Blade96 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Ok here's a story. Need advice please Last year, my friend her husband and her then 1 year old surprised me at my parents house with a visit. They brought me a yellow rose (the flower of friendship) and it was valentine day. I did think it was nice of them and my parents did too, and I thanked them for it. But I don't really want them to bring son this year (now two) and my parents don't either. Here's why: He wandered all over the house and our house isn't kid proof (why would it be? There's just 3 adults (my rents and I and my 12 year old cat living there) when he wandered it wasn't my friends who watched him. They sat on the couch and talked with me. My mother had to watch him to make sure he didn't get hurt. She says it was very stressful it was for all of us, I couldn't relax either and my dad couldn't too. He stuck his face inmy cat's face when she was sleeping, frightened her and she ran off. Never clawed but she was scared. He chased her, and I didn't like it. No one tried to stop him either. Aren't my friends lucky that my cat is better behaved than his son? Shortly after the visit she mentioned about me and her going for a tea. But then she said "I want to leave son with your parents when I come to get you" what? My parents told me they don't want to baby sit, and the kid has grandparents and his father to watch him. WTF? I never said anything to my friend, but I didn't appreciate it. Neither did my parents when I told them. It's not a good visit if my friends can't talk because they have to watch a toddler. So there's that, too. My questions are Is it appropriate to request they leave Son home until he's older maybe 5 if they decide thy want to visit again? It's been on my mind for a year now and never said anything about it. But now it's almost V Day again .......Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 So how about just you and your friend get together, have some girl time and let her husband stay home with their 2 year old? Tell her that your parents don't babysit. No need to explain anything further than that. If she asks just say that it's unfair to ask your parents to look after their kid and they don't feel comfortable doing so. Hopefully she'll be understanding. Or they can ask a babysitter or one of their family members to look after their child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 My questions are Is it appropriate to request they leave Son home until he's older maybe 5 if they decide thy want to visit again? Not really. You don't have to invite them to your house or let them stay long if they just show up, but you can't really invite them for a casual, friendly visit or outing and then tell them the kid can't come. They're kind of a package deal. Unless it's a specific adults-only night out or something, it's not really appropriate to ask that, and it will absolutely piss them off if you do. Are you mainly worried about them showing up unannounced on Valentine's Day? You could do some preemptive damage control. You could drop it into a conversation that you have plans for V-Day and "Oh, you weren't planning on coming over that day, right? I'm sure you two have your own plans, anyway." Or if you would like to see them, you could invite them, but say that you want to meet them at Chuck E. Cheese's or somewhere that is clearly kid-friendly. That way they won't get the idea that they can dump the kid with your parents (?? what a strange thing of them to ask!) And in the future if you find yourself with their small child wandering around your house while they visit, whenever the child leaves the room, walk over to him, gently pick him up in your arms and coo at him or whatever, then plant him right in front of his parent's feet and say, "Sorry, I was getting worried about him. Our place isn't child-proofed. I hope he'll be okay staying in the living room with us!" :biggrin: Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 9, 2015 Share Posted January 9, 2015 Of course, you can invite adults only over. I do it all the time. My childed friend knows when I invite her, if I want their kids included, I will let her know. This goes for coming to my house or us going out to lunch. There is no point in seeing her with her kids because you won't have a moment of time to talk one on one with her as long as they're there. It's just them seeking attention. My friend and I have adult things we want to talk about. She knows as well as I do we can't visit if her kids are there and your friend knows it too, so ask yourself why she really wants to come over. Is it to entertain her kids? Is it to get a break from her kids? It isn't to visit with you because she can't do that with kids present tugging at her and she can't talk about adult things with them around. And she knows this. You just say, "Do you and your husband want to come over for dinner Friday? It's just adults this time. Hope you can find a sitter. Let me know." If she says can't find a sitter, then just respond, "Oh, well, some other time." If she says your mom can watch him, you need to be straightforward at that point and say, "My mom doesn't want to babysit. She's already been there, done that. She's through." If she pouts up, end the call with "Sorry you aren't coming. Once you get your childcare needs sorted out, let me know and we'll try it again. I miss you!" You might even add, "I feel we didn't really even get to visit the last time you were over, and I miss you." If she outright fights you on it, tell her exactly what you told us at LS: Your house isn't childproof and it's never going to be and her uncontrolled toddler scares your pet. The first time my friend brought her toddler over (I did invite the family), the first thing she did was start running toward the curved glass on my antique etegere. My friend made a dive for her and commented "You might want to move some stuff." I said, "Jill (fake name), no part of my house is childproof and there are breakable things in every room, plus pets. You're going to have to stay on top of her." And she spent the rest of the dinner bent over chasing her toddler around until she strapped her in a chair for dinner. She wasn't mad at me. If she'd spent any time thinking about it, she'd have known my house was extremely breakable. After that, she knew it wasn't practical to bring them to my house. Happily, it was her who suggested a couple years later we start having each other over or go out more regularly. I even told her if she needed to bring the kids out to lunch, it was okay, but she didn't want to. She wanted adult time. I honestly feel everyone needs some adult time