Best Friend and Ex Intertwined

[glamtran]

I really need some help. I left a relationship 8 months ago after my best female friend of 4 years set me up with a guy she knew about 1 year prior. He was her roommate's brother. We dated for 8 months with one breakup in between. I'm still hurt over some of the disrespect he showed towards and the hurt it caused. I'm not sure if the details matter though. It does involve behaviour towards other women, rudeness and ignoring me over the course of the relationship.

 

My best friend is still friends with him and I have to admit it really hurts and I have since pulled away from her too. She did recently move far away and so maybe it's for the better anyways. In the past, she has been dramatic, shown jealously towards other women for no reason, and wasn't subtle about it. There was even a point where she stopped talking to me for months cause I was dating a guy she liked. This was in the past but I really can't see her being the type who sees the good in all. She may be changing but I have definitely had to weigh the pros and cons of our friendship more than once these last few years.

 

I don't understand why she needs to associate with someone who hurt me a few times and she even witnessed some of it. Since our break up, I've heard the through the grapevine that she has even complimented him saying hes a great guy deep down and even invited him to events before she moved away. They also regularly interact on social media apparently. I don't have it though and I am NC with him.

 

I get she was friends with both of us, but her and I have been through so much together and were like sisters. Traveled the world, been each other's rock. But my question is : doesn't the fact that her and I had a CLOSER and LONGER bond, and the fact that he did a few things that were egregiously wrong matter, in this case or in any case? There are things out there that are hurtful no matter how you cut them. Disrespect is a big one.

 

And given her past issues I've mentioned, is it wrong for me to be hurt or want to at least limit my contact and dependability on her?? And if I am the one being completely unreasonable, and her neutrality is ok, how do I COPE with all this? It's still killing me months later. I think about her and cry.

[preraph]

It can't go both ways. You dated a guy she liked, so you two don't have the total loyalty going on. She knew the guy and set you up. If she's not trying to date him, then she's relatively unaffected by his shenanigans that hurt people, plus she has her other friend, his sister to think about not insulting.

 

I used to be in a pretty good sized crowd that was very incestual and people stepping over each other to get to other people, and in general you just can't expect everyone to drop someone who makes someone else mad because their relationship may never encounter a problem with that person. It does get messy, no doubt. Best thing to do is keep some things very private to minimize the talk and other people getting involved. For a random example, if you are crushing on a guy and maybe you hooked up and he was good looking and fun in bed, it's pretty stupid to go around telling that to other women because one of them will want to find out for herself and you'll feel betrayed. But if she never knew, she'd probably never have gone after him, and if she did, it wouldn't be a betrayal on you.

 

Now, there are some friendships you can expect more loyalty from, but I've found even the best ones have a point at which that breaks down.

 

I'm really sorry you got hurt by that guy. But don't misplace the anger onto your friend about it. She doesn't need to dump him because she didn't date him.

[lilmiscassie92]

It can't go both ways. You dated a guy she liked, so you two don't have the total loyalty going on. She knew the guy and set you up. If she's not trying to date him, then she's relatively unaffected by his shenanigans that hurt people, plus she has her other friend, his sister to think about not insulting.

 

I used to be in a pretty good sized crowd that was very incestual and people stepping over each other to get to other people, and in general you just can't expect everyone to drop someone who makes someone else mad because their relationship may never encounter a problem with that person. It does get messy, no doubt. Best thing to do is keep some things very private to minimize the talk and other people getting involved. For a random example, if you are crushing on a guy and maybe you hooked up and he was good looking and fun in bed, it's pretty stupid to go around telling that to other women because one of them will want to find out for herself and you'll feel betrayed. But if she never knew, she'd probably never have gone after him, and if she did, it wouldn't be a betrayal on you.

 

Now, there are some friendships you can expect more loyalty from, but I've found even the best ones have a point at which that breaks down.

 

I'm really sorry you got hurt by that guy. But don't misplace the anger onto your friend about it. She doesn't need to dump him because she didn't date him.

 

Agreed. If it bothers you that much, find other friends. She moved away anyway, so you probably won't have to worry about seeing him or her around.

[glamtran]

Preraph: That's just it, the loyalty did break down. I never thought I would see the day as I've always put her first or high up there. You seem to be saying to stick around but just close up and be more private with her? Adjust the relationship a bit then??

 

It just kills me that she saw him with strippers but still almost glorifies him and says how great he is and how much she cares about him. Is that really necessary of her to do? There's being civil with him which is fine but her praise for him seems a bit over the top

Edited April 20, 2015 by glamtran

[Bohonia]

She doesn't value you or respect you. The rock you described has utterly disappeared. You can choose to keep her in your life but don't kid yourself she doesn't have your back or and loyalty to you.

