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My friends are completely unaware of their privilege, and it makes me uncomfortable.


MissTrudy

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I have a few friends from very affluent backgrounds.

 

The other day I shared an article on FB about homeless kids and a charity people can donate to so that these kids can have a christmas. A few of us had dinner last night and the article came up. This is what one of them said:

"Maybe I am a horrible person, but the first thing I thought after seeing that article is, if you're homeless, you're not responsible enough to be having children."

 

I immediately responded that a lot of homeless people and children are homeless because they've lost everything they've had, not because they're irresponsible and having babies while living on the street. I then told her about an article I read about homelessness in our very wealthy community; people with jobs that can't afford housing are paying to sleep on public transit because they've lost everything they have and can't afford to live in our area anymore. This shut her up and the topic changed pretty quickly without her feelings getting hurt (or so I think). I am really proud of myself for not losing it, but I was and still am irritated.

 

I often feel like I have to "speak up" for the "other" when talking to her and some other friends. And I am tired of it, especially in light of recent events in the world. They are your typical middle class liberal white girl who say they're aware of her privilege but they're obviously not.

 

I understand that if you're not exposed to these types of things you just don't know...yet I really don't understand how you can't know some of these things?

 

One of them prides herself on the fact that her boyfriend is what one might call "white trash" but it pains me to hear all the horrible **** she says about his family, calling his parents (who absolutely adore her btw) simple-minded because they don't talk about the same things her doctor parents talk to her about, or saying that his young nephews will become criminals because their father is in jail. It pains me even more that I didn't say anything when she was talking about them, because I was just in shock. I usually am in shock by how entitled

 

I know that deep down they are good people and will become better people if they're corrected. But it's starting to strain me and makes me question our friendship, because I'm usually the only one who can take a step back and say something to make them reflect. I don't know if I should say something more bluntly so that they can really reflect on their ignorance/entitlement more deeply and become better people, or let it (and our friendship) go. Little microaggressions or stupid statements happen so often and I am probably their most diverse friend, so maybe I am just extra sensitive to it. But I am getting fed up of trying to decide if every interaction with them that involves race or socioeconomic status has to be a teaching experience.

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Well, I think the truth is somewhere in the middle between your view and theirs. There are many homeless people who are helpless and many who were stupid and created their own mess and the poverty of their children who indeed should not have had kids they couldn't care for. I honestly think there's way more of the latter, but there are a whole lot of the former too, many mentally ill and we have no good system for caring for the indigent mentally ill. There are plenty of ways to target and contribute to those who are in need through no fault of their own, through women's shelters for abused women, charities for the mentally ill and the handicapped, etc. It's a sad fact that it is the children who are the innocent victims of their parents inability to foresee consequences, and that is the main reason why our social programs exist.

 

A close friend of mine's half-sister is an addict and has already had three children. My friend adopted the most recent one, as the baby, born addicted, had been removed from the sister's custody by protective services and would have gone into the foster system, which is completely inadequate to handle the load. At that time, the other two were with their fathers, also addicts (probably their families were helping). When I went to my friend's for Thanksgiving, she told me her half-sister was pregnant once again -- and the father is the same as her child's father (the other two were different fathers.) Of course, this is going to eat at her, and she's really not in a position to bail her out this time.

 

I would support any legislation that encouraged or for that matter required sterilzation for people who keep having kids they can't care for. But that will never happen in this country. Meanwhile, our social system pays more money the more children people have, so it does not discourage it in any way and, in fact, does the exact opposite. At the very least it should offer free volunatary sterilization. It's a sad sad fact that a whole lot of people are too disorganized mentally to see to their own pregnancy prevention. And I think this is hard for people to wrap their head around and instead they have to believe it was an unexpected hardship that was visited upon them that created the situation. There are a few of those, but there are many more of the other.

