makeithappen Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Hello! I recently messaged a friend telling her in a sentence that I was not happy with her behaviour and asking to meet up and set a date. She saw my message weeks ago, and has not responded. I deleted her off my contacts now. Still no reply. What am I to do? thanks Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Hello! I recently messaged a friend telling her in a sentence that I was not happy with her behaviour and asking to meet up and set a date. She saw my message weeks ago, and has not responded. I deleted her off my contacts now. Still no reply. What am I to do? thanks Maybe your approach to wanting to get together put her off? And that's why she's ignoring you, wanting to avoid talking about it. What did she do to make you unhappy behaviour wise? Anyway she's chosen to ignore you, then you deleted her off your contact list, and she still hasn't reacted/responded. Not much you can do when someone chooses not to reply. If she doesn't want to sort it out and talk, you can't force her to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author makeithappen Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 Maybe your approach to wanting to get together put her off? And that's why she's ignoring you, wanting to avoid talking about it. What did she do to make you unhappy behaviour wise? Anyway she's chosen to ignore you, then you deleted her off your contact list, and she still hasn't reacted/responded. Not much you can do when someone chooses not to reply. If she doesn't want to sort it out and talk, you can't force her to. Her personality and tendency to make me feel left out. Ignoring me at social gatherings, and ignoring the friends I bring. I feel marginalised in my circle of friends. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Can't imagine why anyone would turn down a fun invitation like that. Are you serious?? It's like a message you'd get from your mom. Apparently she's not overjoyed with your behavior either and has bowed out. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author makeithappen Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 Can't imagine why anyone would turn down a fun invitation like that. Are you serious?? It's like a message you'd get from your mom. Apparently she's not overjoyed with your behavior either and has bowed out. ???? it was written directly following an event that made me unhappy; not some random out of the blue message. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 It's rude and demanding. She's letting you know she doesn't care if you liked her behavior or not. Reading your further comments, I see she was already ignoring you, so why did you think getting aggressively mad and rude about it would make her NOT ignore you more? Look, I have no idea who the cowboy in the white hat is here or if there is one, but if someone is ignoring you, you can't force them to instead pay attention because they just don't give a crap to bein with. You can't force someone to give a crap. She was already lost before you wrote this demanding message, so I guess there was really nothing to lose. Sounds like you have other fish to fry and other friends, so write this one off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 She's not a real friend then. If she cared about you she would respond to it even if she didn't like it. I don't know how you worded it exactly, so I can't say how it may have come across. If it came across badly, someone who cared would have at least gotten angry enough to say something back. The fact that she is ignoring you isn't good. Sounds like she wasn't a very good friend anyway if she was ignoring you in the first place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author makeithappen Posted January 10, 2015 Author Share Posted January 10, 2015 It's rude and demanding. She's letting you know she doesn't care if you liked her behavior or not. Reading your further comments, I see she was already ignoring you, so why did you think getting aggressively mad and rude about it would make her NOT ignore you more? Look, I have no idea who the cowboy in the white hat is here or if there is one, but if someone is ignoring you, you can't force them to instead pay attention because they just don't give a crap to bein with. You can't force someone to give a crap. She was already lost before you wrote this demanding message, so I guess there was really nothing to lose. Sounds like you have other fish to fry and other friends, so write this one off. I now realise it may have come across as rude. But she had ignored an earlier message a couple of weeks before (that was not rude) asking advice because I was really not feeling well. I also remembered how she never addressed an issue that she knew about, never enquired how I was coping (I made posts about these personal issues). This does not excuse the tone of my message. But all these memories resurfaced, all these past hurts... and I reacted impulsively. I should not have. I am going to see her face to face soon (we work together), so I have no idea what to do. What if she says 'but your message was rude' to discredit any of my feelings? I don't want my mistake to erase her mistakes. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 Well, honestly, I wouldn't get too attached to this friend, because they're not a good friend and don't seem very interested in being friends. I don't like the sound of her behavior, but it worries me you're determined to be friends even when she's clearly not a very good caring friend. If she was rude first, then no need to apologize to her. But she's ignoring your communications and unless this is someone who's been doing this and then coming back around for years or something, it looks to me like she's just not wanting to talk to you. Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 (edited) I now realise it may have come across as rude. But she had ignored an earlier message a couple of weeks before (that was not rude) asking advice because I was really not feeling well. I also remembered how she never addressed an issue that she knew about, never enquired how I was coping (I made posts about these personal issues). This does not excuse the tone of my message. But all these memories resurfaced, all these past hurts... and I reacted impulsively. I should not have. I am going to see her face to face soon (we work together), so I have no idea what to do. What if she says 'but your message was rude' to discredit any of my feelings? I don't want my mistake to erase her mistakes. Thanks This friend is quite obviously trying to put distance between the two of you. For whatever reason, she has chosen to disengage and not become involved with your emotional problems - hence the reason she didn't enquire as to how you were coping, and did not correct the situation when you raised it. She is also keeping her distance in social situations. You now messaging demanding to meet in a tone like you have described and berating her is going to achieve nothing. I'm afraid you're missing the obvious signs here. Sure, she should have told you upfront...but this friend of yours has chosen to go her own way. Let her go and remain polite and civil when you bump into each other. Edited January 10, 2015 by almond 2 Link to post Share on other sites
applej4 Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 (edited) You're not pleased with her behavior (whatever that means). You contacted her. She's ignoring you. I suspect there's a lot more to this that you're telling, but it doesn't matter. We don't have a magic wand to make her do what you want. Obviously she wants nothing to do with you. MOVE ON. Edited January 10, 2015 by applej4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 I feel marginalized in my circle of friends. Some other person cannot make that happen "to" you. Why are you putting it on this one person, that SHE is somehow responsible for how the entire 'circle' is treating you? Her response - meaning, really, that she is not invested in or attached to how YOU evaluate (judge) her behaviour - is actually her self-empowered decision. If you want to blame her for your lack of whatever is lacking that others are "marginalizing" you, or that makes you feel "marginalized" by others...that is for you to resolve on your own, within yourself and/or with those by whom you feel marginalized...and your friend seems to know this. She is appropriately not taking responsibility that does not belong to her, and she will not have it forced on her, either. Talk with the other people in your circle of friends, about their behaviour that is making you feel "marginalized". Ask THEM what YOU are doing, that leads them to "marginalize" you. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Hello! I recently messaged a friend telling her in a sentence that I was not happy with her behaviour and asking to meet up and set a date. She saw my message weeks ago, and has not responded. I deleted her off my contacts now. Still no reply. What am I to do? thanks Seems to me you did what you needed to do. She doesn't want to meet up with you or set a date, therefore, she's set your friendship adrift. In the future, if it's a friendship you want to maintain, you might not want to send her a "you're in trouble" message, then ask to see her. Meet up with her to see her and then tell her how you felt about what she did. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) I now realise it may have come across as rude. But she had ignored an earlier message a couple of weeks before (that was not rude) asking advice because I was really not feeling well. I also remembered how she never addressed an issue that she knew about, never enquired how I was coping (I made posts about these personal issues). This does not excuse the tone of my message. But all these memories resurfaced, all these past hurts... and I reacted impulsively. I should not have. I am going to see her face to face soon (we work together), so I have no idea what to do. What if she says 'but your message was rude' to discredit any of my feelings? I don't want my mistake to erase her mistakes. Thanks Because of your last missive, expect for her to be squarely on the defensive--because even if she is in the wrong in your eyes, she's feeling that you attacked her with that note about you not being happy with her behavior. Depending upon how badly you need her friendship, you could start with "hey sorry for how strident I came across in that missive--didn't mean to sound like a mom". Own up for setting a bad tone. Then if she's disarmed enough from that, talk to her about how you felt, not about what she did because that will sound like more attacking. If you don't need her friendship, then just keep it professional and develop a new circle of friends that doesn't include her. Edited January 11, 2015 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Like the others, I don't think this friendship is a friendship. Sounds like you were more into being friends than she was. She has shown you that she doesn't really care about being friends, so you need to accept that and move on from it. At work, be professional. While you are at work, it is not the time to get into your feelings and all that. You both are there to do a job. IF you and her end up chatting friendly at work, don't bring up your anger/being upset. Just let it go. You can have a good working relationship without a friendship outside of work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
applej4 Posted January 11, 2015 Share Posted January 11, 2015 Often people make the mistake of 1) getting too close too quickly with work colleagues 2) revealing way too much personal info to people they work with 3) assuming friendly = friendship. Better to keep it professional/civil at the job. There's a saying "Don't s*** where you eat." so-called "Friendships" at work have a way of coming back to bite you. Focus on doing the job and collecting a check. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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