[glamtran]

She doesn't value you or respect you. The rock you described has utterly disappeared. You can choose to keep her in your life but don't kid yourself she doesn't have your back or and loyalty to you.

 

That's what my reaction is and what I feared. I can't see it any other way. I did dump him after the initial bad night at the club when we both saw him do some hurtful things with other women, and he even paid for it. But I took him back after a while but ultimately he got worse. Does this change anything?

[Sugarkane]

Let her be used and hurt by this guy aswell, since she stupidly thinks she'll be the exception.

[Sugarkane]

Good riddance to her and your jerk of an ex.

[glamtran]

Let her be used and hurt by this guy aswell, since she stupidly thinks she'll be the exception.

 

So does that mean I should let her go??

[stillafool]

Well your friend was friends with him for a year before you met him. I don't think it's fair to expect your friend to drop him as a friend just because you two broke up. If you are going to drop her just because she is still friends with her friend she should have dropped you for dating a guy you knew she liked. I think your friendship with her is over and you should move on and meet new friends.

[glamtran]

Well your friend was friends with him for a year before you met him. I don't think it's fair to expect your friend to drop him as a friend just because you two broke up. If you are going to drop her just because she is still friends with her friend she should have dropped you for dating a guy you knew she liked. I think your friendship with her is over and you should move on and meet new friends.

 

The guy she liked was a DIFFERENT guy, that situation was years ago, but nonetheless she saw him first, then I broke it off with that guy, and she set me up with this guy, my recent ex from my OP. I only mention the past b/c I was hoping to show how she hasn't always been the easiest to deal with in the past, and gets jealous of other women and has issues with men herself.

 

I get that it's not fair but it bothers me. I can't have a decent convo with her knowing she's chatting with him after he did some pretty inherently wrong things to me. But to her, he's "great". It's not a matter of 'we just didn't work out'.

Edited May 12, 2015 by glamtran

[stillafool]

 

I get that it's not fair but it bothers me. I can't have a decent convo with her knowing she's chatting with him after he did some pretty inherently wrong things to me. But to her, he's "great". It's not a matter of 'we just didn't work out'.

 

It sounds like your friendship has run its course and both of you should end it and move on.

[glamtran]

Why do you say that though?

[stillafool]

Because you resent her and you can't stand that she is still friends with her friend, the guy you liked. She isn't going to stop being friends with him, you are mad at them both so why would you want to hold on to the friendship? Do you need more aggravation in your life?

[glamtran]

You are right, thank you. I don't want to be excluded if she comes back to visit though, that's the thing, I already was shortly before she moved, I can't get past that either especially since he was there and they partied together. It really hurt. Even though we had already fought about it.

[minime13]

Preraph: That's just it, the loyalty did break down. I never thought I would see the day as I've always put her first or high up there. You seem to be saying to stick around but just close up and be more private with her? Adjust the relationship a bit then??

 

It just kills me that she saw him with strippers but still almost glorifies him and says how great he is and how much she cares about him. Is that really necessary of her to do? There's being civil with him which is fine but her praise for him seems a bit over the top

 

You don't put her first and high up if you date someone she likes, especially if you don't talk to her about it first.

 

You are being very one-sided with this friendship, and asking her to just drop a friend she's known for a year because it didn't work out with the two of you (and she introduced you) is not a fair thing to ask.

[stillafool]

You are right, thank you. I don't want to be excluded if she comes back to visit though, that's the thing, I already was shortly before she moved, I can't get past that either especially since he was there and they partied together. It really hurt. Even though we had already fought about it.

 

Well what is your solution to the problem? That your friend drop her friend for you? You are being somewhat childish and should let her go if she doesn't let you go first.

Edited May 16, 2015 by stillafool

[glamtran]

You don't put her first and high up if you date someone she likes, especially if you don't talk to her about it first.

 

You are being very one-sided with this friendship, and asking her to just drop a friend she's known for a year because it didn't work out with the two of you (and she introduced you) is not a fair thing to ask.

 

So again, that one is a different guy she liked at the bar one night, maybe she was just a bit tipsy but he was talking to both of us and she was mad when he asked me out at the end of the night and made a big scene of it. And didn't talk to me for months because of it. I was just trying to illustrate that she can be a time bomb and I've always let it go.

 

I'm just a bit floored that she saw him PAYING for the company of other women and we were so close and now she's buddy buddy with him. Some of the things he did with other women does put it into another category. It's not that we just didn't work out amicably. I think that's the key here that is getting to me.

 

I can't cope with it and it's depressing. I literally cried on her shoulder over some of the things he did to me and she held me for nothing it seems. She was the family I never really had.