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Awww I can see how you can feel torn OP. :-/

 

That's a very awkward position to be in. I honestly would get tired of trying to defend others or have to help my friends see a DIFFERENT way of seeing things ALL the time. :(

 

To be honest, there are a lot of people who are privileged and have never really had it "hard" in life, so their sympathy for others is very VERY low, and they don't see anything but what they've known their whole life... (ie. money, abundance, wealth, easy life, etc.). But life isn't like this for EVERYONE however, and it sounds like maybe you might need to surround yourself with more friends who are at least sensitive to the plights of others and other groups who aren't exactly like them. I'm not saying you should just dump the friends you have now, but if you want to have deeper more meaningful conversations about topics or events going around the world that really affect you deeply, you might want to try widening out to find friends who can actually relate to YOUR thoughts and feelings as well. :)

 

Many people unfortunately think that a lot of homeless people are just lazy or didn't "think before having kids", etc. But the truth is, a LOT of homeless people suffer from mental illnesses (Not ALL), and some people were living just fine before some catastrophic event or psychological background smh. There was one homeless lady who used to be a lawyer and all of a sudden she went through a nervous breakdown and never recovered. :-/

 

It's not ALWAYS that people have so many kids that they can't take care of and so they end up on the street. It goes deeper than that. Plus, with prices rising on EVERYTHING and the job market paying less and less, the middle class is getting squeezed out. Unless someone has had it rough in life, they may not always understand the plights of others.

 

The way your friend talks about her bf's family is really sad as well. Sometimes you can tell the strength of a person's character by what they talk about and how they talk about others. You did nothing wrong by posting that article on your FB page. It just Sounds like you might need to get some other less judgmental friends who have a heart.

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I'm so sorry to hear about your friend preraph. That is a really difficult situation to be in with your family :/

 

I know that people end up homeless/requiring public assistance because of many things, sometimes because of their own stupid actions, it's very complicated and I won't even pretend to know the statistics. What concerned me most about this interaction with my friend is the fact that her attention was focused on financially insecure (and I guess the implication of mentally unstable) people having children, and not the plight of the children themselves. It's definitely a very real problem and a moral debate I don't want to get into because I don't exactly know how I feel about it myself, but it was not the issue this article was trying to address. It's definitely worth discussing, but her tone when she said the statement wasn't one that invited valuable discussion. It was flippant and condescending and I think she was hoping we'd all join in and make some jokes about homeless people having babies in alleyways.

 

Also, this is the article I am referring to. it's quite powerful in my opinion:

Homeless Kids' Letters To Santa Remind Us Not Everyone Will Have A Happy Holiday (How To Help)

 

The other girl, who says stuff about her BF's family has said a number of things before that reveal her character. I genuinely feel bad for her because she complains about some of these traits in her parents and I see it in her too. I feel like she actually does need an intervention because she constantly talks about how other people are entitled or privileged. But she is still like this to some extent (she's not the one who made the comments about homeless people, in fact during the conversation she vocalized the same sentiments that I did).

 

Fortunately I have a lot of other friends (rich, poor, white, minority) who are more positive and these issues never come up in this way. I just see these girls with unchecked privilege all the time because we work together, so our interactions are constant in work and outside of work when we socialize.

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It sounds like your friends don't know how to state their arguments in an intelligent manner. They just sort of say what they think without considering the counterarguments and they make broad generalizations without acknowledging the fact that there are lots of factors to consider. Obviously they haven't thought things through that well if they can't argue back with you. I am wondering if you are more bothered by their opinions or by the fact that they state them in such an ignorant way. There are other people who would agree with your friends, but they would provide solid examples and statistics and, well, an actual argument with real facts in it. I don't know about you but I find that when someone presents their argument well, I can respect their opinion much better even if I disagree with them.

 

 

Next time they say something you don't like, you could straight up tell them that you find that sort of thing offensive. Some people don't pick up on hints. You could say that you feel strongly about the subject and don't want to talk to them about it anymore.

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todreaminblue

I find with some people....they are just set in their ways......and when i find someone i disagree with i will not change my stance or my beliefs but i will relax my view to understand why they feel the way they do...life experience.... parenting affluence ......personality..people are inherently flawed that includes me and my beliefs....along with everyone else.its human to be flawed ..i say stupid things or am prone to say something wrong i would hope i have forgiveness from my friends.....and thats what i give and why i give forgiveness...homelessness is something i am passionate about......not everybody has had experiences with the human touch and homelessness....to them it is a state of being and they dont see the person for who they are and who is in that state i have found this to be true..... ...they see a mass of people.... with a word attached...a state.....objectifying the word so it doesnt touch them.....

