through unpredictable stuff et c. Politics and communities shift, and that affects things like jealousy. I still think if you get involved in something you like (without this person) then a lot of this will fall away. And you and you can always revisit a more active friendship in future years.

 

If someone being jealous of you bothers you a lot, that might be a sign that you haven't figured out where you want to go in life and how you're planning on getting there. Not that that's such a horrible thing. And don't get me wrong, jealousy is hurtful and threatening and personal. But use it as a learning opportunity-- empower yourself with your own future. Then I think this stuff won't bother you as much (and yeah, easier said than done!)