in order not to lose their ability to be social with adults because mothers get so mired in living through their kids that they can lose all social ability and also just lose themselves. So I don't feel at all bad about it. I do go on the rare outing with her and her kids sometimes that are really just for the kids. So it's not like I'm totally snubbing their kids. I don't know why people think it's okay to bring their kids without asking first and especially rude she left it to someone else to watch her toddler. Ridiculous. It's your house. You decide who is invited and who isn't. If she pretends to think this is unheard of, she knows better and is just manipulating you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 10, 2015 Share Posted January 10, 2015 But then she said "I want to leave son with your parents when I come to get you" "No. Why don't we reschedule this for when you can get a babysitter?", would have been what I said. If she asked why (she really doesn't deserve a reason why, but ok..) I would say "because the house isn't child proof and my parents do not want to run in behind a two year old, that's why. Your son has two sets of grandparents and a father who can keep him. Make arrangements with them. Besides, your home is babyproof, so a babysitter would be a better option for you." And if this causes her to put your friendship on ice, then good. She took advantage of your parents and that was rude on her part. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blade96 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 I talked to my parents and they said if she does come over they'll just deal and I should just deal too because she's the best friend I've ever had (which is true) So, I guess I'm outnumbered. But still concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 15, 2015 Share Posted January 15, 2015 Maybe, but if she was that great a friend, she would ask before imposing the children on you. If she knows you that well, she knows you don't like it much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blade96 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 so I saw a post she made on the net elsewhere that she does like childfree events. I decided that was my cue and so I invited her and her husband up around valentine's day for some talks laughs and drinks. Said hey I saw you do like adult time. How'd you like to come up where we can just be ourselves, chill, and have fun and a few drinks? she said well her parents, the 2 year old's grandparents are in florida right now and husband's parents, don't live nearby. She didn't say let's do that later, when they come back, that sounds like fun" She tried to ask me again, how about your parents babysit while just you and I go for coffee. I said no, my parents aren't up for that. I could have added it's rude and my parents don't babysit, but I just left it at that that. She didn't really say well wait for my parents to come back so we can both join you" wasn't much said, really. Seriously, why would someone who's generally, a nice person, think AGAIN, they can suggest this of my parents? She did it twice. and she's generally nice! I don't understand ..... Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Proud of you for standing up to her! With a two-year old, she may just grapple at any potential babysitter and not realize what an imposition it is to others. Doesn't mean she isn't a nice person! Just means she isn't see the whole picture. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Seriously, why would someone who's generally, a nice person, think AGAIN, they can suggest this of my parents? She did it twice. and she's generally nice! I don't understand ..... Because your parents are the solution to her problem and she is trying to bull- doze you and them into agreeing. She is pushing boundaries because it suits her to have her child looked after by your parents. She doesn't care about your house, your pet, or your parents, this is about her. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I'm a parent and it really annoys me when people do this! Your friend and her husband are the parents- not you! They should be watching the child. Not expecting everyone else too for them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Good that you told her about your parents not up to babysitting. Even better that you left it at that, no other details. She won't ask again for them to look after their toddler. Suggest to her that it would be fun to have a girls evening and her husband can stay home with the baby. Link to post Share on other sites
GG3 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 How is this woman? I can't believe she keeps asking that your parents watch her child. How rude! Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I'm glad you got it all out in the open. I'm especially proud of you for letting her know your parents aren't up for it. Her parents probably aren't either and that's why she's always fishing for babysitters. Anyway, you should have an adult time and invite her again. Maybe ask another couple of people as well in case she bails just to be contrary, she'll realize she's the one missing out, not you because you'll still have your night with others. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Proud of you for standing up to her! With a two-year old, she may just grapple at any potential babysitter and not realize what an imposition it is to others. Doesn't mean she isn't a nice person! Just means she isn't see the whole picture. I agree. It sounds like even though she has family, husband and in laws that perhaps they don't babysit for her either. Maybe she's just desperately looking for a little break from being with her toddler 24/7. Stand up for yourself, but don't write her off and listen to people who are telling you she's not a friend or she doesn't care about you. You know your history with her and you said she has been the best friend you have ever had so don't throw that away over this issue. Your parents are wise. Just honor your own boundaries and you will fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blade96 Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Yeah My friend IS generally a nice girl. He husband is nice too. I know them for 15 years. And they do generally try to be good people. They ARE good people who want to raise their son to be a good person too. But good people are also capable of saying stupid things. I don't know why my friend thought that was ok to say what she said. Twice. I don't know. Temporary brain fart? Link to post Share on other sites
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