 

 

 

.they actually have to see the word attached to people......they have to see that word in its state of being to understand the word in the first place....then when you see the human aspect if you are human ...you cannot help but be touched by it.....in turn leading you to appreciate how having a roof over your head is priceless..you develop an empathy ....a sympathy and a firm understanding.......xmas time alone and no home...everyoen shoudl try it one year.......is there anything more haunting than that...not in my experiences....some people have to experience something to understand it...its not their fault it is how they process life........deb

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I think people should be made to be responsible for their children. It's not like it's 1846 and there's no option but to have them. I just think the accountability needs to be on the parents and we need stronger laws for that and a better foster system. Unfortunately, people use their kids to get free stuff sometimes and it's like baby blackmail to make everyone else responsible for paying for it. There needs to be consequences. Of course, I am not talking about people who are under hardship caused by unexpected circumstances, but I don't think having a baby with a baby daddy who already has other baby mamas is a legit unexpected circumstance. I'd be for enforced work programs or whatever to take that burden off the taxpayer and get the money directly to the care of the kids. Did you know that an elderly man or woman without children is not eligible for welfare at all? But any parent, no matter how irresponsible they are is eligible? And that elderly man or woman pays for that as well and has been their entire life. There's just a lot that needs to be changed to update the system, which was basically created prior to birth control and doesn't take it into account. It SHOULD be a cornerstone and a requirement under those circumstances.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This makes me angry with rising house prices, no job security and casualization of the workforce. Plus sending all of our jobs overseas. I can't understand how homeless people become addicts, because you've got nothing to do all day. So they take drugs to forget.

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HazyCosmicJive
I have a few friends from very affluent backgrounds.

 

The other day I shared an article on FB about homeless kids and a charity people can donate to so that these kids can have a christmas. A few of us had dinner last night and the article came up. This is what one of them said:

"Maybe I am a horrible person, but the first thing I thought after seeing that article is, if you're homeless, you're not responsible enough to be having children."

 

I immediately responded that a lot of homeless people and children are homeless because they've lost everything they've had, not because they're irresponsible and having babies while living on the street. I then told her about an article I read about homelessness in our very wealthy community; people with jobs that can't afford housing are paying to sleep on public transit because they've lost everything they have and can't afford to live in our area anymore. This shut her up and the topic changed pretty quickly without her feelings getting hurt (or so I think). I am really proud of myself for not losing it, but I was and still am irritated.

 

I often feel like I have to "speak up" for the "other" when talking to her and some other friends. And I am tired of it, especially in light of recent events in the world. They are your typical middle class liberal white girl who say they're aware of her privilege but they're obviously not.

 

I understand that if you're not exposed to these types of things you just don't know...yet I really don't understand how you can't know some of these things?

 

One of them prides herself on the fact that her boyfriend is what one might call "white trash" but it pains me to hear all the horrible **** she says about his family, calling his parents (who absolutely adore her btw) simple-minded because they don't talk about the same things her doctor parents talk to her about, or saying that his young nephews will become criminals because their father is in jail. It pains me even more that I didn't say anything when she was talking about them, because I was just in shock. I usually am in shock by how entitled

 

I know that deep down they are good people and will become better people if they're corrected. But it's starting to strain me and makes me question our friendship, because I'm usually the only one who can take a step back and say something to make them reflect. I don't know if I should say something more bluntly so that they can really reflect on their ignorance/entitlement more deeply and become better people, or let it (and our friendship) go. Little microaggressions or stupid statements happen so often and I am probably their most diverse friend, so maybe I am just extra sensitive to it. But I am getting fed up of trying to decide if every interaction with them that involves race or socioeconomic status has to be a teaching experience.

 

This is your typical liberal. They never had any hardship - whether financial, physical, or economic - in their life so they don't appreciate what they have or how hard others might have it. I think a cushy upbringing is one of the things that creates liberals and why our country is so full of them right now.

 

BTW, I hate that word "microaggression." It's classic liberal pap.

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